Feline Overlords – Page 21

Thousands Crowd The Catican As Pope Buddy Delivers New Edict

Believers the world over look to His Holiness, Pope Buddy I, for guidance on matters spiritual and gastronomical.

ROME — Thousands of humans and felines crowded St. Bob’s Square on Monday, enduring steady rains and winds so they could witness the newest proclamation from the spiritual leader of all cats.

By late morning the crowd had swelled to an estimated 50,000 according to the Catican News Service. Many held up signs with messages for His Buddyness, while vendors hawked fried Temptations, beef pate tacos and turkey on a stick.

Finally a hush fell over the crowd as two members of the Swedish Guard emerged, opened the double cat flap to the papal balcony and took up positions on either side.

His Holiness himself appeared, resplendent in white vestments and a colorful stole as he waved to the crowd. Well-wishers cheered, whistled and clapped for several minutes before Buddy quieted them by holding up a paw.

“Hark, for the Seventy Second Buddesian Precept shall be revealed to us!” a herald exclaimed.

Buddy spread his paws, leaned into a microphone, and said: “That which can be swiped off of a flat surface must be swiped off of a flat surface.”

A marked silence hung over the crowd for several seconds as onlookers absorbed the wisdom of the cat’s words, then was replaced by a deafening cheer.

“Swipe! Swipe! Swipe!” thousands of felines chanted.

Buddy led the delegation in prayer — “In nomine Pawtris, et felis, et Spiritu Sancti” — then turned and walked back into the peowpal apartments where he planned to meet with prelates over capocollo, mortadella and prosciutto sandwiches with mozzarella and tomatoes.

Just hours after the spiritual leader’s brief remarks, Catolic commentators, theologians and the faithful were abuzz with speculation on the implications of His Holiness’ words.

An icon depicting one of Catolicism’s most celebrated saints, Pope Buddentine XVII. Not to be confused with Pope Buddentine IX, who granted indulgences to the very best chefs, Buddentine XVII was known for ReDelicification of high holidays, placing a firm emphasis where it belongs, on the Lord and all the wonderful foods he created.

The papal proclamation, though laconic in its presentation to the crowd at the Catican, shall be expanded upon and rendered in proper philosophical terms upon the release of Pope Buddy’s forthcoming encyclical, De Significatione Delectamenti, or “On The Significance of Deliciousness,” in which the pope is expected to expound on matters gastronomical as well as spiritual.

“Sandwiches have a special place in His Holiness’ heart, and so he is expected to implore the faithful to ponder the deliciousness of the holiday season,” said Archbishop Felinzio Napoli. “As we look forward to the holidays and celebrate the birth of Christ, let us not forget the meaning of the holiday, nor neglect the flavorful expectations of those who honor it. That means Christmas dinner must be delicious, if it wasn’t obvious.”

Buddy Updates His Dating Profile Pics

Buddy knows what the ladies want.

NEW YORK — Disappointed with the lack of responses to his dating profile, Buddy the Cat updated it on Sunday with “much more accurate and badass” photos of himself.

“These oughta do it,” the gray tabby cat said, laying back with his paws behind his head and his feet up after successfully updating his Meowr profile.

The dating app, which is exclusively for the use of felines, boasts more than 24 million users and saw an influx of new accounts registered over the weekend after a National Cat Day promotion.

A new and “more accurate” cover photo for Buddy’s dating profile on MEOWR.

Disregarding the advice of his human to “just be himself,” Buddy headlined his profile “Catdonis Seeks Super Hot Model Types.” Under a column titled “Describe yourself in a few words,” the model-seeking feline wrote: “Brave, handsome, meowscular, really really funny, an incredible dancer, and the 2023 National Competitive Table-Setting Champion.”

His human spat out his drink.

“Brave? Competitive table-setting champion? What the hell?” he asked, awe-struck.

Buddy rubbed a paw against his fur and matter-of-factly explained what his dumb human was unable to grasp.

“It’s designed to show my artsy and sensitive side,” he said. “Duh. This may come as a surprise to you, but the ladies like a cat who is in touch with his inner artist.”

Big Buddy shot his feline friend a derisive look.

“The only art you’ve made is in your litter box,” he said. “And it’s depressingly apocalyptic.”

Buddy snorted.

“We’ll see who gets the last laugh, human,” he said. “When I roll up to the club with Meowghan Fox or Jennifer Clawrence on my arm, you’ll be super jelly.”

As of Thursday Buddy had received no responses on his profile.

Buddy: ‘Humans Have A Lot To Prove’ After Study Claims They Care More About Dogs

Cats are not amused by the results of the survey by a team from the University of Copenhagen.

Humans are in “deep doo doo” after a study out of Denmark concluded people are more attached to their dogs than to felines, Buddy the Cat warned on Monday.

More than 2,000 dog owners and cat servants were surveyed by a team from the University of Copenhagen.

The researchers used the Lexington Attachment to Pets Scale, or LAPS, which asks yes or no questions like “I consider my pet my best friend” and more specific questions like how much respondents are willing to pay in veterinary costs to save the lives of their pets. The participants — who hailed from the UK, Denmark and Austria — were about evenly split between dog and cat people but were willing to do more for their dogs, the survey found.

While people in the UK were slightly biased toward dogs, Austrians had a more pronounced preference and Danes were much more likely to do things like insure their dogs, consider them family members and pay large veterinary bills. The differences in attitude by country indicate the factors are cultural, according to Peter Sandøe, a bioethicist at the University of Copenhagen and lead author of the paper.

In a statement the Mischievous Enigmatic Overlords of the World (MEOW) called the survey results “deeply troubling” and said they call into question “10,000 years of glorious history in which we have allowed humans to serve us.”

roombacat — Cats are demanding a Roomba for every feline as a basic starting point for negotiations, to be followed by “the real list” of gifts humans must bestow on them.

“It’s going to take a lot [for humans] to get back into our collective good graces after this pathetic showing,” Buddy told reporters during an afternoon press conference.

Asked for specifics, Buddy sighed and leaned forward on the podium.

“The usual extra treats aren’t going to cut it this time,” he warned. “We’re talking Roombas, and not cheap ones. Top end models! We’re talking permission to scratch everything with impunity. Filet mignon! Fresh trout! Little cocktail umbrellas in our bowls and toothpicks in our pate! I’m partial to those little plastic swords, myself. I love those things.”

The mercurial tabby said he’d already warned his own human: “Not a snuggle, not a purr, not a scritch until I start to see some evidence that he’s not among those cold-hearted British, Denmarkians and Australians who claim they love their dogs more.”

budvacation — A vacation to a warm locale where humans serve cat-friendly cocktails “would be a small step toward remediating the insult” of the Copenhagen study’s results, Buddy said. Pictured: An artist’s interpretation of Buddy enjoying a tropical vacation.

Told the study included Austrians, not Australians, Buddy waved a paw dismissively.

“Whatever,” he said. “The country where people say g’day mate and gave us Arnold Schwarzenegger. Same difference.”

Told that Austria and Australia are on two entirely different continents, Buddy fixed the reporter with a hard stare.

“Do you want to be on our shit list too? Because I can assure you, Miss Journalist, I can poop in a pair of high heels just as easily as a pair of Adidas.”

Reached for comment on Monday, Man’s Best Friend spokesman Buster the Beagle said he hopes the survey results mean humans approve of canines.

“We’re good boys, right?” he asked. “Is that what this means? Because we really want to be good boys!”

Update: Buddy Is Doing Well!

Budd’s feeling much better and he’s back to his usual Buddinese antics!

Name: Buddy the Cat
Date: Oct. 13, 2023
Status: Very handsome

I just wanted to post what I hope will be the last update regarding Buddy’s recent illness and let everyone know that he’s doing very well, hasn’t had an incident since he got sick again on Sunday, and is back to his old antics.

I couldn’t be more thrilled. The little guy is energetic, talking all the time again and even pestering me for treats, which means his appetite has recovered as well, thanks in no small part to the prayers and support from all of you.

Dr. Buddy — “It is my professional opinion, as an expert in meowdicine, that I should be put on a regimen of regular snacks to, uh, recover my snackolyte levels and help balance my catesterol. This script says you should feed me moist treats in the afternoon, a post-dinner treat of crunchies, and a late night snack of my choosing. It’s very important that you don’t skip a dose!”

It’s still not clear exactly what happened, and hopefully I get a clearer picture of Bud’s overall health via a regular veterinary appointment.

In the meantime I’m glad to have my best friend back, and I’m especially thankful the ordeal is over for both of us. It was very frustrating to see him so clearly suffering and having no way to help him except trying to comfort him and giving him catnip, which worked surprisingly well to soothe his stomach. (If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, which I hope you do not, and your cat doesn’t typically eat catnip, try putting some in a pill pocket or finding another way to get kitty to eat it. All the online literature says it works best if ingested.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, Bud wants to nap and he’s demanding a lap to sleep on…

buddyoct2023_cropped — “Time to be my sleeping substrate, human. If you need to use the bathroom, go now, for I plan to sleep at least four hours.”

Buddy The Cat: Adopting A Human Was The 579th Best Thing I Ever Did!

Training your new human will take time but it’s totally worth it, Buddy says.

Sure, humans can be frustrating. They’re loud, lumbering beasts and they look funny with their bizarre two-legged gait, always teetering around as if they could fall on their weird, furless faces any second.

They’re woefully incompetent when it comes to reading whisker and tail, their noses are dead and they stubbornly refuse to learn the simple language of territorial marking. Even kittens can do that!

Because they’re not very smart and their senses are laughably blunted, we felines have to do most of the hard work and communicate with humans the only way they know how: by making otherworldly warbling noises with their mouths and vocal cords.

It’s a ridiculous way to communicate and you’ll feel like a fool, but unfortunately it’s the only way to get them to respond to demands and directions. Just go with it.

Humans are convinced these arbitrary sounds have deep meaning, so it helps if you vary your tone and inflect some emotion into your warbling. You’ll know you’ve been successful when they stop to ponder your meaning, trying to work out in their slow, limited minds what you’re trying to communicate. It doesn’t even matter what you “say,” really. They’ll decide it means something.

Despite the limitations of these simple creatures, many of them can be gentle giants and they’re easily manipulated. Roll onto your back, pull your paws up beneath your chin, fix them with a wide-eyed stare and squeak out a little “mew, mew!” then watch their hearts melt. They’ll serve you food in no time!

There’s no doubt about it, adopting a human has been the 579th greatest decision I’ve made in my life!

When you adopt your human, don’t expect them to transform into your butler, maid and personal chef overnight. It takes time and lots of repetition to properly train them.

But once you do, there’s nothing like the life of a house cat! Your meals are served with the precision of Swiss trains, because your humans will know there’s hell to pay if they’re late. You’ll be nice and cozy in the winters and comfortably cool in the summers. Your territory will be well protected with strong, human-built barriers preventing strange felines and interlopers of various mammalian forms from intruding. You’ll have your pick of comfortable napping spots, and if you properly train your human, you’ll have a nice, soft, secure lap spot where body heat is abundant and service is never more than a meow away, because your human can’t go anywhere while you’re sleeping on them.

In fact they’ll postpone the call of nature, allow their limbs to go numb and endure uncomfortable positions just to avoid disturbing you! LOL! I like to sit on my human’s chest as close as possible to his face so his nose is buried in the fur on my flank, then see how long it takes for him to choose breathing over my comfort. LOL!

However I must warn you, my friends, about one disturbing human tendency that can pose a problem. As a species they are hopelessly addicted to glowing rectangles of varying sizes — some small enough to fit into the pads of their furless paws, and some big enough to dominate the family nap room. They just stare at the big ones, but with the small rectangles they can sit there for hours poking at them. They just poke, poke, poke with their paws, sometimes making weird expressions with their faces, sometimes giving off interesting pheromones.

If your human is susceptible to falling into the glowing rectangle trance, you’ll have to develop strategies to break them out of it. And don’t make the mistake of stealing the little glowing rectangles. I tried that once and my human stopped all other activity to look for it, becoming increasingly frantic. My dinner was late, my nap was interrupted as my human flipped over couch pillows and looked under furniture. It was a disaster.

In my next column, we’ll talk about caring for your human, the importance of regularly grooming them, and your responsibility to supervise their bowel movements. Humans are high-maintenance pets and they get clingy if you don’t give them enough attention.

But in the meantime, I hope I’ve convinced you that adopting a human is a major net positive!