Tag: Meowie Wowie

Los Gatos Woo Customers With Drone Catnip Delivery

LOS ANGELES — Cats looking for a fix could soon enjoy the convenience of prompt, contactless delivery of premium catnip thanks to a new drone delivery pilot program from Los Gatos.

“Getting high-quality nipcotics into the paws of our customers is our highest priority,” said Jose Purrado, executive vice president of product for Los Gatos. “We believe drones are the future of delivery, and we’ve invested millions into a robust, user-friendly experience. It’s now easier than ever for cats to get their fix.”

The criminal cartel turned legitimate player in the legal catnip market has been focusing on increasing market share from its primary competitors, including the Meowfia and the Buddy Organization, which has been recently rebranded as Nipped In The Bud Catnip Co.

Earlier this year Los Gatos introduced a shiny new app that allows feline customers to order catnip and silvervine directly, in the strain, potency and form of their choosing.

In addition to all-natural catnip in plant form, the app features catnip vaporizers, as well as catnip edibles in various meaty flavors, like Trippy Tuna and Meowie Wowie Beef Chews.

Credit: Andrew Marttila

While Nipped In The Bud Catnip Co. will compete with Los Gatos in the legal catnip market, the Meowfia have doubled down on the illicit market.

“Why pay tax on your ‘nip, or let the government know you enjoy a little silver vine pick-me-up before work?” said Fiorenzo “Uncle Enzo” Giaguaro, the Meowfia’s public face. “Our clients come to Cosa Nostra Catnip because we take care of them, our product is excellent, and we have a convenient loan program. You can also bet on the latest baseball game or boxing match with any one of our friendly and well-trained ‘nip brokers. When you deal with Cosa Nostra, you’re family.”

Credit: Andrew Marttila

14 Overdoses Traced To Los Gatos Catnip

LOS ANGELES — At least 14 feline overdoses have been linked to a powerful new strain of catnip sold by Los Gatos cartel, the Feline Bureau of Investigation (FBI) said Thursday.

The new strain is a hybrid of the popular Purrple Haze and Meowie Wowie variants sprinkled with catnip-flavored Temptations that have been crushed into powder, the agency said.

Dubbed “Da Zooms,” the ultra-potent new nip is often cut with oregano to reduce its effects, but inexperienced cats may not realize what they’re dealing with. Overdoses render felines catatonic for several hours, during which they roll around with a blank stare before sliding into a deep sleep from which they cannot be roused until the effects wear off.

“This is powerful stuff,” said Squiggy the Siamese, president of Cats Against Narcotic Additives Baked Into Snacks, or CANABIS, a powerful anti-Temptations lobbying group. “If it can knock a 20-pound Maine Coon unconscious, imagine what it can do to an innocent three-pound kitten.”

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The potent new blend of catnip is proving irresistable to cats.

Cat parents and caretakers are advised to look for the following signs that could indicate their furry loved ones are addicted to Da Zooms:

  • Suddenly getting the zooms and bolting around the house at 30 mph
  • Loss of interest in favorite foods and snacks that aren’t Temptations
  • Refusing regular catnip, or complaining that it’s “weak stuff”
  • Raiding pantries for cans of wet food, which are used as currency to buy highly potent illegal nip
  • Frequent trips to “The Corner”
  • Shaking paws and night sweats after being cut off from the product

In the meantime, the National Ad Council has unveiled a new PSA meant to inform cats of the dangers they face by consuming illegal catnip.

“This is your brain,” the ad’s narrator intones as the camera settles on a brand new, unblemished couch. “This is your brain on ‘nip,” the narrator continues with the camera scrolling over to an old, beat-up couch with claw marks all over it. “Any questions?”

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Diego Gatinez, a spokesman for Los Gatos, called the new ads “racist” and blamed “uninformed gringos” for alleging that his organization is a cartel.

“We are a charitable 501(c)(3) organization, and we don’t appreciate the insinuation that we’re involved in illegal or violent activities,” Gatinez said. “Anyone who continues to intimate that we are a violent criminal organization should sleep with one eye open, because Los Gatos could appear right when you least expect us.”

Top image and the two following images by Andrew Marttila from his book, aptly titled “Cats On Catnip.”