fake news – Page 28 – Pain In The Bud

President Buddy Blames Siamese For Coronavirus Outbreak

The president also touted catnip as a way to stave off viral infections.

WASHINGTON — In a series of tense exchanges with reporters President Buddy blamed Siamese cats for the spread of the novel Coronavirus.

Responding to a question about the Americat veterinary system’s preparedness to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, the president argued the Siamese told the rest of the world the virus was “no big deal, okay.”

“The Siamese have obfuscated from day one,” Buddy said. “They’re Siamese if you please, they’re Siamese if you don’t please. What is that? Sneaky little bastards.”

In particular, the president said, CHOW — Cat Health Organization Worldwide — confused cats across the globe by initially saying they could not become infected with the virus, only to backpedal months later after cats in Austria, Belgium and the United States tested positive.

Dr. Meowci, director of the Feline Institute for Infectious Diseases, urged cats to practice proper hygiene and social distancing.

“Wash your paws!” Meowci urged. “If you regularly snuggle with another cat, consider keeping your distance. And you guys aren’t gonna like this, but you need to take baths, and not just with your tongues!”

President Buddy took Meowci’s advice a step further, wondering aloud whether antibacterials could be used to purge the virus from the inside out.

“Like, if you put antibacterial on kibble, like a sauce,” Buddy said, “and somehow get that in the body, maybe we could cure the virus? Because you see what it does, it’s very powerful. It’s tremendous, really terrific.”

The suggestion prompted Jimma Costa, a reporter with Cat News Network, to ask the president if he was “suggesting cats should drink or eat antibacterial soap? Because that would be very dangerous, Mr. President. By the way, my question should be trending right now on Meower. Don’t forget to include my name! Cameramen, you should be doing a close-up on me right now.”

An exasperated Buddy shook his paw at Costa.

“Fake meows!” he said. “You’re a hack, Costa.”

Meanwhile, the president proposed catnip as a potential cure for SARS-CoV2. When a reporter asked him why he seems so sure the minty plant has the ability to fight the virus, the president grew visibly annoyed.

“I just have a good feeling, okay?” he said. “Get the high grade stuff, the terrific stuff, none of that illegal shake from the Los Gatos. The tremendous stuff only.”

Los Gatos ‘Nip Dealers Smack Dog

Catnip dealers defend their territory from canine encroachment.

TAMPA — An intrusive dog learned his lesson on Monday after a quartet of Los Gatos ‘nip dealers asserted ownership of a street corner with a biblical smack, new video shows.

The pooch approached timidly, his tail wagging as he tried to buy a can-bag of catnip.

“Hey guys, uh, can I have one bag of Meowie Wowie, please?” the dog asked.

“We don’t got none of that here, ese,” one of the Gatos replied. “Keep walking, homes.”

The dog did as he was told and turned around with a dejected sigh, walking a few paces away before turning back.

“It’s not for me, guys,” he pleaded. “I’m just trying to help out a friend who needs to get well. Come on, I have a whole can of Fancy Feast chicken…”

That’s when one of the Gatos leaped in the air and delivered a hard smack, sending the canine running with a sharp yelp.

“He ain’t gonna make the mistake of coming here again,” a spokescat for Los Gatos said. “We don’t deal to no mutts.”

BuddyFest 2020: Rules For Meeting Buddy

Featuring Buddy: The Experience and Buddy In Concert, BuddyFest 2020 promises to be the best BuddyFest yet!

After our exciting announcement that BuddyFest 2020 will be held here in New York this September, we wanted to post official rules for meeting Buddy so each of you can begin to prepare yourselves.

Meeting and signing pawtographs for all 30,000 expected attendees would be an impossible task for Buddy, which is why only Turkey Club members who purchase the Platinum Package — at the low, low price of $499.95 — will be granted an audience with His Grace.

To help ensure your experience is as smooth as possible, memorize these few important rules about Buddesian etiquette:

Do not look His Grace in the eye, unless he favors you with a slow eye-blink. Direct eye contact can be interpreted as aggression. (*)
When you’re led into the throne room, take a deep bow to indicate appropriate respect, then step forward and bow again. Wait for the Herald to announce you to His Grace before presenting your petition.
At no point must you approach closer than six (6) feet from Buddy’s personage.
The proper style of address is “Your Grace.” However, “Your Radiance,” “My King” and “My Liege” are also acceptable.

Platinum Turkey Club members must dress in evening wear if they’ve signed up for the Dinner With Buddy package.

BuddyFest 2020 Orchestral Practice — Buddy conducts the New York Philharmonic as they practice for the upcoming BuddyFest.

The main event of the evening is Buddy: The Experience. In this intimate gathering, 30,00 lucky fans will be treated to two thrilling hours of Buddy on stage with a couch, a bed, a box and a laptop. You’ll be the envy of your friends when you tell them you saw Buddy take a nap in person, or were only 36st rows back when he used his scratcher.

Finally, the audience will be treated to a performance of “Buddy In Concert”! Buddy will lounge on the main stage surrounded by the New York Philharmonic, which will perform orchestral pieces inspired by Buddy, including “Reflections of Handsomeness,” “Eye of the Liger,” “11th Nap,” and crowd favorite “Open The Door Right Meow.”

* Buddy promotions cannot be held liable for any audience member or attendee who is mauled to death for inappropriate eye contact or violations of Buddesian etiquette.

Turkey Heist: Shipment Vanishes, Cat Suspected

Who could be behind this brazen crime?

NEW YORK — A ship carrying half a million pounds of frozen turkey was hijacked off shore on Friday night by a criminal gang that appeared to take orders from a cat, authorities said.

MV Fowl Call, a US-flagged cargo freighter, was less than 20 nautical miles from port when it was redirected back toward the ocean and its comms went quiet. Witnesses reported seeing a small cat issuing orders to an assault team and cackling with delight as he padded around on the deck of the freighter.

Several members of the assault team reappeared a few minutes later, holding two men at gunpoint.

“Sample the wares, boss?” one of the pirates asked, opening a case of turkey in front of the cat.

The small tabby leaned forward, took a sniff, then took a cautious bite, his expression impassive.

“T-T-T-TIGHT!” the cat shouted. “Oh, TIGHT, TIGHT, yeah! Oh blue, yellow, pink, whatever man! Keep bringing me that!”

Cat and Turkey — Turkey: Food of the gods.

The crew methodically packed the cases of turkey into three smaller boats, then departed the larger ship, leaving the crew tied up on deck.

A witness told investigators he spotted black-clad men loading cases of frozen turkey into a Los Pollos Hermanos delivery van, then drive off.

“Any suggestion that we were involved in this apparent turkey heist is absurd,” franchise owner Gus “Gustavo” Fringe said. “Los Pollos Hermanos serves the community and supports our police, in addition to serving the most delicious deep-fried chicken and turkey.”

Image credit Wikimedia Commons [1] [2]

Los Gatos Issue Social Distancing Rules For Catnip Dealers

The Los Gatos gain an edge while feigning concern for their customers. Meanwhile, Buddy has disappeared.

NEW YORK — Touting its concern for catnip junkies and the nip-slingers who deal to them, the Los Gatos criminal gang became the latest organization to issue social distancing guidelines on Thursday.

The new guidelines represent the gang’s effort “to find new and innovative ways to deliver quality narcotics to our customers,” the gang said in a statement after veterinary authorities announced cats are susceptible to COVID-19.

“The safety and health of our drug dealers is of the utmost importance in the trying days ahead of us,” said the cartel, which deals almost exclusively in catnip and silver vine. “However, our dealers serve a vital function in our communities, not unlike pharmacies, and must remain in business for the benefit of cats who need the good stuff.

“That’s why we’ve implemented contact-less nip transactions, allowing our customers to get their fix without exposing themselves to the possibility of infection,” the notice read. “Users can visit our website or download our app to place orders. Use promo code BUDDYISAWIMP to get 20 percent off your first order of Meowie Wowie or Purrple Haze!”

The Buddy Organization, Los Gatos’ primary rival in the catnip distribution industry, has yet to respond or offer its own social distance policy.

Sources inside the organization say Buddy himself has been missing for days, with rampant speculation that the gray tabby has been hiding under his human’s bed since learning cats can contract the Coronavirus.

“That COVIDIOT has left us high and dry while the Los Gatos are muscling in on our territory,” one exasperated source complained. “Sales are down 73 percent over the last week and he’s nowhere to be seen!”

A spokescat for Buddy denied the reports.

“That’s ridiculous and frankly offensive,” the spokescat said. “Buddy is absolutely not scared of garbage trucks, paper bags, vacuum cleaners or toddlers, and he sure as heck isn’t scared of Coronavirus. He doesn’t even drink beer.”