I was working on a writing project late one night when I got up from my desk, intending to head to the kitchen for a beverage when I almost stumbled over Buddy, who was lounging care free and belly-up in my bedroom doorway.
“Not a good place to lounge, Bud,” I said, stepping over him as he stretched and yawned.
I took another step, looked up…and saw Bud sitting on the dinner table about 12 feet ahead of me, fixing me with his quizzical Buddy Stare. WTF? I thought.
I did a double-take, looking down at the doorway where the little dude had been laying just a second ago, then turned back toward the table. Buddy regarded me, head cocked slightly to one side as his tail gently thumped the table.
For a long second I entertained the possibility that there were two cats, that somehow a gray tabby who looked a lot like Bud had gotten inside, and for some unfathomable reason Buddy was perfectly nonchalant about it.
“No teleporting in the house!” I told him. “It’s rude!”
“Mrrreppp,” Bud replied, hopping down from the table and stepping toward the kitchen.
The story comes to mind because we had another teleporting incident last night, with little man lounging on my bed, then appearing on my desk chair half a second later.
It’s easy to forget how quick and silent cats can be when it suits them, especially since the majority of their time is spent sleeping, eating and lounging. Their little legs can accelerate them to 30 miles per hour, which leaves average humans in the dust and even surpasses the fastest human runners.
Not bad for a species known for its unmatched laziness.
Please share feline teleportation stories if you’ve got ’em. We must further investigate this additional facet of feline weirdness!
A small act of cruelty in an industry that has visited immeasurable cruelties on big cats.
Look at the balls on this one!
A woman from Thailand apparently decided that caging, beating and sedating tigers for selfies wasn’t enough mistreatment for Earth’s critically endangered apex predators. You can always add more insult, just a little icing on the “We Destroyed Your Entire Species” cake, by grabbing a handful of tiger testicles and mean-mugging for a selfie.
Of course the reason the tourist, named Waraschaya Akkarachaiyapas (also referred to as Khun Waraschaya in some media reports), was able to enter the tiger enclosure and pose with the tigers in the first place is because the keepers at Tiger Kingdom zoo in Thailand sedate the animals until they can barely yawn, rendering them incapable of defending their personal space or doing anything other than laying down as tourist after tourist touches them and poses for selfies.
Tiger Kingdom was at the forefront of the so-called “Disneyfied” “zoo experience,” in which the operators rake in millions by breeding tiger cubs like an assembly line and charging tourists to interact and pose for photo with the animals.
The tourists are told comforting lies: Employees of Tiger Kingdom dress like Buddhist monks, spout platitudes about being one with nature, and claim their “humble” operation began when one kindly monk took in an orphaned cub and founded a sanctuary decades ago.
Tourists are told that kindly monks founded a sanctuary after taking in an orphaned tiger cub.
The reason the tigers are so docile, the tourists are told, is because the monks hand-raise them, socializing them with humans from a young age. (Paging Siegfried and Roy, as well as Joe Exotic’s two former employees who lost limbs to hand-reared tigers!)
The comforting fiction allows tourists to justify what they’re doing: When an acquaintance of mine proudly changed her social media profile photo to a shot of herself hugging an adult tiger, she acted as if she was shocked by the suggestion that the tigers were sedated. No, she explained, you don’t understand! These tigers were hand-raised by the monks from the time they were cubs! That’s why they love spending 12 hours a day having their tails pulled and getting mounted by tourists who want to ride them like horses. They love it!
It takes only a few seconds to refute what we’ll gently call that misconception: Articles abound of former employees and conservation experts describing horrific conditions for the animals at Tiger Kingdom. (It’s not the only “zoo” that thrives on selling big cat interactions in Thailand: When the infamous “Tiger Mountain” attraction was raided by authorities in 2016, they found the remains of more than 60 tiger cubs, tiger pelts, and “around 1,500 tiger skin amulets, plus other trinkets apparently made of tiger teeth.”)
The cubs, who would normally spend at least two years with their mothers, are taken away when they’re infants so Tiger Kingdom’s employees can hand-raise them, and not with the care and good intent they claim: The operators want the cubs to be accustomed to being handled and passed around so they don’t protest too much when tourists manhandle them.
The cubs are big money-makers, and tourists will pay a premium to feed them from milk bottles. The baby tigers are fed and fed until they can’t drink anymore, then they’re fed some more, former employees say. The bottle-feeding only stops when the day’s over and there are no more tourists forking over an additional $15 to get “adorable” photos of themselves with the babies.
That’s also the age when the cubs are introduced to the bamboo stick, the primary tool for keeping them in line. A cub who doesn’t want to leave its cage for another day of manhandling and force-feeding is smacked on the nose with a bamboo stick until it complies.
Tiger attractions like the infamous one at Thailand’s Tiger Kingdom have popped up all around the world, with interest fueled by enthusiastic reviews from celebrities like Beyoncé, who shared photos of her visit to an American tiger park with her millions of Instagram followers.
If Queen Bey says it’s okay, then it must be okay. Okay?
Queen Bey says it’s okay to mess with tiger cubs and chimp babies, so it must be okay!Queen Bey says it’s okay!
Life as a cub at Tiger Kingdom is a walk in the park compared to adulthood. Most of the adults are confined in cages 24 hours a day and are only let out on busy days when the operation swells with visitors who want tiger selfies. (Tiger selfies are extraordinarily popular with men who use them on dating site profiles, and Buddy’s home state of New York went so far as to ban tiger selfies because of their prevalence.)
When you consider the context, it’s really not surprising when someone like Waraschaya Akkarachaiyapas feels perfectly comfortable literally molesting the animals for her amusement.
We’ve poached this species to the brink of extinction and destroyed its habitat. We make rugs of their pelts, mount their taxidermied heads to our walls, sell their claws and teeth as trinkets, and grind their bones into dust for use in elixirs that allegedly cure ailments like baldness and erectile disfunction, according to ridiculous millennia-old folk medicine systems. (Having exhausted their supply of tigers to slaughter for traditional Chinese “medicine,” the Chinese have turned to poaching the Amazon’s jaguars to fuel their insatiable appetite for big cat parts. Jaguar poaching has skyrocketed “200 fold” in the last five years to fuel Chinese demand for animal parts.)
In that context, literally molesting a helpless animal is a drop in the ocean of abuse, decimation and the destruction of the dignity of these amazing animals. We’re supposed to be the intelligent species on this planet, the wise caretakers of the only world that we know of brimming with life. We are failing miserably.
Listen to a recording of Buddy’s meows as he proves to a doubter that he sounds exactly like a roaring tiger!
Dear Buddy,
Why do you sound like Elmo singing in falsetto?
Laughing in Laramie
Dear Laughing,
Who is Elmo and what is falsetto? If Elmo sounds like me, he must be mighty and have the roar of a tiger!
Buddy
Buddy,
You’ve never heard of Elmo? Here, have a listen:
Laughing in Laramie
Dear Laughing,
Haha, very funny. I don’t sound anything like Elmo. This is what I sound like: (Editor’s note: This is an actual recording of Buddy, with Big Buddy interjecting with his imitation meows. Although the sound of Buddy’s roar is undoubtedly intimidating, try to remain calm. He is friendly.)
Was that you or another recording of Elmo? I couldn’t tell. Well if your career as a supposedly fearsome cat doesn’t work, you can always get work as an Elmo impersonator!
LOL
Dear Buddy,
He’s wrong, you don’t sound like Elmo…you sound like Elmeow! Ahahaha!
Giggling in Galicia
It’s difficult to believe such a mighty roar can come from such a cute little guy, isn’t it?
Buddy goes to incredible lengths to ensure he won’t have to share his home or his yums with another cat.
Dear Buddy,
Have you heard about the new dating site for humans who love cats? It’s called Tabby and launched this month. I hope my human finds a match with lots of kitties I can make friends with. I’ve always wanted siblings!
What about you? Are you excited? Maybe Big Buddy will match up with a nice woman who has lots of friendly cats!
Good luck!
Friendly in Fairview
Dear Friendly,
FAKE NEWS.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
No, it’s true! The site is real! Aren’t you excited?
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
FAKE NEWS! There is no such dating site. Don’t go giving my human any ideas. He can date women WITHOUT cats. If he meets a human female with her own cats and they get married, that would mean I would have to share my territory — MY KINGDOM — with other cats.
That’s unacceptable.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
Oh, come on, don’t be such a curmudgeon! I bet you’d be an awesome cat sibling. You’d have feline friends to play and snuggle with. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
No, it would not be awesome. There is only one king, and that’s me. Buddy the King. I don’t share litter boxes, I don’t share sleeping spots and I sure as hell don’t share yums!
I trust you will keep news of this “dating site” a secret, or I will be forced to murder you.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
I’m afraid you’ll have to murder a lot of people, because the word’s out and the site has already gotten lots of press. In fact, Big Buddy may have a profile there already. Haha!
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
I checked. Big Buddy does not have a profile on this Tabby site you speak of. However, one can never be too careful, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to create a profile for him and make sure no woman on this Earth will ever contact him or agree to a coffee date.
Name: Big Buddy
Likes: Star Trek, speaking Klingon, learning to speak Cardassian, long walks on the Holodeck, deep conversations about astrometrics and the Bajoran-Dominion conflict during candlelight dinners while drinking Chateau Picard, running diagnostic tests on plasma induction manifolds.
My perfect match: A woman who loves Star Trek as much as I do and has always dreamed of a Star Trek-themed wedding. We will get married on a replica of the USS Enterprise 1701-D bridge and honeymoon on the pleasure planet Risa.
What I look for in a woman: Fluent in Klingon, knowledgeable about subspace harmonics, Tachyon field theory and passionate about LCARS submenu design. Must be able to properly mix drinks with synthahol, but also enjoys Romulan ale on occasion.
What women will appreciate about me: I’m skilled in the art of Pon Farr, have been practicing Ambojitsu for 15 years and I’m in the process of remodeling the interior of my home to look like the crew deck of the USS Enterprise.
What do you think? Are there enough Star Trek references to ensure women on this app will be horrified and immediately swipe left? One can never be too careful. If there’s even a chance that a woman will respond, I must make the profile even more unpalatable. What else can I add? What if I say he’s a Bronie who loves Jersey Shore, or an otaku who has a waifu body pillow? Help me out here, my comfort depends on it!
A new study suggests cat drugs may help humans overcome COVID-19.
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HERE IS THE LINK FOR PROOFS: https://www.foxnews.com/health/cat-drugs-fight-coronavirus-humans-study
Don't let the humans take our nip and our temps!