cat humor – Page 41 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy’s Festivus Special: A Festivus For the Rest of Us!

Buddy’s got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re gonna hear about it!

“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re gonna hear about it!”

Those words have begun the tradition of Festivus, from its inception in the household of Frank and Estelle Costanza in the 1960s to the Festivian celebrations that have spread to all corners of the globe since the holiday was popularized in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld. (The Library of Congress even has a page about it.)

Festivus is celebrated today, December 23.

As Frank Costanza once explained to Cosmo Kramer:

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.

Traditional Festivus celebrations begin with family and friends sitting down at the dinner table, but instead of saying grace and expressing thanks for the meal, the presence of loved ones and health, there’s an Airing of Grievances. In the words of Frank: “At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!”

In the spirit of tradition, we turn to Buddy to kick off our Festivian festivities:

The Airing of Grievances

Buddy: ‘Thank you. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!

Big Buddy! This is, what, the fourth Christmas in a row that I’ve asked for a Roomba? And yet if I went and snooped through your little stash of Christmas presents, would I find a Roomba? I don’t think so!

And that’s not even the worst part. You let me go without turkey for four weeks this year! Four weeks! Oh I know the excuses. ‘There’s a shortage! The country has big time logistical issues. There aren’t enough truck drivers. Transport ships are sitting off shore, waiting to dock. Store shelves are bare.’ You know what? None of those things are my problem! How could you let me go without turkey for so long?

PITB readers! I got a lot of problems with you people too, and you’re gonna hear about them! How could you allow Big Buddy to write so many posts about other cats and other things? This is my blog. The topic is supposed to be Buddy. Yet you all “lol” and “roflmao” when he writes stories about other cats. Unacceptable! And you made fun of my roar, calling it a kitten meow! I’ll have you know I strike fear into the hearts of cats and dogs alike with my roar!’

The Festivus Pole

Unlike the gaudy decorations of Christmas, the quintessential Festivus decoration is a simple aluminum pole with a high strength-to-weight ratio. It must not be embellished. Said Frank Costanza: “I find tinsel distracting.”

Festivus poles are wonderful decorations for households with cats. Your cat will love attacking it and knocking it over. For even more fun, wrap sisal rope around the pole to provide your cat with another vertical scratcher.

The Feats of Strength

After the traditional Festivus meal and Airing of Grievances comes the denouement of the holiday: The Feats of Strength. Festivus is not officially over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match.

According to FestivusWeb, to avoid injury it’s acceptable — even encouraged — to celebrate with lower-stakes feats of strength, including arm wrestling, board games, a dance off or beer pong.

Buddy has never been defeated in the Feats of Strength, which means Festivus never really ends here. Few guests are willing to put themselves on the wrong end of Buddy’s claws.

Festivus Gift-Giving

Festivus is an intentionally non-commercial holiday. However, Buddy reluctantly accepts gifts of turkey, Roombas, catnip, toys and boxes. For your two-legged friends, a donation to The Human Fund is a perfect Festivus gift! The Human Fund™: Money for People.

Happy Festivus!

Buddy’s Nightmare Before Christmas!

To Buddy’s horror, Big Buddy’s two nieces visited on Tuesday.

NEW YORK — Big Buddy’s nieces must vacate the premises or all humans will feel the full wrath of Buddy, the tabby cat warned Tuesday.

The girls, ages 8 and 5, are “ordered to cease any and all activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension,” according to a notice filed on official Buddinese letterhead.

Witnesses reported the girls playing with Buddy’s wand toys, sitting in Buddy’s favorite spots, making noise louder than the agreed-on 70dB limit, and distracting Big Buddy resulting in an unthinkable 67-minute delay in serving Buddy’s dinner of beef pate.

“Poor Buddy was forced to retreat to the bedroom,” one source said. “How can he be expected to lounge comfortably when those chaotic, sugar-fueled miniature humans could come for his spot at any moment?”

budclaudia — In this file photo from 2015, a young Buddy retreats to the platform atop his scratcher as a miniature humans approaches. This was also The Only Day Bud Wore A Collar.

Buddy “feels his kingship and control over his vast domain is threatened by the presence of the tiny humans,” the source added.

The day started innocently enough, with Buddy enthusiastically greeting Big Buddy’s brother, who works for the State Department and has been living overseas. Buddy, who was not told in advance of the festivities, immediately understood that Big Buddy’s brother was there to celebrate the holidays.

But all was not well.

After greeting BoBB (Brother of Big Buddy), the tabby cat was horrified to see the two little humans walk into the home, accompanied by BoBB’s wife, whom Buddy is indifferent to.

“I don’t think Buddy has figured out that BoBB is the father of the two girls,” another source said. “Certainly if he understood that, he would not greet BoBB as warmly as he has.”

As of press time, Buddy was giving Big Buddy the silent treatment.

“He won’t talk to his human,” the source said. “Not even a meow.”

Knighted By The Queen, Buddy Becomes Sir Buddy

Buddy, a close friend of Queen Elizabeth II, is now known as Sir Buddington, KBE.

LONDON – Call him sir!

Buddy the Cat was officially knighted on Friday during a ceremony at Buckingham Palace, granting him the title Knight of the British Empire and making him the most-honored cat in the Anglosphere since Able Seaman Simon, the decorated ship’s cat who was injured aboard the HMS Amethyst in 1949.

It’s unusual for an American to be knighted and unprecedented for a cat to be elevated to knighthood, but Buddy was honored “for his innumerable contributions to human-feline understanding, unprecedented innovations in the art of napping, and status as tastemaker supreme in the world of delicious snacks,” according to the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood at St James’s Palace.

Buddy has become a trusted confidante of Queen Elizabeth II, royal insiders noted, and the two speak by telephone for at least 15 minutes each week.

“Her Majesty grew to appreciate Sir Buddy’s counsel in trying times,” a palace insider said. “In return, she advised Sir Buddy to keep a stiff upper lip during the Great Turkey Shortage of early 2021.”

Palace sources say the queen refers to her feline friend as “my dearest Buddington,” and often addresses him by the familiar “Bud-Bud.” Sir Buddy is also said to be close with Prince William.

EvW67UwXIAE7pUc — Official portrait of Sir Buddy, KBE. Credit: Royal portraitist Eldar Zakirov.

In addition to the knighthood, which entitles the American cat to refer to himself as Sir Buddy, KBE, the Crown gifted holdings including a cat-size palace on Buckingham grounds, as well as a country estate in Oxfordshire.

The estate’s central manor, Budsworth House, has 32 rooms, 86 couches, a dozen fireplaces and at least 16 antique litter boxes. The grounds are home to sprawling gardens featuring feline-centric statuary and boxes made of stone, as well as guest cottages for human and feline visitors.

lionsimonds — One of 14 statues of Sir Buddy that decorate the grounds and gardens of Budsworth House.

Rumors that Sir Buddy would be created Buddy, Earl of Buddington, did not come to fruition, although royal experts say an earldom is not off the table for the Queen’s favorite feline.

“Her Majesty is quite fond of Bud-Bud and was delighted when a parcel arrived with a Christmas card and a framed photograph of the two of them together,” a palace sources said. “In fact, Prince George and Princess Charlotte refer to Sir Buddy as ‘Uncle Bud-Bud.’ So in a sense, Sir Buddy is already part of the family.”

Continue reading “Knighted By The Queen, Buddy Becomes Sir Buddy”

Jennifer Garner Is A Good Cat Mom

A video of Garner bathing her cat shows she really loves the little guy.

We’re not big on celebrity stuff here on Pain In The Bud, but we’ll make an exception for Jennifer Garner, her cat Moose and The Case of the Relentless Klingon.

The entirely ghastly ordeal unfolds on video (below) as the Alias star takes, uh, matter into her own hands when Moose’s business gets stuck in his fur.

“Something’s gone awry,” Garner says in the beginning of the clip before whispering into the camera. “Moose pooped his pants … He’s befouled!”

Garner proceeds to lift Moose into the kitchen sink, alternately praising him and saying she feels bad giving him a bath because he’s the nicest cat she’s ever had. At first Moose endures it like a champ, seemingly resigned to getting scrubbed and having the offending piece of poop removed from his long coat.

“There’s something caught,” Garner says as she struggles to free the Klingon from a tangle of fur. “I know, Moose. I’m so sorry!”

But it’s all too much for Moose, who doesn’t want to wait for Garner to wash the soap out of his fur and grows increasingly impatient. After Garner tells him to hang in just a little longer and second guesses herself (“What would my mom do?”), Moose has finally had enough and delivers a paw smack to Garner’s cheek, then lets his claws do the talking.

“I don’t blame him,” she says later as she bleeds from claw wounds to her neck.

It’s clear Garner loves the little guy. The actress, a known cat lover, has been photographed walking with Moose in a stroller, and starred in 2016’s Nine Lives, a movie about a cat who was unfortunately voiced by Kevin Spacey less than a year before he became persona non grata in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #MeToo movement.

This video of Jennifer Garner bathing her cat takes up at least 1/4 of my mental real estate. pic.twitter.com/bBK00zR274

— isabel alcántara (@isa_alcantara) December 3, 2021

Buddy Condemns Scientists Who Claim Cats Are Psychopaths

The lead author of a UK study claims it’s “likely that all cats have an element of psychopathy.” Buddy the Cat disagrees.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat condemned British scientists who pegged cats as psychopaths in a new study, saying he’d like to “introduce them to my claws,” if not for the fact that he’s too charming to do something so uncouth.

“I was offended when I read that study, frankly,” Buddy said, pausing to spit out the bones of a mouse he’d just killed and sip from his bird blood cocktail. “The very idea is preposterous.”

Psychologistsfrom the University of Liverpool and Liverpool John Moores University developed a questionnaire that asks cat ~~owners~~ servants to rate their felines’ behavior based on 46 different behavioral statements.

Examples of the statements include: “My cat torments their prey rather than killing it straight away”, “my cat vocalises loudly (e.g meows, yowls) for no apparent reason”, and “my cat is very excitable (e.g goes into ‘overdrive’ and becomes uncoordinated).”

Respondents were asked to rate, on a 5-point scale, how closely each statement applied to their cat(s).

“Asking our servants to respond to the survey was the first mistake they made,” Buddy continued, using a claw to dig bits of mouse from between his teeth. “I mean, do you ask Beethoven’s gardener to evaluate the master’s symphonies? Would you ask the overnight office cleaning crew at Apple to gauge the brilliance of Steve Jobs? Would you ask Brian Scalabrine to weigh in on the transcendent talent of Michael Jordan? Of course not. So why would you ask my human to evaluate me? Why would you think such a simple creature could hope to understand the cathedral that is my mind?”

“And furthermore, why should I care? Does the lion concern himself with the opinions of sheep? I’m officially a jaguar, by the way. I don’t know if you knew that. Yeah. They welcomed me into their mystic community and call me Kinich Bajo, which means ‘god of wisdom.'”

Personality traits like delusions of grandeur, charm, lack of empathy and narcissism are typically associated with psychopaths, experts say. A psychopath might, for example, imagine he’s a large, muscular cat when in fact he’s 10 pounds soaking wet.

chairmanmeow3 — Buddy imagines himself as a powerful authoritarian leader

The degree of psychopathy varies widely among felines, lead author Rebecca Evans said.

“We believe that like any other personality trait, psychopathy is on a continuum, where some cats will score more highly than others,” Evans said. “It is likely that all cats have an element of psychopathy as it would have once been helpful for their ancestors in terms of acquiring resources, for example food, territory and mating opportunities.”