WASHINGTON — Looking to solve what he called “a major military crisis,” President Buddy addressed the nation on Friday night and begged young cats to consider the Navy and the Marines.
While the Army and Chair Force remained well-staffed and trained, the infamous feline aversion to water has made it all but impossible to recruit new sailors and marines, the president of the Americats said.
“We have, like, six guys in the Marines and one or two old mousers living in ships in dry dock,” Buddy said at a news conference. “That leaves us without naval power at a time when the Siamese threaten us at every turn and the Persians continue to pursue mewcular technology.”
Slick new advertisements created by a New York ad agency are designed to catch the interest of younger demographics and spark interest in naval careers.
“WATER: IT’S NOT SO BAD!” declares the first ad campaign, while “MARINES: YOU GET COOL GUNS!” is the tagline for the second campaign, which will be rolled out nationally with commercials and print/online advertisements.
The Purrtagon approved the recruiting ads after their allies in the United Katdom saw a significant uptick in enlistments and commissions following a similar campaign.
At the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at South Carolina’s Parris Island, jaguar drill sergeants were helping reticent cats overcome their fear of water.
“Get in there, you whiny little kittens, or I’ll throw you in myself!” barked Sgt. Junglestalker.
“What we’re doing is retraining our recruits so they don’t hesitate to jump into the water, whether it’s a calm lake or a roiling sea,” Junglestalker told reporters. “We do that with compassion, by recognizing the fear our recruits have, calling them scared little wimps, and ultimately tossing them into the pool if they refuse to jump.”
Asked how boot camp instructors handle cats who can’t swim, Junglestalker said: “They learn pretty quickly when you throw them in.”
Officials hope the new recruitment efforts will yield results before the brand new Turkey-class cruiser, the USS Delicious, is formally commissioned. Featuring .50-caliber hairball guns, a quick-launch claw grappler and cucumber missile launchers, the formidable new vessel needs a crew before it can deploy.
Purrtagon brass are also considering commissioning M4 Schroedinger tanks for the Marines. The box-shaped tanks have been very popular with cats in the Army, and feature a “play dead” mode, so enemies cannot be sure if tank crews remain alive inside until they open the hatch.