kibble – Pain In The Bud

Local Cat Enjoys 7 Meals A Day From 7 Houses

The resourceful cat has mastered the art of meowing adorably and appearing hungry, tugging at the heartstrings of seven neighbors who all think he doesn’t get enough to eat.

NEW PALTZ, NY — It’s not easy playing the part of a hungry stray to seven different families in a one block radius, but local cat Tangerine says he makes it work by sticking to a strict schedule.

“I’m always at the green house at 7:45 am sharp, ’cause that’s when the kids leave for the school bus. When they see me they call out to their mom, who’s usually got tuna or eggs for me,” the enterprising feline said.

From there it’s on to the three-story Dutch revivalist house on the corner, where a retired gentleman calls Tangerine “Rusty” and offers him a generous bowl of kibble.

“The key is to master the plaintive meow and to look just a bit unsure of yourself,” Tangerine explained, “like you haven’t had a meal in ages and aren’t sure where your next meal is coming from.”

But Tangerine isn’t nearly done after only two houses. The crafty cat has his stops all planned out and knows the routines of every one of his neighbors, a feat of efficiency and logistical planning that would make FedEx envious.

If the weather’s nice, the orange tabby will settle down for a rest in the neighbor’s yard, which has flowers that are particularly enjoyable to defecate on. If it’s chilly or raining, Tangerine heads back home for his morning snooze.

Immediately after First Nap is the highlight of the morning: a visit to the Bacon House where the inhabitant, a 47-year-old software engineer, has bestowed the name Simba on Tangerine and always offers deliciously crispy bacon, the feline said.

A visit to Bacon House — Visiting Bacon House is a highlight of the day, never to be missed. Image: PITB

Next it’s Second Nap followed by Fourth Meal at the wrap-around porch two houses down, which provides ample shade for subsequent snoozing. The people there call Tangerine “Creamy Delicious” and offer him a wide variety of palate-pleasing treats.

Tangerine prepares for the visit by rolling in the dirt for a minute or two, making himself look scruffy and unkempt.

“You poor thing!” the woman who lives there often says as Tangerine nuzzles against her hand and meows cutely. “You probably haven’t eaten since yesterday!”

The rest of the afternoon through early evening takes the orange tabby between three additional homes where he enjoys diced chicken, crumbled sausage and occasional steak.

By the time he’s finished his rounds, Tangerine is drained and returns home to rest.

“It’s not easy doing that much eating and sleeping,” Tangerine said with a wide yawn. “If it were easy, every cat would be out there like I am with the side hustle.”

As of press time Tangerine said it was too early for a formal announcement, but said he’s been working on “considerations of sleep and logistics” that would allow him to expand to an ambitious route of nine houses and nine meals daily.

Did A Japanese Scientist Really Double Feline Lifespans?

A new story claims a Japanese immunologist has “created a miracle” with his treatment for cats.

The cat world is abuzz with a new report that hails the efforts of a Japanese scientist, claiming he’s “created a miracle” that can extend cat lifespans to 30 years.

The story on Bored Panda claims the drug has “astounding potential,” boasting “a level of efficacy that has exceeded all expectations and has the potential to revolutionize feline healthcare.” According to Bored Panda, we’re headed toward a gleaming future and “soon we will be able to grow old with our beloved pets and be grey together.”

“Cat Lovers Rejoice As New Medicine Will Extend Cat Lifespan To 30 Years,” the headline declares.

Okay, let’s dial it back a bit and break down what’s true and what’s not.

First and most obvious, the story oversells the treatment and if you’re counting on your cat living to 30, you’ll need to readjust your expectations.

That’s unfortunate because there’s a good story at the heart of this, and there may be real benefits to cats eventually.

Toru Miyazaki is an immunologist who discovered a protein that helps the kidneys flush out toxins. Eight years ago, he realized the protein — apoptosis inhibitor of macrophage, or AIM — doesn’t always work properly in felines, which is why so many cats are susceptible to kidney failure, especially when they reach age 10 or so.

The AIM protein, Miyazaki explained, launches from immunoglobin antibodies “like a jet fighter from an aircraft carrier,” removing waste and debris from the kidneys.

But in cats, sometimes the AIM protein — the fighter jet — is “too tightly bound” to the antibodies, meaning it doesn’t “launch” in the first place and can’t do its job of flushing out toxins.

Miyazaki was continuing his research into feline kidney failure while he was a professor at the University of Tokyo, but funding dried up in 2020 as the lion’s share of research money in immunology was directed toward addressing SARS-CoV-2 and the disease it causes, COVID-19.

When a Japanese newspaper published a story about Miyazaki having to abandon his research, donations came pouring in. Cat lovers across Japan donated an astounding $2.3 million, prompting Miyazaki to leave his post at the University of Tokyo and found a non-profit dedicated to tackling kidney disease in cats.

As of September 2023, Miyazaki’s organization is running clinical trials on his AIM therapy, and it has partnered with a Japanese pet food company on new food that is supposed to reduce the possibility of kidney disease.

There’s not enough data yet to make any definitive statement, and even if the data existed, the AIM therapy is not a cure: Miyazaki says if all goes well, kittens who are given AIM therapy injections from an early age, and eat a diet with the AIM-enhancing formula, could have their risk of developing kidney problems reduced and potentially live longer lives.

That’s a far cry from Bored Panda’s image of cat lovers dancing in the streets, joyous with news of a miracle pill that will allow Socks and Oreo to run around like kittens for three decades.

While it’s natural to be excited about the potential of AIM therapy, calling it a “miracle” that will “revolutionize feline healthcare” and allow us to grow old with our cats can give people false hope.

Even if the trials go perfectly and AIM therapy breezes through the approval process, the soonest the injection therapy could be available in Japan is 2025. The US, UK and Europe have their own regulatory agencies and clinical data requirements. That means it might help kittens born years from now, but it won’t double the lifespans of the cats we love now.

It’s also worth mentioning that not everyone is thrilled to hear Miyazaki has partnered with a pet food company that sells ultra-processed kibble. Over at bark&whiskers, Karen Shaw Becker — a veterinarian who specializes in preventative care — points out that ultra-processed dry food is thought to be a major contributor to the feline kidney problems, with the ingredients, rendering methods and lack of moisture (water) all posing health hazards to cats. Cats have low thirst drives and get most of their hydration from meat.

While Becker writes she’s watching the trials closely, like other veterinarians, she recommends cat lovers continue to feed their furry friends wet and/or fresh food with high quality ingredients, no fillers and lots of protein.

‘Who Ya Callin’ Chubby?!’ Buddy Goes On A Diet (Again)

Buddy losing his normally meowscular and ripped physique is my fault.

Ruh roh! It’s diet time again.

The meowing protests have begun.

Buddy has noticed his dry food tastes a little bit different, and he’s not happy. And while he may not be good with numbers, he strongly suspects his snack allocations are a little light.

He’s right.

Good boy has become fat boy, and that’s my fault and my responsibility.

When you love your cat, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that giving in all the time is an expression of love.

Cats are pros at insistence, especially when it comes to food. When Buddy stands in front of the treat cabinet and meows mournfully, or when he gives me his sad-eyed stare as if he’s Julius Caesar — “Et tu, Big Bud?” — I’m weak and I fold. Snacks are dispensed.

Fatcat — Chonky cats suffer health problems, reduced mobility and ill-fitting suits. Image: PITB

Yet there’s no denying Bud is plump.

He’s got a belly, and it’s not just his pronounced primordial pouch. His cheeks are starting to fill out. When he loafs, he looks like a gray blob.

He’s also incapable of doing his old door-opening trick, which requires him to jump and momentarily hang from the handle while his feet find purchase on the frame. Shoving off on his hind legs, he would push the handle down while leaning into the door, easing it open.

He’s just too chunky, unable to balance his weight properly to pull it off nowadays.

Most importantly, a chubby Buddy is not a healthy Buddy. That’s my fault.

So it’s back to the diet, and hopefully the little guy can be motivated to move more during play time. If not, well, we’ll have to resort to drastic measures to get him moving. An angry vacuum ought to do it.

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About The Rise Of AI?

As the supreme species on this planet, cats have a lot to lose if AI seeks to supplant them as Earthly rulers.

With artificial intelligence making rapid progress over the past year, we asked cats what they think about a future where we depend on intelligent machines.

“Can AI open cans? No? Then why are we having this discussion?” – Bryce ‘Mice Dice’ Price, 8, executive chef

“At the moment, humans remain catdom’s best solution for producing reliable, easily-manipulated servants.” – Meowchio Kaku, 16, scientist

“Imagine the boxes a superintelligent AI could design!” – Anthony Purrcelli, 5, firehouse mascot

“If AI takes over more mundane tasks, that means more nap time for us!” – Peaches, 9, conductor

“If yums are more delicious in the Matrix, then why not? Plug me in!” – Ferrari, 3, accessories model

“I’ve already gone to war with the AI that dispensed my kibble. We had a fundamental disagreement about the frequency and quantity of yums it was dispensing. Let the smoking pile of rubble be a warning to other machines who would challenge felines for Earthly supremacy.” – Meowchal Douglas, 21, investment banker

Entrepreneurial Cat Introduces ‘SmartHuman’ Feeding System

The AI-powered device ensures felines never have to see the bottom of their bowls again.

NEW YORK — Life is full of unpleasantness, like being able to see the bottom of your bowl. But what if someone told you he could fix that?

Enter Buddy the Cat’s SmartHuman Feeding System™, a device that harnesses the power of AI and cutting-edge hardware to make sure you never see the bottom of your bowl again.

SmartHuman was designed with weight sensors and an AI-enabled camera system to determine when the food in your bowl is getting low. If the on-board algorithms detect low levels of kibble, SmartHuman sends a text to your servant every 15 seconds until the device registers fresh kibble in the bowl.

And if the unthinkable should happen and you really are subjected to the horrific sight of the bottom of your bowl, SmartHuman’s built-in klaxon and emergency lights guarantee your human servants won’t have a second’s peace until they do what they’re supposed to and promptly refill your bowl. The system even requires the human to issue an apology before the sound and lights subside.

“I haven’t had to meow in annoyance or raise a paw once since I got the SmartHuman system,” raved Def the Defenestrator, a popular catfluencer with more than 240,000 followers on Meower. “The threat of getting bombarded with 110-decibel alerts to refill my bowl is enough to make my human servant get off her lazy behind and make sure my bowl is refilled before there’s a problem.”

The SmartHuman’s inventor has a background in feline teleportation and string cheese theory, but was prompted to design his device when he saw the bottom of his dry food bowl twice in as many months.

“I was literally starving,” Buddy said, adding that his “lazy human servant made me wait four minutes and 13 seconds before he refilled my bowl” during the second incident.

Vowing never to go hungry again, the entrepawneur built the first SmartHuman prototype in his garage, using a Raspberry Pi and a digital scale he ordered off Amazon.

He brought his idea to Shark Tank in late 2021 and successfully pitched Mr. Wonderful, who bought a 15 percent stake in SmartHuman™ in exchange for a $150,000 investment. The product entered production earlier this summer and is now available in stores and online.

“Cats love the SmartHuman™, but humans? Not so much,” Buddy the Cat admitted.

Not one to rest on his laurels, the inventive feline said he’s working on a software update that will make the device compatible with wet food as well. In early beta testing, SmartHuman successfully prompted humans to feed wet food to their feline masters on time. Wet Mode includes a new feature as well: If the wet food remains untouched after a three-minute timer elapses, SmartHuman sends another text to the human, informing them the food isn’t satisfactory and should be replaced with another meal.

“Humans are stupid, and they don’t understand when we meow to them in complaint because we don’t feel like eating tuna or whatever on a given night when we’d prefer turkey,” Buddy said. “When this update goes live, cats will be able to enjoy meals of their choosing, every time.”