cat humor – Page 54 – Pain In The Bud

Twitter Censors President Buddy As Votes Are Tallied

“Vote 4 me and all your wildest dreams will come true!!” Buddy tweeted. “Turkey and bacon will rain down from the heavens! Great rivers of catnip will flow through the streets!”

Twitter generated another round of controversy Wednesday after censoring meows by President Buddy, claiming they were misleading or inaccurate.

It was the fourth time in less than a week that the social media giant censored or amended warnings to the president of the Americats’ messages. The first was President Buddy’s election day tweet to his followers:

“Vote 4 me and all your wildest dreams will come true!!” Buddy tweeted. “Turkey and bacon will rain down from the heavens! The panda demic will last forever, ensuring your humans are always home to do your bidding! Chihuahuas will be deported back to Chihuahua! Great rivers of catnip will flow through the streets!”

The tweet was up for more than 20 minutes before Twitter amended it with a warning to users: “Our community guidelines team have decided this tweet violates our terms of service. No politician can make turkey or bacon rain down from the sky.”

A second tweet was semi-censored late on election night, with Twitter’s team deactivating retweets on the post.

“Well, that looks about wrapped up!!!” Buddy tweeted to his 56.3 million followers. “Tremendous victory! Stand by for turkey — oven roasted, sliced and fried — to rain down from the heavens, my friends, amid clouds ushering in the sweet smell of bacon as crispy bits of it form a deluge over patriotic American skies. (The counties that voted for me.) I’ll sleep well knowing I have four more years! ‘MERICATS!”

By Wednesday morning, President Buddy’s posts had changed in tone as vote tallies indicated tighter contests in North Carolina, Arizona and Georgia. Exit polls indicated the president did well with desert cats in Arizona, who said poultry and bacon were two of the most important issues this election cycle.

“WHAT IS THIS BULLS–? They CHEATED. This is the work of the Siamese, folks! They’ll tell you it was the Russian Blues, but who are all these tech companies beholden to? THE SIAMESE. Americat tech companies are conspiring with the Siamese to censor me, President Buddy, and STEAL THE ELECTION! Sad!”

Less than a half hour later, Twitter tagged the post with another warning: “Our fact-checking unit has determined this tweet is wrong or misleading. There is no evidence the great and powerful Siamese, led by the awe-inspiring Chairman Xinnie the Pooh, have exerted any influence in the Americat election. Xinnie is too wise a man to trouble himself with such rubbish. May he live forever!”

The president’s supporters cried foul, calling for anti-trust proceedings against social media giants like Twitter, Facebook and Google.

The fourth and most recent censored tweet was sent on Thursday.

“It’s been an exhausting few weeks, but we made it to the finish line!” Buddy tweeted. “Gonna go crash on my human and enjoy a nice long nap. Nothing’s better than sleeping on my Big Buddy.”

Like earlier tweets, the Thursday post had reduced visibility, with Twitter’s engineers blocking the ability to share the tweet.

“Our office of standards and opinion moderation has determined this tweet violates our rules against advising users on sleeping habits and sleep hygiene. In addition, our fact-checkers have determined that declaring Big Buddy as the best human mattress is an opinion that cannot be verified or fact-checked by other cats. All hail Chairman Xinnie.”

Twitter CEO Peter Dinklage did not respond to requests for comment.

Dosey-Dinklage — Twitter CEO Peter Dinklage in February, left, and in a congressional hearing in October, right.

Dear Buddy: What Is Boxing?

Buddy learns of the existence of boxing. What could the humans be hiding from cats?

Dear Buddy,

I thought you might like to know that I overheard my human and his friend talking about a mysterious human sport called boxing. They were looking forward to a really big upcoming “boxing match,” and then I thought about how you’d discovered the existence of bowling.

If humans can hold out on us and not tell us about bowling, a game that involves knocking things off flat surfaces — a game made for cats, if there ever was one! — then I would not put it past them to keep this “boxing” from us either. I am intrigued.

Have you heard of boxing? What’s your take?

Curious Cat in California

A human having an enormous amount of fun inside a box.

Dear Curious,

You’ve come to the right cat! My detectivating skills are legendary, for good reason. This is the first I am hearing about this so-called “boxing,” but there are two things we can immediately deduce:

It has something to do with boxes.
The humans are hiding it from us, so it must be really awesome and fun.

I hate to think less of Big Buddy, but his kind are sneaky, and I can’t help but imagine a social event in which humans gather for wild parties in which they have incredible amounts of fun sitting in boxes. They probably laugh joyously as they jump in and out of the boxes, saying “Hahaha, our cats can’t play with these boxes! These are all for us!”

And they probably dismantle the boxes afterward, just so we don’t find them and get tipped off to their boxing “matches.”

I am so angry right now! I am going to confront Big Buddy and bite him if he doesn’t spill the deets on boxing.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Cheers,

Buddy

Another human having a great time with a box, without her cats.

Buddy The Cat Denies Losing Fight To Rodent

Buddy blamed “haters and jealous scoundrels” for releasing a video showing him backing away from an aggressive rat.

MALAGA, Spain — After a viral video showed him furiously back-peddling during a vicious encounter with a rat, Buddy the Cat blasted the media for suggesting he lost a fight to the tiny rodent.

“Fake news!” Buddy told reporters on Thursday. “The fake news media hates me and other cats are jealous of me, which is why they’ve released this heavily edited, out-of-context video that purports to show me ‘losing’ a fight to a rat.”

A witness from Malaga, a municipality on Spain’s southern coast, told MSN that he heard a ruckus when he headed outside and witnessed an “epic battle” between a cat and a rat, with the rodent “leaping in the air and kicking like a real ninja.”

Just a few hours after the video went viral, several users on Twitter identified the feline as Buddy, sparking a torrent of memes and jokes at the tabby cat’s expense.

“A hundred bucks says Buddy would’ve attacked the hell out of that rat if it was a snack,” Twitter user @LosGatos212 wrote.

“lol look at Buddy run from that tiny rat,” wrote user @BuddySucks. “So much for his ‘huge muscles’ and his fierce reputation.”

Buddy, who is known for often referring to his “ripped” physique and bragging about defeating a fly in single combat, accused anonymous “haters” of deceptively editing the video to remove “the epic beatdown” he handed to the rat.

“They cut out the part where I dodged his strikes like Neo from the Matrix, then pulled off a Ryu-style spin kick to send the rat flying,” Buddy insisted. “Probably because my muscles looked huge and I looked badass.”

The uploader also deleted a section of the footage in which Buddy breathed fire and fought off a dozen additional rats who came to the aid of their friend, according to Buddy.

Still, viewers weren’t buying it. One meme creator pasted the rat’s head onto the body of Mike Tyson and Buddy’s head onto the body of Tyson’s hapless opponent in a classic clip from the boxer’s prime.

Buddy the Cat responded by challenging his haters to a fight, “so we can go gato e gato like real cats.”

“We’ll see who the real tough cat is,” he told his haters, “when I’m victorious and eating celebratory turkey, and you’re out cold on the mat!”

Archaeologists Find Ancient Image Of Buddy In Peru

A majestic 2,000-year-old image of Buddy has been discovered in Nazca, Peru.

NAZCA, Peru — Archaeologists in Peru have found the oldest known portrait of Buddy carved into a hillside in the Nazca desert.

The image is a geoglyph, one of many renderings of animals and people etched into the arid dry lands between 1,500 and 2,500 years ago by an ancient Nazca culture that occupied the southern region of modern-day Peru.

The image of Buddy is 120 feet long and was created about 2,000 years ago, archaeologists said.

A research team was scouting potential sites for observation platforms near several other glyphs when they realized there was an image almost entirely buried on the hillside. After carefully cleaning away the debris that had accumulated over the millennia, they revealed the triumphant image of Buddy lounging.

“It’s no surprise that the ancient Peruvians would honor Buddy,” said Ferdinand Lyle, lead scholar on the project. “Ancient Nazca prophecies told of a legendary cat with huge muscles and unrivaled charm. Indeed, Buddy looks regal and majestic in this lovingly rendered image.”

nazcabuddy — The newly-discovered geoglyph honoring Buddy.

nazcaspider — A Nazca geoglyph depicting a spider.

Even archaeologists believed the lines were merely roads or trail markers until 1940, when American historian Paul Kosok was flying above an area near the southern coast and realized a set of lines depicted a condor.

Since then, scholars have found hundreds of geoglyphs depicting people, mammals, birds and fish, as well as abstract designs. Like Egypt’s Valley of the Kings, Nazca isn’t quick to give up its secrets, and experts who have been studying the ancient art works say there are likely hundreds of additional images covered by two thousand years of accumulated detritus.

The images are considered fragile, as most were made by carving trenches about half a foot deep into the topsoil, revealing a lighter clay layer that contrasts with the reddish-brown soil of the surface.

nazcaeagle — One of the largest and most famous geoglyphs depicts a condor in flight.

In the meantime, they’re hoping their newest find will prompt additional research funds to look for more renderings on the Nazca plains.

“The tantalizing possibility of more geoglyphs of Buddy’s handsome visage should compel a wave of new donations to continue this important work,” Lyle said. “This has been the find of the century.”

Buddy’s Letter To Santa Claws: A Very Roomba Christmas

Buddy only wants one thing this Christmas.

Dear Santa Claws,

Hi, this is Buddy the Good Boy from New York!

Please help me, Santa! For the past four years I’ve been asking my Big Buddy for a Roomba for Christmas, and every Christmas morning I have been disappointed when there is no Roomba beneath the tree. 😦

What is a Roomba? I’m glad you asked! A Roomba is a round robot made for cats, so we can have fun riding around the house! You just sit on top of it, and it moves all over the place! There are lots of videos on the MewTube showing cats having fun on their Roombas.

I am such a good boy. I finish my food most of the time, I only scratch the couch a little bit, and I haven’t destroyed anything valuable in almost three months! And if Big Buddy told you about the time I puked on ~~his~~ my bed, well that was an accident, okay? I usually puke on the carpet like a civilized cat.

Please, Santa, the only thing I want this year is a Roomba!

Your friend,

Buddy

PS: Look at how much fun it is!