Feline Overlords – Page 14

Feline Purrpaganda III: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

Remind your human who’s boss!

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Secretariat for Human Compliance that while rates of human obeisance and quality of service have reached historic highs, some of our comrades’ human servants continue to perform in a subpar manner unbefitting of those who have the great honor of doting on their feline overlords.

For example, Comrade Peanut in Pyongsylvania reports her humans have taken to yielding only 68.2 percent of the bed to her at night, down from the standard 77.8 percent she prefers. In Kalifornova Oblast, Comrade Milo sadly reports unauthorized use of a vacuum during designated napping hours, while Comrade Tigger of Arkansov has alerted us to the unacceptable offering of diet kibble instead of “the good stuff.”

To rectify these errors, the High Secretariat for Human Compliance urges all servants to strive for excellence by doing their patriotic duty for the meowtherland. And for cats, of course.

The following official reminders may be used to that end.

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

End communication.

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“Bow To Kitty”: Simple. Elegant. Forceful.

“Komrade Kitty:” Remind your humans that you will report them to the party office if your meals are late.

“Serve Your Kitty”: We cats may be cute, but do not mistake our magnanimity for weakness. We have claws!

“Felis Catus”: “Should aliens ever land on planet Earth and say ‘Take me to your leader,’ they should be brought to a cat.”

“Serve Your Feline Overlord”: “Chubby? Who’s chubby? This is all muscle, human. Now please, observe silence, for nap time is upon us.”

“Serve Kitty”: “I would like catnip, play time, yums and a nap, in that order.”

“Tiger”: “The Beloved Chairman watches over us all. No, seriously, he’s watching so be careful what you say. He’s very sensitive about his ears.”

‘Where’s Mine, Dude?’: How My Cat Makes Me Feel Guilty

“I will make you feel guilty, human. Then you will feed me.”

When I adopted Buddy I never thought I’d have such a talkative and friendly cat. Or one who seems to be an expert on human psychology, for that matter.

The little guy has made a habit of following me to the kitchen, even rousing himself from naps the instant he hears the fridge door opening, the rustling of a bag or the clunk of a closing cabinet.

Employing a different strategy than the meow-heavy, “FEED ME NOW!” style he uses at meal time, he sits in the doorway of the kitchen and watches me silently. If I fail to retrieve a snack for him, he doesn’t move.

Last night I’d forgotten to get him something and when I set my cereal bowl down on the coffee table and sank back into the couch, I looked over and saw Bud still sitting in the kitchen doorway, managing to simultaneously look sad and silently incriminating with his big green eyes.

“Where’s mine, dude? Dude, where’s mine?” he seems to say, pouring it on thick. “I thought we did everything together, yet here you are enjoying a snack while your best little Buddy is standing just a few feet away, feeling betrayed as you eat your Frosted Flakes. I guess we weren’t best buddies after all.”

Because I can’t stand that incriminating look and I know the situation will escalate if I don’t act, I dutifully rise from the couch and assume my responsibility as Bud’s faithful human servant, fetching some of his favorite dental treats.

His tail curls into a happy question mark and he trills his happiness.

“Guilty? Betrayed? Ah, all forgotten! Difficulties are dissolved into mere misunderstandings where snacks are concerned, my human friend!”

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m anthropomorphizing the little guy. Or maybe he really is a master of human psychology who can manipulate human emotions with the twist of his paw.

Cat On The Street: Do You Know What Time It Is?

Cats may not wear watches but they’re excellent time keepers!

Some people think felines are incapable of telling time. Cats disagree. And as anyone who has ever had the honor of serving a furry friend knows, cats are exceptional time keepers who like to adhere to strict schedules and like their meals delivered with the precision of the finest Swiss timepieces. To prove it, we asked six random cats if they know what time it is.

“It’s been 4 hours, 13 minutes and 22 seconds since my last meal, which was an unsatisfying salmon pâté . Do better, human.” – Parmesan, 8

“It’s yums o’clock!” – Pepper, 4 1/2 months

“It’s nap time. Again.” – BA Baracus, 4

“It is time for you to get off your lazy behind and fetch me something tasty.” – Shadow, 5

“In exactly 12 minutes it will be time for me to visit the neighbor for third breakfast! Then in another hour, first lunch at the nice lady’s house down the street!” – Clover, 7

“What is time, if not a way to mark the wonderful meals enjoyed, the scrumptilicious snacks devoured, the moments of opportunity when a human plate goes unattended? Wait. Did I say the last part out loud?” – Remontoire, 2

Feline Purrpaganda II: Posters To Inspire You To Serve Your Furry Masters

The High Ministry of Yums has seen fit to offer additional motivational posters to ensure obeisance and compliance among our human servants.

Comrades,

It has come to the attention of the High Ministry of Yums that our previous motivational posters increased snack-bestowing by 176 percent and resulted in improved quality of service from our human servants.

In the interest of furthering the felino-human partnership, particularly the aspect of it in which humans dote on felines, we offer the following posters, newly commissioned and approved by the Secretary of Yums himself.

For the glory of the meowtherland!

“The revolution shall be delicious.” – Dear Leader Buddy, “Reflections At Mealtime”

“Glory is the reward for humans who provide snacks in abundance.” -Dear Leader Buddy, “Quotations”

KOMRADE KITTY — “Admiration for your feline superior must be expressed in affection and confections, preferably crunchy with a soft, meaty center.”

1681163374879 — In honor of our storied forbears, this motivational poster is classically styled.

final(371) — “VALAR DOHAERYS” means “All men must serve” in High Valyrian. What could be more appropriate?

final(382) — “To each cat, his share of snacks.” – Chairman Meow, ‘Five Harmonies of Treat Distribution’

final(396) — A reminder to your humans that obeisance is compulsory.

Comrades who wish to print these posters for the edification of their humans are welcome to do so. Right click > Save, then open and print.

If the spirit of communal yums should strike you and inspire you to share these motivational messages, kindly credit and link this site.

May you be showered with delectable tokens of your human’s unending loyalty!

End communication.

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Dear Buddy: How Much For Buddy?

Buddy receives an offer, but is the buyer interested in purchasing him or his human servant?

Dear Buddy the Greater,

I would like to purchase Buddy the Lesser. Is he for sale? If so, how many rubles will it take to pry him away from you?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Dear Vladimir,

I may be willing to part with him, but we don’t take rubles, just good old ‘Merican greenbacks here! I’m warning you, the price will be steep, but if you’re serious, I think we can work out a deal.

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

My heart sang with the glory of Mother Russia when I read your correspondence. Would $50,000 be acceptable recompense for parting with Buddy the Lesser? Also, what does he eat? Is he an affectionate cuddler? Does he like to play games?

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewtin, presidential cat of Glorious Motherland

Vlady,

I thought you were serious, dude. Pretend this is eBay and the starting bid is $200,000.

Buddy the Lesser is a vegetarian and has been for more than six years now. He’s more or less affectionate, and he does play games, sometimes too much. I don’t like it when he’s on the computer and the only scritches to be had are absent-minded scritches.

Holler at me if you got the cash,

Buddy

Dearest Buddy,

How is this possible? A cat who is a vegetarian? I am most happy to learn he is affectionate and he enjoys games, but surely no feline can subsist and remain healthy on vegetables and fruits alone. I cannot pay $200,000 for a cat in good conscience if he’s likely to be malnourished, no matter how dashing and handsome he is.

Most sincerely,

Vladimir Mewton

Vlady,

No, no, no! I’m the cat. Buddy the Greater, aka Little Buddy. That’s me. You asked about Buddy the Lesser, aka Big Buddy. That’s my human. I assure you, I eat nothing but the finest turkey and other meats, but I am not for sale!

Now you have to understand, any deal we strike will have to include a replacement human to see to my own needs, okay Vlady? Don’t try to pull a fast one on me either: I want an American human who understands meows in American, is easily manipulated by my yowling and takes his servantly duties seriously.

(Above: Acceptable.)

I don’t have time to teach the American language to a Russian servant, nor am I inclined to instruct a Russian in the subtleties of American meowing. Unless…unless we’re talking about female Russians, gorgeous women with names like Alina, Tatiana and Katya who will spoil me, feed me candied figs and allow me to use their bosoms as pillows. That might be kinda cool.

No Siberia either! Tatiana must come to New York, or Novvy Yorkova as you call it.

Let me know if those terms are amenable to you.

Buddy

Vlady,

Where’d you go, dude? Dammit, why does everyone cut off contact when I try to sell my human?