cat humor – Page 57 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: Did You Hear About The Dating Site For Cat People?

Buddy goes to incredible lengths to ensure he won’t have to share his home or his yums with another cat.

Dear Buddy,

Have you heard about the new dating site for humans who love cats? It’s called Tabby and launched this month. I hope my human finds a match with lots of kitties I can make friends with. I’ve always wanted siblings!

What about you? Are you excited? Maybe Big Buddy will match up with a nice woman who has lots of friendly cats!

Good luck!

Friendly in Fairview

Dear Friendly,

FAKE NEWS.

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

No, it’s true! The site is real! Aren’t you excited?

Friendly

Dear Friendly,

FAKE NEWS! There is no such dating site. Don’t go giving my human any ideas. He can date women WITHOUT cats. If he meets a human female with her own cats and they get married, that would mean I would have to share my territory — MY KINGDOM — with other cats.

That’s unacceptable.

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Oh, come on, don’t be such a curmudgeon! I bet you’d be an awesome cat sibling. You’d have feline friends to play and snuggle with. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Friendly

Dear Friendly,

No, it would not be awesome. There is only one king, and that’s me. Buddy the King. I don’t share litter boxes, I don’t share sleeping spots and I sure as hell don’t share yums!

I trust you will keep news of this “dating site” a secret, or I will be forced to murder you.

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

I’m afraid you’ll have to murder a lot of people, because the word’s out and the site has already gotten lots of press. In fact, Big Buddy may have a profile there already. Haha!

Friendly

Dear Friendly,

I checked. Big Buddy does not have a profile on this Tabby site you speak of. However, one can never be too careful, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to create a profile for him and make sure no woman on this Earth will ever contact him or agree to a coffee date.

Name: Big Buddy

Likes: Star Trek, speaking Klingon, learning to speak Cardassian, long walks on the Holodeck, deep conversations about astrometrics and the Bajoran-Dominion conflict during candlelight dinners while drinking Chateau Picard, running diagnostic tests on plasma induction manifolds.

My perfect match: A woman who loves Star Trek as much as I do and has always dreamed of a Star Trek-themed wedding. We will get married on a replica of the USS Enterprise 1701-D bridge and honeymoon on the pleasure planet Risa.

What I look for in a woman: Fluent in Klingon, knowledgeable about subspace harmonics, Tachyon field theory and passionate about LCARS submenu design. Must be able to properly mix drinks with synthahol, but also enjoys Romulan ale on occasion.

What women will appreciate about me: I’m skilled in the art of Pon Farr, have been practicing Ambojitsu for 15 years and I’m in the process of remodeling the interior of my home to look like the crew deck of the USS Enterprise.

What do you think? Are there enough Star Trek references to ensure women on this app will be horrified and immediately swipe left? One can never be too careful. If there’s even a chance that a woman will respond, I must make the profile even more unpalatable. What else can I add? What if I say he’s a Bronie who loves Jersey Shore, or an otaku who has a waifu body pillow? Help me out here, my comfort depends on it!

Buddy

Historic All-Feline Hockey Team Forfeits First Game After Discovering Penalty Box

Cats weren’t enthusiastic about hockey until they learned of the existence of the penalty box.

NEW YORK — History’s first all-feline hockey team got off to an ignominious start Tuesday when it was forced to forfeit its first game due to the entire team ending up in the penalty box.

The unfortunate sequence of events began in the first period when Duster Hoggins, captain of the Ice Cats, earned a whistle from the referees for trying to bite one of the opposing team’s forwards.

The members of the Ice Cats’ bench — who had been napping or quietly looking on with detached disinterest — suddenly perked up as the referees announced the penalty.

“Did he say penalty box?” rookie backup defenseman Mittens asked his teammates.

After the referees escorted Duster to the penalty box, mayhem broke loose: The formerly calm felines began a relentless assault on the opposing team by scratching, biting and even throwing themselves at the other team’s players.

A great cheer erupted from the Ice Cats’ bench when Little Panther, their center, was whistled for ignoring the puck and making a beeline for the opposing goaltender, whom he repeatedly struck with his stick.

“Penalty box! Penalty box!” the cats chanted, banging their sticks on the ground as they encouraged their teammates.

A broadly grinning Little Panther high-foured Duster and the two other cats who were already inside when he was escorted to the penalty box.

“Stop it, you idiots!” Ice Cats Coach John Tortorella screamed.

The feline teammates briefly paused, looking at each other for a moment before resuming their cheer: “Penalty box! Penalty box!”

The game was called just 4:52 into the first quarter after the penalty box was crowded with players and the Ice Cats could no longer field a team.

“This is a great sport!” Duster told reporters after the game. “If we’d known the goal was to reach the penalty box, we would have taken to hockey with much more zeal.”

“The goal isn’t to reach the penalty box, you morons!” a visibly angry Tortorella said, cutting into the interview. “We lost today because of your stupidity.”

The Ice Cats are scheduled to take on the New York Islanders on Thursday at the Barclays Center, where Duster vowed his squad would “dominate the penalty box like no other team in history.”

Thundercats Reboot Delayed As Star Buddy Feuds With Producers

Buddy the Cat is demanding to play the heroic Lion-O instead of Snarf, the comedic relief of the show.

LOS ANGELES — The new reboot of beloved 80s cartoon Thundercats was thrown into limbo on Monday after one of its stars, Buddy the Cat, accused studio executives of lying to him about his role.

Thundercats follows a group of “catlike humanoid aliens” who flee their dying home world, Thundera, to settle on a new planet called Third Earth. Led by the heroic Lion-O, the Thundercats encounter a dire threat on their new world — a powerful sorcerer named Mumm-Ra who commands the magic of the Ancient Spirits of Evil.

Buddy the Cat inked the deal believing he was to star as the gallant, brave and muscular hero Lion-O, his agents said. but studio executives said they’d always planned for Buddy to play the doughy and cowardly Snarf, who often serves as comic relief.

“Buddy is a leading man, er, cat,” his principle agent, Ari Gold, said. “When the producers said they loved him for the role, Buddy had no reason to believe they envisioned him as anyone other than Lion-O.”

But the studio and production team had always intended for the gray tabby cat to play Snarf, showrunner Trey Parker said.

“Buddy is the quintessential Snarf: An amusing little butterball whose silly antics bring a touch of humor to the show,” Parker said. “We needed someone believably heroic go play Lion-O, someone who is powerful and ripped. That’s why we went with Maru, the famous Youtube cat.”

maru — *Producers chose Maru for the role of the heroic Lion-O.*

Fan reaction was swift and condemnatory.

“How dare you cast anyone other than Buddy to play Lion-O, or suggest he’s not muscular and ripped enough for the role,” one angry fan said in a voicemail. “I’m totally ripp…I mean, Buddy is totally ripped! He IS Lion-O.”

Production on the new series remained stalled, with Buddy refusing to exit his trailer until the casting kerfuffle has been resolved.

“Buddy has indicated he’d compromise,” Gold said. “He’s willing to play the role of Tygra, if the producers are willing to show flexibility by making Tygra the leader of the Thundercats. The box is in their court.”

Buddy’s PSA: Dudes, You Can Adopt Cats Too!

Buddy’s PSA informs men that cats are very manly companions and aren’t just for women.

Big Buddy: [The Human] Somehow people got this ridiculous idea that cats are exclusively pets for women…

Little Buddy: [The Cat] …which is absurd because we’re basically small tigers. I mean, look at me. Who wouldn’t run in terror if they found themselves on the wrong side of these claws?

Big Buddy: We’re here to dispel the idea that cats are for women, and tell you that caring for a cat is a manly thing to do.

Little Buddy: That’s right! Extremely manly.

Big Buddy: We do manly stuff around here.

Little Buddy: That’s right! We watch football, we drive around in a rugged pick-up truck and we grunt a lot.

Big Buddy: We don’t actually do any of those things.

Little Buddy: But we would, if we cared about football and trucks.

Big Buddy: We’re into other manly stuff, like baseball, basketball, huge starship battles and fight club. We funkatize entire galaxies, facilitate the spread of interstellar funk and blast funky bass lines from black holes.

Little Buddy: We don’t talk about fight club.

Big Buddy: And besides, the most badass canine is a wolf…

Little Buddy: …but the most badass feline is a tiger!

Big Buddy: That’s not even a contest. A tiger is clearly more badass than a wolf.

Little Buddy: Significantly more badass! A veritable fount of badassery. More badass by several orders of magnitude.

Big Buddy: I think they get it, little dude.

Little Buddy: I was just making sure.

Big Buddy: So if you’re a dude thinking about adopting a cat, don’t let dumbasses tell you cats are “feminine” pets…

Little Buddy: …cause then you’d be missing out on having your very own little tiger buddy. RAWR!!!

Big Buddy: Maybe we could do without the roar. You sound like Elmo singing in falsetto.

Little Buddy: I do not! I sound like a terrifying jungle cat.

Big Buddy: Okay, Elmo.

Buddy The Cat Discovers Terrifying Haunted Room

The haunted room, called an “elevator” by humans, eats its occupants.

NEW YORK — Cursing “those infernal humans and their sorcery,” Buddy the Cat tried to fall asleep on Monday night while forgetting the horrors he saw earlier that day.

The normally happy, outgoing cat slipped out of his own apartmental realm as his human was entering it and resumed exploring and charting the strange land outside, known only as The Hallway.

Buddy rounded a corner, exploring further than he’d ever been when he discovered a large room at the intersection of three corridors. The smells were alien to him. Set into the wall was a shiny metal door, wider than the others. A tone chimed and it opened briefly to a small empty room before closing again.

Buddy could hear a deep rumble and feel a trembling beneath his paw pads.

“That’s when the doors opened again, and a tall woman in a blue dress walked out,” Buddy recalled. “The room was conjuring people!”