Tag: lazy cats

Cat Performs Record 26 Tricks In A Minute

“Hey Bud, c’mere!”

“I’m lounging.”

“Get your lazy ass up and come here!”

“This better be good…”

“Check it out, little dude: This cat performs 26 tricks in 60 seconds.”

“That’s a world record. Whattya think, wanna try to beat it?”

“No.”

“Aw, come on! You can already do stop, sit, high-five and fist bump. It’ll be fun. You only need to learn 23 more.”

“Sounds like a lot of work. I’m just not that ambitious, Grand Amigo.”

“Seriously? You’re gonna let some Austrian cat claim the title of world’s smartest kitty?”

“I’m sure she needs it. What else is there to do in that backwater country except drink Foster’s and punch kangaroos?”

“Austrian, not Australian.”

“That’s what I said. G’day, matey! Beautiful day to skip uni, how ’bout we throw some shrimp on the barbie and drink our non-alcoholic beer?”

“Austria. It’s a different country, you idiot.”

“Now you’re just trying to confuse me so I’ll agree to learn more tricks. I will not fall for another one of your schemes, human!”

Buddy the Cat

Cats Win ‘Laziest Species’ At 212th Annual Animal Awards

NEW YORK — Domestic cats swept the Laziest Species category at the 212th Annual Animal Awards on Friday night.

Accepting the award on behalf of all cats, Chonkmatic the Magnificent waddled on stage, took a short nap, then was helped up to the podium, where he yawned and addressed the audience.

“Thank you!” Chonkmatic said, allowing others to hoist the award for him. “We didn’t work hard at all to earn this recognition, and that makes it even more satisfying.”

Chonkmatic went on to list several other cats who made the award possible by demonstrating remarkable laziness, before handing off the list to his assistant so he could be carried off stage for a snack and another nap.

Jaguars, the apex predators of South America, were recognized in the wild cat category for the remarkable achievement of ruling more than two million square miles of rainforest while napping approximately 70 percent of the time.

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Prolific nappers: Panthera Onca, the jaguar.

The big cats of the Amazon prerecorded an acceptance speech because the award show was scheduled to interfere with their napping schedule.

“We are honored to receive this award,” Ahau-K’in, the King of Jaguars, said in the message. “If you could just deliver it to us, that’d be great. In fact, you can leave it at the Temple of Palenque, but bring it up the stairs, mind. We don’t want to have to drag that thing up here.”

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Buddy the Cat sleeping on Big Buddy the Human.

Sharing in the recognition was Buddy the Cat, who “showed us all that a new style of napping is possible by training our humans never to move if we’re sleeping on top of them.”

“The New York cat also developed new techniques for prompting humans to deliver snacks directly to their feline overlords,” the judges wrote. “After all, why should we come running at the sound of a crinkly bag being opened? The snacks should be placed before us, requiring as little effort as possible to eat them and leaving more time for yawning, stretching and lazing.”

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BRING THE SNACKS TO ME.
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Chonkmatic the Cat has been chosen to negotiate on behalf of all living beings on Earth. Credit: SPCA of Wake County