Cat Person collaborated with “design agency” Layer for the Cat Person Collection, utilizing what its creators call a “minimal, contemporary aesthetic” meant to be “proudly displayed in the home and on social media.”
If by contemporary they mean overpriced crap in pastel colors that wouldn’t look out of place on the 80s-era USS Enterprise D, then I suppose it could work.
“Where do you want the litter box, Captain?”
The “collection” has two items — the $40 “Mesa Bowl” that was allegedly designed to combat whisker fatigue, but looks like one bowl stacked on top of another and placed on a cafeteria tray; and the “Canopy Bed,” an $80 cushion that your cat will never use.
The press release for the Cat Person collection, which contains much self-congratulatory language about “disrupting industries” and other marketing-speak, claims the “collection” was based on extensive research into the wants and needs of cat owners, particularly millennials.
As a millennial who almost qualifies as a Gen-Xer, I suspect someone swapped out that research with a home decor survey from 1986, and this is the result.
We don’t accept money from sponsors or advertisers — hell, we don’t even have any ads — so any mention of cat-related products and food on this site is purely for the benefit of our readers. If at some point we get greedy and some company buys Buddy’s loyalty with a lifetime’s supply of turkey treats, we’ll fully disclose that conflict of interest.
Humans home too much lately? Buddy’s got a solution!
Dear Buddy,
There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.
WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.
Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.
Do you know why this is happening?
– Perturbed in Pensacola
Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo
Dear Perturbed,
I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.
Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.
I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)
Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!
That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.
I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!
From Tic-Cat-Toe to Zoomies Bowling, people and their cats look to stave off boredom.
You’re bored, we’re bored, everyone’s bored.
We’re all living like hermits these days, hunkered down at home, trying to limit our exposure to the Coronavirus while risking cabin fever.
We’re trying to find new activities here in El Casa de Buddy: There aren’t any live sports, the new season of Netflix’s awesome action drama Kingdom only had six episodes, and there are only so many times you can watch humorous clips of idiots playing trombones on bikes or Ali G exasperating another poor soul with his profound stupidity. (“It’s a farm. Do you know what a farm is?” “It’s a rubbish zoo.”)
Necessity being the mother of invention and all that, people have begun inventing sports to play with their cats.
Cat cricket:
I’ve invented a game of “cat cricket”.
🏏My cat has to defend the box from my ping pong ball.
🏏If the ball hits the cardboard, that’s a point to me. 🤷🏻♂️
Inspired by the creativity of other feline servants, I put a few suggestions to Buddy.
“Hey Bud, wanna play cat soccer?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a game. We take a ball and…”
“Nope. Got napping to do.”
“Uh, okay. How about cat golf? I’ll cut a hole in a cardboard box and…”
“Don’t you dare defile a box!”
“But it’ll be fun! Come on, little dude.”
“I have an idea for a game.”
“You do?”
“Yep. It’s called Buddy takes a nap, and Big Buddy stays quiet otherwise Little Buddy bites him. We start playing now.”
So there you have it. We’re gonna try our hand/paw at competitive napping, which I suppose works for us since Buddy’s favorite way to nap is curling up on top of me.
If any of our readers have found novel ways to simultaneously entertain themselves and their feline masters, please do share.
Insisting that cats are the true rulers of planet Earth, emissaries of a new alien species spurned human leaders during first contact.
WASHINGTON — First contact between humanity and an alien race known as the Zxorxax faced a hiccup on Thursday after the alien delegation demanded a meeting with Earth’s felines.
US and UN leaders were left momentarily confused when one of the Zxorxax leaders interrupted a welcoming ceremony on the White House lawn to issue the demand.
“On this momentous day, the human race extends a warm welcome and rejoices in the knowledge that we are not alone in the univ…”
“Human stop talking!” the Zxorxax Supreme Chancellor, Xoralundra, said while interrupting UN Secretary-General António Guterres. “We demand to speak to the superior race on this planet.”
With the entire world watching via television and satellite feeds, Guterres, American President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Jean-Jacques Claude Louis Macron exchanged pained glances.
“Uh, Supreme Chancellor, you are speaking to the leaders of the human…” Macron began.
“You will be silent, or perish in the purifying blaze of our parametric space-time weaponry!” said an aid to the Supreme Chancellor who identified himself only as the Herald of Xora. “We did not ask to speak to a frog.”
“We will treat only with the great warrior species of your planet,” Xoralundra proclaimed in a booming voice after a long moment of pained silence. “Bring forth the felines.”
French President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Claude-Baptiste Luc Jean-Rene Landry Louis Macron and American President Donald Trump were snubbed by the Zxorxaxian emissaries to Earth.
By late afternoon White House officials had cleared a conference room for the Zxorxax, where they met with a feline delegation headed by a house cat named Chonkmatic the Magnificent. The world’s most powerful human leaders were left in the hallway outside as the aliens conducted negotiations with the felines.
New York Times reporter Bat Segundo, who was among a handful of media observers permitted inside the negotiation room, said the Zxorxax were delighted when they presented Chonkmatic and his delegation with a priceless artifact from the Zxorxaxian home world as a gift of good will, and the overweight tabby responded by swiping the offering off the table.
“You see?” Xoralundra called out, addressing his fellow Zxorxax. “These felines are great warriors who care not for baubles and riches, unlike the inferior humans of this planet who are besotted with shiny objects.”
Asked later why his delegation demanded to meet with house cats, the Supreme Chancellor said it was purely a matter of practicality.
“We knew upon approaching this system that real power lies in the paws of these impressive creatures,” Xoralundra said, addressing reporters. “Our long-range instrumentation revealed images of humans diligently serving these ‘cats,’ as you call them, and it became quickly apparent that while the humans rule in name, ‘cats’ are the true power on your world.”
The Zxorxax themselves refer to felines as “Sxarxion Hrath’gar,” an alien name that translates roughly to “Legendary Warriors of Great Renown and Prowess.”
Chonkmatic the Cat has been chosen to negotiate on behalf of all living beings on Earth. Credit: SPCA of Wake County
A second round of negotiations between the aliens and felines has been scheduled for Friday. The Zxorxax seek perpetual rights to Earth’s supply of greenhouse gases, which they consider a delicacy, while the cats have indicated they are willing to make a deal in exchange for a considerable number of alien boxes.
Allison Foley, Chonkmatic’s caretaker, said she would be staying in the White House with her cat as a special guest of the administration for the duration of the talks.
Chonkmatic would be taken back to his suite, fed his favorite brand of chicken wet food, and given the night off to rest before meeting with the aliens again the following day, she said.
“Who’s a good widdle boy? Who just negotiated with an alien race? That’s right, you did!” Foley told the obese cat, scratching behind his ears as he purred and nuzzled her. “Good boy wants yum yums? Okay, mommy’s taking you back to our suite now. Come on, my widdle baby cakes!”
Trump insisted it was always the plan to have the aliens negotiate with felines, and boasted of his “beautiful relationship” with the alien High Chancellor.
“High Chancellor Xoralundra wrote me a big, beautiful letter,” Trump tweeted at 3:22 am on Friday morning. “A tremendous letter, really terrific. The High Chancellor realizes that American cats are the number one cats in the world, they really are. We’re gonna make a deal with the aliens and benefit bigly!”
They’ve been mousers on interstellar starships, companions on long-haul freighters and — like Speaker to Animals, the Kzin from Larry Niven’s classic science fiction novel Ringworld — warriors of galactic repute leading dangerous expeditions to alien worlds.
Star Trek is no different.
Mention the topic of cats to any Trekkie and the first thing that probably comes to mind is Spot, the orange tabby cat who belonged to Commander Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Spot was a mainstay on the Enterprise-D, earning the respect of the Klingon Commander Worf and serving as Data’s muse for a hilarious poem in the cat’s honor, “Ode to Spot.”
One of the highlights of Star Trek: The Next Generation is watching the gruff Klingon learn that, unlike dogs, cats don’t give a damn about commands.
But cats play a much bigger role in the wider Star Trek universe than even many Trekkies realize.
The Caitians
A Caitian science officer in his Starfleet uniform. Source: STO
As fans of Star Trek know, the Federation is an alliance of peaceful worlds and races committed to exploration of the galaxy, friendship with new species and non-interference with developing civilizations.
What many may not realize, however, is just how many species are involved in the Federation. Some, like the Bajorans, Andorians and Betazoids, are seen pretty frequently in Trek shows and movies, but others have made only a few on-screen appearances.
Among the latter are the Caitians, described in Memory Alpha (the wiki of canon for Star trek) as “a warp-capable species resembling felines.”
Their home planet is known as Cait to other races, and Ferasa to the Caitians themselves, and is located within the Lynx constellation. They made their first live-action appearance in 1986’s Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home:
A Caitian Starfleet officer from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
Because of its origins as a network television show, budget has always been a major factor in the way aliens are depicted in Star Trek.
The show’s writers have come up with an elaborate back story for why so many alien species are humanoid, closely representing humankind, but the minor differences of most species — the ridged foreheads of Klingons and elfin ears of Vulcans — are for the most part remnants from the days when production crews had little money or time to create elaborate props and effects.
It’s also the reason why the Klingons, for example, were radically redesigned in the 2009 Star Trek reboot, with its lavish budget and SFX.
Klingons have been redesigned several times through the decades thanks to larger budgets and advances in special effects.
With a species like the Caitians, however, you either go all-in or not-at-all. That’s why the species has made only three appearances in Trek films to date, and why most of their exploits have been reserved for Trek novels and comics.
But the internet loves cats, and Star Trek Online, the massively multiplayer online game set in the Trek universe, saw enormous positive feedback when it added Caitians as a playable species back in 2011.
Here’s my very own Caitian starfleet captain from the game:
My Caitian character: The blue uniform indicates he rose through the ranks as a science officer before becoming a member of Starfleet’s admirality.
According to Star Trek lore, the Caitians share distant ancestry with the Kzin, the aforementioned war-like race of feline aliens from Niven’s Ringworld books.
That’s because Niven himself had a run as a writer for Trek comic books in the 1980s, and wrote his own creation into the wider Star Trek universe.
Kzinti warriors from Larry Niven’s Ringworld. The feline aliens were later introduced to the Star Trek universe by Niven himself when he penned a series of Trek comics.
Just like cats have a range of personalities, and breeds have their own unique characteristics — the gentle giant Maine Coons, the talkative Siamese — the felines of Star Trek have different lineages and dispositions.
While the Caitians are peaceful and staunch allies of humans and the Federation, the Kzinti are a bunch of war-loving lunatics who find great joy in blowing things up.
Thanks — or no thanks — to JJ Abrams, there are even “sexy Caitians,” like the pair we see in 2013’s Star Trek: Into Darkness. In the film we see Captain James T. Kirk, played by Chris Pine, waking up in a bed with two women. Both women have long, feline tails, and Abrams would later confirm they’re the alternate universe version of Caitians.
These Caitians are quite different. (Star Treek 2009 reboot.)
Maybe, just maybe, a handful of you non-Trekkies have made it this far. Maybe your love of cats kept you interested in this story, and you’re thinking to yourself, “I wonder what Star Trek is all about…”
In the spirit of the Federation, I leave you this parting gift. During these dark days of quarantine, should you browse Netflix and find yourself tempted by Star Trek: The Next Generation, here’s a guide to the entire cast that imagines each of them as cats. And not just any cats: Each kitty resembles its Enterprise crew counterpart.
Live long, my friends, and prosper!
(Star Trek Cats by artist Jenny Parks. Check out more at her site!)
Credit:Jenny ParksThe crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation as kitties. Credit: Jenny Parks
Pain In The Bud 