Tag: humans

Dear Buddy: Why Are Our Humans Home All The Time?

Dear Buddy,

There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.

Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.

Do you know why this is happening?

– Perturbed in Pensacola

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Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo

Dear Perturbed,

I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.

Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.

I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)

Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!

That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.

I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!

Your friend,

Budlock Holmes

 

Cat Servant Quarterly Performance Review

Office of His Grace, Buddy I

Quarterly Performance Review, Summer 2019 for Big Buddy, human servant in the king’s employ

Food:

Meal selection remains satisfactory. You are to be commended for serving a rotation of delicious yums, including turkey, chicken, salmon, beef, whitefish and occasionally more exotic dishes like duck.

Service itself could be improved: On one occasion dinner was served 82 seconds late, and on another occasion the meal was tardy by an unacceptable 113 seconds. That’s almost two minutes!

In addition, the King wishes to remind his servant that His Grace prefers when his servant mixes the pate up to soften it, shaping it in a neat pile in the center of the bowl.

Treat quality and variety are satisfactory. The frequency with which treats are dispensed, however, is not. We’ve mentioned this on your last 12 quarterly reports.

Sleeping situation:

Big Buddy performs an essential function, serving as His Grace’s mattress. There was a moment of concern earlier this summer when Big Buddy had lost several pounds upon returning from Japan, threatening the integrity of His Grace’s cushion, but after written reprimands and several bites, the weight was restored. See that it remains.

Litter box maintenance:

Satisfactory.

Toy selection:

Satisfactory. His Grace prefers Da Bird and the fishy wand toy. Also, he likes it when Big Buddy sprinkles treats in his cat tunnel. Those are always a delightful surprise.

Visitors:

There was one week when His Grace was forced to endure the presence of miniature humans, otherwise known as Big Buddy’s nieces. The miniature humans were well-behaved for the most part, although His Grace would remind Big Buddy to remind the miniature humans not to appropriate His Grace’s toys.

Overall evaluation: 6.5/10

His Grace feels that Big Buddy could improve his quarterly score by addressing areas of concern, especially the aforementioned treat frequency issue.

 

WANTED: Handy Human for Home Improvement

I need a handy human to come over to Big Buddy’s my apartment when Big Buddy is not here and help me with a little home improvement project.

Specifically I need you to unscrew all the hinge thingies and the hinges too, and take the doors down.

All of them.

Except maybe the one in the front because it keeps unwanted riff raff like dogs out of my house. But most definitely the doors to Big Buddy’s my bedroom and the bathroom need to go. Those are the most important ones.

nodoors

As payment you can keep the doors you take down, and you can take a selfie with me so you can show all your friends you met the most handsomest and ripped cat in all the realm.

P.S. – I will take TWO selfies with any handy human who can also build me a staircase to the treat cabinet in the kitchen!

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Above: What I would like you to do in my house.