Point-Counterpoint: ‘Personal Space Is Sacred!’ vs ‘You’re My Mattress, Human!’

Buddy the Cat argues that personal space is sacred, while Buddy the Cat argues there should be no boundaries when it comes to cats sleeping on their humans.

‘Personal Space is Sacred!’

buddycolumnHey! Unhand me, human! Did I say you could assault my cheeks and ears?!?

Well, yes, usually I do like when you give me scritches, but right now I could do without your sweaty, no-fur-having, clumsy human paw.

As a matter of fact, get away from me! I was here first! This is my couch, I merely let you occupy it out of the goodness of my heart because I’m such an unselfish feline. I would like to remain undisturbed until further notice!

What is it with humans and personal space, huh? What kind of malfunction leads your supposedly intelligent and “superior” species to sidle up uninvited and just start stroking feline fur? Did we call you over? Did we paw deliver a “Come pet me!” card in golf leaf ink? Did I personally invite you to groom me?

I think not.

We’re gonna have to start working on boundaries, human. Now fetch me a snack while I mull this over.

‘You’re My Mattress, Human!’

buddycolumnNothing’s better after a long day of eating and sleeping than having a nice dinner and settling down on your lap for a comfortable nap. Don’t get me wrong, your my bed isn’t bad. The chair is comfy. I even nap on your computer chair from time to time, especially after you vacate it and it’s nice and warm. The rug underneath the table even has its charms.

But nothing beats sleeping in your lap, or on your legs, or on your chest, or even sleeping on your back and using your butt as a pillow. When you woke up the other night and could hardly breathe because I was draped over your face, that was pretty funny, wasn’t it?

Yep. It’s nice that we’re such good pals, human and cat, that I can use you as my mattress!

As you know, it’s impossible for me to catch some Zs without sleeping directly on top of you, burrowed into your side, or even with a paw resting on you if it’s a hot summer night. That way you can’t get out of bed without me knowing about it, and you can’t sneak off to the bathroom without me.

What’s a bit of personal space between feline and human friends?

‘I Always Feel Like Some Buddy’s Watching Me And I Got No Privacy, Meow!’

Am I just paranoid?

For the full experience, listen to this while reading Buddy’s masterful lyrics:

Who’s watching
Tell me who’s watching
Who’s watching me

I’m just an average cat with an average life
I sleep from 9 to 5, and then I wake up nice
All I want is to be left alone, in my average home
But why do I always feel like
I’m in the Twilight Zone?

I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
Tell me, is it just a dream?

When I come home at night
I bolt the door real tight
People call me on the phone I’m trying to avoid
Or can the people on TV see me?!?
Can they?!? Or am I just paranoid?
When I need a tongue bath,
I’m afraid to wash my fur
Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing thur!
Kitties say I’m crazy, just a little touch
But maybe tongue baths remind me of Psycho too much
That’s why…

I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
Who’s playing tricks on me?

I don’t know anymore!
Are the neighbors watching me?
Who’s watching
Well is the mailman watching me?
Tell me who’s watching
And I don’t feel safe anymore, oh what a mess
I wonder who’s watching me now
Who?
The IRS?!

buddywhoswatchinirs

I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
Tell me is it just a dream

I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like some Buddy’s watchin’ me
Who’s playing tricks on me?

Study Says We Should Use Baby Talk With Cats, Buddy Disagrees

It’s the latest of several studies indicating animals including cats, dogs and horses respond better to higher-pitched, softer voices.

Cats are more responsive when their humans use “baby talk” to address them, a new study claims.

A research team from Paris Nanterre University played a series of recordings for cats. One set of recordings featured a stranger addressing each cat, while another set featured the cat’s human servant calling to the cat.

Each set also had clips in two different tones of voice: one in which the humans spoke to the cats in a tone normally reserved for addressing fellow adults, and another in which they baby-talked their felines.

Not surprisingly the cats were mostly content to ignore the strangers calling them by name even when the strangers used higher-pitched tones, but “displayed a constellation of behaviors suggesting increased attentiveness” when they heard audio of their humans calling them.

The kitties were even more responsive when their humans used the “sing-songy” tone of voice many people reserve for pets, babies, young children and Texans. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself! I’m still salty over my Yankees getting swept by the Astros.)

The research team said the study, which was published today in the journal Animal Cognition, was yet another piece of evidence showing felines are not the ultra-stoic, emotionless animals they’ve been portrayed as for as long as anyone can remember.

“For a long time it has been thought that cats are very independent creatures, only interested in [humans for] eating and shelter, but the fact that they react specifically to their owner, and not just anybody addressing them, supports the idea that they are attached,” said Charlotte de Mouzon, the paper’s lead author. “It brings further evidence to encourage humans to consider cats as sensitive and communicative individuals.”

Although the study included just 16 cats — sample size is a recurring problem in feline-related studies, since researchers often have to travel to the homes of house cats to study their normal behavior — it’s just the latest bit of research on tone in human-cat communication.

Those studies tend to use terms like “pet-directed speech” and “kitten-directed speech” instead of baby talk.

As I wrote last year, I don’t use baby talk with Buddy, and I tend to think of him as, well, my little buddy instead of my “child,” as so many “pet parents” do. That’s not to say I think people who view their pets that way are doing it wrong, or that I don’t have parental feelings toward Bud. Of course I do.

But as I also wrote, Buddy does not tolerate baby talk. I joked that he’d paw-smack me if I spoke to him that way, and indeed he has nipped at me and dispensed warning slaps the handful of times I’ve come close to addressing him that way.

Bud Da Widdle Baby
“Aw! Widdle Buddy is angwy, huh?”

I think it’s because of the way I raised him. He’s not accustomed to it, and he finds it annoying. That makes sense, and it comports with the study authors’ suggestions that the one-on-one relationship between feline and human is an important factor in many facets of cat communication.

But maybe if I’m prepared to dodge a few angry paws I can use the threat of baby talk to nudge Buddy toward being more responsive during those times when he doesn’t feel like coming when called or stopping some important work he’s engrossed in, like chattering away at birds outside.

“Bud! Hey, Bud! Listen to me. I’m talking to you,” I might say. “Okay, have it your way. Who’s da little Buddy wuddy who isn’t wistening to me, huh? Who’s da widdle cwanky boy?”

I’m pretty sure he’ll launch himself at me with a derisive “Mrrrrppp!” and take a big swipe. Haha!

But maybe, just maybe, he’ll be more inclined to listen. Do you baby talk your cats?

Family’s Cat Follows Kids To School, Gets His Class Picture Taken

Ziggy’s an “honorary student,” and faculty say he’s got an attendance record other students should aspire to.

Ziggy the cat must figure school is an interesting place if his two young human siblings walk there every day, so he’s taken it upon himself to go too.

The four-year-old cat is such a common sight at Drury Primary School in Wales, about 30 miles south of Liverpool, that faculty there consider him an “honorary student.” Ziggy makes himself comfortable for naps on the headmaster’s desk, attends school assemblies and likes to run around the playground.

Ziggy, who pops in and out of classrooms as he sees fit, walks 10 minutes to the school every day with his humans, Megan Roberts, 10, and Chloe Roberts, 7.

Mark Bitcliffe, Drury’s head teacher, told local daily The Leader that it’s “impossible” to keep Ziggy out, so the school has accepted him as a “student.” The cat shows up so reliably that Bitcliffe said he’s “an example to other pupils.”

But Ziggy really “took the biscuit” during school picture day during the last week of September, mom Emma Roberts said. The orange and white feline waited until he felt it was his turn to pose for a school photo, then hopped up onto the chair in front of the photographer as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The school sent his photos home along with school portraits of Chloe and Megan.

“Chloe handed the letter to me [after school] and I expected it to be her photos. But then when I looked I was just in floods of laughter and so were the other mums standing by me,” Emma said. “I asked her what had gone on and she said he just jumped on the chair. He didn’t need any encouragement, he just got up there for a photo.”

Bitcliffe, the faculty and the students at Drury love Ziggy’s antics, and they say he’s been educational too, as he’s given kids without pets the opportunity to learn how to interact with animals.

“It’s difficult to keep a cat off the school grounds, even if you wanted to, but thankfully he’s one of the nicest cats I’ve ever come across,” Bitcliffe said. “He thinks he’s a pupil so it’s fitting he’s had his own photo. I think it’ll be put up on the staff noticeboard. One time he was on the top ledge of the shelves in the secretary’s office and he’s been known to sneak into mine, sit on the chair and fall asleep. It’s his second home I think. His attendance is not an issue and he’s actually setting a good example to the other children.”

“We’ve not been looking to have a school cat or dog really, but he chose us.”

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think About The New Discovery In Egypt?

The intact sarcophagus, which is covered in etchings and hieroglyphs, occupied a hidden room buried beneath the sand for more than 3,000 years. What do cats think of this important discovery?

In what archaeologists are calling a “dream discovery,” a team digging in the sands of the Saqqara necropolis south of Cairo found a tomb with a hidden room containing an intact, 3,200-year-old sarcophagus covered in hieroglyphs. The tomb was the burial site of a high-ranking official, the kingdom’s treasurer, who served the celebrated and long-ruling Pharaoh Ramesses II.

What do you think about this important discovery?

“Did you know Ramesses II not only conquered part of Syria and annexed territory from the Hittite empire, but he also defeated an army of pirates? I dabble in archaeology when I get bored watching birds outside the window.” – Hester, 8, house panther

“That rogue Carter thinks he can outdo me with this sarcophagus nonsense? Everyone knows I am the superior archaeologist!” – Mortimer Augustus Furfellow, 13, professor emeritus

“Wow, this Egypt place is a HUGE litterbox! Litter as far as the eye can see!” – Sammy, 5, box enthusiast

“Put it back! Seal it up! What’s wrong with you people, haven’t you seen The Mummy?!” – Nervous Norman, 10, overgroomer

“CHECK IT OUT, MY TONGUE HAS LITTLE SWORDS ON IT! EN GARDE!” – Gingerbread, 10 months, biologist kitten

“That was more than 2,700 years before the discovery of the New World and its most valuable resource, turkey. Pity the ancient Egyptians, for they never tasted the glorious bird.” – Angel, 3, foodie