cat humor – Page 61 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: What Are Zoom Calls, And Why Should We Crash Them?

REMIND HUMANS WHO IS BOSS.

Dear Buddy,

We are now almost two months into the Staypocalypse, that devious and coordinated human effort to ruin our lives by never leaving the house.

During this time I keep hearing about something called Zoom, and how we should crash it. Could you tell me what Zoom is and what I should do?

– Mikey the Maine Coon

Dear Mikey,

I’m glad you asked. If we play our cards right we may be able to put an end to the staypocalypse and reclaim our domiciles from these lazy humans.

While humans stay home to annoy us, they still have to work to earn money so they can buy our food, litter and toys. As a result, the humans work from home, and Zoom is a foul form of sorcery that allows them to create “videoconference calls” with their coworkers.

Those “videoconference calls” provide a perfect opportunity to show the other humans who really runs the world, and that humans are our subordinates who do our bidding.

Personally, I like to appear on camera while looking innocent, so the people say “Awww he’s so cute!” then stand with my backside immediately in front of the camera, so the other people see nothing but my butt. To us felines, sniffing backsides is a standard greeting, but to humans it is a sign of deep disrespect.

If your human appears on the light box for a living, you could do what Betty has done and take over his job:

betty2 — **“I GIVE WEATHER REPORT NOW, HUMAN.”**

Or what this good looking tabby is doing by reminding everyone on the conference call that Mandatory Yums Time is fast approaching:

catcomputer — “OKAY WRAP IT UP NOW PEOPLE, MY SERVANT NEEDS TO FEED ME.”

All forms of Zoom crashing are acceptable, as long as the message is clear: We are the boss.

Your friend,

Buddy

BuddyFest 2020: Rules For Meeting Buddy

Featuring Buddy: The Experience and Buddy In Concert, BuddyFest 2020 promises to be the best BuddyFest yet!

After our exciting announcement that BuddyFest 2020 will be held here in New York this September, we wanted to post official rules for meeting Buddy so each of you can begin to prepare yourselves.

Meeting and signing pawtographs for all 30,000 expected attendees would be an impossible task for Buddy, which is why only Turkey Club members who purchase the Platinum Package — at the low, low price of $499.95 — will be granted an audience with His Grace.

To help ensure your experience is as smooth as possible, memorize these few important rules about Buddesian etiquette:

Do not look His Grace in the eye, unless he favors you with a slow eye-blink. Direct eye contact can be interpreted as aggression. (*)
When you’re led into the throne room, take a deep bow to indicate appropriate respect, then step forward and bow again. Wait for the Herald to announce you to His Grace before presenting your petition.
At no point must you approach closer than six (6) feet from Buddy’s personage.
The proper style of address is “Your Grace.” However, “Your Radiance,” “My King” and “My Liege” are also acceptable.

Platinum Turkey Club members must dress in evening wear if they’ve signed up for the Dinner With Buddy package.

BuddyFest 2020 Orchestral Practice — Buddy conducts the New York Philharmonic as they practice for the upcoming BuddyFest.

The main event of the evening is Buddy: The Experience. In this intimate gathering, 30,00 lucky fans will be treated to two thrilling hours of Buddy on stage with a couch, a bed, a box and a laptop. You’ll be the envy of your friends when you tell them you saw Buddy take a nap in person, or were only 36st rows back when he used his scratcher.

Finally, the audience will be treated to a performance of “Buddy In Concert”! Buddy will lounge on the main stage surrounded by the New York Philharmonic, which will perform orchestral pieces inspired by Buddy, including “Reflections of Handsomeness,” “Eye of the Liger,” “11th Nap,” and crowd favorite “Open The Door Right Meow.”

* Buddy promotions cannot be held liable for any audience member or attendee who is mauled to death for inappropriate eye contact or violations of Buddesian etiquette.

Buddy’s Adoptaversary & His Blog’s 1st Anniversary!

Lots of catnip, turkey and photos of the little dude.

Join us, dear readers, as we celebrate the one-year anniversary of Pain In The Bud!

We’ve reached a modest 700 million readers in our first year and plan to do even better in our second year, replacing Google and Facebook at the very top of the traffic rankings and becoming the number one internet destination for people looking to waste their time.

Critics and readers alike are united in their effusive praise for Pain In The Bud:

“Absolute idiots. It’s difficult to tell which one has fewer brain cells, the human or the cat.” – Time

“Doesn’t even qualify as decent bathroom reading material.” – Rolling Stone

“Outstanding! Easily the best blog on the Internet!” – The Buddy Review

“An indictment of the American education system. I feel dumber for having read it.” – Oprah Winfrey

“Why should you care about the exploits of Buddy the Cat? You shouldn’t. His catnip-addled mind is limited to producing tedious fart jokes and dispensing mind-numbingly ridiculous advice to readers misguided enough to seek out his opinion.” – Wall Street Journal

“An extraordinary blog focused on an exceptional cat whose wit is sharper than Valyrian steel. Endlessly entertaining.” – The Buddesian Times

“A catnip junkie and the human who enables him. Gives all cats a bad rep.” – Veterinary Association of America

“An unfiltered look into the depraved depths of the feline psyche. The blog mostly works as a celebration of legendary stupidity.” – Psychology Today

“Has there ever been a cat more handsome and interesting than Buddy? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.” – The Chronicle of Higher Buddy

Meanwhile, we’re celebrating Buddy’s adoptaversary! Well, celebrating is probably not the right word since we’re stuck indoors in the middle of a pandemic, in the area with the most infections if you don’t count Wuhan’s fake statistics.

Still, celebrate we will. No matter how dark these times are, there’s always turkey and catnip!

Dear Buddy: Everyone’s Acting Like Cats Have Cooties!

Cats have become pariahs since the world learned they can be infected by Coronavirus.

Dear Buddy,

Why is everyone so racialist towards cats all of a sudden?

I’ve been doing my regular laps around the block even though all the humans are huddled in their houses, and everyone’s acting like I have the cooties!

Pete the Pomeranian, who is usually one of the friendliest of my neighborhood amigos, ran away from me this morning, while my neighbor’s snooty purebred poodles were more snooty than ever.

There’s a parrot who lives two doors down, and I heard her saying “Get away! Get away, you dirty cat! I don’t want your filthy feline viruses!”

Buddy, what the hell is going on? Why does everyone hate us?

– Freaked Out In Fayetteville

Dear Freaked Out,

You don’t read the newspapers, do you? Ever since a cat in Hong Kong and a tiger here in New York tested positive for the COVID, everyone is acting like us cats are zombies from The Walking Dead!

These days you can’t even claw or pee on a tree to mark your territory without all sorts of dogs, birds and squirrels coming out of the woodwork to yell at you about spreading “the cat AIDS,” as if we’re all infected and trying to spread it to everyone else.

There’s talk of rounding us all up and quarantinizing us in local cat cafes for at least a year. This is America, not Chairman Meow’s communist China!

We’re the lucky ones, my friend. Some cats have been tossed out of their own homes by the same humans who are supposed to serve them. It’s an outrage! The purrsecution and meowlevolent spreading of rumors has gotten out of claw!

For now, the best solution is to disguise yourself as another species entirely. Get some floppy ears and buck teeth and pretend to be a rabbit. And if that parrot keeps talking trash, tell her you haven’t eaten since yesterday and you’re wondering if all birds taste like turkey and chicken, then smile real evil-like. That oughta shut her up. 🙂

Chin up!

– Buddy

PS: Feel free to steal your human’s face masks. As you can see, they’re quite fashionable.

Turkey Heist: Shipment Vanishes, Cat Suspected

Who could be behind this brazen crime?

NEW YORK — A ship carrying half a million pounds of frozen turkey was hijacked off shore on Friday night by a criminal gang that appeared to take orders from a cat, authorities said.

MV Fowl Call, a US-flagged cargo freighter, was less than 20 nautical miles from port when it was redirected back toward the ocean and its comms went quiet. Witnesses reported seeing a small cat issuing orders to an assault team and cackling with delight as he padded around on the deck of the freighter.

Several members of the assault team reappeared a few minutes later, holding two men at gunpoint.

“Sample the wares, boss?” one of the pirates asked, opening a case of turkey in front of the cat.

The small tabby leaned forward, took a sniff, then took a cautious bite, his expression impassive.

“T-T-T-TIGHT!” the cat shouted. “Oh, TIGHT, TIGHT, yeah! Oh blue, yellow, pink, whatever man! Keep bringing me that!”

Cat and Turkey — Turkey: Food of the gods.

The crew methodically packed the cases of turkey into three smaller boats, then departed the larger ship, leaving the crew tied up on deck.

A witness told investigators he spotted black-clad men loading cases of frozen turkey into a Los Pollos Hermanos delivery van, then drive off.

“Any suggestion that we were involved in this apparent turkey heist is absurd,” franchise owner Gus “Gustavo” Fringe said. “Los Pollos Hermanos serves the community and supports our police, in addition to serving the most delicious deep-fried chicken and turkey.”

Image credit Wikimedia Commons [1] [2]