Ever brave, the unshakeable feline survived an encounter with a dangerous Swiffer.
NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat poked his head around the side of the couch, cautiously investigating a pressured liquid sound he’d never heard before.
“And that’s when I saw it,” Buddy recalled. “This monstrous purple creature thing, and it was spitting liquid and making the floor all wet, smelly and disgusting. It was terrifying!”
Recoiling from the strong scent of citrus, that vile fruit, Buddy beat a hasty retreat, stopping every few feet to hiss at the floor-defiling automaton. The brave feline jumped and climbed to the safety of a high perch, where he was able to meow insistently at his inconsiderate human.
“Now’s an excellent time for a nap.”
When the Swiffing was complete, Big Buddy coaxed his furry friend down with the offer of a snack.
“Who’s a good, brave boy?” Big Buddy asked, shaking the bag.
“Well, I suppose I am pretty brave,” Buddy acknowledged.
After he finished his well-deserved snack, Buddy ran screaming into the bedroom and dived under the bed when he heard the rustle of a large paper bag.
Tired of waiting for his human servant to convalesce, Little Buddy has assumed blogging duties. The world looks very different through the eyes of a handsome cat.
Big Buddy is still sick, which annoys me for several reasons including: 1) The level of service is subpar and has NOT returned to pre-COVID standards of excellence. Unacceptable! 2) I’m told I have fans on something called the internet, and Big Buddy has been derelict in his duties, which I’m told involve updating all my fans about how delightful I am, and all the awesome stuff I do on a daily basis. (In between regularly scheduled naps, of course.)
So in the interest of serving my many fans, and not because I have a big ego, I’m taking over the blog for the immediate future! If there was ever a time you wanted to hear directly from Little Buddy, now’s your chance.
So where was I? Right. All the awesome stuff I’ve been doing. Here’s the cover of my newest comic book, the Adventures of Baby Bud. It’s about all the awesome stuff I did as a kitten. I am much bigger and more meowscular now, but I was already very handsome in my kitten days:
Handsome and meowscular!
Buddy the Cat and the Mystery of the Missing Cat-Sitters!
We have a mystery on our hands, people! A real head-scratcher!
You see, the number of people willing to cat-sit me has dwindled to zero. That’s really sad awesome, because it means Big Buddy can’t go away OR he has to take me with him to all the places he goes, like Washington, the Outer Banks and upstate New York.
Some of you may remember that I accidentally attacked my original cat-sitter, Sue. There may have been some light clawing and maybe teeth involved, but it was no biggie. Humans are so dramatic about these things.
Well, Sue is very nice and the next time Big Buddy went away, she said she’d still stop by to feed me every day but she wouldn’t play with me anymore. (So dramatic.) Also, she had some sort of shield when she entered my domicile, and she kept saying “Be calm, Buddy, be calm! I’m just here to feed you!”
The thing is, I sort of maybe attacked her again. It wasn’t my fault, okay? I thought a chalupacabra was breaking in and I had to defend my territory!
Fast forward to late June and everyone who had cat-sat for me before was suddenly “busy.” Very strange. So Big Buddy turned to the one person who wouldn’t say no, Mother of Big Buddy, or MoBB, and she watched me while Big Buddy cruelly jetted off to Washington to hang out with Brother of Big Buddy (BoBB), his wife and their vile miniature humans. What? Is vile too strong of a word? Okay, their unpredictable, undeveloped-motor-skills-having, loud, terrifying miniature humans. Is that better?
Anyway, I sort of accidentally attacked MoBB too LOL. See, what happened was she woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee, and I got agitated when I didn’t see any movement indicating she was going to feed me, and I sort of tripped and tried to break my fall by wrapping all four paws around her right leg, raking them down her calf and maybe kind of biting her shin a little bit until the skin broke.
And, uh, she might have had to go to urgent care, where the doctor claimed the “wound” from my “bite” was “infected” and prescribed her some sort of pills.
Like I said, it was all very dramatic. So now no one will watch me. Poor Little Buddy. I guess I’m just gonna have to sacrifice and accompany my Big Buddy on his next adventure. It’ll be tough, but I’m a team player and I’ll see this through so that my pal can get away for a few days without having to leave me home.
So that’s what’s been up in La Casa de Buddy. What’s up with you? 😎
Buddy the Cat tries his paw at cryptocurrency in his latest scheme to get more turkey and become filthy rich.
NEW YORK — Despite recent volatility in the cryptocurrency market, investors are rushing back thanks to the newest and most promising digital currency, BuddyCoin.
“Buddy coin, like, leverages assets and annuities and stuff, and then it takes advantage of cyberbond yields in the arbitrage market to leverage incredible profits,” Buddy the Cat explained during a conference call with investors.
Whereas other coins were tethered to startups run by tech bros or susceptible to major price fluctuations dependent on the banking industry, BuddyCoin was “built from the ground up to be resilient,” its founder said.
“We empower our clients by highlighting our core competency through scalable synergies, giving us the bandwidth to grow our brand and our coins,” the gray tabby cat said. “This leads to enormous profits because, like, they get more profitable and stuff. We pride ourselves on our ability to drill down into the financials, taking a deep dive via blue sky thinking and, uh, synergize and streamline the efficiencies in emerging markets through our product.”
BuddyCoin has been the hottest cryptocurrency of late, turning Buddy into the world’s first feline crypto king.
Buddy, who serves as founder and CEO of BuddyCoin’s parent company, Money4Buddy (MFB/Nasdaq), has been clearing hurdles to buy the largest turkey farm in North America and has been actively courting investors to help bankroll his attempt to take over several major players in the pet food and poultry markets.
The business-minded feline has also accrued assets in laser technology, a company that manufactures can openers, and several nutritional supplements labs, which have been repurposed to research supplements intended for felines despite market analysts saying there is little to no demand.
“When’s the last time you saw a cat lifting weights or running on a treadmill?” said one analyst who spoke on condition of anonymity.
A market expert from another firm cast doubt on the future of BuddyCoin.
“Have you heard Buddy talk about this stuff?” the cryptocurrency analyst asked. “None of it makes any sense. This is clearly a scam by a well-fed cat to become even more well-fed.”
Buddy ended his call with investors by trying to rally them to his cause.
“BuddyCoin is only going to get more valuable because we leverage our key priorities to push the envelope with lots of moving parts, which helps grow our portfolios,” he said. “Also, I really like turkey, so give me your money. Thank you.”
Above: Paper currency from the feline world: A 10 cat dollar note, top left, a 00 cat dollar note, etc. Unlike human currency, cat dollars come in every conceivable denomination because cats don’t have pockets to carry change.
Buddy prepares to become the new face of an iconic ad campaign.
Big things are happening within the Buddyverse, my friends, and to give you a taste of what’s to come, here’s a short audio clip of a new campaign featuring Buddy, who has signed a deal to become a beer spokesman. (Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but reports claim a significant sum of catnip and beer changed hands.)
Buddy’s deal involves four ad spots, which will be released over the coming weeks.
As more humans force vegan cat “food” onto their felines, cats turn toward the black market for their yums.
The exchange was so swift that unless you were looking out for it, you’d miss it.
A young, skinny ginger tabby approached a pudgy tuxedo in front of a stoop. The felines exchanged a nod and bumped paws, then the tabby scurried into an alley, disappearing into the shadows between two buildings.
“Gotta get it in me!” the tabby said, taking quick breaths. He dragged a claw across the top of the pouch to open it, poured every last morsel of meat into his mouth, then dropped to the ground, leaning against the brick wall.
“Oh!” he exclaimed, his pupils dilating. “That is the good stuff! Man, I needed that.”
The tabby, who would only identify himself by his street name, Skinny G, is one of thousands of so-called “vegan cats” in New York who have been defying their humans, finding ways to slip out and connect with a burgeoning network of “can slingers.”
Resembling drug dealers in their methods and presentation, the can slingers nevertheless point out that what they’re doing is not illegal.
“We like to think of ourselves as a charitable organization even though we earn a tidy profit,” said Tuco Salamanclaw, vice president for emerging markets with Los Gatos cartel. “It’s tragic to see so many misguided humans forcing their faithful felines to eat tofu, soy and other junk that doesn’t have the nutrients we need. We’re here to help address that injustice.”
Louis “Linguini Louie” Felinzio, a Meowfia capo and director of taste testing for the Meowfia’s can slinging operation.
The rise of the underground meat market — and the profits it promises to organizations that can muscle their way in — has attracted the Meowfia as well as The Buddy Organization, which was rebranded last year as Nipped In The Bud Catnip Co. Jostling for position among those three major players, as well as smaller groups, has led to a revival of the territorial battles that marked the catnip wars years ago.
“It’s just a matter of time before we see another drive-by spraying,” said Pawl Oreoson, a criminologist at John Jay College of criminal justice in New York. “Los Gatos is not an organization that surrenders territory easily, and the Meowfia also play for keeps. There’s just too much money to be made here.”
Profits from the underground cat food market set a record for the 10th consecutive quarter in March, reflecting the growing number of humans forcing their felines to eat meat-free diets of ultra-processed, plant-based “food.”
“Disgusting,” is how three-year-old Nala put it when asked about the “vegan cat food” her humans feed her. “Imagine eating damp cardboard with little clumps of carrot and celery embedded in it. No self-respecting cat should be forced to eat this stuff.”
“After two weeks on the vegan stuff I was skin and bones,” says Slim Sal, above. “I was almost too weak to make it to the can slingers and get my paws on proper food. No cat should have to endure that trauma.”
Tigger, a striped eight-year-old from Brooklyn, was admonished by his humans two weeks into his vegan “cat food” diet when he got into the fridge and helped himself to an entire pound of Boar’s Head ham and two large chorizos.
With a child lock now preventing him from opening the refrigerator door, Tigger said he’s been squirreling away portions of the vegan kibble and dumping it off the fire escape when his people aren’t looking. He hunts rodents to keep himself from starving, but says he’s getting sick of mice.
“If these lunatics want to subsist on broccoli, quinoa and hummus, that’s on them, but I just can’t,” Tigger said. “I’ve scraped together enough cash to buy a few cans of Friskies, and tomorrow I shall feast!”
Pain In The Bud 