The Los Gatos gain an edge while feigning concern for their customers. Meanwhile, Buddy has disappeared.
NEW YORK — Touting its concern for catnip junkies and the nip-slingers who deal to them, the Los Gatos criminal gang became the latest organization to issue social distancing guidelines on Thursday.
The new guidelines represent the gang’s effort “to find new and innovative ways to deliver quality narcotics to our customers,” the gang said in a statement after veterinary authorities announced cats are susceptible to COVID-19.
“The safety and health of our drug dealers is of the utmost importance in the trying days ahead of us,” said the cartel, which deals almost exclusively in catnip and silver vine. “However, our dealers serve a vital function in our communities, not unlike pharmacies, and must remain in business for the benefit of cats who need the good stuff.
“That’s why we’ve implemented contact-less nip transactions, allowing our customers to get their fix without exposing themselves to the possibility of infection,” the notice read. “Users can visit our website or download our app to place orders. Use promo code BUDDYISAWIMP to get 20 percent off your first order of Meowie Wowie or Purrple Haze!”
The Buddy Organization, Los Gatos’ primary rival in the catnip distribution industry, has yet to respond or offer its own social distance policy.
Sources inside the organization say Buddy himself has been missing for days, with rampant speculation that the gray tabby has been hiding under his human’s bed since learning cats can contract the Coronavirus.
“That COVIDIOT has left us high and dry while the Los Gatos are muscling in on our territory,” one exasperated source complained. “Sales are down 73 percent over the last week and he’s nowhere to be seen!”
A spokescat for Buddy denied the reports.
“That’s ridiculous and frankly offensive,” the spokescat said. “Buddy is absolutely not scared of garbage trucks, paper bags, vacuum cleaners or toddlers, and he sure as heck isn’t scared of Coronavirus. He doesn’t even drink beer.”
Sales of catnip have been booming as cats and humans alike self-isolate and self-medicate.
Buddy the Cat and his human watch The Big Lebowski and record a commentary track for your enjoyment and illumination.
Unused Audio Commentary for The Big Lebowski, 20th anniversary Blu-ray special edition with 32 seconds of extra footage, featuring Buddy the Cat and his human, Big Buddy.
Big Buddy the Human: Hello and thanks for joining us on this special commentary track for one of the most beloved cult films of the past quarter century.
Little Buddy the Cat: The Big Lebowski!
Big Buddy: Yep. There’s a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski, just like I’m Big Buddy and you’re Little Buddy.
Little Buddy: Let me guess: The Little Lebowski is the more awesome of the two, and he’s the hero of the story?
Big Buddy: That’s correct. Although in this movie he’s referred to as “The Dude” by anyone who knows him, just like you’re “The Jerk” to anyone who knows you. Now we see the opening shots of a supermarket as the Dude shops for a pint of milk. This movie is set in the 1990s. George Bush is on the TV warning Saddam Hussein: “This aggression will not stand!”
Little Buddy: No, it will not!
“This aggression will not stand!”
Big Buddy: I love this part. The Dude doesn’t even get his foot in the door of his home before these thugs grab him. They’re dunking his head in the toilet bowl.
Little Buddy: His litter box! Oh that’s nasty.
Big Buddy: They want money. They keep saying “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” as they dunk his face into the toilet. And now probably the most pivotal moment in the movie…the second thug pees on The Dude’s rug.
Little Buddy: Unbelievable! Who would do something like that? Who would pee on a rug? Certainly not I.
Big Buddy: Says the rug-pee-er.
Little Buddy: I am not!
Big Buddy: Please. Your kind are notorious for pissing all over rugs. It’s like a national pastime with you people.
Little Buddy: ‘You people’? ‘Your kind’? That’s so racialist!
Big Buddy: You’re a cat, you can’t be the victim of racism.
The inciting incident: A thug pees on The Dude’s rug.
Little Buddy: We’re not here to talk about me peeing on rugs. We’re here to talk about thugs peeing on The Dude’s rug. Why does The Dude owe them money?
Big Buddy: He doesn’t. That’s the whole point. These thugs have the wrong Lebowski.
Little Buddy: So they peed on the wrong Lebowski’s rug? That rug really tied the room together! Please tell me The Dude gets a good rug to replace the one that’s been peed on.
Big Buddy: That’s the plot of this movie. One man’s relentless search for a perfect rug to tie the room together and replace the rug that’s been peed on.
Little Buddy: I like it already! What’s this?
Big Buddy: This is a bowling alley, where people play a game called bowling…
The Dude, Donny and Walter at the bowling alley. As per usual, Donny is out of his element.
Little Buddy: Are they…?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: Hold on, hold on! You’re telling me humans play a game in which the object is to swipe things off a flat surface?!
Big Buddy: That’s correct.
Little Buddy: And you never thought to tell me this? You know how much I love swiping things off flat surfaces!
Big Buddy: I never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you would like…
Little Buddy: This is vital information! When can we go?!?
Big Buddy: Well how about we watch the movie first? I promise there’s a ton of bowling in it for you to get your vicarious thrills. Then we can talk about going bowling.
Little Buddy: Deal. This is gonna be so much fun!
Big Buddy: Okay. So we get this establishing shot of synchronized bowlers, and now we meet the rest of our heroes — The Dude’s friends, Walter and Donnie.
Little Buddy: Walter is upset about something. He doesn’t roll on Shabbos.
Big Buddy: No, he does not.
Shomer Shabbos!
Big Buddy: So as The Dude tells them the story about the desecrated rug, it’s Walter’s idea to confront the Big Lebowski to get compensation. After all, those thugs were looking for him, not The Dude. The Dude takes Walter’s advice and goes to speak to The Big Lebowski.
Little Buddy: Who’s this guy?
Big Buddy: That’s Brandt, the Big Lebowski’s Butler.
Little Buddy: Ah. His servant, like you are for me.
Big Buddy: Not exactly. Brandt shows The Dude around, tells him about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, and introduces him to The Big Lebowski himself.
Little Buddy: This guy is the Big Lebowski?
Big Buddy: Yep.
Little Buddy: I was expecting a much bigger Lebowski.
Big Buddy: Well I suppose “The Slightly Larger Lebowski” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
The Slightly Larger Lebowski.
Little Buddy: The Big Lebowski doesn’t seem very receptive to The Dude’s argument.
Big Buddy: That’s putting it mildly. He thinks The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat.
Little Buddy: That’s because The Dude is a joint-smoking deadbeat. It looks like a wonderful life. Catnip, naps and food.
Big Buddy: How is that different from your daily existence?
Little Buddy: It’s not, which is why I love The Dude. Speaking of, where’s the nip?
Big Buddy: You want it now? Seriously?
Little Buddy: Gimme, gimme! I feel like I should be on The Dude’s wavelength when I watch this movie. Thanks, amigo!
Buddy gets into the spirit — and The Dude’s mind state — with a nip break.
Big Buddy: Okay. So I like how The Dude isn’t dissuaded. The Big Lebowski is screaming at him, refusing to compensate him for his rug, and does that stop him? No! He just leaves and tells Brandt: “The old man told me to take any rug in the house.”
Little Buddy: Who’s this lady painting her toes?
Big Buddy: That’s Bunny Lebowski, the Big Lebowski’s trophy wife.
Bunny Lebowski, a woman who charges outrageous fees to blow on people’s toes.
Little Buddy: She’s asking The Dude to blow on her toes, and he does, but she says he has to pay $1,000 if he wants her to blow his toes. That hardly seems fair.
Big Buddy: She’s not offering to blow on his toes, she’s…ah, nevermind. You wouldn’t understand.
Little Buddy: Why?
Big Buddy: Because you’re a cat.
Little Buddy: Racialist!
Big Buddy: A neutered cat.
Little Buddy: What’s noodured?
Big Buddy: Nevermind. The Dude tells Bunny he’s going to find an ATM, but now we’re back at the bowling alley with Walter and Donny.
“I’ll go find an ATM…”
Little Buddy: Is that a dog in a carrier?
Big Buddy: Yes.
Little Buddy: That’s absurd! Who brings a dumb animal bowling? Especially a dumb animal who most certainly does not appreciate the finer things in life, like swiping objects off flat surfaces.
(ON SCREEN) WALTER: “What do you mean “brought it bowling”? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude.”
Little Buddy: See? The Dude and I think alike. Whoah! A gun! Walter has a gun! What’s he doing?
Big Buddy: He’s threatening Smokey, another bowler. He says Smokey was over the line when he bowled.
Little Buddy: Oh. Then why not just shoot him? Mark it zero!
Walter, the only sane voice in the movie, prevents social order from breaking down by threatening to shoot a man over a bowling disagreement.
Big Buddy: Smokey marks it zero.
Little Buddy: Hell yeah.
Big Buddy: Walter and The Dude gotta bounce quick, one of the managers is calling the cops.
Little Buddy: *yawn* What for?
Big Buddy: For pulling a gun during a game of bowling, little guy! You can’t just do that to people. Oh, I love this part when they walk to the car and argue…
Big Buddy: Bud?
Big Buddy: Buddy, wake up!
Big Buddy: I knew it. Okay, that’s all for today, folks, Buddy is in a catnip coma and I don’t think he’s waking up any time soon. Join us next time for Part II of Unused Audio Commentary: The Big Lebowski! Thanks for rolling with us on Shabbos.
The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel muscles in on Buddy’s territory.
NEW YORK — At least five cats — including two kittens — were caught in the cross-spray of a drive-by urinating on Tuesday night, the latest innocent victims of an ongoing war between niplords vying for territorial control to push their product.
Lil Tubbie, a local tabby, said he was out for an after-kibble walk when he found himself in the middle of full-fledged gang warfare.
“The usual lowlifes were hawking their can-bags of nip on the street when a minivan came to a screeching halt and a half dozen Los Gatos just poured out from the back seat, screeching like bats out of hell,” Lil Tubbie said. “They were ruthless, pissing everywhere to mark their territory. I saw one poor kitten get sprayed in the face. It was chaos.”
The Los Gatos Catnip Cartel is notorious for its drive-by sprayings.
There was no warning an attack was imminent, and authorities said they were taken aback by the strike’s brutality, potentially marking an escalation in a catnip war that has been raging for months.
“This is not the first time the Los Gatos have strong-pawed their way to acquiring new territory,” Pawlice Chief Mr. Snuggles said. “But in the past, gangs and cartels observed a code. Now any innocent cat just going about their business in public runs the risk of getting blasted in the face or drenched by marauding gang members.”
Like their wild forebears, cat cartel members usurp new territory by urinating on it, marking the boundaries of their domains with the acidic, ammonia-like scent of kitty pee.
“Whatchu lookin’ at?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is famous for his ruthless drive-by urinatings against rival nip families and cartels alike.
Buddy the Niplord, who runs the area’s most powerful catnip cartel, is expected to retaliate against Los Gatos’ latest power play, analysts said.
“If Buddy doesn’t retaliate, he looks weak,” said Claws Furson, a feline criminologist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Meownhattan. “Police are on high alert, warning kittens to stay inside while they brace for the next violent outburst. The catnip wars take a real toll on our communities.”
Avon Meowsdale, a powerful niplord who was taken down by Buddy’s cartel in 2011, was subjected to “kibble boarding,” a form of torture in which the feline victim is strapped to a table underneath a sieve and slowly driven insane by a steady drip of kibble.
Gang cats claim an alley from which to sling potent catnip.
The Los Gatos are known for their own brand of torture, famously subjecting cartel boss Pawblo Escobar to “El Gruñido” (The Growling), a form of torture in which the victim is placed in a cage and forced to watch as cats around him dine on delicious wet food.
Both kibble-boarding and The Growling were condemned by the UN High Commission on Feline Warfare, categorizing both methods as war crimes prosecutable by The Hague.
In the meantime, neighborhood cats have taken to wearing rain coats to protect themselves against random scent-marking drive-by sprayings. Meowmoud Mohammad, a Persian cat who owns Feline Fashions in Manhattan, said he can’t keep them stocked.
“I suggest pre-ordering to reserve a rain coat when the next batch arrives,” Meowmoud said. “With all these gangs trading urine salvos, it’s the innocent who suffer. Don’t let yourself get caught in the cross-stream without protection.”
Cats loyal to Buddy the Niplord patrol their territory on Tuesday.
The authorities are closing in on Buddy and his catnip empire!
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK
Manhattan Division
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA v. Buddy the Cat, defendant
February 2020
INDICTMENT
THE GRAND JURY CHARGES THAT:
COUNT ONE
19 USC § 741D (Unauthorized Distribution of Schedule I Catnip)
The defendant and other relevant persons
1. Between or on about April 22, 2014 and January 1, 2020, defendant BUDDY THE CAT (“Buddy”) operated a vast interstate operation dedicated to the cultivation, packaging, distribution and sale of Nepeta Cataria, commonly known as CATNIP, and by the street names “The Nip,” “Feline Piff,” and “Meowijuana,” as well as Actinidia polygama, commonly known as SILVER VINE.
2. While overseeing his criminal organization, defendant Buddy the Cat headquartered his operation out of a New York apartment, entrusting his lieutenants Nipsy Rock, Socks the Evil Killah, Chairman Meow and Pawblo Escobar with the sale and wholesale distribution of catnip and silver vine, both Schedule I nipcotics according to the United States Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA).
3. During his tenure as the east coast’s primary “Niplord,” Buddy the Cat did engage in a ruthless campaign of violence and intimidation in order to claim territory (“corners,” “stoops” and “blocks”) for himself and his criminal organization.
COUNT TWO
23 USD § 892b (Criminal Endangerment of a Kitten)
4. Buddy the Cat, aided by his capitans, lieutenants and soldiers, did participate in the recruitment of kittens younger than six months of age for the purpose of serving as runners for “The Nip” and as lookouts to provide advance warning of the presence of law enforcement. The young kittens were recruited with promises of a glamorous lifestyle, compensation in the form of Temptations treats, and “street credibility.”
COUNT THREE
USD 113a § 046 (Feliny catslaughter in the first degree)
5. Buddy the Cat and his aforementioned lieutenants participated in the ruthless and diabolical elimination of rivals and potential “snitches,” among them Fat Tony Catsonova, consigliere of the Il Nipolino catnip cartel, Felix “Heisenpaw” White, chief chemist for the Los Angeles-based Los Gatos criminal gang, and “Meowvelous” Mikey Mike, a show cat who moonlighted as a dealer specializing in high-grade silver vine.
COUNT FOUR
USD 562a § 215 (Conspiracy to transport catnip across state lines)
6. On or about Oct 12, 2016, defendant Buddy the Cat and Nipsy Rock were observed by a federal agent discussing the shipment of 4,000 lbs of premium Meowijuana, with a street value of approximately $200,000 USD, from a grow warehouse in California to the operation’s Nip Distribution Center in Newark, NJ. In addition, defendants Chairman Meow and Pico de Gato were overheard planning the ambush and robbery of a silver vine shipment intended for a Los Gatos stash house in Houston, Texas.
The Substantive Violation
Defendant Buddy the Cat did willfully participate in the manufacture, distribution and sale of Schedule I nipcotics, the termination of rival Niplords, a protracted series of turf wars and a permanent campaign of disruption and terror aimed at his rivals in the illegal catnip trade.
Have you seen Buddy the Cat? Federal authorities have announced a $10,000 reward for information leading to the successful capture and conviction of the notorious niplord.
Buddy goes into business with 411, the Nigerian Royal Family Cat. The offer almost seems too good to be true!
Dear Sir or Madam,
Warm salutations and greetings to you, my friend! I am writing to your most esteemed personage having just been informed by my attorneys that I stand to inherit more than 5,000 pounds of premium catnip, including Meowie Wowie, Purrple Haze, Kitty Kush and Mewbury OG.
However, due to the Byzantine inheritance laws of my homeland of Nigeria, I am unable to come into my considerable catnip fortune without an American bank account, which is needed to pay the inheritance fee to the Nigerian Office of Catnip Inheritance.
This is where I must humbly ask for your assistance, good sir or madame. It is my fervent hope that we may come to an agreement in which you allow me to make the inheritance payment from your account in exchange for a large portion of my inheritance. Would 2,000 pounds of catnip be acceptable recompense to you for this favor?
Yours truly, your friend,
Grand Prince Four One Nine, Nigerian Royal Family Cat
Dear 419,
Wow! Five thousand pounds of catnip! This sounds almost too good to be true! If I were you I’d build a big vault for all my catnip and go swimming in it daily, like Scrooge McDuck does with his money!
I don’t know where Nigeria is but it sounds like a wonderful country. I stole my human’s bank information and have attached it to this email. When will I get my 2,000 pounds of catnip?
Your friend,
Buddy
Photo by Andrew Marttila.
Dearest Most Magnificent Buddy,
Warm salutations! It is my life’s honor to count you among my friends and execute this business deal together. Good fortune smiles on us both, and soon we will be bathing in rivers of catnip, the envy of all other cats!
There has been a small hiccup with the Ministry of Inheritance. In order to process my payment, I am required to submit a small processing fee with the Royal Processing Fee Bureau of Nigeria. It is only a paltry sum of $2,000, but again I am only able to make this payment via an American bank account.
If you would be so kind as to authorize the payment, you shall be reimbursed of course and we will be basking in our new catnip fortunes shortly!
With great affection and respect,
Four One Nine, Feline of the Nigerian Royal Family
Dear 419,
If you can repay the $2,000 right away, I’m happy to help! I’ll look out for the check and the catnip in the mail!
Buddy
Photo by Andrew Martilla.
Most Marvelous Benefactor Buddy,
You, Sir, are my most valued and trusted friend! They say American cats are fat, lazy and selfish, but they are wrong, for you are not selfish at all! I have let it be known in my village that Buddy of America is a wonderful and wise cat. They sing songs about you and your generosity.
We are almost in possession of our catnip, my friend! All that remains is to cover the shipping fee and the Royal Nigerian Export fee. They are paltry sums, merely $4,000 and $3,500 respectively. I have already had my servant mail the $2,000 reimbursement for the processing fee, and will similarly return the funds promptly upon paying the export and shipping fees from your respected American bank account.
I received but a small sample of the Meowie Wowie this afternoon and raise a toast in your honor!
Your Loyal Friend,
Four One Nine, Cat Royal of the Family
Dear 419,
I’m fresh out of cash. What if I could scrounge up some cans of tuna and some old toys? Could we bribe the clerk to waive the export fee?
Buddy
Dear 419,
I haven’t gotten my $2,000 reimbursed and still no catnip! I know you probably forgot to write me back, but can you please tell me what the status is?
Buddy
Dear 419,
You tricked me! No catnip, no reimbursement, no village cats singing songs about me!
It just so happens I have a cousin in your country. He’s gonna pay you a visit!
Buddy
Photo by Andrew Martilla.
Dearest Most Esteemed Honorable Buddy,
Your, ahem, cousin presented himself just minutes ago. Please, on my behalf, thank him again for not eating me! I did not know lions could be so merciful and had already emptied my bladder by the time I realized he would allow me to live.
Here is your $2,000 and the first 200 lbs of catnip you are owed. The rest will be delivered in installments for the next 24 months.
Lastly, I am instructed to inform you that, per your cousin’s direction, the music teachers have been drafting paeans to your majesty, and the kittens will stage a three-act play about how awesome you and your cousin are. But mostly your cousin.
Pain In The Bud 