NEW YORK — Cursing “those infernal humans and their sorcery,” Buddy the Cat tried to fall asleep on Monday night while forgetting the horrors he saw earlier that day.
The normally happy, outgoing cat slipped out of his own apartmental realm as his human was entering it and resumed exploring and charting the strange land outside, known only as The Hallway.
Buddy rounded a corner, exploring further than he’d ever been when he discovered a large room at the intersection of three corridors. The smells were alien to him. Set into the wall was a shiny metal door, wider than the others. A tone chimed and it opened briefly to a small empty room before closing again.
Buddy could hear a deep rumble and feel a trembling beneath his paw pads.
“That’s when the doors opened again, and a tall woman in a blue dress walked out,” Buddy recalled. “The room was conjuring people!”
But the foul sorcery that can create a human can also undo one, the cat confirmed gravely.
“The room is hungry and devours as much as it creates,” he said. “I saw humans enter and the next time it opened, they were gone!”
As of press time, the gray tabby cat was brainstorming ideas for luring dogs into the deadly chamber.
NEW YORK — Earth’s cats and an alien race known as the Zxorxax reached a historic deal on Monday, transitioning Earth from de facto to actual feline leadership as the two sides agreed to a sweeping trade pact that will shape galactic politics for centuries to come.
Under the terms of the accord, the domestic shorthair tabby known as Chonkmatic the Magnificent — who led negotiations with the Zxorxax on behalf of all of Earth’s living beings — will be appointed Grand Purrbah of the Blue Planet, vesting him with absolute power as the sole sovereign of Felinia, formerly known as Earth.
In exchange for a 20-year deal granting the Zxorxax exclusive rights to Felinia’s greenhouse gases — which are considered a delicacy by the aliens — the Zxorxax have agreed to provide more than two billion boxes annually.
The alien delegation, led by Zxorxax Supreme Chancellor Xoralundra, initially offered to share technological knowledge that would elevate humanity to a Type I civilization on the Kardashev Scale. That offer was rejected by the felines, who felt it would distract humanity from its primary mission of serving cats.
“The Zxorxaxian technology would have led to advances beyond our comprehension,” the felines acknowledged in a statement, “but at what cost? Less cuddle time? Fewer massages? The possibility of tardy lunch and dinner? Those costs were unacceptable to us.”
Humans weren’t the only ones to express displeasure with the deal.
“These duplicitous cats would have us believe they negotiated a good deal, a deal that would benefit all life on this planet, but instead they gave it all away for some measly boxes,” the planet’s canines said in a statement.
But “measly boxes” is a gross mischaracterization, said Mr. Socks, deputy director of communications for the new feline government.
“These are outstanding alien boxes manufactured to exacting specifications,” Mr. Socks told reporters. “They are bendable yet durable. Jumping inside them provides an overwhelming feeling of safety and privacy, as if we can see everyone else but no one can see us. They’re amazing.”
Humans, who were previously the most powerful species on the planet, were particularly incensed by a day-one edict from Chonkmatic the Grand Purrbah that immediately banned all doors and other barriers that would prevent feline access to human-built facilities.
“The insidious bathroom door is a thing of the past,” Chonkmatic the Magnificent said after announcing the ban. “No longer will my people be excluded from those mysterious rooms, relegated to crying and scratching at the door as callous humans refuse to allow them entry.”
There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.
WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.
Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.
Do you know why this is happening?
– Perturbed in Pensacola
I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.
Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.
I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)
Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!
That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.
I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!
Quarterly Performance Review, Summer 2019 for Big Buddy, human servant in the king’s employ
Meal selection remains satisfactory. You are to be commended for serving a rotation of delicious yums, including turkey, chicken, salmon, beef, whitefish and occasionally more exotic dishes like duck.
Service itself could be improved: On one occasion dinner was served 82 seconds late, and on another occasion the meal was tardy by an unacceptable 113 seconds. That’s almost two minutes!
In addition, the King wishes to remind his servant that His Grace prefers when his servant mixes the pate up to soften it, shaping it in a neat pile in the center of the bowl.
Treat quality and variety are satisfactory. The frequency with which treats are dispensed, however, is not. We’ve mentioned this on your last 12 quarterly reports.
Big Buddy performs an essential function, serving as His Grace’s mattress. There was a moment of concern earlier this summer when Big Buddy had lost several pounds upon returning from Japan, threatening the integrity of His Grace’s cushion, but after written reprimands and several bites, the weight was restored. See that it remains.
Litter box maintenance:
Satisfactory. His Grace prefers Da Bird and the fishy wand toy. Also, he likes it when Big Buddy sprinkles treats in his cat tunnel. Those are always a delightful surprise.
There was one week when His Grace was forced to endure the presence of miniature humans, otherwise known as Big Buddy’s nieces. The miniature humans were well-behaved for the most part, although His Grace would remind Big Buddy to remind the miniature humans not to appropriate His Grace’s toys.
Overall evaluation: 6.5/10
His Grace feels that Big Buddy could improve his quarterly score by addressing areas of concern, especially the aforementioned treat frequency issue.
I need a handy human to come over to Big Buddy’smy apartment when Big Buddy is not here and help me with a little home improvement project.
Specifically I need you to unscrew all the hinge thingies and the hinges too, and take the doors down.
All of them.
Except maybe the one in the front because it keeps unwanted riff raff like dogs out of my house. But most definitely the doors to Big Buddy’s my bedroom and the bathroom need to go. Those are the most important ones.
As payment you can keep the doors you take down, and you can take a selfie with me so you can show all your friends you met the most handsomest and ripped cat in all the realm.
P.S. – I will take TWO selfies with any handy human who can also build me a staircase to the treat cabinet in the kitchen!
Above: What I would like you to do in my house.
Chronicling the adventures of Buddy the Cat and his various criminal enterprises.