Blog Posts

Hallelujah! I Can Wipe My Ass Again!

Big Buddy finds TP, while Little Buddy perfects his methods to wake his human up on command.

You know your dreams are small when you’re wildly excited about toilet paper.

I braved a trip outdoors today to head to a local pharmacy where there was one pathetic shelf stocked with maybe two dozen rolls of TP, some paper towels and tissues, limit two per customer.

It was like finding gold!

I thanked the people at the pharmacy — a mom and pop shop — profusely for limiting purchases to put off the hoarders, and for staying open. We lionize cops and emergency services personnel, and everyone’s been extremely grateful for our healthcare professionals. They deserve the praise.

But we tend to forget about the people who work at grocery stores and pharmacies, those essential pillars of life that keep this country running and keep social order from collapsing. Cashiers, stock boys and pharmacy techs don’t make a lot of money — certainly not compared to doctors and nurses — and they don’t get pensions like cops and firefighters.

Yet they show up to work, despite the danger. We should all be thankful for them, and let them know we appreciate them. Even a simple thanks or enquiring about their safety lets them know we’re thinking of them and we’re grateful for what they do.

 

Buddy Buddy

Okay. No one comes here to read about my bathroom habits, and I vowed not to let the virus stuff temper the humor on this blog. You guys come here for cat humor and to read about His Grace, Buddy the Magnificent, not for the same depressing crap you can read on news sites.

In the past I’ve written about Buddy the Real Cat vs Buddy the Cartoonish Internet Cat, but after I wrote the post this week about Buddy the Kitten attacking me in my sleep, I thought it’s probably worth mentioning that even the most outrageously ridiculous Buddy stories on this blog have a kernel of truth to them, and in some cases are very close to the truth.

So while Buddy might not build trebuchets to launch water balloons at me while I’m sleeping, he does have an entire repertoire of incredibly annoying methods to rouse me from sleep.

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It’s not because he’s hungry. I put down a bowl of Blue Buffalo kibble and fresh water before going to bed so His Grace doesn’t have to wake me when he’s got the munchies.

Nope, it’s because he wants to play, because he wants me to wake up, rub his head and tell him what a good boy he is while he purrs.

His go-to method is simply yowling loudly and incessantly, but I’ve countered that with earplugs. Haha!

When that doesn’t work, he’ll pad over to the kibble bag and rustle it as loudly and annoyingly as possible. And if he still can’t get me up, he goes to his litter box and starts punching the door flap over and over and over again: THUMP! creak! THUMP! creak! THUMP! creak! The earplugs don’t insulate that sound as well, so that usually wakes me.

The nuclear option, when all else fails, is walking on my head and screaming in my ear.

That, of course, is when I hurl all sorts of vile invective at him. People who read this blog know I love my cat, I care deeply for his safety and happiness, and I often put his needs before my own. But if someone who knows nothing about me heard the stuff that comes out of my mouth when Buddy’s trying to wake me up, they’d think I’m a terrible person.

Let’s just say it typically involves threats of defenestration, selling him to the local Chinese restaurant, punting him like a field goal kicker, and calling him a furry little shitball.

He may not be able to understand my words, but he definitely understands my tone, and still it doesn’t phase him. He knows me too well, including the fact that when I finally drag my ass out of bed and sit down with a cup of coffee, I’ll rub his head and call him a good boy as he purrs.

Kitten Buddy Celebrates Successful Ambush

A look back at a 2014 article from our archives when Buddy was just an innocent little kitten.

From the archives: June 17, 2014

NEW YORK — Buddy the Kitten celebrated another successful ambush on Tuesday after violently rousing his human from sleep, sources said.

The 14-week-old gray tabby howled with delight after climbing up onto the bed and launching himself at his human’s face, landing belly-first with a delightful THWAP! as the big stupid human screamed and bolted upright.

Buddy the Kitten promptly retreated to a dark corner of the bedroom, shaking his butt and trilling with joyful anticipation until he heard his human, Big Buddy, begin to snore again.

With a battle cry of “Rrrrrrrrrrr!” the 4.5-lb kitten chomped down on the human’s exposed foot, which was fortuitously left uncovered by the protective blanket when Big Buddy shifted during his sleep.

“Shit!” the human howled, recoiling from the kitten’s shark teeth and claws. “Let me sleep, you little jerk, or I’m selling you to Szechuan Garden II!”

At press time Buddy the Kitten was planning an elaborate new attack involving a makeshift trebuchet and a water balloon, and said he was unconcerned about his human’s threats to sell him to the local Chinese restaurant: “I am a good boy!”

He would likely leave that attack for the following night, the playful kitten said.

“I has to purr in the morning so my human thinks I’m just a sweet little kitten and feeds me turkeys,” Buddy the Kitten said. “Then I make war again! Muahahaha!”

Buddy the Very Handsome Kitten
“I’m just a cute widdle kitten! I didn’t mean to attack you, I swears.”

 

How Are These Cats NOT Murdering Their Humans?

Buddy is horrified by the latest trends in cat grooming!

This isn’t exactly a new trend, but apparently it’s becoming more popular among people who want to become Instagram-famous.

Apparently they’re called dragon and lion cuts, and they’re available at fine groomers everywhere for people who view their pets as toys.

I showed these to Buddy and wrote down his comments:

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Buddy: “What is this? My eyes! The horror!”

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Buddy: “The indignity! If you did this to me I’d shred you like taco cheese!”

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Buddy: “What am I thinking about? Murder!”

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Buddy: “Oh hell no!”

Buddy: “This confirms dogs are dumb and way too trusting. People say cats are paranoid and too high strung, but you’ll never see a cat groomed to look like pixelated Styrofoam.”

Hug Your Cats Tight, Don’t Let Them Out Of Sight

With news of the first infected cat comes panic and misinformation that could prove deadly to our loyal little friends.

Cats have been a Godsend in this era of social distancing.

People are looking for something — anything — to get their minds off grim reality and the repetitive, depressing 24/7 virus coverage that dominates television.

Cats have delivered. Our furry friends have been covering themselves in glory, providing an endless supply of viral videos and making people smile just by being their endearing, quirky selves.

Most of all they’ve been there for us at home, soothing anxieties and lowering blood pressure with each lap they claim and each affectionate nuzzle. We may be isolated from other people, but when there’s a cat in the house you never feel truly alone. (If for nothing else, their meows at meal time will make sure of that.)

For me it’s not even a question: Without my Buddy, I’d be slipping into depression of a kind that can’t be cured with Netflix bingeing, books or games.

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Little Buddy the Cat on March 27, 2020.

Now we’ve got to return the favor and protect our cats.

The first “confirmed” case of a cat contracting COVID-19 has come from Belgium, where a veterinary lab ran tests on a sick cat with respiratory problems and concluded the cat picked up the virus from her human.

“The cat lived with her owner, who started showing symptoms of the virus a week before the cat did,” said Steven Van Gucht, a public health official in Belgium, according to the Brussels Times. “The cat had diarrhea, kept vomiting and had breathing difficulties. The researchers found the virus in the cat’s feces.”

This is not good news.

Medical diagnostic labs in the US have tested thousands of pets for COVID-19 and haven’t found a single infected animal.

The World Health Organization has repeatedly said there is no evidence of dogs or cats serving as hosts for the virus or infecting humans, although that organization has killed its own credibility with its effusive praise for the Chinese government, and by parroting Chinese insistence that the virus couldn’t be transmitted from human to human. (WHO continued telling the world there was no evidence of contagion through late January, some six weeks after it was clear the virus was multiplying.)

The deadly consequences of misinformation

Unfortunately that didn’t stop innumerable people from abandoning their cats and dogs in China, leaving them in apartments and houses to starve. One Chinese animal welfare group, which is partnered with Humane Society International, says “tens of thousands” of pets were abandoned.

Some Chinese territories instructed people to kill their pets, and there are sickening reports of people clubbing defenseless animals to death in the streets.

That may not be surprising in China, which has an abominable record on human and animal rights, but now there are disturbing reports from all over the world. Shelter operators in the UK, for instance, say they’re fielding calls from people who want to abandon their pets because of the Coronavirus.

“Mostly, it’s people who haven’t got access to the right information online,” Claire Jones, who works at a shelter in Stoke-on-Trent, told the BBC. “It’s a nightmare.”

Misinformation and confusion are compounding the problem, the result of a new media ecosystem in which news is whatever a person’s social circle posts on their feeds and news consumers don’t distinguish between reliable press outlets (Wall Street Journal, Associated Press, Reuters, etc) and the thousands of less scrupulous sites masquerading as legitimate sources of news.

Thus, when a dog in China tested positive for trace elements of Coronavirus — but blood tests were negative — sites like Quartz wasted no time pumping out headlines declaring that dogs and cats can be infected.

Exercising caution with information

It looks like the Belgium case is another in which fact and nuance are sacrificed for clicks. Belgian virologist Hans Nauwynck is among the skeptics who believe veterinary authorities in his country acted too rashly.

“Before sending this news out into the world, I would have had some other tests carried out,” Nauwynck told the Brussels Times.

To confirm the positive test, the lab used a polymerase chain reaction, or PCR. A PCR test “allows scientists to multiply a very small sample of genetic material to produce a quantity large enough to study,” the Times noted. But the test only confirmed that the cat suffered from a flu-like virus. It did not specifically match the viral infection with COVID-19.

“A clear link between virus excretion and clinical signs cannot be established, in part because other possible causes for the cat’s illness were not excluded,” wrote Ginger Macaulay, a veterinarian in Lexington, South Carolina.

In addition, authorities didn’t rule out the possibility that the sample was contaminated or maintain a forensic chain of possession that would ensure it was properly handled.

“I would advise people to slow down,” Nauwynck said. “There may somehow have been genetic material from the owner in the sample, and so the sample is contaminated.”

To be absolutely certain, he said, more tests should have been done to confirm the initial result, and certainly before making an announcement to the world. Veterinary authorities should have tested for the presence of antibodies in the cat’s system as well, he said, which is a sign that an immune system is fighting off an infection.

“I’m worried that people will be scared by this news and animals will be the ones to suffer, and that’s not right. As scientists we ought to put out clear and full information, and I don’t think that has happened.”

With reports about the infected cat spreading across the globe — and adding to existing fears — the Belgian virologist said panic could override reason, with catastrophic consequences for our little feline friends.

“I wouldn’t wish to be a cat tomorrow.”

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A cat on a lead in China is protected with a face mask. Credit: AsiaWire

A Cat Mixed With A Koala?

A Russian artist catifies other animals like real-life Pokémon. The results are amusing, cute and sometimes a bit freaky.

Thanks to a Russian artist with a skilled hand at Photoshop, we now have an answer to a question no one asked: Can other animals be improved by catifying them?

The answer is yes, at least for the furry ones.

Like this KoalaCat:

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This moncat. Or macatque:

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Credit: Koty Vezde

This cabbit:

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Credit: Koty Vezde

This not-very-amused looking ceep (shat?):

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Credit: Koty Vezde

And this Canda, or Pancat:

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And finally this Cedgehog:

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Credit: Koty Vezde

The artist, Galina Bugaevskaya, posts her creations to an Instagram account she created and dubbed Koty Vezde, Russian for “Cats Are Everywhere.” The 29-year-old is based in Moscow and, not surprisingly, she has her own feline overlords.

Visit Bugaevskaya’s Instagram and VK pages to see more.

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Credit: Galina Bugaevskaya