Tag: Zoom

Study: 83% Of All Zoom Participants’ Screens Display Cat Butts

More than four out of every five Zoom feeds are taken up by feline posteriors, a new study has found.

The research, “Felis Catus Rears In Online Meetings” was published this month in the Journal of Cats and Technology.

“With so many people working from home during the pandemic we had a wealth of data, including more than 400,000 hours of recorded Zoom meetings,” said Mo Muntervary, the study’s lead author. “Using a proprietary AI to analyze the data, we found that in approximately 332,000 hours of that footage, the Zoom meeting participants were either partly or completely obscured by the rear ends of their cats.”

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Between March of 2020, when the US and Europe went into lockdown, and July of 2021, virtually every meeting in the information industries was run by participants looking at the behinds of their co-workers’ cats, the study found.

“I can pick my co-workers’ cats’ butts out of a police lineup,” said Yuzu Daimon, 32, a hospitality executive in Tokyo. “If I see a screen dominated by the behind of a chonky tuxedo, I know AI Imajo from creative has joined the meeting. If I see orange and black Bengal butt, I know it’s Hirotaro Tanaka in accounting.”

Some say they prefer the view over the normal dour expressions of colleagues working from home.

“Some of my best creative ideas of the past two years have come from staring at a screen full of cat butts,” said Luisa Rey, a writer for Spyglass Magazine in New York.

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Conventional wisdom holds that cats park themselves in front of web cameras because they’re trying to draw the attention of their humans, but that may not be the case according to some experts.

“We have to consider the possibility that this is intentional on the part of felines,” said cat behaviorist Selina Kyle. “They may be trying to tell us they’re tired of people infringing on their alone time, when people were in the office before COVID changed everything. They may be looking to annoy us in retaliation for us annoying them, and if this is indeed a battle of annoyingness, then I’m afraid it’s a battle humankind cannot win. We are simply outgunned.”

Lawyer Attends Virtual Court Hearing As A Kitten, Thanks To Cam Filter

Your Honor, I make a meowtion to dismiss!

Americans have denied pretty much everything in courts of law over the years, but this one may be a first. After a Texas lawyer connected to a Zoom virtual civil forfeiture hearing and couldn’t figure out how to remove a filter that turned his on-screen image into that of an anthropomorphic kitten, the lawyer stated the obvious.

“I’m here live,” the attorney told the presiding judge. “I’m not a cat.”

Cat of Law
Two other lawyers keep straight faces as attorney Rod Ponton struggled to remove a cat filter during a Zoom call.

The lawyer is Rod Ponton of Presidio, Texas, and he’s become a viral sensation.

“When I got on Zoom everything seemed fine – my picture popped up, I was in the waiting room with the judge. But when the judge called the case, I disappeared and a cat appeared instead of me to my great surprise of course,” Ponton told the BBC.

Ponton’s misadventure is relatable at a time when almost everything that doesn’t require physical presence has been moved online due to the Coronavirus, and it’s perhaps most relatable to adults who can’t figure out what their kids have done to their computers.

Ponton, it turns out, was using his secretary’s computer after her kid had been using it. Thus the kitten filter.

He told the BBC he’s trying to “roll with it” as the video racks up millions of views.

“In Texas we have a phrase that you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube,” Ponton said. “If this was going to become an internet sensation I just had to laugh at myself along with everybody else doing so.”

Dear Buddy: What Are Zoom Calls, And Why Should We Crash Them?

Dear Buddy,

We are now almost two months into the Staypocalypse, that devious and coordinated human effort to ruin our lives by never leaving the house.

During this time I keep hearing about something called Zoom, and how we should crash it. Could you tell me what Zoom is and what I should do?

– Mikey the Maine Coon


Dear Mikey,

I’m glad you asked. If we play our cards right we may be able to put an end to the staypocalypse and reclaim our domiciles from these lazy humans.

While humans stay home to annoy us, they still have to work to earn money so they can buy our food, litter and toys. As a result, the humans work from home, and Zoom is a foul form of sorcery that allows them to create “videoconference calls” with their coworkers.

Those “videoconference calls” provide a perfect opportunity to show the other humans who really runs the world, and that humans are our subordinates who do our bidding.

Personally, I like to appear on camera while looking innocent, so the people say “Awww he’s so cute!” then stand with my backside immediately in front of the camera, so the other people see nothing but my butt. To us felines, sniffing backsides is a standard greeting, but to humans it is a sign of deep disrespect.

If your human appears on the light box for a living, you could do what Betty has done and take over his job:

Betty-Weather-Cat-Featured

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“I GIVE WEATHER REPORT NOW, HUMAN.”

Or what this good looking tabby is doing by reminding everyone on the conference call that Mandatory Yums Time is fast approaching:

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“OKAY WRAP IT UP NOW PEOPLE, MY SERVANT NEEDS TO FEED ME.”

All forms of Zoom crashing are acceptable, as long as the message is clear: We are the boss.

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Your friend,

Buddy