Tag: US military

President Buddy Begs Cats To Join Navy, Marines: ‘Don’t Be Scared of Water!’

WASHINGTON — Looking to solve what he called “a major military crisis,” President Buddy addressed the nation on Friday night and begged young cats to consider the Navy and the Marines.

While the Army and Chair Force remained well-staffed and trained, the infamous feline aversion to water has made it all but impossible to recruit new sailors and marines, the president of the Americats said.

“We have, like, six guys in the Marines and one or two old mousers living in ships in dry dock,” Buddy said at a news conference. “That leaves us without naval power at a time when the Siamese threaten us at every turn and the Persians continue to pursue mewcular technology.”

Slick new advertisements created by a New York ad agency are designed to catch the interest of younger demographics and spark interest in naval careers.

“WATER: IT’S NOT SO BAD!” declares the first ad campaign, while “MARINES: YOU GET COOL GUNS!” is the tagline for the second campaign, which will be rolled out nationally with commercials and print/online advertisements.

The Purrtagon approved the recruiting ads after their allies in the United Katdom saw a significant uptick in enlistments and commissions following a similar campaign.

The Americat military was inspired by a series of patriotic recruiting posters designed by the United Katdom, which helped drive recruitment up more than 130 percent.

At the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at South Carolina’s Parris Island, jaguar drill sergeants were helping reticent cats overcome their fear of water.

“Get in there, you whiny little kittens, or I’ll throw you in myself!” barked Sgt. Junglestalker.

“What we’re doing is retraining our recruits so they don’t hesitate to jump into the water, whether it’s a calm lake or a roiling sea,” Junglestalker told reporters. “We do that with compassion, by recognizing the fear our recruits have, calling them scared little wimps, and ultimately tossing them into the pool if they refuse to jump.”

Asked how boot camp instructors handle cats who can’t swim, Junglestalker said: “They learn pretty quickly when you throw them in.”

Officials hope the new recruitment efforts will yield results before the brand new Turkey-class cruiser, the USS Delicious, is formally commissioned. Featuring .50-caliber hairball guns, a quick-launch claw grappler and cucumber missile launchers, the formidable new vessel needs a crew before it can deploy.

Purrtagon brass are also considering commissioning M4 Schroedinger tanks for the Marines. The box-shaped tanks have been very popular with cats in the Army, and feature a “play dead” mode, so enemies cannot be sure if tank crews remain alive inside until they open the hatch.

“Prepare the cucumber missiles!” (Source)

Rescuing A Pet From War: How Americans Help Cats, Dogs Escape Hell

With so much human suffering in war-torn countries, the animals often get overlooked.

For every family huddled in a basement during an air raid there’s a mother cat trying to get her kittens to safety as forces she can’t comprehend rend the sky and shatter the Earth. For every shoeless kid playing in the mud, there’s a rib-thin dog nosing through the trash for a morsel.

But not everyone looks past them: More than 1,000 American service members have adopted cats and dogs from Afghanistan alone, according to the country’s only animal shelter.

“When you think about a soldier that’s been on the front lines for years, away from family and friends, that animal has probably been one of the only positive things throughout the whole process,” said Pen Farthing, a former member of the UK’s military who founded Nowzad, the sole clinic and shelter for animals in Afghanistan.

Staff Sgt. Dan Brissey is one of them. The Delaware man, who was deployed to Kabul with the Maryland National Guard as an engineer, found himself caring for an orphan kitten during his deployment.

He named the kitten Sully and, knowing he couldn’t leave Afghanistan without her, reached out to Farthing and Nowzad.

Brissey and Sully
Brissey and Sully, the cat he adopted after caring for her in Kabul, Afghanistan. Credit: Dan Brissey

Taking an animal back home is prohibitively expensive, Farthing said, with airlines charging a premium to fly animals from countries like Iraq and Afghanistan.

They don’t provide discounts for the service, and in all it costs more than $3,000 to bring a cat back to the US and more than $5,000 for a dog.

Brissey paid a hefty sum, then turned to the internet to help raise the rest, and raise people did: Not only have they covered the cost to bring Sully back, there was enough left over to bring her more feral sister to the US as well. Both kittens will live with Brissey and his family.

brissysully
Sully will be reunited with Brissey after a brief period in quarantine. Credit: Dan Brissey

A common response to stories like this is “Why are we helping animals when so many people need help?”

The truth is, they’re not mutually exclusive things. A guy like Brissey spends his entire deployment working on civic projects to benefit the locals. Service members build critical infrastructure like water lines and power stations. They repair roads, keep neighborhoods safe and restore schools.

And in addition to the humanitarian aid distributed directly by the US, thousands of NGOs are on the ground in those countries, using private donations to staff medical clinics and build new housing. Americans are exceedingly generous when it comes to charitable giving.

So it’s not one or the other. We can help people as well as animals. A thousand dogs and cats helped by Nowzad in Afghanistan might not seem like much, but to each of them it makes a life of difference.

For people accustomed to living in peace, with well-funded animal charities taking cats and dogs off the streets, it’s difficult to imagine the reality on the ground in war-torn countries.

“There has been no form of stray animal control in Afghanistan now for nearly 40 years, because of various ongoing conflicts,” Farthing said. “There are stray dogs on every single street corner.”

For American service personnel — many of whom are animal lovers — helping just seems like the right thing to do.

“I just want to do what I can for her,” Brissey told military.com “Take care of her and give her a good home.”