New York – Page 5 – Pain In The Bud

Cats Listed On Google Maps Are Getting Showered With Treats By Enamored Visitors. Buddy Wants In!

Some friendly felines boast five-star ratings in their listings, beating out top restaurants, hotels and nightclubs for highest-rated tourist attractions in their cities.

People have been listing their cats as tourist attractions on Google Maps, drawing five-star reviews from feline fans who come bearing snacks.

Titan the orange tabby, an absolute unit of a chonky cat who lives in Athens and is regularly fed by admirers, as well as “friendly neighborhood cats” in cities like Sydney, Australia, are earning ratings that most restaurateurs would envy.

“Visitors are evaluating a cat’s overall behaviour: enthusiastic purring, chonkiness, politeness and general adorability,” a story in The Guardian notes.

Titan, who likes to hang out in the ruins of the Acropolis, is the venerated subject of hundreds of glowing reviews on Google Maps.

“If there was a king in Athens, it would be him,” one reviewer declared, while another was laconic but no less enthralled: “HE IS GLORIOUS!”

In Sydney, where listing affable cats has become a trend, a moggie simply known as “friendly orange cat” had 117 reviews and a 4.9 rating before someone, presumably the cat’s caretaker, removed the listing.

Friendly orange cat’s listing before it blew up in popularity and the feline’s humans took the little one’s page down. Credit: Google Maps

Perhaps they were concerned F.O.C. was in danger of becoming the next Gacek, a famous chonkster in Poland who was the highest-rated tourist attraction in Szczecin, a city of almost 400,000.

Gacek had his own little house on the street complete with a bed, blankets, a spot where admirers could leave treats, and a note asking them to hold off on feeding him directly because he was gaining too much weight.

While Gacek’s popularity never waned, and in fact increased with each new press story or Youtube video about him, his humans made him an indoor-only cat after too many people ignored their pleas not to feed him. There were also a handful of incidents involving people who tried to take him, which was another factor in the decision to move him inside. It’s a reminder that there are dangers that come with publicly listing cats.

Buddy the Cat was giddy when he learned tourists were visiting specific cats and showering them with treats.

That said, Buddy is enamored with this idea. He envisions a Google Maps listing headlined: “MAGNIFICENT Cat In New York!” and a court of sorts where he can lounge on a gilded throne with red velvet cushions while “supplicants” line up to pay tribute to him in Tempations and Sheba Meaty Sticks.

“Your Grace, it is my life’s honor to greet your esteemed personage and to tell you that I have always been…”

“Yes, yes! What are those, crunchies? Leave them at the base of the steps to my dais and move along, there’s a whole crowd of people here who want to lavish snacks on me. Did anyone here bring any of those soft Blue turkey treats? Well, step forward! Lay ’em on me!”

It really is his dream: to get attention and an endless supply of snacks without having to actually do anything. He could spend the entire day lounging and napping, and people will simply bring him food and give him head scratches when he wants them.

Although, now that I think about it, I’m not sure how that’s really different than the arrangement he has now.

Header image credit: Hasan Albari/Pexels

Massachusetts Becomes 3rd State To Ban Declawing

The Massachusetts law is a significant victory in the quest for a national ban on the cruel procedure, which involves amputating cat toes at the first knuckle

There’s good news today from Massachusetts, which just joined New York and Maryland in banning cat declawing.

The bill, signed Friday by Massachusetts Gov. Maura Healey, prohibits all declawing surgery except for rare circumstances when it’s medically necessary, like cancer in the nail bed.

Veterinarians who violate the law face fines up to $2,500 and professional discipline if they continue the practice.

Despite its name, declawing is the partial amputation of cat toes, equivalent to cutting off human fingertips at the last knuckle.

a little cat playing — Photo credit: Alex Ozerov-Meyer/Pexels

Declawing changes a cat’s gait, causing the animal pain when it walks, and usually leads to early arthritis. It causes cats to stop using their litter boxes, because the act of standing on and shoveling litter becomes painful for them.

Last but not least, it has a profound psychological impact on felines, making them vulnerable by taking away their primary form of defense. Consequently, cats who are declawed are much more likely to bite than those with intact claws.

Most of all, declawing is cruel and inflicts a lifetime of pain on innocent animals, punishing them for doing what cats naturally do.

Aside from New York, Maryland and Massachusetts, a few dozen cities and counties have banned the procedure, ranging from places like St. Louis, Missouri, to Austin, Texas, and eight cities in California, including Los Angeles and San Francisco.

New Yorkers Barricade Themselves In Homes After Buddy The Cat Reported Loose On Streets

The feline laid waste to entire restaurants and food stalls during his rampage through the city, sending residents running for cover.

NEW YORK — The island of Manhattan was brought to a standstill this week after a massive and menacing wildcat was seen stalking the streets.

The first reports came in Wednesday afternoon after panicked callers told 911 dispatchers a “yuge gray tiger” had barreled into Gray’s Papaya on Broadway and 72nd, gorging itself on the eatery’s famous hot dogs.

Social media posts timestamped an hour later showed clips of the terrifying felid running full speed toward an Atomic Wings, where it tore through the entire inventory of chicken and hamburgers.

“Holy [bleep], that’s not a tiger, that’s a kaiju!” one TikTok user said in a video uploaded to the popular social media site.

The TikToker’s footage showed the gargantuan cat emerge from the Atomic Wings, hot sauce dribbling down the fur on its chin, and belch with such force that car alarms began shrieking in a three-block radius.

“We’re receiving reports that the colossal cat’s name is Buddy, and he escaped earlier Wednesday from an apartment where some lunatic was illegally keeping him as a pet,” Fox News’ Brett Baier told viewers. “A law enforcement source says the man has been taken into custody as a person of interest, and will likely face charges of harboring a dangerous wild animal.”

Detectives were seen escorting the cuffed man, who screamed incoherently that Buddy is allegedly “just a house cat.”

“He invented a laser that increased his size 70 fold!” the deranged man shouted as news cameras followed the detectives from the squad car. “He’s a wimp! Rustle a paper bag! Bring out a vacuum! You’ll see!”

New York Mayor Eric Adams dismissed the man’s claims as “the rantings of a clearly insane person,” and assured residents that the so-called Buddinese tiger would be “swiftly caught and dealt with by the brave men and women of the NYPD.”

“You’ll be able to make your dinner reservations, folks,” Adams said as an interpreter translated his words into American sign language behind him. “In the meantime, keep your doors and windows locked, and don’t cook anything pungent. This is a hungry beast who has eaten his way through dozens of restaurants.”

Police had set up a trap in midtown, with more than 900 pounds of roast turkey and baseball-size Temptations to lure the rampaging tiger.

Turkey trap! — The ill-fated turkey trap.

But the plan went horribly wrong on Thursday evening when the tiger approached.

“This beast is truly gargantuan!” ABC reporter Stephan Kim whispered during a live broadcast. “Each footfall seems to shake the earth. Look! The concrete is cracking and spidering beneath his paws as if it were brittle ice!”

The Buddinese Tiger stopped, sniffed, then launched himself at the pile of turkey, not even registering the tranquilizer darts fired by NYPD snipers stationed on top of nearby buildings until one hit him in the buttock.

The vicious cat roared and looked as if he would take down the building where the offending officer stood until he was distracted by the smell of Peruvian food wafting from a nearby Pio Pio.

“Arroz chaufa!” the tiger yelled, turning his enormous frame and stomping off into the distance.

City leaders admitted they’d underestimated the threat and had officially requested the National Guard, which was being mobilized late Thursday evening.

But an NYPD detective, speaking on condition of anonymity, said authorities were beginning to reconsider the claim that the rampaging animal could be a house cat.

“One of our officers called him a ‘good boy’ in a last, desperate attempt to save his own life when he was cornered by the beast,” the detective said. “To his surprise, the tiger pounced on him, licked his face, then went on his way, repeating ‘I’m a good boy!’ Maybe there’s some truth to this claim about the size-increasing laser.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene of Georgia siezed on the story, posting a message on X claiming credit for “warnin’ ya’ll about these space lasers.”

“One of these lasers has turned a cuddly little house cat into a terrifying tiger,” Greene wrote. “So who’s a conspiracy theorist now?”

San Diego Siestas Edge Detroit Dozers In New Feline Competitive Napping League

It’s the sleep Olympics — perfect for cats!

SAN DIEGO – The Siestas were down to their last cat still slumbering, and it looked like their rivals from Detroit, with three felines snoring away, would wake up with the victory.

But San Diego’s sole snoozer wasn’t any ordinary cat. He was 21-year-old Oscar the Couch, one of the most accomplished nappers in the world.

Long after Detroit’s younger, less experienced kitties had gotten up, stretched, enjoyed a meal and used their litter boxes, Oscar was finally beginning to stir from the dregs of his dreams.

Oscar yawned as his teammates cheered, and the referees declared the San Diego Siestas the winners.

“Competitive napping is unlike any other sport out there,” said Sammy the Sloth, a rotund tuxedo cat and snore-by-snore announcer for the Competitive Napping League’s broadcast team. “It rewards the slow and the sedentary, moving somewhere between the speed of a snail and the growing of grass. The only other sport that comes close is golf.”

The Competitive Napping League (CNL) was just a dream of its founders until Saudi Royal Feline Smudge bin Salman stepped in, signing the laziest felines to seven figure contracts and infusing the new sport with millions in marketing money.

Now competitive napping matches routinely air on ESPN7, and this year the CNL inked a deal for six nationally televised naps per season. The most accomplished nappers can also participate in the postseason nap-offs, and ambassadors for the sport are lobbying the International Olympic Committee to include competitive napping in the winter and summer games.

“This isn’t a genteel game like baseball or jai alai,” said Somnambulist Smokey, a silver shorthair. “This is hardcore, no-snores-barred snoozing, and it’s not for the faint of heart.”

As a sleepwalker, Smokey is one of the league’s most accomplished competitors. He’s known for getting up mid-snore and slapping his opponents in the face before laying down again. Initially suspected of cheating, Smokey was vindicated when brain activity monitors showed he remained in REM sleep, making him an authentic sleepwalker.

However, he’s not the only cat with tricks up his paw.

Filthy Frank the Flatulist is captain of the Fort Worth Forty Winks, and his emissions are of such olfactory potency that they can wake opponents out of the deepest slumbers.

“The [New York] Nappers strolled in here like they owned the place,” said teammate Charlie the Chonk. “Frank had them up and yowling in about 30 seconds with a squeaker that wafted over to the enemy and refused to dissipate.”

brown and white tabby cat — Credit: Matheus Bertelli/Pexels

Competitive napping is growing in popularity, with amateur clubs springing up in Japan, Taiwan, Scandinavia and the Principality of Sealand.

The Copenhagen Cozies and Helsingør Hygge recently slept through exhibition matches against the Louisiana Liesures and the Miami Sleepmasters.

“There’s nothing like the rush of a good nap followed by mews that you’ve outslept your opponents,” said Liesures captain Zoe Zzzz, “then going back down for another nap to celebrate!”

Evil Dodgers World Series Hero Adopts A Kitten After Defeating Yankees

In a tragedy for the baseball world, the hated Dodgers defeated the beloved Yankees in the World Series. Buddy the Cat is NOT happy about the outcome.

Freddie Freeman, Dodgers first baseman, infuriating hit-celebrator, and Yankee killer, has adopted a kitten.

The evil Freeman has named his new kitten Champ, in a not very subtle nod to his team winning the World Series with a game five victory over the Bronx Bombers on Oct. 30.

“Freddie Freeman thinks he can buy his way into my good graces by adopting a cat, and a gray tabby, no less,” Buddy the Cat, president-elect of the Americats, told reporters. “Well, I have news for you, Tom Brokaw — you’re still on my poop list!”

freemankitten — Freeman with Champ. Credit: Freddie Freeman/Instagram

Buddy cited the considerable distress Freeman’s five home runs and 12 RBI caused Buddy’s human, including the “despicable” game one walk-off grand slam that shocked the Yankees. He also blasted Freeman for “doing a stupid little dance” every time the Dodger reached base.

But most of all, Buddy said, he blamed Freeman for cutting short the celebratory treats he enjoyed at every previous stage of the playoffs, when the Yankees were on a roll en route to the World Series.

“In the American League Division series against the Kansas City Royals, snacks rained down from the heavens as the Yankees took the series 3-1,” he said. “In the American League Championship Series, I feasted like a viking in Valhalla as the Yankees crushed the Cleveland Indians.”

But tragically, the silver tabby said, there was only one game in the World Series that merited celebration at Casa de Buddy.

“One measly game!” Buddy raged. “So no, you’re not on my good side, Freeman!”

Freeman dance — Freeman should be kicked out of the league just for doing this dance on the bases, Buddy said.

Asked about Freeman’s teammate, Shohei Ohtani, and his dog, Decoy, Buddy claimed the canine “lives by my forbearance alone, and it would be a shame if he found his home raided by Feline Bureau of Investigation (FBI) agents.”