Buddy the Cat – Page 16 – Pain In The Bud

Archaeologists Uncover Ancient Mayan Jungle City Where Buddy Was Once Worshiped As A Feline Deity

The city, which was abandoned after a natural disaster, was an important hub of civics, trade, napping and indigenous dishes such as the cheeseburger.

XQOCHOATL, Yucatán — Archaeologists announced the discovery of a vast and prosperous ancient Mayan jungle city whose inhabitants once worshiped an unusually handsome gray tabby as a feline god.

X’Budiso was an important center of trade, religious life, architecture and art, according to Ferdinand Lyle, an archaeologist with the British Museum of London and lead researcher on the project.

His team located the long-lost city using LiDAR — light detection and ranging — a technology that allowed them to peer beneath the cover of heavy jungle and detect the ruins beneath.

Previously, there was only one indication that humans had once inhabited the area — a feline paw holding a cheeseburger, rendered in stone and poking out of a thick tangle of jungle flora. When archaeologists cleared the brush and trees, they revealed the rest of the statue which depicted a regal-looking cat on a plinth, holding the cheeseburger aloft in triumph.

Budacoatl with offerings — An artist’s impression of the Mayan deity Budacoatl surrounded by offerings of cheeseburgers, dipping sauces and artisanal cheeses inside the Temple of a Thousand Snacks. A cult devoted to Budacoatl, the Ancient Order of Yums, was responsible for taste-testing the snackly offerings.

The city was a bustling metropolis for hundreds of years before its abrupt abandonment, which researchers said was likely caused by a natural disaster such as a flood or pestilence.

“The Budiso people worshiped a pantheon, and at the top of that pantheon was Budacoatl, the tabby jaguar god of snacks, handsomeness and war,” Lyle explained. “Our research indicates that doom fell over the city, likely in the form of a plague, and that its inhabitants believe they may have angered Budacoatl by skimping on their offerings of snacks.”

Cats in front of the Temple of Turkey — Feral felines, like the pair pictured here in front of the Temple of Turkey, still live on the grounds of the long-lost city. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

Partially translated glyphs tell of unprecedented growth for the once-prosperous city, which the people believed stemmed from the favor they enjoyed from Budacoatl. Employing a force of more than 100,000 laborers, they built a magnificent temple to the feline deity in the very center of their city.

An architectural wonder, the Temple of Budacoatl featured more than 500 depictions of the feline in statues and relief carvings. The structure was comprised of tiered gardens with artificial waterfalls and tribute chambers, while gilded food and water bowls were placed at regular intervals for the hundreds of mortal cats who lived on the temple grounds.

A nearby structure, the enigmatic Grand Napitorium, was possibly the first sound-proof building in history and affirmed the X’Budiso people’s communal commitment to satisfying siestas.

The city gained a reputation for culinary innovation, and is considered the birthplace of aji sauce, deep fried turkey, huevos rancheros and Temptaciones, the ancient precedessor to Temptations.

The Artisanal Guild of Nectarean Condiments and the Sacred Order of Saucemasters were two particularly prosperous factions in the ancient city, which developed a reputation in the pre-Conquistadorial world for producing the tastiest guacamole.

“It was said that Budacoatl was particularly fond of sandwiches, and the people sang hymns about his power, influence and ripped physique,” Lyle said. “An epic poem, chiseled into the edifice of the temple, told of battle in the heavens between Budacoatl and the mighty Vakuum, scourge of the Maya. Budacoatl prevailed over Vakuum, banishing him to the underworld where his screeching could not be heard by the inhabitants of the Earth.”

Relief carvings — Richly detailed relief carvings from the Palace of Pâté depict figures from the feline pantheon. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

At the foot of the wall where the poem is inscribed stands a statue of Budacoatl, one paw holding a pastrami sandwich and the other raised in a sign of peace.

“Budacoatl was a big deal among the Maya,” Lyle said. “At one point he was bigger than Gozer and Zuul, ruling atop the pantheon. As a result, cats enjoyed enormous favor in the city.”

Professor Ferdinand Lyle, foreground, stands in front of the Napitorium, where the Budiso people would take siestas. Napping was an important part of the culture. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

Buddy Cast As Richard Parker In Life Of Pi Remake

The famous feline embraces the role of a beloved tiger in a reboot of the Academy Award-winning film. Critics praised the casting, noting Buddy’s strong resemblance to Richard Parker.

LOS ANGELES — Buddy the Cat will star as the main antagonist in an upcoming remake of Life of Pi, Variety reported on Monday.

The silver tabby cat will pad into the role of Richard Parker, a Bengal tiger who finds himself sharing a small boat with a teenage boy named Pi after they survive a storm that sinks their ship.

Alone, hungry and scared, Pi and Richard Parker must learn to trust each other as they drift west with no land in sight.

In one memorable scene from the 2012 original, a gluttonous Richard Parker hoards hundreds of fish while refusing to share with Pi.

“A lot of people think Richard’s being greedy,” Buddy said, “but put yourself in his paws. You can’t get turkey out there. Pi isn’t exactly volunteering to open cans of the good stuff. It’s a cat eat fish world.”

(Above: Buddy the Cat as Richard Parker is “indistinguishable” from the original character, the movie’s casting director says.)

One of the most memorable sequences involves the duo drifting toward an island paradise under the stars as the ocean glows a bioluminiscent blue. The scene takes on a trippy quality as boy and tiger hallucinate tasty, juicy fish paddling lazily through the night air.

“As an actor, you embrace the challenge of imagining all these scrumptious, decadent fish and, you know, your stomach just rumbles,” Buddy told an interviewer.

The silver tabby said the film is helping him grow as an actor.

“When my agent sent me the script, I thought ‘Life of Pie?’ You know, I like pie. Shepherd’s pie, chicken pot pie, paella, steak and guiness pie,” he said. “So to prepare for the role, I ate a lot of pie.”

Radio Broadcast Details Buddy’s Incredible Accomplishments

Did you know Buddy the Cat invented the George Foreman Grill and diffused the Cuban missile crisis? Me either!

I was looking through some of my old files the other day when I came upon this forgotten radio broadcast, which provides just a taste of Buddy’s heroics and adventures:

Of course I live with the little guy, so it’s easy to forget how accomplished he actually is. In addition to serving a term as president of the Americats, Buddy has won multiple gold medals at the Olympics, led the New York Yankees to a World Series championship, single-handedly took on the meowfia, and holds the Guinness World Record for most stylishly executed nap.

To me he’s just my Buddy, my fluffy little friend who likes to hang out, meows a lot, and enjoys purring and making biscuits while I rub his head and tell him what a cool dude he is.

Still, it’s nice to know that if I need him to take on evil robots or win a competitive eating contest, he’s got that covered too.

Increasingly Frustrated Buddy Insists He’s Not Wearing Eyeliner

Despite repeated denials, Buddy the Cat has been dogged by allegations that he wears eyeliner as he campaigns to once again enter the White House as president of the Americats.

NEW YORK — As he crosses the country in his bid to win a second term as president of the Americats, Buddy the Cat has outlined his policy vision, including banning dogs from parks and making bacon one of the major food groups.

But to his frustration, there’s one topic he can’t seem to shake.

“Mr. President,” one reporter asked during a campaign stop in Skokie, Ill., “why do you wear eyeliner?”

Buddy hammered a paw onto the podium before taking a breath and composing himself.

“I don’t wear eyeliner, okay? Next question.”

A Washington bureau chief from CNN (Cat News Network) was called on by the Buddy campaign’s spokescat.

“Mr. President, what would you say to those voters who are convinced you wear eyeliner, and how does your use of eyeliner align with the American Heartland values you claim to champion?”

Buddy’s paws held the podium in a death grip.

“I. Do not. Wear. Eyeliner!” he said, emphasizing each syllable. “My coat pattern has natural dark lines around my eyes. I don’t wear makeup, okay? Can we let this go already?”

Someone coughed in the back of the room, and the CNN staffer took the microphone back.

“So guyliner then,” she said declaratively.

“Not guyliner either! Does anyone have a question about my campaign or the great ideas we have for the country?”

Buddy Americat President — Americat Purrsident Buddy announces sanctions on canines during a press conference on Oct. 30, 2019.

A journalist from Spyglass Magazine in New York spoke up.

“Yes, Mr. President, you said you’d make it a priority on day one to ban all canines from public parks.”

“Yes, that’s right,” Buddy said, nodding. “They’ve had the parks for decades. It’s our turn.”

The reporter looked down at her notes, then back up at Buddy.

“Do you think a politician who wears eyeliner is the right cat to confront the canine species on this topic?” she asked as steam began jetting out of Buddy’s ears. “Shouldn’t the message come from a feline who doesn’t wear cosmetics?”

The room fell silent until a journalist in the back called out: “Perhaps you can share your makeup tips with the country?”

The camera feed cut off just as former President Buddy leapt off the podium toward the press corps. For a few seconds yowling could be heard over the feed before it cut out entirely, replaced by a static message saying the network was experiencing technical difficulties.

While a press release from the Buddy campaign claimed the candidate was “merely hugging his favorite member of the media,” the hashtag #BuddyWearsEyeliner went viral on Meower, with more than 32,000 meows about the former president’s alleged use of the cosmetic.

Readers Are Furious With Mag Over Severe Cat Neglect Story, PLUS: Buddy’s Le Handsome Club!

New York magazine’s article included difficult-to-read details about the severe neglect of a pet cat, and didn’t offer any reassurances that the forsaken feline was okay.

Happy Thursday! Before we get into today’s cat news, I’d like to share my current Google News search string, which has helped me keep my sanity over the last few weeks. It’s simple:

“cat -doja -vance -shot”

And voila, no more stories about Doja Cat, fewer blood pressure-raising articles about people who think shooting felines is a sport, and you’re mercifully saved from the 17,457th “think piece” about JD Vance and cat ladies.

The “relatable” column about severely neglecting a cat

New York magazine’s editors knew they were wading into a minefield with this week’s pet ethics issue, and the author of a story about neglecting her cat knew it too, which is why she took the preventative step of using a nom de plume.

In a column titled “Why Do I Hate My Pet After Having A Baby?” (later softened by the editors to “Why Did I Stop Loving My Cat When I Had A Baby?”), “Audrey” writes about severely neglecting her cat, Lucky, after having her first child.

She not only developed what she calls a “postpartum loathing” of Lucky, she admits to not feeding the poor feline for so long that Lucky ate plants out of desperation, then predictably threw up. The forsaken feline began eliminating on the floor because her litterbox was not being scooped. She lost “at least one tooth” and because even water was denied her, she had to drink out of the toilet. The life-threatening neglect and emotional abuse lasted months.

“If I treated a human the way I treated my cat, I would be in prison for years,” Audrey admits, describing Lucky’s own descent into depression as the cat became the scapegoat for all of Audrey’s negative feelings.

Cats (and dogs) understand a lot more than we give them credit for, especially when it comes to our emotional states, to which they are hyper-attuned because they are directly impacted. We’re talking about animals who have been companions to humans for 10,000 and 30,000 years, respectively. Not only does their companionship predate human civilization and the concept of recorded history, they have evolved to intuitively read human facial expressions and body language. They can even smell our pheromones, which means they’re often consciously aware of our moods before we are.

I’ll never forget what my brother said to me a few weeks after I adopted Bud, upon meeting the little guy for the first time: “You’re his whole world.” I’ve tried to make that world as loving, safe and fun for my cat as I can, because he deserves it. He’s given me back so much in return.

Adopting comes with responsibility. It’s not just about meeting an innocent animal’s basic needs, like food and water. It’s about providing our four-legged friends with good lives and never taking our bad days out on them.

“Audrey” says she tried to get rid of Lucky, leaving the windows of her home open, and because the original version of the story dealt almost exclusively with the author’s mental health, readers were disturbed by the lack of any follow-up on Lucky’s situation.

The negative reaction was so strong that New York’s editors took the unusual step of attaching a note to the story claiming they “confirmed the welfare of the cat prior to publishing the story.”

That didn’t satisfy the magazine’s critics, who accused them of behaving “callously” by presenting the author’s abuse of Lucky as a “relatable” symptom of post-partum depression.

“Why are you ignoring one of the most controversial articles you’ve ever published instead of addressing it?” one reader wrote. “It’s not going to just go away – we will not forget … The people will not stop until that cat is safe and loved, and your publication is held responsible.”

Insisting the magazine’s editors be “held responsible” is a bit much, and I’m not a fan of censorship. The bigger issue is the lack of concern for the cat even in retrospect, and the attempt to normalize postpartum animal abuse, as if it’s just a thing people do. It feels like a missed opportunity to explore why such things happen, and to examine the problem with compassion for all involved, human and animal.

Buddy the Cat’s Le Handsome Club is now open to le handsome cats

This is really just an excuse to show off my latest poster promoting PITB, but readers will recognize the concept of Le Handsome Club from earlier satirical stories about the Budster.

I’ve written before about “real Buddy” and “cartoon Buddy,” which is the version of him that exists in PITB’s world of absurd satire. Cartoon Buddy is real Buddy with his quirks, narcissistic qualities and amusing lunacy dialed up to 11.

Someone once asked me how to write a children’s book because they want to write one about their pets. Since I’ve never written a children’s book I wasn’t much help, but I did share the basic process for Buddesian hijinks: Imagine a situation, then imagine how Bud would respond to it if he could speak.

The more ridiculous, the better, and I think it’s worked out well, with stories about Buddy getting conned by a Nigerian prince’s cat, the ongoing saga of Los Gatos catnip cartel and the meowfia, Buddy’s disastrous first (and only) term as president of the Americats, and the Budster’s ongoing bromance with the jaguars of the Amazon.

So yes, Le Handsome Club. I could definitely see my cat, who thinks he’s Catdonis and Arnold Schwarzenegger rolled into one, founding a club for really, really, ridiculously good looking cats, to paraphrase Ben Stiller’s Zoolander.