fake news – Page 7 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy Celebrates New Status As ‘Senior’ Kitty

Senior cats enjoy perks and membership in secret clubs, Buddy the Cat recently learned.

NEW YORK — Most don’t like to hear they’re entering their golden years, but Buddy the Cat welcomed the news this week as he approached his 10th birthday and was informed he’s now a “senior kitty.”

“That’s great!” he said, according to sources. “It’s about time I get some seniority around here!”

Sources say the gray tabby believes he’s been promoted in rank and has been anticipating the perks he believes his new seniority grants him, speculating that it will lead to more frequent catnip nights, better spots on the couch, more delicious meals and the ability to boss around other cats.

“I got a beautiful pamphlet from the AARC (American Association of Retired Cats) that says I’m entitled to early bird dinners and invited to bingo nights now that I’ve achieved senior cat rank!” Buddy enthusiastically told reporters. “It’s like having VIP access to events. There’s a whole world of secret gatherings and clubs I wasn’t previously aware of.”

Buddy the Senior Kitten — Buddy ponders his new seniority

Despite his years, Buddy retains his kitten-like enthusiasm and still sounds like a mewing baby, but says his seniority has afforded him a deeper appreciation for a slower pace of life with more naps and fewer outbreaks of the zooms, in which he ricochets around his domicile like a screeching pinball.

“As a senior feline I’m expected to maintain a certain decorum befitting my station,” he explained.

Although he’s pleased by his new status, Buddy said he hasn’t been thrilled with the social aspect.

“I imagined high-ranking cats would party and enjoy the fine things in life,” he said. “I mean, we’re OGs, right? Instead, they mostly complain about joint pain and watch Wheel of Fortune. It’s weird.”

Senior Cats — Senior cats have their own exclusive private club, the community center, where they host wild bingo parties and stay up until all hours, sometimes as late as 7

As of press time, Buddy said he was looking into investing in gold and was considering a stair lift system after watching several hundred commercials in which the devices were described as “essential.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m gonna buy my first gold bullion this afternoon,” he said, “after telling these kittens to get off my lawn!”

The Buddinese Jaguar: A Fitting Feline For The One Percent!

You can’t have a jaguar pet and you can’t have Buddy the Cat, but what if you could have a breed that combines the best features of both? You’d pay a lot for that, wouldn’t you? Good, ’cause they start at $10k!

SATIRE/CAT HUMOR

Inspired by the exclusive Ashera cat, we proudly present to you the Buddinese Jaguar, the pinnacle in feline luxury.

Why settle for a pedestrian Bengal or Savannah when you could own the ultimate in feline status symbols?

Our Buddinese Jaguars feature royal lineage, the finest genetic modifications, and they’re extremely handsome!

– Ultra exclusive luxury cat
– Available in hypoallergenic variants
– Version 2.15 now available!
– Patented SilkySmooth™ technology results in a luxuriously soft coat
– Eye colors available in Neon Emerald, Viridescent Beryl, Azure Sky, Amber Glow, Flecked Gold, Elvis Pink Cadillac, Crystal Cobalt and Electric Sapphire
– Optional moon roof
– Easy to use Quiet Mode™ technology guarantees your Buddinese Jaguar will shut up when you want it to
– Extended 5-year warranty

Each Buddinese Jaguar comes with a rapid USB 3.0 charger, a V8 engine that provides plenty of power for HyperZooms, and an Apple AirTag-enabled collar.

Buddinese Jaguar kitten — From kittenhood until adulthood, Buddinese Jaguars are exemplars of handsomeness.

In addition to guaranteed software updates for at least five years, your Buddinese Jaguar is equipped with onboard analog algorithms ensuring it downloads exclusively in its litter box and nowhere else.

Base models start at only $9,950! Hypoallergenic models with patented Fel-d-1 Guard™ technology available starting at $12,495.

We are an officially authorized retailer accredited by the Buddinese Jaguar Association and the Buddinese Authorized Distributor Association Service Standards (BADASS), awarded only to retailers who maintain the highest breed standards.

About the breed:

The Buddinese Jaguar was developed by Buddesian Labs. Lead scientist Buddy the Cat tirelessly and selflessly engaged in coitus with 217 jaguarundi females, producing the magnificent offspring that would comprise the first generation of these extremely handsome cats. Using pioneering techniques in CRISPR gene-editing, Buddy did the impossible and improved upon perfection by eliminating allergens and adding even more meowscle mass.

Note: Buddy the Cat himself is not available for purchase, although he will entertain offers for his human.

Buddy sleeping — Chief scientist Buddy recovers after selflessly and heroically engaging in coitus with 217 jaguarundi females in the name of science.

Local Cat Enjoys 7 Meals A Day From 7 Houses

The resourceful cat has mastered the art of meowing adorably and appearing hungry, tugging at the heartstrings of seven neighbors who all think he doesn’t get enough to eat.

NEW PALTZ, NY — It’s not easy playing the part of a hungry stray to seven different families in a one block radius, but local cat Tangerine says he makes it work by sticking to a strict schedule.

“I’m always at the green house at 7:45 am sharp, ’cause that’s when the kids leave for the school bus. When they see me they call out to their mom, who’s usually got tuna or eggs for me,” the enterprising feline said.

From there it’s on to the three-story Dutch revivalist house on the corner, where a retired gentleman calls Tangerine “Rusty” and offers him a generous bowl of kibble.

“The key is to master the plaintive meow and to look just a bit unsure of yourself,” Tangerine explained, “like you haven’t had a meal in ages and aren’t sure where your next meal is coming from.”

But Tangerine isn’t nearly done after only two houses. The crafty cat has his stops all planned out and knows the routines of every one of his neighbors, a feat of efficiency and logistical planning that would make FedEx envious.

If the weather’s nice, the orange tabby will settle down for a rest in the neighbor’s yard, which has flowers that are particularly enjoyable to defecate on. If it’s chilly or raining, Tangerine heads back home for his morning snooze.

Immediately after First Nap is the highlight of the morning: a visit to the Bacon House where the inhabitant, a 47-year-old software engineer, has bestowed the name Simba on Tangerine and always offers deliciously crispy bacon, the feline said.

A visit to Bacon House — Visiting Bacon House is a highlight of the day, never to be missed. Image: PITB

Next it’s Second Nap followed by Fourth Meal at the wrap-around porch two houses down, which provides ample shade for subsequent snoozing. The people there call Tangerine “Creamy Delicious” and offer him a wide variety of palate-pleasing treats.

Tangerine prepares for the visit by rolling in the dirt for a minute or two, making himself look scruffy and unkempt.

“You poor thing!” the woman who lives there often says as Tangerine nuzzles against her hand and meows cutely. “You probably haven’t eaten since yesterday!”

The rest of the afternoon through early evening takes the orange tabby between three additional homes where he enjoys diced chicken, crumbled sausage and occasional steak.

By the time he’s finished his rounds, Tangerine is drained and returns home to rest.

“It’s not easy doing that much eating and sleeping,” Tangerine said with a wide yawn. “If it were easy, every cat would be out there like I am with the side hustle.”

As of press time Tangerine said it was too early for a formal announcement, but said he’s been working on “considerations of sleep and logistics” that would allow him to expand to an ambitious route of nine houses and nine meals daily.

Cat Demands Human Swear Fealty, Submit Essay To Continue Serving Him

Realizing he could leverage his popularity to improve snack and head-rubbing service, Little Buddy demanded his human “bend the knee.”

NEW YORK — Tensions between the Buddies threatened to reach an all-time high on Wednesday after Little Buddy the Cat sought to formalize their alliance by having Big Buddy the Human swear fealty to him.

“I’ve been thinking,” Little Buddy the Cat said, padding into the living room, “and I’ve got an idea!”

“This should be brilliant,” his human replied, not bothering to look up from his newspaper.

Little Buddy the Cat nodded in agreement.

“It is! It is!” he said excitedly. “I was thinking that since I have my own website, you know, and people all over the world love me, it’s time to reevaluate my options. There are people who would love to spoil me, you know.”

Big Buddy glowered.

“So I’m going to need an essay of no less than 800 words on why you should be allowed to continue serving me,” the feline continued. “Offer specifics, please. I’m gonna need that on my desk by 0800 tomorrow.”

“You don’t have a desk, you Tribble with a tail,” Big Buddy pointed out.

The tabby cat became exasperated. “My office! My…my eating nook where my bowls and all my important papers are stored! So you’ll submit your essay there, okay?”

Big Buddy nodded absentmindedly, flipping his newspaper to the sports section.

“Uh-huh. Whatever you say, little dude.”

Buddy clawed at the paper. “I wasn’t finished!”

Buddy and his tunnel — Buddy, pictured, wants his human to “bend the knee” and swear fealty to him.

When he had his human’s attention again, the silver tabby dragged out a crude replica of Game of Thrones’ Iron Throne made of cardboard, grunting with the effort.

“Now if I can just…get my feet up here…grip on the cardboard I can…grrr…okay. Whew!”

The feline settled onto the throne, the corrugated cardboard sagging beneath his weight, and tried to look regal.

“You may now bend the knee,” he said matter-of-factly. “Oooh! Ooh! Get your replica samurai sword, draw it and hold it as you kneel to me! That would be really cool.”

Buddy's cardboard throne — A Buddinese throne.

As of press time, Big Buddy had not stirred from the couch, retrieved his samurai sword or bent the knee.

“This is my fault,” he told a reporter. “I never should have let my cat watch Game of Thrones.”

Feline Leads US National Bowling Team To Dominant Win

Cats are unequaled when it comes to knocking objects over, giving them a natural talent for bowling.

DES MOINES — With his brow furrowed in concentration, the US team captain took a moment at the top of the lane to analyze the geometry of the task before him.

Satisfied that he’d correctly sized things up, he lunged forward and sent the ball barreling down the polished hardwood where it connected with a pin on the right, clipping it with just enough force to snap it toward its twin on the other side.

As both pins reverberated with a familiar clunk and the score registered a spare, teammates and spectators alike broke out into a raucous cheer.

It was business as usual for the US National Bowling Team except for one small detail: the bowler who’d just collected another spare was a domestic cat named Buddy.

Asked to summarize his feline teammate’s game, bowler Jeffrey Lebowski didn’t hesitate.

“One word,” he said. “Lights out. Actually that’s uh, that’s two words, but you get my drift, man.”

For Lebowski and his fellow bowlers, championship ambitions became reality with the meteoric rise of Buddy the Cat, who dominated the lower leagues before joining the national squad and quickly earning its captaincy.

“I’ve been knocking things over since I was a kitten,” Buddy said matter-of-factly. “Swiping objects isn’t just a hobby. For me, it’s a passion.”

Indeed, the silver tabby estimates he’s slapped tens of thousands of items off of tables, chairs, desks and counters at home over the years. He says he’s knocked his human’s smartphone to the floor more times than he can count, along with TV remotes, keys, writing instruments and beverages.

He credits the latter especially with providing him with the foundation necessary to excel on the lanes.

“If you think about it, a water bottle isn’t much different than a bowling pin,” Buddy explained. “They have a similar form factor and center of gravity, and they both make a satisfying slap as they hit the floor.”

But making a career of his passion never occurred to the New York-born feline until he dozed off on the couch one day and woke up to a bowling broadcast on ESPN6.

He was instantly smitten.

“I couldn’t believe such a sport existed,” Buddy recalled. “I said to my human: ‘All this time you knew there was a competitive sport that involves my favorite thing to do besides napping and eating, and you just neglected to mention it to me?’ I mean, it doesn’t even involve any running or physical exertion whatsoever! I knew it was the sport for me.”

Buddy and Lebowski — Jeffrey Lebowski with Buddy the Cat.

Buddy’s new teammates were skeptical at first, but when he filled in for teammate Walter Sobchak and bowled a perfect 300, they were sold.

“I told those %@#*s down at the league office that I don’t roll on Shabbos, but they scheduled us for a Friday night game anyway,” Sobchak said. “I told the league office ‘You’re entering a world of pain if we lose because I can’t roll,’ but Buddy saved our bacon. Shomer Shabbos!”

Buddy says he’s focused on leading the US team to its first championship in decades, but credits the experience for broadening his horizons. He said he’s particularly interested in getting involved in boxing “since boxes are another passion of mine.”

“Boxing sounds amazing, and I’m partial to all kinds of boxes, not just cardboard,” he said. “But first we have a world championship to win.”