“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re gonna hear about it!”
Those words have begun the tradition of Festivus, from its inception in the household of Frank and Estelle Costanza in the 1960s to the Festivian celebrations that have spread to all corners of the globe since the holiday was popularized in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld. (The Library of Congress even has a page about it.)
Festivus is celebrated today, December 23.
As Frank Costanza once explained to Cosmo Kramer:
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.
Traditional Festivus celebrations begin with family and friends sitting down at the dinner table, but instead of saying grace and expressing thanks for the meal, the presence of loved ones and health, there’s an Airing of Grievances. In the words of Frank: “At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!”
In the spirit of tradition, we turn to Buddy to kick off our Festivian festivities:
The Airing of Grievances
Buddy: ‘Thank you. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!
Big Buddy! This is, what, the fourth Christmas in a row that I’ve asked for a Roomba? And yet if I went and snooped through your little stash of Christmas presents, would I find a Roomba? I don’t think so!
And that’s not even the worst part. You let me go without turkey for four weeks this year! Four weeks! Oh I know the excuses. ‘There’s a shortage! The country has big time logistical issues. There aren’t enough truck drivers. Transport ships are sitting off shore, waiting to dock. Store shelves are bare.’ You know what? None of those things are my problem! How could you let me go without turkey for so long?
PITB readers! I got a lot of problems with you people too, and you’re gonna hear about them! How could you allow Big Buddy to write so many posts about other cats and other things? This is my blog. The topic is supposed to be Buddy. Yet you all “lol” and “roflmao” when he writes stories about other cats. Unacceptable! And you made fun of my roar, calling it a kitten meow! I’ll have you know I strike fear into the hearts of cats and dogs alike with my roar!’
The Festivus Pole
Unlike the gaudy decorations of Christmas, the quintessential Festivus decoration is a simple aluminum pole with a high strength-to-weight ratio. It must not be embellished. Said Frank Costanza: “I find tinsel distracting.”
Festivus poles are wonderful decorations for households with cats. Your cat will love attacking it and knocking it over. For even more fun, wrap sisal rope around the pole to provide your cat with another vertical scratcher.
The Feats of Strength
After the traditional Festivus meal and Airing of Grievances comes the denouement of the holiday: The Feats of Strength. Festivus is not officially over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match.
According to FestivusWeb, to avoid injury it’s acceptable — even encouraged — to celebrate with lower-stakes feats of strength, including arm wrestling, board games, a dance off or beer pong.
Buddy has never been defeated in the Feats of Strength, which means Festivus never really ends here. Few guests are willing to put themselves on the wrong end of Buddy’s claws.
Festivus is an intentionally non-commercial holiday. However, Buddy reluctantly accepts gifts of turkey, Roombas, catnip, toys and boxes. For your two-legged friends, a donation to The Human Fund is a perfect Festivus gift! The Human Fund™: Money for People.
4 thoughts on “Buddy’s Festivus Special: A Festivus For the Rest of Us!”
Little Buddy has some valid grievances! You need to step it up so we don’t experience Buddy’s wrath!
Indeed, the Airing of Grievances is an important part not only of the holiday, but of setting expectations for the following year. How else would we learn how to better serve our feline masters?
Happy Festivus Buddy & human family. May every ornament be made of turkey & every candle lit be used to heat up raw treats. Now you have to stop being ridiculously handsome it’s making it hard for others to even compete! Your blog has half turned me into an addict who looks longingly for posts from you. I should be doing other things…but NO I’m reading you! I will not do battle with you as I will surely lose so I am waving my white flag allowing you the win which you had before I started (Not too fair but true). Humans have issues but cats have Cattitude & I’ve learned from my Oreo Boy that Cattitude generally prevails over my silly issues so there, you win 2x. Have the best Festivus for the rest of us & yes, I will surely be reading your blog & Quora posts long past these holidays & honestly I’m grateful & Oreo is proud to have another Roar-er in his world. Take Care & May Turkey Rain Down Upon You All The Days of Your Nine Lives. XoX ❣
Thanks for the kind words, Deborah, they mean a lot. I hope you and Oreo are having a great Christmas and holiday. Of course Buddy loves hearing about what a handsome boy he is! Merry Christmas and Happy Festivus for the rest of us!
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