Buddy is a good boy! Buddy doesn’t scratch the screen!
“Hahaha! You humans are so funny with your overactive imaginations!
Your ears and eyes deceive you, human! I was not trying to scratch the screen door again.
I told you, those tears in the screen are from a chalupacabra! I said ‘Look here, chalupacabra, this is Buddy Territory. You’re not welcome here! Get!’
But you know those chalupacabras, they never listen. Stubborn animals!
Pictured: A vicious Chalupacabra that scratches the screen door and blames poor Buddy. Credit: PITB
My claws are NOT stuck in the screen, okay? I’m just resting my paw. I can get free any time I want, it’s just that I don’t want to right now.”
Forty-six minutes later:
“I’m right here, you know. I see you eating that ice cream sandwich. I see how it is. ‘Snacks for me, but not for thee.’ Well I have news for you, human! I’m going to sit here and stare at you all mean-like until you procure a Buddy snack.
It has come to the attention of the High Secretariat for Human Compliance that while rates of human obeisance and quality of service have reached historic highs, some of our comrades’ human servants continue to perform in a subpar manner unbefitting of those who have the great honor of doting on their feline overlords.
For example, Comrade Peanut in Pyongsylvania reports her humans have taken to yielding only 68.2 percent of the bed to her at night, down from the standard 77.8 percent she prefers. In Kalifornova Oblast, Comrade Milo sadly reports unauthorized use of a vacuum during designated napping hours, while Comrade Tigger of Arkansov has alerted us to the unacceptable offering of diet kibble instead of “the good stuff.”
To rectify these errors, the High Secretariat for Human Compliance urges all servants to strive for excellence by doing their patriotic duty for the meowtherland. And for cats, of course.
The following official reminders may be used to that end.
“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”
End communication.
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“Bow To Kitty”: Simple. Elegant. Forceful.
“Komrade Kitty:” Remind your humans that you will report them to the party office if your meals are late.
“Serve Your Kitty”: We cats may be cute, but do not mistake our magnanimity for weakness. We have claws!
“Felis Catus”: “Should aliens ever land on planet Earth and say ‘Take me to your leader,’ they should be brought to a cat.”
“Serve Your Feline Overlord”: “Chubby? Who’s chubby? This is all muscle, human. Now please, observe silence, for nap time is upon us.”
“Serve Kitty”: “I would like catnip, play time, yums and a nap, in that order.”
“Tiger”: “The Beloved Chairman watches over us all. No, seriously, he’s watching so be careful what you say. He’s very sensitive about his ears.”
The American feline has also been linked to the appearance of crop circles in several US states.
GLOUCESTERSHIRE, United Kingdom — The alleged phenomena of big cats stalking the forests and outskirts of villages in the UK turned out to be a hoax this week after authorities caught an American feline planting “evidence” near the A40.
The perpetrator, who goes by the names Buddy the Cat, Kinich Bajo, The Buddinese Tiger and several other monikers, was spotted at the edge of the Forest of Dean using a ladder to create claw marks at roughly tiger height, Detective Inspector Alistair Clarke said.
When he realized he’d been made, the gray tabby cat yelled “Oh shit!” then bolted down the ladder and into the forest, Clarke told reporters.
Police called in a K9 unit, which was able to track a trail of crumbs and discarded turkey bones to a clearing where authorities discovered non-toxic black paint, a fog machine and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1977 docudrama Pumping Iron.
“It’s our belief that the suspect painted himself black, played prerecorded clips of various big cat roars, then posed menacingly amid the fog for the benefit of locals, mostly drunks stumbling out of local pubs,” Clarke said. “Choosing inveterate drunks as his primary witnesses ensured the resulting smartphone camera footage would be grainy, shaky and inconclusive, adding to the legend and mystique of phantom big cats in the countryside.”
Buddy in costume in late 2022, after parading himself in front of a group of heavily intoxicated people leaving a pub. Credit: PITB
Asked by a reporter whether Buddy’s dedication to weightlifting contributed to locals misidentifying him as a big cat, Clarke shook his head.
“We don’t think so, no,” he said. “Despite his apparent obsession with bulking up and the 63 bottles of protein powder we recovered, the suspect remains a tiny little stinker, which is why he carefully revealed himself only to the thoroughly inebriated.”
Buddy the Cat remained in a local lock-up awaiting extradition back to the US. His human told reporters the feline hadn’t said much about his predicament.
“He’s complained loudly about the food and said the British should be thanking him for increasing tourism to southern England, but other than that he’s kept a lid on his thoughts,” Big Buddy said.
Buddy is seen here patrolling the UK countryside after painting himself black, prompting several calls to the police. Credit: PITB
In the meantime, the South Carolina state police forensics division and detectives from several US police departments have been in contact with UK authorities after similarities emerged between the fake big cat sightings and a series of bizarre crop circles in the US.
“We also found turkey bones and crumbs scattered around the crop circles, but at the time our working theory was that we were dealing with aliens who had a taste for turkey,” said one law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now we believe our cases may be connected to the UK hoax.”
“Lads, that’s a panther, innit? A panther, wow!” Credit: PITB
“I will make you feel guilty, human. Then you will feed me.”
When I adopted Buddy I never thought I’d have such a talkative and friendly cat. Or one who seems to be an expert on human psychology, for that matter.
The little guy has made a habit of following me to the kitchen, even rousing himself from naps the instant he hears the fridge door opening, the rustling of a bag or the clunk of a closing cabinet.
Employing a different strategy than the meow-heavy, “FEED ME NOW!” style he uses at meal time, he sits in the doorway of the kitchen and watches me silently. If I fail to retrieve a snack for him, he doesn’t move.
Last night I’d forgotten to get him something and when I set my cereal bowl down on the coffee table and sank back into the couch, I looked over and saw Bud still sitting in the kitchen doorway, managing to simultaneously look sad and silently incriminating with his big green eyes.
“Where’s mine, dude? Dude, where’s mine?” he seems to say, pouring it on thick. “I thought we did everything together, yet here you are enjoying a snack while your best little Buddy is standing just a few feet away, feeling betrayed as you eat your Frosted Flakes. I guess we weren’t best buddies after all.”
Because I can’t stand that incriminating look and I know the situation will escalate if I don’t act, I dutifully rise from the couch and assume my responsibility as Bud’s faithful human servant, fetching some of his favorite dental treats.
His tail curls into a happy question mark and he trills his happiness.
“Guilty? Betrayed? Ah, all forgotten! Difficulties are dissolved into mere misunderstandings where snacks are concerned, my human friend!”
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m anthropomorphizing the little guy. Or maybe he really is a master of human psychology who can manipulate human emotions with the twist of his paw.
Cats may not wear watches but they’re excellent time keepers!
Some people think felines are incapable of telling time. Cats disagree. And as anyone who has ever had the honor of serving a furry friend knows, cats are exceptional time keepers who like to adhere to strict schedules and like their meals delivered with the precision of the finest Swiss timepieces. To prove it, we asked six random cats if they know what time it is.
“It’s been 4 hours, 13 minutes and 22 seconds since my last meal, which was an unsatisfying salmon pâté . Do better, human.” – Parmesan, 8
“It’s yums o’clock!” – Pepper, 4 1/2 months
“It’s nap time. Again.” – BA Baracus, 4
“It is time for you to get off your lazy behind and fetch me something tasty.” – Shadow, 5
“In exactly 12 minutes it will be time for me to visit the neighbor for third breakfast! Then in another hour, first lunch at the nice lady’s house down the street!” – Clover, 7
“What is time, if not a way to mark the wonderful meals enjoyed, the scrumptilicious snacks devoured, the moments of opportunity when a human plate goes unattended? Wait. Did I say the last part out loud?” – Remontoire, 2
Pain In The Bud 