The haunted room, called an “elevator” by humans, eats its occupants.
NEW YORK — Cursing “those infernal humans and their sorcery,” Buddy the Cat tried to fall asleep on Monday night while forgetting the horrors he saw earlier that day.
The normally happy, outgoing cat slipped out of his own apartmental realm as his human was entering it and resumed exploring and charting the strange land outside, known only as The Hallway.
Buddy rounded a corner, exploring further than he’d ever been when he discovered a large room at the intersection of three corridors. The smells were alien to him. Set into the wall was a shiny metal door, wider than the others. A tone chimed and it opened briefly to a small empty room before closing again.
Buddy could hear a deep rumble and feel a trembling beneath his paw pads.
“That’s when the doors opened again, and a tall woman in a blue dress walked out,” Buddy recalled. “The room was conjuring people!”
Portals similar to the haunted room discovered by Buddy near his own realm.
But the foul sorcery that can create a human can also undo one, the cat confirmed gravely.
“The room is hungry and devours as much as it creates,” he said. “I saw humans enter and the next time it opened, they were gone!”
As of press time, the gray tabby cat was brainstorming ideas for luring dogs into the deadly chamber.
WASHINGTON — Looking to solve what he called “a major military crisis,” President Buddy addressed the nation on Friday night and begged young cats to consider the Navy and the Marines.
While the Army and Chair Force remained well-staffed and trained, the infamous feline aversion to water has made it all but impossible to recruit new sailors and marines, the president of the Americats said.
“We have, like, six guys in the Marines and one or two old mousers living in ships in dry dock,” Buddy said at a news conference. “That leaves us without naval power at a time when the Siamese threaten us at every turn and the Persians continue to pursue mewcular technology.”
Slick new advertisements created by a New York ad agency are designed to catch the interest of younger demographics and spark interest in naval careers.
“WATER: IT’S NOT SO BAD!” declares the first ad campaign, while “MARINES: YOU GET COOL GUNS!” is the tagline for the second campaign, which will be rolled out nationally with commercials and print/online advertisements.
The Purrtagon approved the recruiting ads after their allies in the United Katdom saw a significant uptick in enlistments and commissions following a similar campaign.
The Americat military was inspired by a series of patriotic recruiting posters designed by the United Katdom, which helped drive recruitment up more than 130 percent.
At the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at South Carolina’s Parris Island, jaguar drill sergeants were helping reticent cats overcome their fear of water.
“Get in there, you whiny little kittens, or I’ll throw you in myself!” barked Sgt. Junglestalker.
“What we’re doing is retraining our recruits so they don’t hesitate to jump into the water, whether it’s a calm lake or a roiling sea,” Junglestalker told reporters. “We do that with compassion, by recognizing the fear our recruits have, calling them scared little wimps, and ultimately tossing them into the pool if they refuse to jump.”
Asked how boot camp instructors handle cats who can’t swim, Junglestalker said: “They learn pretty quickly when you throw them in.”
Officials hope the new recruitment efforts will yield results before the brand new Turkey-class cruiser, the USS Delicious, is formally commissioned. Featuring .50-caliber hairball guns, a quick-launch claw grappler and cucumber missile launchers, the formidable new vessel needs a crew before it can deploy.
Purrtagon brass are also considering commissioning M4 Schroedinger tanks for the Marines. The box-shaped tanks have been very popular with cats in the Army, and feature a “play dead” mode, so enemies cannot be sure if tank crews remain alive inside until they open the hatch.
“I’m sorry we doubted you, Mr. Quaid. Now how can we help you?”
That’s how we imagine the initial call went when Dennis Quaid — the actor — saw photos of Dennis Quiad — the cat — and called the shelter, whose staff were initially suspicious, adoption manager Danielle Ulmer said.
“I was like there is no way this is real, like, someone is pranking us,” Ulmer told WSLS, the local ABC affiliate.
Quaid is co-founder of the podcast company Audio Up, which produces a cast called The Pet Show. Jimmy Jellinek, who hosts the show, worked with the shelter to set up a Zoom call so Quaid could meet his feline counterpart — and the shelter could see they weren’t dealing with an elaborate prank.
“It took us a while for them to actually believe us,” Jellinek said.
Jellinek is expected to fly to Virginia this weekend to pick up Dennis Quaid the Cat and bring him to his forever home in Los Angeles.
“It was really off the wall, but I just couldn’t resist. I had to,” Quaid told WSLS. “I’m out to save all the Dennis Quaids of the world.”
A female reader tries to get Buddy to understand he’s guilty of mansplaining.
Dear Buddy,
I don’t know if you realize this, but you have a bad habit of mansplaining things, both to females of your species as well as human women. You don’t want to be sexist, do you?
Resist the urge to explain things to women, Buddy. We’re not stupid.
Purrsia the Persian
Dear Purrsia,
What are you talking about? Mansplaining? Is that even a real word?
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
Yes it’s a real word! Mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when explained by other men. It’s quite rude, you know.
Purrsia
Dear Purrsia,
Sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. I think you’re making this whole thing up.
Buddy
“So as I was sayin’…”
Dear Buddy,
I am not making it up! Mansplaining is a real thing, and you do it all the time! I’m trying to explain it to you and you’re not listening! Typical male. Don’t think we don’t see your problematic behavior.
Purrsia
Dear Purrsia,
Whatever.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
You’ll have to forgive Purrsia, who seems a bit confused. Mansplaining is like dragons and hobbits: It doesn’t really exist. Anyway, the definition of this fake phenomenon is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when they’re explained by other men. Supposedly it’s rude.
Hope that clears things up.
Maximus Catimus Meridius, Commander of the Furry Legion, Ultimate Badass
Dear Maximus,
Of course! When you put it in a way that actually makes sense, it really isn’t a difficult concept. Thank you for illuminating me, good sir!
Buddy
“Blah, blah, blah..Let me tell you how it REALLY works!”
One of the highlights of my trip to Japan last summer was Gotokuji Temple, the famous “cat shrine” in Tokyo’s Setagaya suburb.
Gotokuji is home to thousands of statues of maneki-neko, or “beckoning cat,” an important and ubiquitous image in Japan: Statues of maneki-neko adorn shops and virtually every public place in Tokyo, but Gotokuji is where the legend of the beckoning cat was born. Visitors write prayers on the statues and ask for good luck for a variety of venture, from opening new businesses to getting married.
There is, however, only one current feline resident at Gotokuji, while Kyoto’s Nyan Nyan Ji — literally “meow meow shrine” — is populated exclusively by feline “monks,” who wear monkly garb and take their duties — especially napping, er, meditating — very seriously.
The most recognizable of them is Koyuki, the chief cat priestess at Nyan Nyan Ji.
Here are some photos, all courtesy of the temple’s Instagram, showing what life is like for Koyuki and her fellow priests:
“This is how it’s supposed to be, humans: You kneeling before us. Those ancient Egyptians had it right.”
“I can call upon powerful minions to smite you whenever I please.”
“Tiny humans are permitted to touch my holy personage.”
“And here is the nursery, where it’s currently reading time for our kittens…”
“Walk with me on the path to deliciousness…”
“Read the sign! We’re not open until I says so. Now if you please, I have napping to do.”
Pain In The Bud 