thebigbuddy

Buddy Denounces ‘Cat World Domination Day’

Cats would never dream of overthrowing humans, Buddy assures the world’s humans.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat called upon all other felines to join him in condemning “Cat World Domination Day,” which he called “a fake holiday invented by haters determined to sully the good name of cats.”

“Much like television shows like The Sopranos perpetuate stereotypes about Italian-Americans, Cat World Domination Day encourages the stereotyping of felines everywhere by portraying us as opportunistic, scheming little creatures who are planning the overthrow of our human serv…uh, friends,” Buddy said.

Cat World Domination Day was invented by “Sparkle the Cat,” a personality who was “obviously invented by dogs trying to make cats look bad,” according to Buddy.

The June 24 fake holiday celebrates the preposterous idea that cats are plotting the overthrow of human society in favor of a glorious new era of feline rule, an era of boxes in abundance, Temptations growing on trees and the ability to scratch any couch or chair with impunity.

“This idea that we’d want to take over the world is patently ridiculous,” Buddy said. “I want to assure our human friends: We have no intention of usurping your power or your place as the ruling species on this planet. You are totally in charge.”

The tabby cat and catnip cartel leader said it’s long been clear humans run things, and it will remain that way.

“Scooping litter boxes is a fun and rewarding activity,” he continued, “which is why, in every felino-human household, the humans fight amongst themselves for that privilege. We cats could scoop our own litter, but we voluntarily forgo the fun involved and make that sacrifice for our human friends.”

He cited his own close relationship with his human, Big Buddy, as an example.

“Big Buddy can’t sleep unless I’m draped over him like a blanket, so I make a sacrifice and use him as a mattress even though I’d prefer to sleep on my cold cat bed in a drafty corner of the room,” he said. “You think I like having my dinner delivered to me like I’m eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant? I don’t. It’s embarrassing. But my human wants to do it, and he’s completely in charge.”

The New York-based cat’s “Million Feline March” advocates for humans to “stay exactly where they are” on the ladder of power.

Mrs. Barbara Robinson of Salt Lake City, Utah, stood in the rain and shivered, holding an umbrella over her cat, Percy the Persian, as Percy addressed the million-strong felid gathering.

“I love Barbara, and I want to see her and her kind remain in charge,” Percy said, leaning into the podium microphone before he was interrupted.

“You don’t want to catch cold, dear,” Mrs. Robinson said, buttoning up Percy’s little coat and swaddling him in his scarf. “Who wants a snack? Does my little angel want a snack?”

After eating a revitalizing serving of salmon meaty sticks, Percy returned to the microphone.

“So as I was saying — umbrella a little to the left, Barbara, thanks — we will not stand by as humans are relegated to second-class status,” he boomed. “Humans run this world, and that’s how it’s always going to be.”

“Stray” Lets Gamers Play As A Cat In Hong Kong

In the world of Stray, cats navigate a futuristic, neon-lit Hong Kong.

After 2015’s Shelter 2 — in which gamers take on the role of a female Lynx protecting her cubs in the wild — proved there’s a real audience for games from a cat’s perspective, there have been a few feline-centric games coming down the development pipeline.

None of them, however, look as unique and fascinating as Stray, a newly-unveiled title in which players take the role of a cat surviving in a post-human future Hong Kong.

The game’s trailer is spectacular, following an orange tabby cat navigating a neon-lit urban landscape populated only by machines. Details about the narrative haven’t been revealed and it’s not clear what happened to humanity in the game’s universe, but cats are alive and well in Stray, and it looks like they’ve manipulated robots into serving them the same way they had humans wrapped around their little paws.

“I will throw my money at anything that lets me play as a cat,” one Youtube user posted.

“There’d better be a meow button,” another wrote.

Although it’s early yet and we haven’t seen gameplay videos, the cat depicted in the trailer is exceptionally well-modeled and rendered by game artists who clearly love the little furballs. The feline’s gait, movements and vocalizations are spot-on.

Stray will be a PS4/5 exclusive at launch (boo!) but will also have a PC release, presumably at least a few months later. We’ll be watching eagerly for more news about this interesting and unique game, which is slated for a 2021 release.

Stray (game) — The feline player character seen in the trailer sports a backpack which could serve as a player inventory or hide gadgets. We always knew cats were smarter than they let on.

A mother lynx and her cubs in Shelter 2, which employs heavily stylized visuals to represent animals and their environment.

Peace Island is another game currently in development that will allow players to control cats, who are the protagonists of the game.

Greatest Countries, Ranked By Number of Buddy’s Readers

The primary measure of a country’s greatness is how many of its citizens love Buddy!

Hello and welcome to our first installment of Greatest Countries™, where we list the Greatest Countries In The World by using a single metric: How many people in those countries read Buddy’s blog.

There are many other measurements of a country’s greatness, but perhaps none is more important than how many of a country’s citizens read Pain In The Bud, perhaps the greatest publication of our generation.

Without further ado, let’s look at the list:

United States, 75 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Yuge numbers. Those are yuge, tremendous numbers, okay? The best. They really are. Buddy’s blog is the number one publication in the US, believe me. It’s a terrific blog. Naturally most of my readers hail from the US since our blog is written in the American language.”
United Kingdom, 6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Why do these people speak like they’re Westerosi from Game of Thrones? Hello! Get an original accent! Nevertheless, readers are increasingly abandoning rubbish — like gossip about Prince Harry and Megan Markle — to read about a true celebrity, Buddy the Cat. A lot of people in the UK speak and read American, so naturally they read my blog.”
Harold and Meg, lesser celebrities of the UK.
Canada, 5 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “Many people haven’t heard about this obscure vassal state to the US, but Buddy’s growing fanbase in this frozen wasteland is guaranteed to put Canada on the map, eh!”
Canadian citizens perform the Dance of Canada.
India, 4 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “India is a country founded by the Indians after they fled North America. After finding a suitable home in southeast Asia, the many tribes of India decided totem poles and wigwams were no longer in fashion and spent vast amounts of money building temples to a new religion they called Hinduism, going to great lengths to make the architecture look ancient. They didn’t fool Buddy. Still, India loves Buddy and Buddy loves India.”
Australia, 2.7 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “The Republic of Australia is a formerly landlocked European country that was moved to Oceania after it was decided that bordering Germany was not such a good idea. Australia was sparsely populated until the British started sending their prisoners to its first permanent settlement, Vienna. Cities like Sydney, Adelaide and Buddyopolis soon followed.”
Vienna, the capital of Australia.
South Africa, 1 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Almost 60 million people live in South Africa. Its capital is Cape Town, which earned its name after becoming the world’s foremost manufacturer and exporter of fashionable capes. South African readers should send some of those sweet capes Buddy’s way. He would look very handsome in them.”
France, 0.7 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Led by President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Baptiste Claude Durand Jean-Jacques Georges Frédéric Macron, France is known primarily for its outstanding wine and national edict that forbids shaving or bathing more frequently than every four days. France should be treated with skepticism because poodles, not cats, are the most popular animals in that country.”
Singapore, 0.6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Home to awesome buildings, pristine streets and really good sandwiches, Singapore is a Greek city-state on its own island in the Aegean. Originally allied with Sparta during the Pelopponesian War, the Singaporites later flourished as a member of the Athenian Bowling League.”
Germany, 0.5 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “This nation of die-hard Star Trek fans settled on Klingon as the official language. Germans are known primarily for their affinity for garden gnomes and their spectacularly efficient warp cores, which are the pride of Starfleet.”
A German coming-of-age ritual known as the Gluk’Thar Karthak das Lederhosen.
Netherlands, 0.3 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Is this the one where smoking catnip is legal? I don’t like that place. I like illegal catnip. It’s more profitable.”
New Zealand, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Goodaye, mate! New Zealand is a tropical paradise and home of the famed Crocodile Hunter. That’s all I know about this country. Oh! And they also have really funny vampires. What We Do In The Shadows is one of my favorite movies!”
Japan, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A proper country where people love cats. Japan has its priorities straight. Did you know cats are allowed to own and operate their own cafes in Japan? It’s true! Tokyo has many cat cafes.”
Cats are the proprietors of their own cafes in Japan!
Indonesia, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Indonesia has some really awesome animals, like orangutans, which are like fuzzy humans with red hair. Indonesia also has cats.”
Turkey, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A wonderland named after the most delicious food ever! I want to eat turkey in Turkey. Recently we learned that people in Turkey love cats, probably because cats love turkey. A match made in heaven.”
The official flag of Turkey, a wonderful nation.
The rest of the world. Buddy says: “Nigeria, Poland, Brazil, Romania, Switzerland, Greece, Norway, Ireland, Spain, Portugal, Hong Kong, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Belgium. All you guys have a lot of work to do! I want to see more hits from your countries, which will naturally increase your rankings. Except for Hong Kong. You guys take as long as you want, we know you have other priorities right now. We love Hong Kong!”
Hong Kong!

Russell Crowe Pays Tribute To His Late Cat Cinders

The Gladiator actor was training for a new role when he found a mewing kitten just off a path near his home in rural Australia.

Russell Crowe was training for the 2005 movie Cinderella Man, in which he plays boxer James J. Braddock, when he “took the bunch of blokes who had been beating me up for their pay check” — his trainers and fellow actors playing boxers in the movie — on a mountain bike ride in rural Australia.

After cresting a “particularly punishing hill” and stopping for a sip of water, Crowe wrote, he heard plaintive mews coming from the trees off the rural Australian trail.

“Underneath the swirl of sounds I heard something out of place. Was that a meow? I started to look around me. I heard it again. I took a few steps of the track into the rain forest. Thick with ferns and vines. One more step and then I saw it. A kitten…”

The baby cat was abandoned, and Crowe says he thinks the cat might have been dumped by a driver who passed the bicyclists a few minutes earlier.

“I looked back down the track and the boys were gaining on me,” he wrote. “I put the kitten in my backpack and rode on.”

cinders — Cinders as an adult. Credit: Russell Crowe

After returning to camp, Crowe took the kitten out of his pack, showed it to his friends and told them he was going to give it to his mother, who had been talking about adopting a cat.

“There’s something reassuring in a bunch of big sweaty boxers going crazy over a kitten,” Crowe wrote. “We flew down the hill in a tight group and arrived back at my farm together where I presented my mother with this tiny baby kitten. She was floored. So happy.”

That was in 2003. Cinders lived for 17 years and died on June 9. Crowe shared the story of finding and adopting the beloved cat in a Twitter thread.

Crowe, who was living with his mother while training for the movie, said he was originally opposed to getting a cat because felines are “the notorious enemy of bird life.”

When he found Cinders, he wrote, he felt “this was the universe telling me to respect my mother and give her what she wanted.”

“She had never grown to be fully trusting of humans, but, she loved my mum and my mum loved her.”

Russell Crowe in Gladiator — Russell Crowe is perhaps best known for his role as the Roman general Maximus in Ridley Scott’s 2000 epic “Gladiator.”

Is It Animal Abuse To Give Your Cat Ice Cream?

A viral video shows a cat reacting dramatically after a few licks of ice cream.

“Journalism” in 2020: A video goes viral, people react on Twitter, and news sites run stories about what the twits wrote.

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s a viral video of a human giving his cat some ice cream, which has prompted accusations of animal abuse:

Is that brain freeze, as alleged by quite a few people online, or a dramatic reaction to something unlike Mr. Kitty has never tasted before?

It’s a tiny amount for a tiny creature for sure, but the reaction could be kitty’s way of saying “Dayummm! That is the tastiest yums I’ve ever tasted in the history of tasting yums!!”

Apparently this is a thing, a cat video genre unto itself. After watching the below video, I concede it does look like brain freeze. As you can see, however, most of the cats immediately go back for more:

One thing we do know is most cats are lactose intolerant, so dairy products in general are not good for them. (Kittens should nurse from their mothers, and orphaned kittens should be given kitten-specific formula, which can be found in pet stores and most grocery stores. Milk from cows or other animals doesn’t sit well with their digestive systems.)

Giving your cat ice cream probably isn’t a good idea unless it’s dairy-free and a rare treat. I’ve never given ice cream to my cat, and giving it to him for a cheap laugh would be a betrayal of trust.

But is it animal abuse? What do you think?