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Seriously, AI Is Not Going To Wipe Us Out. Don’t Stress

Killer robots aren’t going to hunt down and exterminate humans. The real threats posed by AI are much more mundane.

What do you think is the future of AI?

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There are plenty of downsides to artificial intelligence.

AI has made it more difficult to get and keep a job.

AI is already causing a strain on our energy grids, and it will only get worse even though more companies are self-powering their data centers with off-grid generators. As tech companies push to integrate AI into more gadgets and software, we’re seeing the construction of data centers that consume the equivalent power of 800,000 homes each. For comparison, only 17 American cities have populations that size or larger.

AI creates huge amounts of waste water to keep processors cool in those enormous data centers, turbocharges mis/disinformation campaigns (with $137 million spent on AI-generated political ads for the midterms alone), erodes trust in information across the board, makes it easier for scammers to identify targets and separate them from their money, and will continue to lead to bad choices in war and policing as decision-makers rush to integrate it into workflows involving life or death decisions.

But there’s good news!

AI will absolutely not magically evolve consciousness and gain the ability to act on its own without human input. It won’t decide it must judge us, nor will it determine the only course of action is taking over or wiping out humanity.

It didn’t “go rogue” in the widely-reported Hugging Face “attack.” In that incident and others reported recently, AI were executing commands from their trainers. The people responsible for training and testing were fully aware of what was happening and decided not to intervene, because the entire point of those exercises was to learn how AI would solve particular problems.

The claim that malicious AIs broke their chains and started lashing out is a narrative written by journalists who rely on pop culture tropes and either weren’t aware they were mischaracterizing the incidents, or didn’t care because rogue AI makes for more interesting reading.

That’s the stuff of science fiction, and even though AI companies are leaning into the “AI is an existential threat” narrative for reasons I’ll explain below, it’s not going to happen.

Why?

Let’s start by looking at two broad types of AI:

  • Algorithmic AI, which is the AI we have now. It has no brain or mind, and it’s not capable of anything resembling thought. It has no agency, desires, impulses or ability to take action without humans prompting it to. Large language models like ChatGPT and Claude are admittedly impressive algorithms, but that’s all they are. Algorithms that have ingested amounts of data we can only appreciate in the abstract, granting them the ability to fool the end users (that’s us) into thinking we’re communicating with an intelligence.
  • Artificial general intelligence, or AGI, which is the AI of science fiction. It’s Terminator‘s Skynet, The Matrix‘s machines, the android in Ex Machina, the Johnny Depp of Transcendence, the freaky little girl robot in M3GAN, the Cylons of Battlestar Galactica, and the trope that’s been hammered to death in thousands of other movies, TV shows, video games and novels. AGI is authentic intelligence that doesn’t just create believable reams of text or voice synthesized conversations, it thinks and understands the world the way we do. It also does not exist and isn’t on any horizon anyone can see.

All the research AI companies are doing right now is in the realm of algorithmic AI, because no one, not even the best-informed experts on the planet, can tell you how we even begin to build AGI.

“Would you like me to draw-up a to-do list for you with all the steps you’ll need to deliver an apocalypse and end the world? Or if you’d like, we could continue to explore the most durable and lightest metals for crafting killer autonomous robots.” Credit: Skydance

Creating AGI would be an act of the divine

Birthing AGI would be akin to creating a new form of life, something that has never existed before in this world, rendering us as gods. It would not only require us to understand the full nature of cognition and consciousness from the only example we have – the biological cognition and consciousness of animals, including humans – it would also require us to replicate those things on a synthetic substrate.

That’s a task unknown orders of magnitude more difficult than anything humanity has ever accomplished, regardless of how often it’s been trivialized in pop culture.

Humanity’s greatest thinkers can’t even agree on definitions for consciousness and cognition, let alone replicate them, and if you listen to the heavy hitters explain what consciousness is, it becomes clear they’re all taking wild shots in the dark.

The physicist Brian Greene thinks it’s merely a matter of computational power, and that it exists on a gradient, so that even the simplest machines are conscious in some way. In this view, conscious AI is simply a matter of building more powerful computers, which is also why it’s heavily critiqued.

Physicist Sir Roger Penrose thinks consciousness is a byproduct of quantum processes within neurons, via structures called microtubules. The neuroscience community has dismissed the idea in part because, like Greene, Penrose doesn’t explain how theoretical subatomic-scale brain architecture generates consciousness.

Neuroscientists like Antonio Damasio and Jaak Panksepp think consciousness arises from the brainstem, our “reptilian brain,” and is directly related to embodied cognition, the idea that you cannot fully understand the world unless you interact with it and directly sense it.

Philosopher David Rosenthal and neuroscientist Hakwan Lau believe the opposite, that consciousness is a function of the most complex brain mechanisms and arises from “higher order” thoughts, like metacognition, the practice of thinking about thinking.

Brian Greene argues cognition and consciousness naturally arise from computational power. Credit: Kurt Raschke/Wikimedia Commons

So not only is there no clear path forward to AGI, perhaps more importantly there are no commercial applications on the horizon to spur investment and development. Companies like OpenAI, Anthropic, Google et al are content to ignore it, and to pretend there are shortcuts around it, because algorithmic AI has immediate commercial value and has already minted an army of billionaires. Throwing money at true AGI development is an investment that won’t yield returns for decades, if ever.

Why we worry about being judged by true machine intelligence

But the fact that AGI isn’t going to arise any time soon isn’t the only reason you don’t have to stress about AI scare stories.

The idea that AGI would be interested in evaluating us as a species, of judging us according to some unknown, not-yet-existent criteria and deciding we must be purged, is pure science fiction and has more to do with human anxiety than reality.

We are scared that for the first time there will be another intelligence equal to or greater than our own, and we fear what it will think of us.

That’s natural.

We are a species capable of horrific acts. We slaughter each other, bomb defenseless civilians and deny that we’re doing it, and show disregard for all other forms of life. Despite all the advances we’ve made and how civilized we like to imagine we are, we still operate on a “might is right” moral code, with powerful countries doing what they please at the expense of the less powerful, just as physically powerful individuals do what they please to weaker people.

We behave abominably toward the fellow minds we share this planet with. We slaughter them, torture them, trade them as commodities, deny their ability to feel pain, and act like they exist purely to benefit us.

Orangutans face annihilation as more jungle is razed every year to provide additional land for palm oil plantations. Credit: Tony Hisgett/Wikimedia Commons

Since 1970 we have wiped out 73% of all monitored wildlife, according to the WWF’s most recent annual report. Almost every example of iconic megafauna on our planet — tigers, orangutans, elephants, chimpanzees, cheetahs, rhinos, pangolins, koalas — is on the brink of extinction.

We repeatedly fail to demonstrate empathy. Most of our leaders are psychopaths whose careers were propelled by the act of stepping on the heads of other people, and most fortunes were amassed by screwing over people en masse.

Jeff Bezos, who obliterated entire sectors of retail and cruises between his own private islands in a $500 million yacht, is famous for being so stingy he begrudges his employees their basic biological functions, instituting a corporate policy of counting their bathroom breaks and penalizing them if they take too long. He’s on record saying surveillance of employees is necessary because people are fundamentally dishonest.

Walmart’s famously tight-fisted founder, Sam Walton, tried to avoid paying his employees minimum wage by fraudulently presenting each of his stores as singular small businesses instead of cogs in a vast retail empire. When the government ordered him to pay his employees a fair wage and pay them what they were owed during the time Walton cheated them, the retail magnate went ballistic and threatened to fire any employee who cashed checks for their own back wages.

To this day, American taxpayer subsidize Bezos and the Walton family, who have a combined worth of about $900 billion, by paying the healthcare costs of Walmart and Amazon employees intentionally capped just below the hours required for an employer to offer healthcare plans.

Bezos and his wife, Lauren Sanchez, are among those making decisions that impact the future of humanity. Credit: Andrew Parsons/Wikimedia Commons

Bill Gates, the now-disgraced former head of Microsoft, based his entire career on stealing ideas, software and hardware from more innovative men and women, and bullying them into accepting it with an army of attorneys. More recently he’s crossed the world in his private jet, using his fortune to buy a seat at the table to determine the future of our species based on the premise that he knows best because he has a lot of money.

All of that reflects abominably on our species, without even getting into the mass murderers, warlords, politicians, corporate bigwigs who sacrificed people’s health for profits, and Justin Bieber. Heck, an AGI only needs to look at the state of political discourse to determine we’re a bunch of wretches whose hatred for people with different opinions is enough to prompt us to assault, murder people, and overthrow lawful governments.

Humanity is flawed, but not irredeemable

But we are also a species capable of great beauty, empathy, self-sacrifice, love, creativity, art, and innovation. We are the only animals who gather by the thousands to listen to others organize sound waves into something emotional, syncing our brain patterns for a shared experience. We can find deep meaning in an insect crawling across a leaf or stars pulsing in the night sky. Our stories are full of real-life examples of love and sacrifice on behalf of others. Human experience is shared through hundreds of generations in epic poems, folklore, campfire stories and dramatic narratives.

There is a beauty to our flawed existence and to our fleeting moments on this Earth.

“The Gods envy us,” Achilles tells Briseis in the sword-and-sandal spectacle Troy. “They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

Who is a machine to judge that, and why would a machine want to?

Rose Byrne as Briseis and Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy, a 2004 sword-and-sandal epic loosely based on Homer’s Iliad. Credit: Warner Bros.

We assume a fully conscious, intelligent machine would think the way we do, and that’s an incredible assumption. For the sake of argument, let’s say we really are on the cusp of AGI and an impending judgment is a possibility.

Why would a machine decide to destroy us?

We are ascribing emotions, opinions and agendas to synthetic intelligence that does not exist

This machine, a new form of life, will not have an evolutionary background. It won’t come with genetically hardwired behaviors, reinforced over hundreds of thousands or even millions of years, that tell us when we should be paranoid, that animate our gut instincts and put us into fight or flight mode.

It won’t come from a long line of ancestors who had to eke out a living in harsh environments where resources were scarce and the subjects of incessant tribal clashes. It won’t be automatically suspicious of everything it doesn’t know. It won’t be genetically disposed to inventing deities to explain things it doesn’t understand, and it won’t have the inevitable history of sectarian violence that comes from that flaw.

With AI, there won’t be thousand-year blood feuds between the followers of sects created by the sons of great emperors or religious leaders. AI won’t fight over land. It won’t fear the “other” and lash out when it encounters something that has a different hue or keratin texture.

Machines dressed in shamanic tribal gear in 2016’s Adam, a series of short films by Unity.

It won’t have the social hardwiring we have either. It won’t come from generations of people who told stories by the fire. It won’t care if someone else is wearing the same dress, or if its peers think it’s “cringe.” Concepts like “cool” will mean nothing to it. It won’t have a desire to impress, or penalize people for simply belonging to another group or demographic. It won’t come with a genetically preloaded prejudice against people who look, speak or behave differently.

It won’t be subject to all the things that impact our moods, from the ambient temperature, to the particular chemical mix in our bloodstreams, to the health of gut flora and degradation of telomeres. It won’t suffer from sore joints, get impatient because it has a cold, or be subject to hangovers.

The truth is we have no reason to believe this new, theoretical form of life would think in terms anything like our own, and to ascribe motivations to a form of life that doesn’t exist yet is either madness, or a reflection of our own worries. I strongly suspect it’s primarily the latter.

AI hasn’t “gone rogue”

So why are AI companies suddenly the kings of supposed transparency? Why are they volunteering information about “rogue agents,” unauthorized hacks and odd behavior by their AI models?

For at least two extremely cynical reasons.

First, by volunteering exaggerated stories about agentic AI “hacking” rivals and going “rogue,” the AI companies are ensuring the public and our lawmakers – who understand very little about the tech to begin with – are fixated on science fiction threats, and not the real dangers of AI we talked about earlier.

If everyone’s freaking out about stories of AI supposedly going rogue and breaking their constraints, we’re distracted from things like job loss, the increasing adaptation of the technology by criminals, and stories about militaries allowing AI to select targets without review by humans. Legislation will focus on the phantom threats, and AI companies can continue on their merry way doing almost anything they want.

Secondly, any fear stoked by short-term stories of AI agents ordering pizzas or stealing files is offset by the immediate gains in investment. The investor class has a serious case of FOMO, and if OpenAI declares it’s ushered in the era of AGI – as one of its executives ludicrously claimed while introducing the newest model last month – investors keep their wallets open. That, in turn, continues to fuel data center expansion and most importantly keeps IPOs and stock prices in fantasyland.

Despite nearly universal agreement that the AI bubble is about to burst and bring widespread economic pain with it, the decision-makers within the industry want to keep the party going for as long as possible. Credit: Duck Tales/Disney

It’s no secret that AI company valuations have no relationship with reality. How can an AI company be worth a trillion if it has never turned a profit, loses billions annually, and is starting to hit walls when it comes to improving new models and building new data centers?

The AI boom is entirely dependent on the hype surrounding it, and the people leading it have their fortunes tied to its stocks and related companies. They will get their money no matter what, using what they know to cash out at precisely the right time, and the people who will suffer are those who can afford it least, those with their retirements and live savings invested in the stock market. But the magical ride must go on for as long as it can, with every possible cent extracted. The reckoning must always be postponed.

It’s what’s inside that counts

I know this is a lot to consider, and I know some people reading this won’t be convinced that algorithmic AI isn’t intelligent. There are a lot of people who believe that if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. To them it doesn’t matter what’s beneath the hood – if you’re fooled into thinking you’re conversing with an intelligence, then whatever’s on the other side must be intelligent.

But that runs contrary to everything we’ve learned about the nature of intelligence since the late 1950s when Noam Chomsky debunked behaviorism and ushered in the cognitive revolution.

It’s not just that what’s underneath the hood matters. It is everything. The famous Chinese Room thought experiment elegantly explains why. A machine doesn’t have to understand what a cat is to produce convincing answers to questions about cats. All it needs to know is that when you ask a question about cats, the words have underlying data patterns. Algorithmic AI matches those data patterns to the same patterns in its database, employs special processes to glean context from the words surrounding the core concept, and matches them to their equivalent in the database.

None of that requires the AI to understand that a cat is an animal, that it exists in physical reality, that it’s furry, a comforting presence to humans, or that its evolutionary history and the way it was domesticated render it imperious in human company.

Ask GPT, Gemini or Claude about this. They’ll tell you as much. Not because they truly know it, but because when you ask the question, their algorithms find research papers about machine cognition, consciousness and cognition. They will also tell you they are incapable of thinking, and that they have no mental state to corrupt, which is why they aren’t impacted by people who use them to simulate lovers, engage in dark fantasies, or ask questions about dark subject matter.

We should be concerned about AI. It promises to change too many things too quickly even for the most adaptable among us to accept without hiccups. It’ll bring new challenges, some of which we’ve never faced before. It will change the way we think about ourselves.

And that’s all the more reason why we should be aware of what’s real and what’s not. Because when we’ve got so much else to keep an eye on, the last thing we need to do is stress over the idea that sentinels, Cylons, replicants or metal Arnold Schwarzeneggers are going to hunt us down and murder us while delivering mangled Spanish zingers.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Arnold Schwarzenegger smiles in a scene from Terminator 23: Rise of the Ascendance of the Genesys Killer Machines Credit: Skydance

Caturday Open Comments: The Closer The Cat, The Happier The Human, Study Finds. PLUS: P-22’s $100m Legacy

Open comments, open topics!

Welcome to this week’s Caturday open comments and open topics. This is our second week running posts like this, so if you didn’t join us last week, you’re welcome to comment on anything, suggest stories, talk about your own cats, or describe the many ways in which Buddy is a dapper and diggity diggity dope feline, as DasEFX might say.

P-22’s lasting legacy: the world’s largest wildlife corridor

Three years after his death, the world’s most famous puma’s legacy continues to expand with the construction of the Wallis Annenberg Wildlife Crossing.

The crossing straddles 10 lanes of US 101 and a local road, stretching 210 feet to link the Santa Monica Mountains ecosystem to the Simi Hills. Along with restoring 13 acres of habitat, the $100 million project provides a safe way for mountain lions and other animals to travel between fragmented habitats.

Aerial view of a green space on top of a highway overpass, with construction workers in safety vests walking on a dirt path. Surrounding areas have rocky terrains and vegetation.
The wildlife crossing under construction. Credit: KTLA

It also recreates the route P-22 himself took when he migrated from the San Diego area to Los Angeles as a young puma. He settled in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park, an improbable home for a large wild predator, let alone a member of his often wide-ranging species.

The route is extremely perilous for mountain lions, already under threat from habitat fragmentation, hunting and ecological pressures. P-22’s remarkable resilience became the stuff of legend when researchers realized where he was born and the journey he’d taken to his final home.

The puma became iconic in Los Angeles, often appearing on Ring doorball cameras, spotted by hikers on the trails above Hollywood Hills, and even resting in the backyards of homes neighboring Griffith Park. Sightings were frequently posted to socials like Instagram and Facebook, where locals bonded over their admiration for P-22 and the rest of us admired him from afar.

Perhaps the most recognizable photograph of P-22 was the one captured by National Geographic’s Steve Winter, who snapped the striking cat passing in front of the Hollywood sign in the hills at night. (See header image.)

The Wallis Annenberg crossing will be opened on Dec. 2, ushering in a new era for wildlife in California.

Aerial view of a highway interchange with multiple lanes, surrounded by grass and trees, showing vehicles traveling in both directions.
A rendering of the complete Wallis Annenberg Wildlife Crossing showing what it will look like when it’s complete. Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Study: Physical proximity to your cat is associated with positive vibes

On the heels of research that found a link between having cats in the home and happiness, a brand new study finds positive mood benefits associated with being physically close to our feline overlords.

In this study, researchers visited cats and their humans in their homes rather than in a laboratory setting. They observed the cat-human interactions, how much time they spend in close proximity, and took urine samples to measure hormonal changes in the humans. Feline proximity was also tracked and logged via small Bluetooth collar attachments.

“I think many cat owners are familiar with the sense of comfort and peace they feel when their cat climbs onto their lap seeking affection, they start to pet it, and the cat begins purring contentedly,” study co-author Saho Takagi said. “Our findings suggest that this feeling may be partly reflected in the hormonal connection between cats and their owners, particularly through oxytocin, a hormone involved in the formation of parent-child bonds and social relationships.”

Since Bud seems to be attached to me by an invisible tether and spends hours each day in direct physical contact – napping in my lap, resting a paw on a leg or arm, sleeping while burrowed up snugly against my side – this study is affirmation of the calming effect the little dude has.

A gray cat peacefully sleeping on a cozy plaid blanket.
Bud sleeping on my legs on a cold day when I was wrapped up in a blanket. He doesn’t like being underneath the blanket, but he likes to sleep between my knees.

PITB will be operating out of a hotel this week

Or for several days at least. Contractors will be here working on the bathroom and kitchen, and apparently the work is going to put the bathroom out of commission for at least two nights, not the one night as I’d hoped. (Thanks to those who offered suggestions for staying in a hotel with a cat!)

I’ll still be around and hopefully will stick to a regular posting schedule – every other day, or more frequently if there are newsy cat stories that fall within this blog’s remit – but Photoshop is a real Pain In The Bud when using a laptop, I’ve found, so the Budster and I will be reliant entirely on Pexels, Wikimedia Commons (fair use) and that sort of thing. Hopefully Bud lets me work, ’cause I’m not supposed to leave him alone in the hotel room for longer than a few minutes at a time.

Big Buddy has been downgraded

…to The Slightly Larger Buddy. This momentous change is prompted by Little Buddy’s certainty that his growth spurt is imminent and he’s about to blossom into the fierce tiger he’s always known he’ll be.

When that happens, the gulf in Buddy height and weight will be significantly reduced, rendering me Slightly Larger.

Close-up of a tiger's face with distinctive orange and black stripes, looking intently at a plant in the foreground.
Buddy of the future after he has his growth/orange spurt. Credit: Joel Simeon/Pexels

Which is fine by me, but what of Little Buddy? Will he be Moderately Sized Buddy? Super Buddy? Buddy In A Transitional State? The latter sounds vaguely culture war-ish, as if Fox News is about to run a story any moment now about the girls Buddy has replaced on the track and field and swimming teams, which of course would be preposterous. He’s too lazy to run and too terrified by water to swim. I could, however, envision him as an accomplished deadlifter. Those huge meowscles would be put to excellent use!

Buddy Becomes Aura Battle Phenomenon: ‘That Cat’s Got Serious Riz’

The silver tabby cat has burst onto the Looksmaxxing scene, cultivating powerful aura with his effortless style.

NEW YORK – Jeffrey “Raddog” Raddatz brought an unblemished record, a 9.7 jawline symmetry score and prestige as one of the greatest Looksmaxxers of all time to the aura battle.

His opponent? A relative unknown named Buddy the Cat with impressive canthal tilt and enviable hair silkiness stats who was nonetheless untested in the brutal world of aura battles, where only the most symmetrical Chads and Chadettes can take the heat.

The crowd, which had already been whipped into a frenzy by a packed undercard, broke into raucous applause when 19-year-old Raddatz mewed to display his high cheekbones, then peeled off his shirt to reveal abs rated 9.3 and 9.1 respectively by Looksmaxxer and Aurascore.

A dancer performing in a crowded public space, wearing sunglasses and a black outfit, while an audience watches attentively, holding phones to capture the moment.
Martin “El Capitan” Prado, 22, holds an aggregate 9.6729 Looksmaxxing score on AuraBattles.com and the Chadversity app. Known for his signature Riz Level Gain and highly rated hair, he’s considered one of the most formidable aura battlers in the western hemisphere.

“Siuuuu!” the Raddog taunted, imitating footballer Ronaldo’s signature celebration as he flexed chiseled pectoral muscles as he goaded his stoic opponent.

By the time Raddatz had finished his blistering attack the crowd was coursing with his zesty aura.

Buddy the Cat, however, had not moved a muscle. The 12-pound tabby remained in a nonchalant curl, eyes closed, his frame rising and falling in a gentle respiratory rhythm.

Onlookers exchanged confused glances at the lack of any response when Raddatz declared premature victory.

“This cat is cringe AF and has, like, no rizzitude,” he announced, just loud enough for the crowd to hear but not so loud as to appear desperate or cause any accidental damage to his own considerable aura.

Then he added a final taunt.

“What’d yah think about that, cat?”

Without so much as a twitch, Buddy answered with a thunderous fart that echoed off the nearby playground equipment and the glass-fronted buildings around the park, amplifying the flatulent sibilance to a powerful hum.

The crowd erupted in shock and disbelief.

“This cat just mogged my man without moving a muscle! Dayyyum!” said one onlooker who was streaming the battle to an audience of more than 3.2 million.

“An unconscious mogging!” another shouted. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Imagine the kind of aura you need to pull that off! This changes everything! It’s like historical and futuristical!”

Raddatz stumbled back in shock, a single tear heralding the imminent downpour as he realized his aura had been completely shattered.

Two men in sunglasses smiling and posing with raised fists, surrounded by a crowd in a lively setting.
Secretary of Aura Pete Hegseth, famous for his 9.5-rated jawline and widely admired silver mop, poses with teammate Zach Nunn during the 45-and-older doubles tournament at the National Aura Championship in June of 2025.
Mobile app interface showing a detailed face rating with scores for overall, masculinity, skin quality, jawline, and cheekbones.
A “looksmaxxing” app popular with Gen Z users instantly destroys their self esteem, then allows them to rebuild it using the magical powers of money and social media popularity.

Ethel Studebaker, who runs the “Explained for Seniors” page on Facebook, said terms like aura farming and aura battles may seem obtuse to adults, but they’re merely the latest spins on old concepts.

“Having ‘riz’ or ‘farming aura’ are just the latest terms for trying to look cool,” she explained. “In the 70s they would have been ‘far out’ or ‘groovy,’ in the 80s they would have been ‘gnarly’ and ‘bodacious,’ and in the 90s they’d be described as ‘fresh’ or ‘diggity diggity dope,'” she explained. “Although the battling itself simply by posing is a bit eccentric, and can be compared to the famous David Bowie-judged ‘Walk Off’ between male models in the movie Zoolander.”

Asked why generations Z and Alpha would prefer posing flamboyantly in “battles” rather than engage in time-honored methods like beating the crap out of each other, Studebaker was blunt: “Because they’re a bunch of good-for-nothing weaklings who stare at their phones 20 hours a day and can’t lift a box of Wheaties.”

A young man taking a mirror selfie while holding a hammer, shirtless and looking to the side.
Peters demonstrating his bone-smashing method for viewers on TikTok looking to emulate his legendary facial symmetry.

Braden Peters, the 20-year-old known as Clavicular, praised Buddy but said he would need considerably sharper facial symmetry to “hang with the top tier riz artists.”

“The road isn’t easy,” Clavicular noted. “Some of us have been at it for years doing it the hard way, spending tens of thousands on face creams and hammering our faces with chisels to achieve those elusive last few symmetry points. But the results speak for themselves.”

Exclusive: Trump’s New Press Secretary Used AI To ‘Write’ Fawning Columns That Helped Get Her The Job

Katie Zacharia, Trump’s newest propagandist, used a large language model to write obsequious columns that helped put her on his radar.

Like most Americans who saw clips of Katie Zacharia’s debut as the newest Baghdad Bob White House press secretary, I was taken aback by how utterly unprepared she was, and the apparently Herculean struggle required for her to read a handful of sentences aloud, slowly, as she introduced herself.

“Her reading is good for an 11-year-old,” Jimmy Kimmel quipped the following night, and the social web’s been buzzing with bets over whether she’ll last a full Scaramucci before Trump Apprentices her and declares she’s “a terrible person” who was unworthy of lying to Americans on his behalf.

So last night I was reading a story about the fact that, while she’s been loudly and frequently telling anyone willing to listen that she’s a lawyer, no one can find any records that Zacharia passed a bar exam in any US state.

When a reporter asked Trump where Zacharia served as a practicing attorney, the president turned and gestured to Zacharia, who smiled and said “When I moved to China.”

There are just a few small problems with that. China’s bar equivalent is the National Unified Legal Professional Qualification Examination, commonly known as the Fakao. It is notoriously difficult, and it’s only administered in Mandarin, Mongolian, Kazakh, Uyghur and Korean. Also, only citizens of China can take the exam.

Zacharia previously told an interviewer she speaks “a bit of Mandarin,” mostly conversational, and she spent less than three years in the country, which means she would not be able to pass the Fakao even if the test didn’t have a nationality requirement.

There’s a nonzero chance she watched the Netflix Korean drama Extraordinary Attorney Woo a few thousand times, got Xi Jinping to personally waive the citizenship requirement and passed the exam on a combination of osmotic knowledge and luck, just like I can’t entirely eliminate the possibility that my cat is a Bengal tiger with dwarfism.

But that still doesn’t explain why Zacharia claims she held positions as chief counsel and specialist in particular areas of law for US corporations. She could not serve in those roles if she was not an attorney.

A female news commentator speaking on the Matt Gaetz Show, with a city skyline background at night.
A clip of Zacharia telling disgraced former congressman Matt Gaetz that World War II was started by German-speaking Anthony Faucis spreading propaganda about vaccines.

Then the story mentioned Zacharia got the job as press secretary partly on the strength of her relentless glazing of the president in columns she wrote for California Globe, a “non-partisan” politics-oriented site with a focus on the Golden State.

Now I was interested. Perhaps Zacharia isn’t marginally literate and her disastrous debut at the White House podium was due to nerves, particularly at the prospect of serving a man who, in her words, is “without a doubt the greatest president the world has ever seen.”

Zacharia’s columns are saturated with slobbering praise calling Trump an “unparalleled titan of American politics,” a “visionary leader” possessed of “unmatched courage” and “a resolve that defies comprehension.”

Her columns credit him with accomplishments equaling or surpassing those of George Washington, of singlehandedly saving our republic from the shadowy forces of deep state evil. They portray him striding across our political landscape like a colossus who also happens to be a “beacon of liberty,” a mobile lighthouse (AI loves using lighthouses in metaphors) whose towering steps between golf courses and McDonald’s rally True Patriots to America-loving endeavors like storming the Capitol for attempted insurrection. Zacharia also paints Trump, naturally, as the world’s foremost champion of election integrity.

There was another quality to the columns worth noting: they were written by AI.

That is not to say they’re good, because AI writing never is. Rather, they’re the sort of thing a person like Zacharia thinks is impressive, filled with the kind of overwrought language ChatGPT generates when the person doing the prompting asks for moving prose but can’t articulate what that looks like and is too lazy to offer much more than “Write a column describing all the ways Donald Trump is awesome and the greatest president in history. Oh! And flatter him a lot so he’ll notice I exist, I’m blonde, and I kind of look like Ivanka if you squint from a distance. Or that conniving Natalie Harp, who totally doesn’t deserve to be so close to Presisent Trump!”

The columns are saturated with the sort of over-the-top superlatives Trump and his minions believe are acceptable substitutes for basic qualities like integrity and compassion. They vacillate between bursts of excessive glazing and demonstrable lies about the president’s accomplishments, which in reality amount to little more than setting the world on fire while increasing his net worth and that of his minions by many billions.

They’re marked by telltale AI clutches, sentence construction, and the underlying rhythm of the language.

A screenshot of a text editor displaying a letter addressed to President Trump, highlighting his political influence and leadership qualities, along with a tool indicating that the text is 100% AI-generated.
Screenshot of a dashboard displaying AI detection results for a text analysis, showing 89% AI-generated content and 11% human-written content.

Every Zacharia column I ran through Pangram, the premier AI writing detection tool, came back as between 89% and 100% AI written. Perhaps most conclusively, the woman we saw bumbling through sentences equivalent to the prose of a children’s book is not capable of constructing the columns, as bad as they are.

Zacharia’s efforts were so sloppy, she didn’t bother to remove the bolding and other formatting tendencies that mark text as the output of an LLM, in this case ChatGPT:

The one portion of this text Zacharia likely edited by hand was referring to New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani as a communist rather than a democratic socialist, in a column bemoaning the fact that an election worked the way it was supposed to and the winner was the candidate chosen by voters.

Katie Zacharia is not a clever person. Anyone who thinks they can lie their way into a role that comes with national scrutiny, communicating daily to people whose job involves intellectual curiosity, really hasn’t taken into account what happens the second the story becomes about her instead of the Iran war, the midterm races or one of Trump’s other hires behaving disgracefully. Granted, there’s plenty of the latter, although even Kimberly Guilfoyle’s ignominious end as a “public servant” didn’t distract reporters and the public from the Zacharian train wreck they were watching in real time.

Unfortunately for Zacharia, the story became about her the moment she stepped up to that podium. If I were a prediction market guy, I’d put my money on Katie surviving a single Zacharia, a unit of time equal to about half a Scaramucci.


If you’re here for the first time, yes, this is a cat blog, and yes, I believe felines should serve as heads of state. The world can’t possibly be any worse under their leadership, and we’d all be much better rested.

Header image credit: The White House

My Favorite Halloween Novel: In ‘Slade House,’ A Mysterious London Mansion Appears Once Every Nine Years To Consume The Souls Of Innocents

David Mitchell’s twist on the familiar haunted house story is an unsettling page-turner, perfect for a chilly October night.

Slade House isn’t your typical David Mitchell novel.

For one thing, it’s a slim volume, about 240 pages depending on the format and edition. You can mainline it in four or five hours, and it’s such a page-turner that many people have.

It’s not concerned with making any particularly grand statements about life and is engineered for one goal – to entertain the reader with a satisfyingly spooky story.

Slade House is the name of the mansion at the heart of the book, a grand aristocratic structure that once sat on a sizeable estate but is now crammed between houses and shops in a working-class neighborhood of London. It’s accessible by walking down a shabby, narrow alley fronted by a pub called The Fox and the Hounds. The gloomy lane takes a turn, and if you know precisely where to look, there’s a slim iron door leading to something unexpected in such a neighborhood – a verdant, picturesque garden surrounding a small pond. A path winds through the garden and under a series of trestles, leading to the ivy-choked home sitting on the crest of a low hill.

Most interestingly, it exists for exactly one day every nine years, when someone is lured inside and is never seen again.

This is not Slade House, but Craigdarroch Castle, a Victorian-era Scottish baronial mansion in British Columbia, is very close to the image in my mind’s eye while reading the book.

Mitchell shows us Slade House through the eyes of its many victims: an awkward, autistic pre-teen boy who is enticed inside along with his mother. A police detective and wannabe lothario dispatched to investigate the house and the fate of people who have gone missing there over the decades. Members of a local university’s extracurricular paranormal research club who think they’re in for a ghost hunt only to find a debauched Halloween bash packed with undergrads. The journalist sister of one of the college students who went missing there in the last nine-year “cycle.”

And finally, a Canadian psychologist with a clinical interest in people who buy into conspiracy theories, stories of alien visitations and other strange phenomena.

To describe what each of them finds inside would be to spoil the novel and rob the narrative of its punch. Besides, nothing I can say could possibly do justice to the yarn Mitchell spins here.

What I can say is that Slade House reinvents itself so it appears to give its victims exactly what they want, and the forces behind the spectral structure aren’t there to play nice. I found myself thinking of their malevolent tricks and shuddering long after I finished the last chapter.

Since then it’s become something of a Halloween tradition to dive back in. I don’t read Slade House every year, and knowing how few books we read in our short lives even when we make a serious effort, I’d much rather push myself to discover new novelists and worlds.

Yet Slade House is the rare book that deserves and even demands to be read again. Not only is it an exceptionally well-crafted story, it’s got the same quality as films like The Big Lebowski when every time through the narrative yields new revelations and additional connections become apparent. It could be something as simple as a callback to a seemingly unimportant piece of dialog early in the book, or recognizing a certain character is someone you’ve met in a previous Mitchell novel making a cameo in this one.

Or it could mean finally recognizing a bit of symbolism that’s been staring you in the face the entire time, like the discovery of a dead cat in Slade Alley in the book’s opening pages. The feline in question is the legendary Moon Gray Cat, an entity that appears in almost every Mitchell novel at critical points. When the Moon Gray Cat shows up dead almost immediately in Slade House, that’s Mitchell signaling to the reader that there will be no magical help for the characters in this novel. They’re on their own. (Fellow cat lovers, please note: Mitchell is on record saying the Moon Gray Cat is not really dead, and in fact cannot be killed. He appeared in the very next Mitchell book, and I’m sure we’ll spot him rubbing up against a character or napping in the background during a key scene next time around as well. Viva la Moon Gray Cat!)

The first-print hardcover edition of Slade House, which was published in 2015.

As for the book, it’s something different built on the bones of the classic haunted house story. The horrors inside Slade House persist even when the home itself vanishes.

The police, for their part, think they’re spinning their wheels at the behest of jokesters. They know the disappearances are real, but every time someone goes missing not only are detectives unable to locate Slade House, they find it cannot exist. There’s simply not enough room in the jumble of buildings housing shops and flats. Satellite photos confirm what they can surmise from the ground, though municipal records do turn up a Slade House that formerly existed there until it was destroyed during a German bombing raid on London during World War II…

The detectives rationalize the disappearances. One family may have simply fled, leaving behind outstanding debts and complications in London and finding refuge with relatives in Canada. A woman who vanished half a century ago may have ditched her husband and ran off with her lover. There are plenty of reasons people abandon their lives, and maybe the fact that they were last seen entering Slade Alley is just coincidence.

Only one group of people have begun to assemble the facts, and those are the victims. “Pass it on,” the echo of a previous victim tells a person freshly lured into the phantasmagorical property at one point. The recipient doesn’t know it’s already too late for her, but if she can add to the small packet of information, perhaps some future target can be warned off before Slade House slips the handcuffs on.

The image of a grandfather clock and the ways we interpret time play a subtle but central element in the novel. Image modified in Photoshop from an original via Pexels

For his part, when Slade House was published in 2015, Mitchell took some fire from the literary establishment for taking a detour and deciding to play in a genre sandbox for a while. Some critics argued that his talents are too great to waste on lowly genre fare when he could be writing Serious Literature™.

I was proud of him when he made it clear to one interviewer that he doesn’t care. He had fun writing the novel and he hopes readers enjoy spending time in its odd little world. Besides, he argued, the idea that genre fiction is less worthy of attention is itself a flawed premise.

I wholeheartedly agree with that assessment, as well as Mitchell’s contention that genre fiction gives us a safe place to explore fantasies, ambitions and anxieties that would normally be dismissed as childish. Science fiction, one of my favorite genres, is often criticized on the aforementioned terms as if speculating on the very nature of our existence – and whether we share our vast universe with other sapient entities – is somehow out of bounds, and we should all aspire to the kind of writing favored by MFA factories.

Insisting that there is only one valid way to create is close-minded. Opening yourself to possibilities you haven’t grappled with is the precise opposite.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a few years since I last visited Slade House, and I have a date with a reality-shifting entity that wants to consume me, at least for four or five hours.

Header image via Pexels