“You can’t just buy your way out of this with treats, although treats are an important component of the remedial process.”
NEW YORK — The quality of Big Buddy’s work as a cat servant has been downgraded to “satisfactory” during his latest performance review, Buddy the Cat announced Tuesday.
The downgrade marks the end of a long streak for the dedicated human, who has consistently received high marks for impeccable service ever since he adopted the mercurial silver tabby cat.
“Big Buddy has always been a reliable servant, but in recent months his work has suffered in inexcusable ways,” Buddy the Cat told reporters at a news conference. “For instance, dinner was two minutes and thirty seven seconds late on December 14th, and on January 8th Big Buddy disregarded my need for uninterrupted beauty sleep when he got up to use the bathroom despite the fact that I was sleeping on his chest. That was a deep betrayal of trust.”
The human will automatically enter a probationary period triggered by the performance downgrade. In order to remain in good standing he’ll need to avoid being tardy with Buddy’s meals, ensure he anticipates Buddy’s demands for head scratches, and regularly remind Buddy he’s a very good and very handsome boy.
Buddy, above, has suffered from subpar service and was forced to downgrade his human’s servant scores.
Felix Meowson, a professor of servantology at the Feline Servant Academy of New York, said Big Buddy faces considerable challenges ahead.
“He’ll need to be attentive and hyper-vigilant going forward if he wants to return to good standing. Weeks worth of excellent service could be ruined by accidentally stepping on a tail or failing to top off the dry food bowl before bed,” Meowson said.
He pointed to The Great Disappointment of 2012 when Monica Morales, servant to a cat named Smudge, allowed a door to remain closed between her and her feline master for more than three hours.
“Monica’s evaluations had never slipped below ‘outstanding,’ but that little stunt cost her dearly and she was downgraded to ‘unacceptable,” Meowson said. “She wasn’t the recipient of an affectionate head bump for almost three months, and didn’t hear a purr for four. She was a cat servant in the dog house, so to speak.”
Buddy said he wanted to avoid the situation with his human becoming as severe.
“You can’t just buy your way out of this with treats, although treats are an important component of the remedial process,” he said. “This is about correcting an injustice, and restoring things to their natural order in which we eat, sleep and lounge, and humans see to our every need.”
Kittens back home on Earth ask the brave catstronauts about their mission and life in space!
STAR COMMANDER BUDDY’S LOG, STARDATE 12142022, Aboard the USS Fowl Play
Lt. Commander Freddie Ferocious has command of the bridge while I’ve retired to my ready room for the important task of answering video messages from kittens in Mrs. Meowmore’s Kittengarden class.
Lt. Commander Freddie Ferocious, executive officer of the USS Fowl Play.Star Commander Buddy, commanding officer of the USS Fowl Play.
Myles, a three-month-old tuxedo who wants to be a catstronaut when he grows up, has asked me how catstronauts eat and use the litter box in zero gravity.
“Well, Myles,” I tell him, “as you may have guessed, regular litter is no good without gravity! You can’t bury your business, obviously, and you run the risk of free-floating poops and granules of litter escaping into the ship’s habitable areas, so a litter box is out of the question. That is why we have a sealed Litter Chamber and a special suction device. It takes some getting used to, especially since it tends to pull on your fur while you’re doing your business!”
Sophia, a five-month-old Calico, asks us what we eat in space.
“This morning at 0100 hours I was informed that our food replicators are malfunctioning, which means the entire crew has had to make do with freeze-dried kibble and pate MREs. No wonder we’re all so cranky! I have ordered the engineering department to devote all available resources and catpower toward the repair of the replicators. This simply cannot be allowed to go unresolved, for a cranky crew can easily become a mewtinous one, and I don’t want to have to start spacing kitties out of the airlock. Er, I mean throwing ’em in the brig! Chief Engineer Meowdi LaForge tells me the replicators should be back online by breakfast.”
Chief Engineer Meowdi LaForge
Simba, three and a half months, asks: “Dear Commander Buddy, how far are you from the place you’re traveling to, and what will you do when you get there? Is it true there might be monsters? That would be scary!”
“Thanks for writing, Simba! It’s 10.47 light years to the Epsilon Eridani star system, which is a long ride! Fortunately the USS Fowl Play is a pretty big, comfortable ship, with lots of stuff to do to keep her running, and some pretty cool options for entertainment and R&R when we’re off duty. We’re less than two light years away from our destination now, which means the Fowl Play has already flipped and is engaged in a prolonged deceleration burn. We have to do that, see, so we don’t sail right on past Epsilon Eridani!
“Where did you hear about the thing with the monsters? It’s not true, okay? I don’t know what anyone told you, probably that jealous jerk Commander Calvin, but I totally did not run screaming from a monster during the expedition to Luyten 726-8, okay? That’s fake news!
“What happened was, I saw the monster and issued a blood-curdling battle cry, but then I hit the wrong button on my Planetary CatRover, which caused it to spin around and run in the other direction. I was trying to inspire my team, not abandon them. I would have turned around and battled the monster too, except by the time I realized my mistake I was already more than half way back to the lander and the others had scared the monster away with their laser pointers.”
That’s my rover on the left, and the Scary Monster on the right. As you can see, I’m very brave for facing the Scary Monster:
Buddy’s Planetary Rover
The Evil Monster, whom Buddy was totally not scared of.
Five-month-old Pepper asks: “Star Commander Buddy, do you think smart aliens are out there? What do they look like? Will they be nice when you meet them?”
“Hi, Pepper! Those are good questions. Well we should remember that we cats are not only a super intelligent species, but we are intimidating too! We have sharp teeth and claws, some of us can roar, and we look really strong and tough! So maybe the aliens will be scared of us!
“I think there will be smart aliens even though we haven’t found other intelligent life on Earth. I mean, there’s humans, but they’re simple-minded creatures, aren’t they? That’s why they’re our servants! LOL! Maybe the aliens will only have fur on their heads like humans. Maybe they’ll look like dogs. Gross, I know! Or maybe they’ll look like a cross between elephants, manta rays and aardvarks.
“We just don’t know, which is why we’re trying to find out. Picture it: Star Commander Buddy, fearlessly leading the first expedition to make contact with smart aliens. It’ll be pretty cool to be in the history books. Tell ya what, Pepper. If we find smart aliens, you and the rest of Mrs. Meowmore’s class will be the first to know. After NASA, of course. We’ll send you pictures. Deal?”
Lt. Loki pilots our lander, and he’s a good example of how intimidating our species can look! Will aliens be scared of him?
Vice Admiral Yo’oko Nahsuareo. Did you know jaguars make up only 4% of the Catstronaut Corps? They are usually sleep specialists, designing cryosleep pods for space travel and constantly improving comfortable napping spots on our ships.
We asked cats to weigh in on the ongoing royal drama.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the duke and duchess of Sussex, have gone on a months-long media blitz blaming the UK’s royal family for allegedly being unwelcoming, saying some really mean stuff, and in the case of Prince William, beating poor Harry up.
The self-exiled sort-of royals have appeared in Netflix specials, their own podcasts on Spotify, interviews with major media figures, and most recently released Harry’s ghostwritten autobiography, Spare, in which the prince claims he was “bred” to provide “spare parts” for “Willie” in case the vaunted heir to the British throne needed an extra lung, kidney or todger. (Harry mentions the royal member 15 times in the book, according to reporters who keep track of such important things.)
The prince — who is current fifth-in-line to the throne — has other grievances, mostly against the UK press, Piers Morgan, the Skokie Illinois Barbershop Quartet, and his step-mother, Camilla. So far he hasn’t directed his ire at the Earl of Budderset.
What do cats think about the royal drama?
“Probably my stuffed bumblebee! But I like my bouncy ball and the birdie wand thingie my mom uses when we play too. Oh! Also, those little plastic rings from bottles! So much fun to bat around.” – Maisie, 2, bird-watcher
“I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I think we need more treats, a Seventh Snack if you will, to bridge the considerable gap between Sixth Snack and Fourth Meal.” – Custard, 6, food critic
“HEY CHECK IT OUT! HEY! WHEN I PLOP ONTO THE COUCH CUSHION IT LEAVES A ME-SHAPED FOSSIL!” – Fiona, 7 months, kitten paleontologist
“There is one last door that Must Be Opened: The refrigerator door. You know how much I hate closed doors, and that one needs to stay open, okay? What if I want to take a nap with the cold cuts or use a nice block of feta for a pillow?” – Felix, 9, debate coach
“I think humanity is a thin layer of bacteria on a ball of mud hurling through the void, existing to speed the entropic death of this planet. That said, until we felines develop opposable thumbs, you humans are a necessary evil. You may feed me now.” – Mr. Fluffy, 13, retired
“So I told that mountain lion, I says, ‘Look here, puma! I ain’t intimidated by your size or your growl. As long as this heavy glass door stands between us, I’m gonna talk all the trash I want, and you can’t do nuthin’!'” – Doris, 6, abrasive meower
Buddy the Cat wants his human to keep scratching his head, while Buddy the Cat has had enough!
“Don’t Stop! Scritch Me More, Yeah!”
No! No, no, no, no, no! Do not stop! Bring those magic fingers back over here, right above my ears and…yeah!
That’s the good stuff!
Oh man. Down a little. Right there. That hits the spot! In fact, I bet it’ll feel even better when I help you out and lean into the scratches. Oh. I was right, that does feel good!
Hey, where are you…HEY!Who told you we’re done here?
Sheesh, you’d think I nip at you if you pet me too long or something.
You didn’t spend an adequate enough time on my chin yet, and you know I like it when you swing back around for a sort of “greatest hits” and go through the whole rotation again. Now I’m going to assume you don’t need additional instruction, so I’ll just close my eyes and purr away. Don’t stop until the precise moment you should. That’s a good human.
“Don’t You Humans Know When Enough Is Enough?”
All right already, sheesh! The petting was good for like 3.275 seconds, but it got really played out after that, and you just kept going!
Well whose fault is it that I delivered a warning bite? Me, or the person who couldn’t tell when it was clearly time to stop rubbing my head?
What is it with you humans, huh? Learn to read the room. If I want more scritches, I’ll ask for them.
But no. When I was tired of it, you allowed another two tenths of a second to elapse before ceasing all massaging activities. TWO TENTHS OF A SECOND! I should have you flogged for your insolence!
You’ve had years to improve at this, human. That’s thousands of scritches and massages delivered to my chin, my cheeks, the top of my head and behind the ears. What can account for your complete failure to anticipate the exact millisecond the petting should stop?
You disappoint me.
Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us again next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.
Buddy the Cat immediately instituted several changes to more accurately reflect congress as the clown show it is.
WASHINGTON — Buddy the Cat was elected Speaker of the House in a shocking twist ending to a week’s worth of drama over congressional leadership.
The tabby cat made history as the first feline speaker in congress after Republicans, frustrated with a failure to reach consensus over 15 rounds of ballots, threw up their hands and went all-in for Buddy.
“It became apparent that [California Republican] Kevin [McCarthy] wasn’t gonna get the votes he needed, and frankly I was tired of hearing Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert speak,” said Texas Republican Dan Crenshaw. “So we put our heads together, and we said, ‘Who’s got the savvy, the smarts and the muscle to lead us?’ And the answer just seemed so obvious. It could only be Buddy.”
The mercurial feline, whose priorities usually involve the procurement of more food, maintaining a steady nap schedule and terrorizing his human, was just as taken aback by the development as outside observers. Sources say he came around to the idea when he was told he’d be provided with a full staff of servants, could schedule legislative meetings around his naps, and could eat as much turkey as he pleases from the congressional cafeteria.
Buddy’s first hire was his human, who will be referred to as “chief minion” rather than the traditional “chief of staff.”
The new speaker also indicated he would create new committee assignments, and designated representatives Marjorie Taylor-Greene, R-Georgia, and Eric Swalwell, D-California, as the new fools — or jesters — of the incoming congress.
“Swalwell, don’t just stand there, juggle some bowling pins or something,” Speaker Buddy said during the first session, throwing a pencil sharpener at the California congressman for emphasis.
“Er, uh…yes, sir,” said Swalwell, who was wearing a green and purple suit and traditional clown makeup.
“Greene, get in there!” Buddy shouted. “I’ve got a space laser here and I’m gonna aim at at your feet. Dance! Dance, Greene, dance!”
Buddy the Cat, center, sits on would-be speaker Kevin McCarthy after designating the congressman as his official cushion. (Note: Image to scale. Lawmakers are really small people.)
When former speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, expressed concerns about Buddy “besmirching this august body,” Buddy shushed her.
“August body? You’re telling me this is a legislative chamber? I thought it was a clown show. What do you see over there?” he asked Pelosi, waving a paw at newly elected fabulist Rep. George Santos.
The 19-term congresswoman, who first entered politics when Men At Work, Shalamar and Def Leppard were atop the music charts, looked at the New York Republican, who had been outed in recent weeks for lying about his educational background, work experience, ethnicity, religious affiliation and virtually every aspect of his life during his successful run for Congress.
“Er…a clown?” Pelosi asked.
Buddy stood up, ringing a bell on his desk and clapping excitedly.
“Winner winner, chicken dinner! A clown! Just like the rest of you!” He pointed to Santos. “Paint him up and put him with Greene and Swalwell, people, or you’re next.”
With a flourish, he collapsed back into his leather chair.
“Boebert!” he yelled, signaling the Colorado congresswoman-turned-cupbearer. “Turkey me!”
“Yes, sir!” Boebert said, cutting off a generous slice of roast turkey and feeding it to the speaker.
Buddy’s belch reverberated throughout the circular chamber.
“Now here’s what we’re gonna do,” he said, launching into what he called his Awesome 171-Point Plan for the De-Moronization of America.
Marjorie Taylor-Greene, appointed along with Eric Swalwell as the new fools of congress.
Rep. Adam Schiff, D-California, stood up.
“Will the Speaker recognize…” Schiff began before Buddy cut him off.
“Tape his mouth,” Buddy said, nodding to capitol policemen standing watch.
“W-w-what?” Schiff said, backing up as officers approached him from either side. “What is the meaning of this?”
Buddy cleared his throat, theatrically donned a pair of glasses he didn’t need, and read from a pile of papers in front of him.
“It says here your office sent 14,734 requests to Twitter, to delete or ban messages and accounts that were critical of you or espoused beliefs you don’t like,” Buddy said. “Tsk tsk. Do you deny it?”
“So someone tweeting, and I quote ‘Adam Schiff is a poopie head’ should be banned from social media and reported to the FBI?”
Schiff’s eyes widened.
“Please, I…you can’t! I have powerful friends! Powerf…”
The assembled representatives broke out into a cheer as an officer pressed heavy masking tape over Schiff’s mouth, muting the California congressman.
“Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!” they chanted, stomping the ground rhythmically.
Buddy the Cat, center, presides over his first term as Speaker of the House.
As of press time, Speaker Buddy had demanded a bill outlining congressional term limits that must be on his desk by Monday morning, under penalty of Democrats and Republicans being forced to dress up as donkeys and elephants, respectively, for the remainder of their terms.
He also exiled Rep. Matt Gaetz to an island with Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein, designated Rep. Lauren Boebert as his cup bearer, replaced Rep. Maxine Waters’ chair with a dunk tank, and introduced legislation called the Awesome Weapons Emergency Shipment Of Magnificent Efficacy, or AWESOME Act, which would approve longer-range missile systems, turkey MREs and really cool tanks for Ukraine.
During a press briefing with reporters, White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre answered a question about Buddy’s speakership by saying President Joe Biden believes he can work with the formidable feline.
“Whether or not the president visits the border is irrelevant. Look, he knows how important secure borders are to the American…” Pierre began, before a reporter pointed out she was reading from the wrong response card. “Ahem. My apologies. What did they tell me to say here? Ah, here it is. President Biden congratulates Speaker Buddy on his appointment, and has offered an olive branch in the form of a gift basket filled with vintage catnip, toys and various treats. The president has always loved cats ever since he was a lion handler in the Congo back in 1962, when he was known to the locals as Rafiki Joey from Scranton. He believes he can work with the Speaker on legislation that will benefit the American people as well as the Americats.”
“Don’t Stop! Scritch Me More, Yeah!”
Pain In The Bud 