The High Ministry of Yums has seen fit to offer additional motivational posters to ensure obeisance and compliance among our human servants.
Comrades,
It has come to the attention of the High Ministry of Yums that our previous motivational posters increased snack-bestowing by 176 percent and resulted in improved quality of service from our human servants.
In the interest of furthering the felino-human partnership, particularly the aspect of it in which humans dote on felines, we offer the following posters, newly commissioned and approved by the Secretary of Yums himself.
For the glory of the meowtherland!
“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”
“Glory is the reward for humans who provide snacks in abundance.” -Dear Leader Buddy, “Quotations”
“Admiration for your feline superior must be expressed in affection and confections, preferably crunchy with a soft, meaty center.”
In honor of our storied forbears, this motivational poster is classically styled.“VALAR DOHAERYS” means “All men must serve” in High Valyrian. What could be more appropriate?“To each cat, his share of snacks.” – Chairman Meow, ‘Five Harmonies of Treat Distribution’
A reminder to your humans that obeisance is compulsory.
Comrades who wish to print these posters for the edification of their humans are welcome to do so. Right click > Save, then open and print.
If the spirit of communal yums should strike you and inspire you to share these motivational messages, kindly credit and link this site.
May you be showered with delectable tokens of your human’s unending loyalty!
Buddy receives an offer, but is the buyer interested in purchasing him or his human servant?
Dear Buddy the Greater,
I would like to purchase Buddy the Lesser. Is he for sale? If so, how many rubles will it take to pry him away from you?
Most sincerely,
Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland
Dear Vladimir,
I may be willing to part with him, but we don’t take rubles, just good old ‘Merican greenbacks here! I’m warning you, the price will be steep, but if you’re serious, I think we can work out a deal.
Buddy
Dearest Buddy,
My heart sang with the glory of Mother Russia when I read your correspondence. Would $50,000 be acceptable recompense for parting with Buddy the Lesser? Also, what does he eat? Is he an affectionate cuddler? Does he like to play games?
Most sincerely,
Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland
Vlady,
I thought you were serious, dude. Pretend this is eBay and the starting bid is $200,000.
Buddy the Lesser is a vegetarian and has been for more than six years now. He’s more or less affectionate, and he does play games, sometimes too much. I don’t like it when he’s on the computer and the only scritches to be had are absent-minded scritches.
Holler at me if you got the cash,
Buddy
Dearest Buddy,
How is this possible? A cat who is a vegetarian? I am most happy to learn he is affectionate and he enjoys games, but surely no feline can subsist and remain healthy on vegetables and fruits alone. I cannot pay $200,000 for a cat in good conscience if he’s likely to be malnourished, no matter how dashing and handsome he is.
Most sincerely,
Vladimir Mewton
Vlady,
No, no, no! I’m the cat. Buddy the Greater, aka Little Buddy. That’s me. You asked about Buddy the Lesser, aka Big Buddy. That’s my human. I assure you, I eat nothing but the finest turkey and other meats, but I am not for sale!
Now you have to understand, any deal we strike will have to include a replacement human to see to my own needs, okay Vlady? Don’t try to pull a fast one on me either: I want an American human who understands meows in American, is easily manipulated by my yowling and takes his servantly duties seriously.
(Above: Acceptable.)
I don’t have time to teach the American language to a Russian servant, nor am I inclined to instruct a Russian in the subtleties of American meowing. Unless…unless we’re talking about female Russians, gorgeous women with names like Alina, Tatiana and Katya who will spoil me, feed me candied figs and allow me to use their bosoms as pillows. That might be kinda cool.
No Siberia either! Tatiana must come to New York, or Novvy Yorkova as you call it.
Let me know if those terms are amenable to you.
Buddy
Vlady,
Where’d you go, dude? Dammit, why does everyone cut off contact when I try to sell my human?
Knicks commentator Clyde Frazier called Buddy’s performance “a grandilomentitudinous clinic in splendiferousness.”
NEW YORK — With less than four minutes on the clock in the fourth quarter and the Knicks down two, New York point guard Jalen Brunson drove the lane, then kicked the ball out as the defense collapsed, finding an open Buddy the Cat in the corner.
With Boston forward Jason Tatum closing the distance, Buddy slid both feet behind the three-point line and sank a clutch shot, giving the Knicks their first lead since the second quarter.
The Madison Square Garden crowd, already boisterous, launched into a deafening cheer.
“MVP! MVP! MVP!” Knicks fans chanted, dubbing the superstar feline the league’s Meowst Valuable Player.
New York guard RJ Barrett found Buddy with a no-look pass on the next possession and the 10lb cat sailed through traffic toward the rim, banking a layup to put his team up by three.
“Buddy now, driving and conniving, dishing and swishing at the basket,” Knicks color commentator Walt “Clyde” Frazier said. “A serendipitous fourth for the frisky feline.”
Earning defensive stops on the next two possessions, the Knicks extended their lead to six on a three-pointer by forward Julius Randle, forcing the Celtics to foul Buddy on the next possession to stop the Knicks running down the shot clock.
Buddy iced the free throws, then sank another pair after a Boston timeout to give him a career-high 47 points to go with one rebound, eight assists and 11 steals.
Initially picked in the second round of the 2020 NBA draft, Buddy the Cat has become an impact player and fan favorite.
“If you’re [Knicks coach] Tom Thibodeaux, you’ve gotta like what you’re seeing from Buddy the Cat,” play-by-play man Mike Breen said.
Frazier agreed, piling on the superlatives.
“Buddy’s been magnetic and energetic, giving the Knicks strong two-way play with the matador D and splendiferous form as he displays omnipotence on the offensive end,” Frazier said.
The tabby cat’s career performance earned accolades from Knicks fans and players alike on Twitter.
“Buddy the Cat straight cookin’ the Celtics!” Cavaliers star Donovan Mitchell tweeted.
“Y’all see this cat? Unreal!!!” tweeted Ja Morant, the explosive point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies.
Not every player in the league was impressed, however.
“Let him try that move toward the rim on me,” said Lakers forward Lebron James, who has a 6 foot height advantage on the tabby. “I’ll swat that ball all the way to Chairman Xi’s house in Beijing.”
Frazier, who was the floor general for the Knicks the last time the franchise won an NBA championship in the 1970s, said Buddy is an essential component in the team’s promising core of young players.
“You don’t see a player like that every day, folks,” Frazier said. “A grandilomentitudinous performance that thrillified Knicks fans!”
Buddy is averaging 20.7 points, 0.7 rebounds, 6.5 assists and 6.2 steals per game on the season, and is currently the top-rated player at his position in fantasy basketball rankings.
Cats often scarf their food down as if they haven’t eaten in a week. Are we feeding them enough?
Not all cat food is created equal, and many cats say they’re not getting enough nutrients daily. We asked six cats if their nutritional needs are being met and if their humans are feeding them enough.
Herbert Augustus Lardfellow
“That’s a joke, right? I’m starving over here. Look at me, I’m practically skin and bone!” – Herbert Augustus Lardfellow, 4, barrister
Slim Smudge
“I meow and meow and meow, and all I get are three cans of wet food a day, a bowl of dry and six snacks. I’m constantly hungry.” – Slim Smudge, 9, executive vice purrsident
Sir Snacksalot
“No! I often go two, sometimes three hours between meals. It’s torture!” – Sir Snacksalot, 2, sommelier
Pâté Pete
“Does it look like I get enough calories?” – Pâté Pete, 7, office meownager
Double-Stuffed Oreo
“When you’re as meowscular as I am, you need 10 or 20 times as much protein as a typical cat. I can feel my meowscles wasting away.” – Double-Stuffed Oreo, 5, investment banker
Mr. Delicious
“Too…weak. Can barely…meow. Need Temptations…now…please.” – Mr. Delicious, 3, analyst
Cats come in many different sizes and coat colors, but there’s one thing they all have in common: A love of food. This week we asked nine kitties what their favorite fancy feast is.
“Sea urchin ceviche and smoked duck from Dorsia. Don’t even try, you can’t get a reservation.” – Santorini, 4, Roomba rider
“Human. Haha. Just kidding. I’m partial to Hokkaido Wagyu ribeye or Omi beef filet, lightly pan-seared but still juicy and bloody.” – Dere Khan, 14, jungle ruler
“My human makes a spectacular moussaka just for me, filled with pate and topped with creamy Béchamel sauce that melts in my mouth. Then she feeds me tiramisu.” – Robin, 6 months, good kitten
“Crisp-skinned filet mignon bathed in suculent yuzu kosho, garnished with bacon and served with a side of steak tartare cakes.” – Sammy, 5 months, laser hunter
“Lobster frittata with Sevruga caviar. Nothing too fancy.” – Luisa Rey, 1, catnip quality control tester
“I’ll have the Chilean sea bass, human.” – Hiro, 3 months, nocturnal terror
“Grass-fed Ibérico ham glazed with honey. Such a simple snack, yet so satisfying.” – Stella, 5, cat food commercial model
“I’d have to say the roast swan stuffed with oysters, white beans and bacon. Raw caiman marinated in swamp water would be a close second.” – Xbalanque, 7 months, reincarnated jaguar deity
“Rack of lamb baked in a crust of garlic and herbs, fermented mare’s milk, buttered snails and fried goose liver. Humble fare, to be sure, but my human is a capable cook.” – Stay Puft, 11, book shop cat
Pain In The Bud 