A very good dog tells Buddy he should be grateful to humans instead of complaining about them.
Dear Buddy,
You’re kind of a jerk when it comes to humans.
Humans love us! They take care of us, they feed us, they let us sleep on the floor and drag our butts over the carpet!
They are so nice, always complimenting us and reminding us we’re good boys. They take us for walks, pick up our business and sometimes they let us sleep at the foot of the bed!
Humans are a little stressed right now. They have the whole virus thing on their minds. They’re worried about getting sick, or about their friends who are sick. I’m sure serving your dinner at exactly the right time isn’t the biggest priority right now. That’s a first world cat problem.
So maybe humans need your support and love instead of constant criticism. Have you ever thought of that?
– Good Boy Grateful in Georgia
Dear Good Boy,
No, I hadn’t thought of that.
Buddy the Impatient
P.S. Meal service tardiness is not a trivial matter.
How humans should be treating us during the Coronavirus pandemic. Credit: Great Canine/imgur
Cat Person collaborated with “design agency” Layer for the Cat Person Collection, utilizing what its creators call a “minimal, contemporary aesthetic” meant to be “proudly displayed in the home and on social media.”
If by contemporary they mean overpriced crap in pastel colors that wouldn’t look out of place on the 80s-era USS Enterprise D, then I suppose it could work.
“Where do you want the litter box, Captain?”
The “collection” has two items — the $40 “Mesa Bowl” that was allegedly designed to combat whisker fatigue, but looks like one bowl stacked on top of another and placed on a cafeteria tray; and the “Canopy Bed,” an $80 cushion that your cat will never use.
The press release for the Cat Person collection, which contains much self-congratulatory language about “disrupting industries” and other marketing-speak, claims the “collection” was based on extensive research into the wants and needs of cat owners, particularly millennials.
As a millennial who almost qualifies as a Gen-Xer, I suspect someone swapped out that research with a home decor survey from 1986, and this is the result.
We don’t accept money from sponsors or advertisers — hell, we don’t even have any ads — so any mention of cat-related products and food on this site is purely for the benefit of our readers. If at some point we get greedy and some company buys Buddy’s loyalty with a lifetime’s supply of turkey treats, we’ll fully disclose that conflict of interest.
Humans home too much lately? Buddy’s got a solution!
Dear Buddy,
There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.
WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.
Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.
Do you know why this is happening?
– Perturbed in Pensacola
Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo
Dear Perturbed,
I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.
Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.
I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)
Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!
That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.
I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!
From Tic-Cat-Toe to Zoomies Bowling, people and their cats look to stave off boredom.
You’re bored, we’re bored, everyone’s bored.
We’re all living like hermits these days, hunkered down at home, trying to limit our exposure to the Coronavirus while risking cabin fever.
We’re trying to find new activities here in El Casa de Buddy: There aren’t any live sports, the new season of Netflix’s awesome action drama Kingdom only had six episodes, and there are only so many times you can watch humorous clips of idiots playing trombones on bikes or Ali G exasperating another poor soul with his profound stupidity. (“It’s a farm. Do you know what a farm is?” “It’s a rubbish zoo.”)
Necessity being the mother of invention and all that, people have begun inventing sports to play with their cats.
Cat cricket:
I’ve invented a game of “cat cricket”.
🏏My cat has to defend the box from my ping pong ball.
🏏If the ball hits the cardboard, that’s a point to me. 🤷🏻♂️
Inspired by the creativity of other feline servants, I put a few suggestions to Buddy.
“Hey Bud, wanna play cat soccer?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a game. We take a ball and…”
“Nope. Got napping to do.”
“Uh, okay. How about cat golf? I’ll cut a hole in a cardboard box and…”
“Don’t you dare defile a box!”
“But it’ll be fun! Come on, little dude.”
“I have an idea for a game.”
“You do?”
“Yep. It’s called Buddy takes a nap, and Big Buddy stays quiet otherwise Little Buddy bites him. We start playing now.”
So there you have it. We’re gonna try our hand/paw at competitive napping, which I suppose works for us since Buddy’s favorite way to nap is curling up on top of me.
If any of our readers have found novel ways to simultaneously entertain themselves and their feline masters, please do share.
The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel muscles in on Buddy’s territory.
NEW YORK — At least five cats — including two kittens — were caught in the cross-spray of a drive-by urinating on Tuesday night, the latest innocent victims of an ongoing war between niplords vying for territorial control to push their product.
Lil Tubbie, a local tabby, said he was out for an after-kibble walk when he found himself in the middle of full-fledged gang warfare.
“The usual lowlifes were hawking their can-bags of nip on the street when a minivan came to a screeching halt and a half dozen Los Gatos just poured out from the back seat, screeching like bats out of hell,” Lil Tubbie said. “They were ruthless, pissing everywhere to mark their territory. I saw one poor kitten get sprayed in the face. It was chaos.”
The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel is notorious for its drive-by sprayings.
There was no warning an attack was imminent, and authorities said they were taken aback by the strike’s brutality, potentially marking an escalation in a catnip war that has been raging for months.
“This is not the first time the Los Gatos have strong-pawed their way to acquiring new territory,” Pawlice Chief Mr. Snuggles said. “But in the past, gangs and cartels observed a code. Now any innocent cat just going about their business in public runs the risk of getting blasted in the face or drenched by marauding gang members.”
Like their wild forebears, cat cartel members usurp new territory by urinating on it, marking the boundaries of their domains with the acidic, ammonia-like scent of kitty pee.
“Whatchu lookin’ at?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is famous for his ruthless drive-by urinatings against rival nip families and cartels alike.
Buddy the Niplord, who runs the area’s most powerful catnip cartel, is expected to retaliate against Los Gatos’ latest power play, analysts said.
“If Buddy doesn’t retaliate, he looks weak,” said Claws Furson, a feline criminologist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Meownhattan. “Police are on high alert, warning kittens to stay inside while they brace for the next violent outburst. The catnip wars take a real toll on our communities.”
Avon Meowsdale, a powerful niplord who was taken down by Buddy’s cartel in 2011, was subjected to “kibble boarding,” a form of torture in which the feline victim is strapped to a table underneath a sieve and slowly driven insane by a steady drip of kibble.
Gang cats claim an alley from which to sling potent catnip.
The Los Gatos are known for their own brand of torture, famously subjecting cartel boss Pawblo Escobar to “El Gruñido” (The Growling), a form of torture in which the victim is placed in a cage and forced to watch as cats around him dine on delicious wet food.
Both kibble-boarding and The Growling were condemned by the UN High Commission on Feline Warfare, categorizing both methods as war crimes prosecutable by The Hague.
In the meantime, neighborhood cats have taken to wearing rain coats to protect themselves against random scent-marking drive-by sprayings. Meowmoud Mohammad, a Persian cat who owns Feline Fashions in Manhattan, said he can’t keep them stocked.
“I suggest pre-ordering to reserve a rain coat when the next batch arrives,” Meowmoud said. “With all these gangs trading urine salvos, it’s the innocent who suffer. Don’t let yourself get caught in the cross-stream without protection.”
Cats loyal to Buddy the Niplord patrol their territory on Tuesday.
Pain In The Bud 