King Buddy issues a royal decree forbidding lesser animals, like monkeys and humans, from upstaging him on his own blog.
Dear Big Buddy,
This letter is to serve as notice that I, Little Buddy, forbid you from befowling my blog with images of any other animals, including humans and snow monkeys. (With the exception of turkey, of course.)
The blog is called Buddy: An Awesome and Handsome Cat for a reason. Readers come here to see me! We don’t want to confuse them with photographs of ugly beasts who fling their poop at each other.
Signed,
Buddy the Handsome, First of His Name, Protector of the Apartmental Realm, Sole Sovereign of the Fields of Turkey, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Menace
Dear Little Buddy,
No problem, little guy. I won’t befowl your blog with photos of lesser beasts like humans and monkeys. I’ll befoul it! Muahahaha!
– Big Buddy
Who is this Buddy the Cat you speak of?“What’s a Buddy?”“I have my own Buddy, thank you very much.”“Look at what a cute baby I am! I’ll bet Buddy was never this cute!”“What? He’s on another continent?! What’s he gonna do, bite you? lol.”“I heard cats groom themselves, the selfish jerks.”“A who? No thanks, I already have an annoying little life form to take care of.”“Let all the realm know what Buddy has decreed!”
My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane.
Dear Buddy,
My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane. This is getting to be a bit much: I already catch dinner since she is inept at hunting, but she doesn’t appreciate that. I brought her a nice juicy mouse, but she freaked out and threw it away! No appreciation, I tell ya…
Anyways, what should I do about the grooming?
Hygienic in Hawaii
Dear Hygienic in Hawaii,
I’m glad you wrote to me, because this is an ongoing problem with humans! I own a male human and have tried to teach him how to groom himself to no avail.
What I recommend you do is wait until your human is asleep. That’s what I do. When Big Buddy settles down in bed I start grooming myself like I’m about to go to sleep, and as soon as I hear him snoring I finish up grooming my butt with my tongue and pad on over to his face. He has hair on top of his head and on his cheeks and chin, so I usually start with his chin and work my way up.
If he wakes up I just start purring and go “Meow meow, look at me I’m a simple kitty!” and he falls to sleep again, allowing me to finish the job.
You can try communicating, but it won’t work. Humans are stupid. Everyone knows poop in a shoe means “You’re disgusting! Bathe yourself!” but humans just get mad and yell about how much the shoe costs. Idiots.
Pain In The Bud 