Buddy can sympathize, as he’s been subjected to the horrors of my singing voice in the car. I’m pretty sure he would’ve smacked me in the mouth too if he wasn’t in his carrier.
It seems we humans still have a lot of work to do in figuring out what kind of music sounds good to kitties. Bud was not a fan of Music for Cats, but he seems to dig funky music. And gangsta rap. He knows all the lyrics to every Notorious BIG track.
Authorities say the cartel smuggled many thousands of cans worth of catnip through the tunnel.
EL PASO — The notorious Los Gatos catnip cartel used a 12km-long tunnel to smuggle their product directly into the big house, the FBI said on Friday after discovering the clandestine passage.
With an underground route leading to the basement of Animal Control, Los Gatos moved an estimated 125 pounds of catnip and 80 pounds of silvervine — with a street value of 32 cans of wet food per ounce — to inmates every week, according to the Feline Bureau of Investigation.
The slippery cartel couldn’t have constructed and operated the tunnel without the help of at least one animal control officer, authorities said.
“Our investigation indicates they had a man on the inside in addition to the cats who received the shipments,” Special Agent Purrlock Holmes said. “The raw product was brought into a sub-basement where it was cut with oregano and Moroccan mint, then bagged for distribution to the inmates.”
Los Gatos is notorious for using young kittens as lookouts for their smuggling operations.
The animal control facility, which houses an estimated 230 cats in addition to more than 100 dogs, was placed on lockdown after Feline Bureau of Investigation agents raided the tunnels and facilities.
The sudden cut-off of catnip has precipitated withdrawal among the feline inmate population, overwhelming the facility’s medical staff.
“At least half our cats are suffering from acute withdrawal from catnip and silver vine,” said one doctor who declined to provide her name. “We’ve got cats throwing up in their cells, alternating between sweating and chills, and blowing up their own litter boxes with unprecedented eliminations. It’s not pretty.”
Los Gatos denied knowledge of or involvement in the tunnel in a statement provided by a spokescat.
“Like all organizations with a stake in our community, Los Gatos has been focused on keeping cats safe during this terrible pandemic,” the group wrote in the statement. “We are a charitable organization and we grow weary of these libelous and slanderous claims that we’re somehow involved in illicit activities. Thankfully we have a pretty good idea of who is spreading these vicious rumors, and that feline will be dealt with. In the kindest way, of course.”
The tunnel terminates in a sub basement of animal control, where the product was cut and bagged.
Catnip dealers defend their territory from canine encroachment.
TAMPA — An intrusive dog learned his lesson on Monday after a quartet of Los Gatos ‘nip dealers asserted ownership of a street corner with a biblical smack, new video shows.
The pooch approached timidly, his tail wagging as he tried to buy a can-bag of catnip.
“Hey guys, uh, can I have one bag of Meowie Wowie, please?” the dog asked.
“We don’t got none of that here, ese,” one of the Gatos replied. “Keep walking, homes.”
The dog did as he was told and turned around with a dejected sigh, walking a few paces away before turning back.
“It’s not for me, guys,” he pleaded. “I’m just trying to help out a friend who needs to get well. Come on, I have a whole can of Fancy Feast chicken…”
That’s when one of the Gatos leaped in the air and delivered a hard smack, sending the canine running with a sharp yelp.
“He ain’t gonna make the mistake of coming here again,” a spokescat for Los Gatos said. “We don’t deal to no mutts.”
We are now almost two months into the Staypocalypse, that devious and coordinated human effort to ruin our lives by never leaving the house.
During this time I keep hearing about something called Zoom, and how we should crash it. Could you tell me what Zoom is and what I should do?
– Mikey the Maine Coon
Dear Mikey,
I’m glad you asked. If we play our cards right we may be able to put an end to the staypocalypse and reclaim our domiciles from these lazy humans.
While humans stay home to annoy us, they still have to work to earn money so they can buy our food, litter and toys. As a result, the humans work from home, and Zoom is a foul form of sorcery that allows them to create “videoconference calls” with their coworkers.
Those “videoconference calls” provide a perfect opportunity to show the other humans who really runs the world, and that humans are our subordinates who do our bidding.
Personally, I like to appear on camera while looking innocent, so the people say “Awww he’s so cute!” then stand with my backside immediately in front of the camera, so the other people see nothing but my butt. To us felines, sniffing backsides is a standard greeting, but to humans it is a sign of deep disrespect.
If your human appears on the light box for a living, you could do what Betty has done and take over his job:
“I GIVE WEATHER REPORT NOW, HUMAN.”
Or what this good looking tabby is doing by reminding everyone on the conference call that Mandatory Yums Time is fast approaching:
“OKAY WRAP IT UP NOW PEOPLE, MY SERVANT NEEDS TO FEED ME.”
All forms of Zoom crashing are acceptable, as long as the message is clear: We are the boss.
Featuring Buddy: The Experience and Buddy In Concert, BuddyFest 2020 promises to be the best BuddyFest yet!
After our exciting announcement that BuddyFest 2020 will be held here in New York this September, we wanted to post official rules for meeting Buddy so each of you can begin to prepare yourselves.
Meeting and signing pawtographs for all 30,000 expected attendees would be an impossible task for Buddy, which is why only Turkey Club members who purchase the Platinum Package — at the low, low price of $499.95 — will be granted an audience with His Grace.
To help ensure your experience is as smooth as possible, memorize these few important rules about Buddesian etiquette:
Do not look His Grace in the eye, unless he favors you with a slow eye-blink. Direct eye contact can be interpreted as aggression. (*)
When you’re led into the throne room, take a deep bow to indicate appropriate respect, then step forward and bow again. Wait for the Herald to announce you to His Grace before presenting your petition.
At no point must you approach closer than six (6) feet from Buddy’s personage.
The proper style of address is “Your Grace.” However, “Your Radiance,” “My King” and “My Liege” are also acceptable.
Platinum Turkey Club members must dress in evening wear if they’ve signed up for the Dinner With Buddy package.
Buddy conducts the New York Philharmonic as they practice for the upcoming BuddyFest.
The main event of the evening is Buddy: The Experience. In this intimate gathering, 30,00 lucky fans will be treated to two thrilling hours of Buddy on stage with a couch, a bed, a box and a laptop. You’ll be the envy of your friends when you tell them you saw Buddy take a nap in person, or were only 36st rows back when he used his scratcher.
Finally, the audience will be treated to a performance of “Buddy In Concert”! Buddy will lounge on the main stage surrounded by the New York Philharmonic, which will perform orchestral pieces inspired by Buddy, including “Reflections of Handsomeness,” “Eye of the Liger,” “11th Nap,” and crowd favorite “Open The Door Right Meow.”
* Buddy promotions cannot be held liable for any audience member or attendee who is mauled to death for inappropriate eye contact or violations of Buddesian etiquette.
Pain In The Bud 