Buddy Commissions Fresco Of His Great Victory Over Rodent

Buddy the Cat revises history and imagines defeating a rodent instead of sleeping while it invaded his territory.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat’s human servant returned home Friday to discover the buzz of craftsmen and smell of fresh paint after the silver tabby commissioned a fresco to celebrate his recent victory over a menacing rodent.

Amid the commotion was Luigi Tettamanzi, 62, one of Italy’s foremost Renaissance revivalists. The artist crouched on one knee, applying fine brush strokes to render the beginnings of a sun beam illuminating a powerful feline form in mid-leap with claws extended.

The fresh plaster had already been painted with a luminous sky blue, and broad strokes outlined the suggestion of mountains and forests in the background.

“You see, yes, I use bright and dramatic colors on the arriccio, paint you very heroic, ah?” Tettamanzi told the famously egotistical feline as they conferred during a break. “Not to worry, my friend. I make sure is okay with you before I apply intonaco, yes.”

At Buddy’s instruction, Tettamanzi had begun to render the mouse as a savage and menacing beast several hundred times its actual size. The painting shows a trail of death and destruction behind the mouse, with terrified onlookers pointing at the majestic feline leaping to engage the monstrous rodent. His outstretched paw connects with the enemy, the strike represented with a brilliant flash of energy in chaotic brush strokes.

A cartouche above the painting identifies it as “The Battle of the Rodential Interloper: Year 7 A.B. Resulting In Glorious Buddesian Victory.”

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An early concept drawing of the intruder.

For several long moments, Big Buddy could only stare, dumbfounded.

Buuuuud!” the human finally said, incredulity in his voice. “What the hell are you doing?”

The tabby looked up from some concept drawings he was reviewing with Tettamanzi.

“Commemorating my victory, of course,” Buddy replied. “The painting represents my heroic actions that day, when I saved many humans from a sinister and vicious rodent-beast.”

The human sighed.

“No, you did not!” he said. “You slept through the whole thing. You didn’t even know the mouse was here until you woke up from your nap an hour later.”

“Fake news!” Buddy said, turning back to Tettamanzi to confer on palette choices and urge the artist to make him look more muscular.

As of press time the fresco had been extended to a second wall, with a new panel depicting a powerfully built Buddy atop a throne adorned with lion motifs, and humans bending the knee before him as he magnanimously accepts oaths of loyalty.

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A “more accurate” version, according to Buddy, but still not as dramatic as the real battle.

Buddy The Cat’s Christmas Songbook

Buddy the Cat sings holiday and Christmas classics from a feline perspective.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I am going to destroy you!
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to annoy you!
Got yummies in my bowl to taste, and ornaments and lights to break
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I am going to destroy you!

Your branches point so high and straight
Just begging for a swipe to take
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
I will annihilate you!

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches?
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to faceplant it!
The Hallmarks will shatter and break, I’ll make disaster of this place
Oh Christmas tree, oh Big Buddy, I am going to annoy you!

You sparkle like the morning dew
Look mangled when I’m done with you
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
What fun it is to wreck stuff!

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Buddy’s Favorite Things

Temps in my bowlses and snacks in the kitchen
Taunting the street cats and smacking some kittens
Leaving the neighbor’s dog tied up in strings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Bubble wrap, peanuts and UPS boxes
4 a.m. zooms when I scream like a rocket
Waking my human with songs that I sing
These are a few of my favorite things!

At nail clip time, things I dislike
When I’m really mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Calico booties and slices of Gouda
Ambushing like I’ve been launched by bazooka
No consequences ’cause I am the king
These are a few of my favorite things!

Screeching in anguish at doors closed between us
Shattering Wise Men and statues of Jesus
I helped myself to the buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Meow at my bowl as if I’ve been forgotten
Screeching in panic ’cause I see the bottom
Gorging on kibble till I am puking
These are a few of my favorite things!

When I’m told no, ’cause I broke those
When my dad is mad
I’ll get away with my favorite things
Because I’m a real cute cat!

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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere I look
Take a look at the Christmas tree, it’s been redesigned by me
And the lights are broken!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Coal in every sock
It’s beginning to look a bit like I’ve had too much catnip
And now I’m dizzy!

A Santa Claws surprise and a Roomba for me to ride
Is the wish of Buddy the Cat
A box to take a nap and another to take a crap
What do you think of that?
And my human can hardly wait for vacation!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
With every wrap I shred
Now it’s nap time for me, underneath the Christmas tree
Then I’ll demand treats!

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Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
My human gave to me
A can of delicious turkey

On the second day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the third day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the fourth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the fifth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Five golden bowls
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the sixth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
Six Chewy orders
Five golden bowls
Four kneading blankets
Three cozy boxes
Two window perches
And a can of delicious turkey

On the seventh…zzzz…
…zzzz…

Hey, Bud?

…zzz…turkeh…zzzz…

Bud!

…zzz…

Well, it looks like the catnip and tryptophan have done their thing and the little guy is asleep, dreaming of turkey and presents. Don’t worry, he’ll be singing these songs for five more days. Five more days?!?! Ugh…

 

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Sunday Cats: Should Kitties Be Allowed On Passenger Jets? Plus: Footballers Adopt Cat From Qatar

Buddy the Cat tries to sell his human. Meanwhile, UK soccer stars adopt their own new buddy from Qatar.

Happy Sunday, dear readers. Buddy’s apparently angry with me about something, because I found a copy of this on the printer:

Human Buddy 4 Sale
Listed under “For sale by owner.”

What could I have done to deserve this? And $16? Isn’t that a little low? It’s insulting! We’re gonna need to have a little chat, Buddy to Buddy.

Should Cats Be Allowed On Airplanes?

CNN’s Jacqueline Swartz has a column about the challenges of traveling when you’re afflicted with severe allergies. Swartz is thoughtful, isn’t resentful of cats and understands it’s on her — for the time being, at least — to prep for flights by taking allergy medication, but she also believes airlines can do more to accommodate people who are allergic to pets.

As a cat guy and someone who dealt with really bad cat and dog allergies in my childhood and teenage years, I can sympathize with Swartz’s plight, and I agree that airlines can do more.

Of course, by “Should cats be allowed on airplanes?” she’s really asking if cats should be allowed in the passenger cabin. Even if a feline’s snug in a carrier, tucked beneath its human’s seat and well-behaved during the flight, a relatively short six-hours from New York to LA can cause all kinds of havoc on the immune systems and sinuses of people who are ultra-sensitive to cat dander.

Cat on passenger flight
Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Putting cats in cargo compartments is not an answer, and neither is banning cats from flights. Sometimes flying with a cat is a necessity, whether you’re moving cross-country or planning to live abroad temporarily. But airlines are notorious for trying to extract every dime from passengers, whether it’s charging thousands for business class or up-selling regular seats as “premium coach” by offering a Louis Vuitton-branded pillow or whatever.

Perhaps some enterprising airline executive could build goodwill with travelers, earning extra business and loyalty along the way with an innovative and friendly way to handle animals. How much space could possibly be required for a quiet, closed-off, climate-controlled closet where six or eight cats in carriers can snooze during a flight? That would solve the allergy problem, make life easier for everyone and probably make traveling easier on cats too.

Dave the Cat has a new home in England

While a thoughtless PR official for Brazil’s national team drew the ire of animal lovers for the way he mishandled a cat during a press conference — an unforced error, since the cat wasn’t bothering anyone — some good is coming out of the World Cup for at least one feline.

Dave the Cat, a friendly stray befriended by England defenders Kyle Walker and John Stones, will be adopted by the players, who both suit up for the Premiere League’s Manchester City during normal club play.

Dave, a cream-colored tabby, won’t be reunited with his new pals right away. He’ll have to endure four months of quarantine first, as per the UK’s rules on bringing animals to the country, and then presumably he’ll be adopted by Walker, Stones or the entire team.

Brazil World Cup cat
An official with Brazil’s national team caught heat for the way he picked up and tossed a cat in Qatar. (Screengrab)

 

Cat in Qatar
Thankfully, the cat seemed unharmed.

Buddy The Cat ‘Too Busy’ To Accept Challenge From Feline MMA Phenom

Buddy says he would totally fight Sphynxie if he could fit the bout into his schedule, obviously.

Saying he couldn’t find a way to squeeze it into his schedule over the next year, Buddy the Cat declined a challenge to step into the cage with one of feline MMA’s brightest young stars.

The challenge came courtesy of Sphynxie the Smasher, a four-year-old hairless cat from San Jose, California. The skilled cat uploaded a video in which he pumped iron and ridiculed Buddy for his “completely delusional claim that he’s a badass” and his “hilarious talk about having huge muscles.”

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Sphynxie the Cat taking protein supplements after an intense workout.

“This is what huge meowscles look like,” Sphynxie said, curling a meaty forearm and flexing his bicep. “Not the flab of some chubby tabby hoping we won’t notice how many snacks he devours.”

Sphynxie challenged Buddy to a cage match “any time, any place” and said he’d even tie one paw behind his back “to make it even with the chonkster.”

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Buddy issued a response on Twitter.

“First of all I’m not chubby, so that’s fake news!” Buddy wrote. “I’m 100% pure lean, mean badass.”

“Secondly, I’d be honored to step into the cage with Sphynxie and teach him a lesson that he’ll remember long after the real Sphinx is weathered to dust,” he continued. “Unfortunately my meownager says I can’t squeeze it into my schedule. I’m shooting my new movie, Fowl Play, through mid March, and then I’m going on tour to promote my next album. In between that stuff I really need to nap when I can, get some laser pointer work in, and catch up on eating turkey. Sphynxie should count himself lucky, because he dodged a bullet!”

The viral hashtags #BuddyDucksFights, #BuddyIsADuck and #ScaredBuddy were trending late Sunday night, prompting a long list of others to challenge the gray tabby to elicit increasingly ridiculous excuses from him.

One of them, a challenge from a five-month-old Russian named Oreonov the Putinizer, accumulated more than 20,000 likes in just a few hours.

“I am kitten. He is full grown cat, yet he won’t step into cage with me,” Oreonov wrote. “He knows I crush him for the glory of motherland.”

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Guinness Certifies 27-Year-Old As World’s Oldest Cat

Flossie’s outlived two “owners” and has lived the human equivalent of 120 years.

Bill Clinton was still in his first term as president of the United States, Oasis and Radiohead ruled the music charts, and millions of people were taking their tentative first steps onto the internet via noisy modems and a service called AOL.

That’s the world Flossie the cat was born into in 1995, and you can imagine her sitting by a fire with some wide-eyed kittens, telling them that back in her day humans didn’t stare at those silly little phone screens all day and the concept of gourmet cat food didn’t exist.

“You kittens today with your snobby grain-free wet food and your doting human parents,” Flossie might say. “Back in my day all we had was Fancy Feast, and if we didn’t eat it, we didn’t get dessert!”

At 26 years and 316 days old as of Thanksgiving Day, Flossie has been verified as the world’s oldest cat by Guinness World Records. That makes the tortoiseshell, at a little more than a month shy of her 27th birthday, the equivalent of 120 human years old.

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Flossie enjoys a snooze. Credit: Guinness World Records

Flossie is deaf and her vision is deteriorated, but veterinarians say she’s otherwise in good health. Her human, Vicki Green, said she’s surprisingly energetic for her age as well as “so affectionate and playful, [and] especially sweet when you remember how old she is.”

The super senior kitty hasn’t lost her appetite either.

“She never turns her nose up at the chance of a good meal,” Green told Guinness.

Flossie began her life as a stray and has outlived two owners. She lived in a cat colony on the grounds of the now-defunct Mercyside Hospital near Liverpool and was adopted some time in her first year of life. Her human died in 2005, and Flossie was taken in by her human’s sister, who cared for Flossie until her death in 2019. The woman’s son took Flossie and looked after her for a few years, but realized he wasn’t the caretaker she needed.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said Naomi Rosling of the UK’s Cats Protection, where Flossie was surrendered. “He sought our help when it was in Flossie’s best interests. Responsible cat ownership is when someone thinks about an animal’s needs above their feelings.”

Flossie the cat
Flossie with Green and their official Guinness World Records certificate. Credit: Guinness World Records

The staff at Cats Protection thought Flossie might not find a new home since many potential adopters don’t want an ancient cat, but Green has experience caring for older cats. Her previous cat, Honeybun, died at 21 years old.

“I’ve always wanted to give older cats a comfortable later life,” Green said.

The all-time record for longest-lived cat was Creme Puff, a Texas cat who was born on Aug. 3, 1967 and died on Aug. 6, 2005, just after her 38th birthday. Creme Puff was also certified by Guinness, which lists 18 other cats who lived to at least 30 years old. Domestic cats who live indoors, are fed healthy diets and are well taken care of live 16 years on average.