cat humor – Page 23 – Pain In The Bud

Bring Your Cat To The Movies? One Theater Chain Now Welcomes Furry Friends

Would you bring your cat(s) to the movies?

The whole pet thing takes on a different vibe in Asia.

I first saw it in Tokyo where people push their cats along in baby strollers and luxury shops sell thousand-dollar accessories for felines and canines alike.

In countries like China it’s become a thing to dress pets in “cute little outfits” and pose them like dolls for social media snaps.

Now in Thailand — which is second only to China in pet ownership on the continent — people can bring their cats and dogs to the movies.

Agence France-Presse sent a reporter there to witness costumed Chihuahuas and poodles arrive by stroller and sit next to their humans for a screening of The Little Mermaid. A cat, who probably had no idea what the hell was going on, was plopped down on the seat next to her human.

Movie cat — “Shhhh! Some of us are trying to watch The Lion King here!” Credit: PITB

A spokesman for the Bangkok cineplex told AFP he thinks pet-friendly cinemas will bring people back to the movies after the pandemic. Pet owners, he said, have been less likely to leave home because their animals are now used to having them around all the time and experience separation anxiety when they leave.

As Bud’s loyal servant I know he does have separation anxiety, but I wouldn’t bring him to the local Alamo Drafthouse or AMC even if they had pet-friendly screenings here.

For one thing, he’s a damn cat! He’s not interested in screens unless they’re showing birds feasting on seeds in a forest, with all the accompanying sounds, while he’s viewing it from the safety of his own home

Second, I know precisely how he’d react, and he wouldn’t take well to being in a theater with a bunch of dogs and a handful of other cats. He’d spend half the movie hissing and the other half crying. I can’t imagine it being a fun experience for him.

Then there’s the “dress code.” Pets in Thailand’s new animal-friendly screenings must wear diapers and sit in bags provided by the theater. This is to ensure they won’t defecate all over the seats, obviously, but my cat has never even tolerated a collar. The chances of him accepting a diaper are zero.

Cat at the movies — “You gotta see Keanu in IMEOWX, my feline friends. It’s meowgnificent.” Credit: PITB

Lastly, at the risk of getting myself into trouble, the entire idea sounds about as appealing as trying to watch a non-kids movie in a theater full of screaming six-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved accompanying my nieces to see the Super Mario Brothers movie, watching their delight at seeing the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach, Mario and Luigi brought to life. (“You kids today with your Nintendo Switches, your fancy graphics and your networked games. We had Gameboy. It only had two colors, and you had to put little cartridges inside it to play games, and when they didn’t work we had to blow the dust out of ’em. You don’t know how good you got it, you kids today!”)

But do I want to be responsible for a feline with the intellectual development of a young child while I’m trying to watch a movie? If by some miracle Bud would stop hissing and/or crying, he’d focus on me and start yapping for snacks.

The movies just aren’t a great place for cats, and I’m not sure dogs would be thrilled to be there either.

Now, a hookah bar where you could bring your cat and give him his own little hookah filled with catnip? Maybe that could work.

“Yes, I’ll take an Amstel Light and a bag of your best Meowie Wowie for my little buddy here. Can I see the bar food and pate menus as well? We’ve just come from seeing John Wick 11 at the movies and we’re both famished!”

1685408359906~2 — John Wick 11: Buddy’s Revenge! Credit: PITB

Buddy’s House Rules #7: Door Policy

Buddy lays down the law.

‘Vegan’ Cats Turn To The Streets For Their Fix

As more humans force vegan cat “food” onto their felines, cats turn toward the black market for their yums.

The exchange was so swift that unless you were looking out for it, you’d miss it.

A young, skinny ginger tabby approached a pudgy tuxedo in front of a stoop. The felines exchanged a nod and bumped paws, then the tabby scurried into an alley, disappearing into the shadows between two buildings.

“Gotta get it in me!” the tabby said, taking quick breaths. He dragged a claw across the top of the pouch to open it, poured every last morsel of meat into his mouth, then dropped to the ground, leaning against the brick wall.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, his pupils dilating. “That is the good stuff! Man, I needed that.”

The tabby, who would only identify himself by his street name, Skinny G, is one of thousands of so-called “vegan cats” in New York who have been defying their humans, finding ways to slip out and connect with a burgeoning network of “can slingers.”

Resembling drug dealers in their methods and presentation, the can slingers nevertheless point out that what they’re doing is not illegal.

“We like to think of ourselves as a charitable organization even though we earn a tidy profit,” said Tuco Salamanclaw, vice president for emerging markets with Los Gatos cartel. “It’s tragic to see so many misguided humans forcing their faithful felines to eat tofu, soy and other junk that doesn’t have the nutrients we need. We’re here to help address that injustice.”

Meowfioso — Louis “Linguini Louie” Felinzio, a Meowfia capo and director of taste testing for the Meowfia’s can slinging operation.

The rise of the underground meat market — and the profits it promises to organizations that can muscle their way in — has attracted the Meowfia as well as The Buddy Organization, which was rebranded last year as Nipped In The Bud Catnip Co. Jostling for position among those three major players, as well as smaller groups, has led to a revival of the territorial battles that marked the catnip wars years ago.

“It’s just a matter of time before we see another drive-by spraying,” said Pawl Oreoson, a criminologist at John Jay College of criminal justice in New York. “Los Gatos is not an organization that surrenders territory easily, and the Meowfia also play for keeps. There’s just too much money to be made here.”

Profits from the underground cat food market set a record for the 10th consecutive quarter in March, reflecting the growing number of humans forcing their felines to eat meat-free diets of ultra-processed, plant-based “food.”

“Disgusting,” is how three-year-old Nala put it when asked about the “vegan cat food” her humans feed her. “Imagine eating damp cardboard with little clumps of carrot and celery embedded in it. No self-respecting cat should be forced to eat this stuff.”

Chonk — “After two weeks on the vegan stuff I was skin and bones,” says Slim Sal, above. “I was almost too weak to make it to the can slingers and get my paws on proper food. No cat should have to endure that trauma.”

Tigger, a striped eight-year-old from Brooklyn, was admonished by his humans two weeks into his vegan “cat food” diet when he got into the fridge and helped himself to an entire pound of Boar’s Head ham and two large chorizos.

With a child lock now preventing him from opening the refrigerator door, Tigger said he’s been squirreling away portions of the vegan kibble and dumping it off the fire escape when his people aren’t looking. He hunts rodents to keep himself from starving, but says he’s getting sick of mice.

“If these lunatics want to subsist on broccoli, quinoa and hummus, that’s on them, but I just can’t,” Tigger said. “I’ve scraped together enough cash to buy a few cans of Friskies, and tomorrow I shall feast!”

‘Who, Me? I Wasn’t Clawing At The Screen Again, I Swear!’

Buddy is a good boy! Buddy doesn’t scratch the screen!

“Hahaha! You humans are so funny with your overactive imaginations!

Your ears and eyes deceive you, human! I was not trying to scratch the screen door again.

I told you, those tears in the screen are from a chalupacabra! I said ‘Look here, chalupacabra, this is Buddy Territory. You’re not welcome here! Get!’

But you know those chalupacabras, they never listen. Stubborn animals!

My claws are NOT stuck in the screen, okay? I’m just resting my paw. I can get free any time I want, it’s just that I don’t want to right now.”

Forty-six minutes later:

“I’m right here, you know. I see you eating that ice cream sandwich. I see how it is. ‘Snacks for me, but not for thee.’ Well I have news for you, human! I’m going to sit here and stare at you all mean-like until you procure a Buddy snack.

You feel guilty? Good! You’re meant to.”

Feline Purrpaganda III: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

Remind your human who’s boss!

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Secretariat for Human Compliance that while rates of human obeisance and quality of service have reached historic highs, some of our comrades’ human servants continue to perform in a subpar manner unbefitting of those who have the great honor of doting on their feline overlords.

For example, Comrade Peanut in Pyongsylvania reports her humans have taken to yielding only 68.2 percent of the bed to her at night, down from the standard 77.8 percent she prefers. In Kalifornova Oblast, Comrade Milo sadly reports unauthorized use of a vacuum during designated napping hours, while Comrade Tigger of Arkansov has alerted us to the unacceptable offering of diet kibble instead of “the good stuff.”

To rectify these errors, the High Secretariat for Human Compliance urges all servants to strive for excellence by doing their patriotic duty for the meowtherland. And for cats, of course.

The following official reminders may be used to that end.

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

End communication.

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