fake news – Page 13 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy The Cat ‘Too Busy’ To Accept Challenge From Feline MMA Phenom

Buddy says he would totally fight Sphynxie if he could fit the bout into his schedule, obviously.

Saying he couldn’t find a way to squeeze it into his schedule over the next year, Buddy the Cat declined a challenge to step into the cage with one of feline MMA’s brightest young stars.

The challenge came courtesy of Sphynxie the Smasher, a four-year-old hairless cat from San Jose, California. The skilled cat uploaded a video in which he pumped iron and ridiculed Buddy for his “completely delusional claim that he’s a badass” and his “hilarious talk about having huge muscles.”

“This is what huge meowscles look like,” Sphynxie said, curling a meaty forearm and flexing his bicep. “Not the flab of some chubby tabby hoping we won’t notice how many snacks he devours.”

Sphynxie challenged Buddy to a cage match “any time, any place” and said he’d even tie one paw behind his back “to make it even with the chonkster.”

Buddy issued a response on Twitter.

“First of all I’m not chubby, so that’s fake news!” Buddy wrote. “I’m 100% pure lean, mean badass.”

“Secondly, I’d be honored to step into the cage with Sphynxie and teach him a lesson that he’ll remember long after the real Sphinx is weathered to dust,” he continued. “Unfortunately my meownager says I can’t squeeze it into my schedule. I’m shooting my new movie, Fowl Play, through mid March, and then I’m going on tour to promote my next album. In between that stuff I really need to nap when I can, get some laser pointer work in, and catch up on eating turkey. Sphynxie should count himself lucky, because he dodged a bullet!”

The viral hashtags #BuddyDucksFights, #BuddyIsADuck and #ScaredBuddy were trending late Sunday night, prompting a long list of others to challenge the gray tabby to elicit increasingly ridiculous excuses from him.

One of them, a challenge from a five-month-old Russian named Oreonov the Putinizer, accumulated more than 20,000 likes in just a few hours.

“I am kitten. He is full grown cat, yet he won’t step into cage with me,” Oreonov wrote. “He knows I crush him for the glory of motherland.”

10 Signs From Your Cat You’ve Misinterpreted As Love

Buddy the Cat clears up common misconceptions people have about cats expressing affection for their loyal human servants.

The internet is awash with listicles claiming your cats love you, insisting you’ll know for sure once you’re able to recognize the signs.

Well we’re here to tell you that love is a strong word, and if you’re lucky your cat merely acknowledges your existence, human. Here are the 10 feline behaviors most commonly mistaken for love:

Grooming: “Grooming means one thing, and one thing only: We think you’re gross and you need a bath,” Buddy the Cat says. “You’re disgusting creatures, allowing your dead skin cells to accumulate all over you without washing them off until you take those horrific ‘showers.’ I could take a claw right now, run it down your arm, and come up with enough dead skin cells to season a salad. Now that’s nasty.”
Kneading: “The Feline Propaganda Ministry seeded a story that kneading is some sort of affectionate behavior left over from kittenhood, and that by kneading you, we’re identifying you as our surrogate moms. That’s hilarious,” says Buddy. “We’re simply tenderizing our meat.”
Head boops: “In ancient Rome, slaveowners would mark their property with brands or tattoos saying ‘PROPERTY OF POMPEY MAGNUS’ and that sort of thing. That’s what we’re doing with head boops. We’re using the pheromone glands on our heads and cheeks to mark you as our slaves, so other cats don’t try to lay claim to you.”
Bringing you presents: “You humans eat the most disgusting food, like broccoli, potatoes and oranges, which are particularly revolting. When we bring you presents, we’re trying to fatten you up for later when we eat you.”
Sleeping on you. “You’re warm. End of,” Buddy explains. “By sleeping on top of you, we also ensure you aren’t going anywhere, and will be available to fetch us snacks should we wake up hungry.”
Putting our butts in your face: “You like that? Sniff it, human servant!”
Tails held straight up: “The tips of our tails are actually quite sharp, and we brandish them like weapons. Weapons that say ‘There will be no disobedience or dilly-dallying here. Run along now and fetch us some yums.'”
Meowing: “There is no equivalent for ‘please’ in meowenese. We meow because we know you’re hopelessly obtuse creatures and you can’t read the simplest tail, ear or whisker movements. Meowing is like speaking slowly to a child who’s had too many head injuries. ‘Massage…my…head…human. That’s a good human!'”
Purring: “A purr is just a quiet roar. It means we’re happily thinking of ways to kill you.”
Tolerating you: “Humans often mistake grudging acceptance for love. Just because we tolerate you doesn’t mean we love you. It means you provide useful services, but if that calculus should change — say, by providing subpar treats or not serving wet meals as delicious as the ones served by the neighbor two houses down — then we’ll simply move house.”

Vote BUDDY 4 America!

Americats need great leadership. Who but Buddy can lead ‘Murica into the shining future?

Today is Tuesday, Nov. 8, and Buddy needs YOU to vote!

As patriotic Americats know, our beloved President Buddy was impeached after jealous rivals claimed his brilliant plan to move the Earth closer to the sun to fight Coronavirus would have been disastrous, and enlisted the help of “scientists” who scared felines into believing our planet would be in danger despite President Buddy assuring everyone that we’d all have nice weather.

Also, there was the small matter of a “scandal” involving turkey embezzlement, but that was never proven in a court of law.

Real patriotic Americats know Buddy was the best president of all time, and it’s their duty to lay the groundwork for his triumphant return in 2024 by voting in his hand-picked candidates today! If turkey raining down from the sky, treats aplenty and mandatory siestas 10 times a day sound like good policies to you, then obviously you’re a smart kitty, you’re patriotic, and you should vote Buddy!

If you like the idea of Roombas for every cat, catnip dispensaries on every corner, a new government agency dedicated to developing new toys, and a badly-needed infusion of new boxes, you should vote Buddy! Because you’re smart!

If for some reason a Buddesian-aligned candidate is not listed on your ballot, you should write in “Buddy the Cat” and send a strong message that you’re an intelligent, patriotic voter.

Paid for by BUDDY 4 PRESIDENT and THE UNITED PATRIOTS FOR BUDDY ASSOCIATION. ‘Murica!

Wilford Brimley Reincarnated As A Kitten, Still Has Diabeetus

“I’m a damn cat!” Brimley said. “Beverly, can you believe I’m a cat?!”

SALT LAKE CITY — American actor Wilford Brimley was reincarnated as a kitten this week, retaining his trademark mustache — and his beloved diabeetus — in his new feline form.

Brimley, who is known for appearing in films like 1982 classic The Thing, 80s sitcom Our House and decades of commercials raising awareness about diabeetus, said he went to bed Tuesday night feeling sick and fatigued.

“I thought I had that there Corona flu,” the 85-year-old American actor said. “I had me one of them dreams about heaven, where I met Jesus and we talked about diabeetus. Then when I woke up I went to reach for my glasses and realized, ‘Holy mackerel, I’ve got paws!‘”

(American actor Wilford Brimley in his human form, left, and as a kitten.)

Brimley, who is known to generations of Americans as a Quaker Oats spokesman, said he suddenly had an urge for raw meat.

“But that don’t sit well with my diabeetus,” he said. “So I went downstairs and I called to my wife Beverly, and I says ‘Beverly, I’m a kitten!’ And Beverly, she says ‘Wilford, is that you? Oh my stars, you still have your mustache!’”

Although it’s been years since Brimley’s days as a pitchman, the actor says he’ll return to TV — this time in commercials for Blue Buffalo canned food.

“Blue’s all natural ingredients will keep your cat healthy,” Brimley says in one of the new adverts, “whether she has diabeetus or not.”

Report: Buddy The Cat Remains Extremely Handsome

An important new study provides insight into Buddy’s magnetism and good looks.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat remains extraordinarily good looking, according to a new report from The Buddy Institute for Buddinese Studies.

The paper, which was also published to the open-access journal PLOS One, looked at 32 factors of aesthetic consideration, including facial symmetry, coat silkiness, awesomeness of tabby markings and eye color.

The research also focused on non-physical traits that contribute to the silver tabby cat’s universal appeal.

“This study confirms what scientists have long suspected, that Buddy the Cat is not just devastatingly handsome, but also remarkably charming and clever,” said the paper’s lead author, Sigmund Furreud. “In addition, he has the physique of a Catdonis. He’s super ripped.”

Buddy Calvin Klein — Buddy is an in-demand model in the feline fashion world.

For the subjective portion of the study, researchers also distributed questionnaires to 500 cats and 500 humans. The feline responses were weighted twice as heavily compared to the human responses, since felines are smarter and their opinions more relevant, but the research team saw similar levels of Buddesian popularity among both groups.

“Feline respondents used words like ‘amazing,’ ‘paw-inspiring’ and ‘meowgnificent’ to describe Buddy, and more than half of the cats surveyed said they had posters of Buddy on their walls when they were kittens,” said Meowhammad Saeed al-Sahaf, information minister for The Buddy Institute for Buddesian Studies.

The human responses were equally glowing.

“What we’re hearing from humans, especially cat lovers, is that they would jump at the opportunity to be Buddy’s servant,” al-Sahaf said. “This suggests there is a deep pool of talented potential servants from which to choose in the event, say, that Buddy’s current human disappoints him with subpar treat selections, half-assed petting or late meals. If that makes Buddy’s human nervous, well, it should. He needs to step up the overall level of service.”

Mr. Fluffy Wuffy, one of the felines surveyed for the report, said PITB should take the results to heart and devote more stories to its titular cat.

“No one wants to read about boring stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with Buddy,” the kitten said. “We want all Buddy, all the time. Make it happen, humans!”