Cats from all walks of life react to news that humans want to join the species.
There have been several controversial stories lately about humans who identify as cats, or want to become cats. Most of them are hoaxes, but you can’t put things past crazy humans. We asked actual cats what they think about the idea.
What do you think?
“Does this mean they’re not going to be our servants anymore?” – Princess Sprinkles, 6, house cat
“I identify as a hulking tiger.” – Tiger, 11, indoor-outdoor menace
“They can identify as Jovian moons for all I care, as long as dinner is still served on time.” – Crispy Cream, 4, house cat
“I say, dear fellow, I should rather think they lack the fur.” – Niles, 10, British cat
“What am I thinking about? I’m thinking about chocolate rivers, candy-coated gumdrops, and Lifesavers made of cheese!” – Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of North American cats
“WATCH ME GO!!! WATCH ME! I’M GONNA RUN FAST NOW!!! YEEEEAAAHHH!” – Mari, 4 months, house kitten
“No, no, it’s totally okay, hang out in my territory as long as you like! I’m just gonna stay behind these walls and thick glass windows here, don’t mind me…”
It’s safe to say kitty isn’t going outside any time soon.
Since we’ve been debating the merits of indoor vs outdoor cats here on Pain In The Bud, perhaps we’ve stumbled on the easiest way to turn outdoor roamers into indoor cuddlers — just invite a bear to take a sniff around your front lawn and make sure your feline friend has a front row seat.
This cat’s expression says it all the first time he sees a bear:
“Oh my God, look at his face!” kitty’s human whispers before comforting the little guy with some strokes on his furry head to let him know all is well and he isn’t in danger.
I’m pretty sure Buddy wouldn’t last as long as this cat. He’d totally kick the bear’s ass and assert dominion over his territory run and hide under the bed, then meow to me in an hour or two to see if it’s safe to come out.
Maximino the Cat figured a good way to get his human’s attention was by singing along with her.
A young opera singer was practicing on a live cast when her cat joined in for an impromptu duet.
Maura, who goes by @maura.music online, seemed annoyed at first when her cat, Maximino, hopped up on the desk and walked between her and the camera.
She opened her mouth and drew breath for the next line, then cackled with delight as Maximino cut in for the second verse:
Maura, who has been involved in opera for about 10 years, told Newsweek the video was recorded “a few years ago.” She posted it online on Aug. 11 and it’s since gone viral.
Maximino “loves music, and the only way I can get him to follow me is by whistling his favorite tunes,” she said.
The Persian is an especially vocal cat who “screams” at Maura when he wants something, which sounds an awful lot like another furry little guy we know.
In a second video recorded after the first one went viral, Maura tells Maximino “you’re famous!” before trading off with him again, with her singing in Italian while he answers in meow:
Meowfioso cats planned the biggest score of their lives, demanding UPS’ entire inventory of boxes.
ATLANTA — A gang of cats led by notorious crime boss “Lucky” Louis Pawtenza surrounded UPS headquarters on Monday, blocking all exits and demanding the company relinquish its inventory of boxes.
With hundreds of his soldiers, capos and mercenaries pointing weaponry at the delivery company’s office building, Pawtenza shouted into a megaphone and listed his demands.
“We want them all! Corrugated, fiber board, triple wall!” he boomed. “Fold-up, telescoping, multi-depth, tubes! Every traditional square box you have! And don’t forget the bubble wrap, or we’ll scent-mark your entire building so badly, it’ll have to be condemned. Don’t think we won’t do it!”
CNN, which is also headquartered in Atlanta, had news helicopters circling the scene of the standoff while a panel of talking heads weighed in on the situation.
“I don’t think [UPS CEO] Carol Tomé has a choice here,” said Jeffrey Tubin’, the network’s legal analyst. “She has to relinquish the boxes. That’s a small price to pay compared to having your HQ defiled by an army of angry cats.”
Cats hardened by a life of crime, like Angelo “The Fish Calzone” Gattacio, have become more bold in recent years as the FBI has turned its focus to terrorism.
Not everyone agreed. On Fox News, The Five co-host Dana Pawrino said UPS “can’t afford to look weak here.”
“If you give in to these demands, you’re only encouraging these cats,” she said. “Who’s to say they won’t show up to FedEx, or God forbid the Postal Service, tomorrow and try the same thing? If you’re a company like W.B. Mason, and you know another company has given in, what do you do? Turn your corporate HQ into a fortress?”
“Dig a moat around your building,” co-host Waldo Rivera said. “Cats won’t go near water.”
In the meantime, Atlanta police were trying to diffuse the situation.
At a makeshift command center, police brass huddled around a digital display of the UPS facility, while a trained hostage negotiator made contact with the meowfiosi.
“Lucky Louis? I’m Sergeant Williams and I’m going to be your negotiating partner today,” a veteran cop spoke into a phone. “What do you say we make a good-faith effort to establish the beginnings of trust here? If you allow five hostages from the UPS building to leave, I’ll have 200 cans of pate and fresh water brought over to you guys. Then we can start talking about how to get what you want, and what we want. Deal?”
Top image credit Dsigns/Redbubble, “Catfather” image via Pinterest, mobster cat via Etsy
Cats don’t accept blame, George Carlin once observed. Even when you catch them red-handed.
A few nights ago I was watching the Yankees lose when Buddy jumped on the coffee table, settled into a loaf position and started doing what he does best — knocking things onto the floor.
Usually it’s remote controls, water bottles, my phone. Usually he has the good sense not to knock over glasses with liquid in them, or plates of food. But not always.
Bud turned, looked me in the eye, meowed and proceeded to swipe a tub of wasabi peas (just the like one pictured above) off the table. The package hit the ground and popped open, spilling the peas and their powdered wasabi coating all over the floor.
“They came down in a big spaceship, and they said ‘Buddy, we’re gonna spill your human’s snacks and then blame it on you!’ And I said ‘No, aliens! Not on my watch!’ But they distracted me with turkey…”
Bud looked at me, trilled, then took off, perhaps put off by the scent of the wasabi.
A few seconds later he returned as I was sweeping them up, trilled again, and looked at me like “What happened, dude? Someone knocked over your wasabi peas? That’s terrible!”
If he could speak — you know, besides his incessant trilling and meowing — the conversation would probably go something like this:
“It was you! You did it!”
“No I didn’t.”
“I watched you do it! You made eye contact with me as you casually slapped them off the coffee table!”
“You’re mistaken. Perhaps it was another cat who looks like me.”
“You’re the only cat who lives here!”
“Then it was a chalupacabra.”
“You mean a chupacabra? Those don’t actually exist, you know. Have you ever heard of Occam’s Razor?”
“Aliens, then. Yeah. Probably aliens. I keep trying to tell you, aliens are responsible for those hairballs. Remember the time you found puke in the bed? That was aliens too. I told them ‘Be gone, aliens! You’re not welcome here!’ but they just can’t help themselves….”
As George Carlin said, “Cats don’t accept blame.” Even when they do things right in front of you, apparently.
Pain In The Bud 