cat humor – Page 14 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy The Cat Offers The World Cuddles: ‘In These Times Of Strife, People Need Hugs’

“I’ve noticed everyone’s super stressed lately,” Buddy said. “People need hugs. I’m fluffy and adorable. It’s the perfect solution.”

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat announced the launch of a new program, Hugs From Buddy, to “help the humans calm down a little bit, because things have gotten crazy.”

The normally mercurial tabby cat, whose concerns are typically limited to his own gastronomical satisfaction with meals and snacks, said he had the idea for Hugs From Buddy after watching the movie Civil War with his human and seeing footage of police and students clashing on college campuses.

“The world is crazy right now,” Buddy told reporters at a press conference in Manhattan. “War in Ukraine, Haiti, Gaza and Syria. People punching strangers on the street for Youtube ‘pranks.’ Protesters and police clashing. People threatening to kill one another, banning books they haven’t even read, Karening each other in the grocery store, brawling on passenger flights. Even dogs, bless those simple-minded beings, seem stressed!”

Buddy the Handsome Cat — Buddy the Cat is offering hugs to anyone who needs them!

Buddy paused to address a bystander who was holding a pepperoni pizza.

“You gonna eat that? Here, give Buddy a slice, I’ll give you a hug,” he said, embracing the young woman before returning to the podium with a slice of pizza.

“Where was I?” he asked, chewing thoughtfully. “Oh! Right. The crazy, stressed out humans.”

He belched, then continued.

“I’m here today to offer myself up as the nation’s emotional support animal. If you’re in need of a hug or a snuggle, well, Little Buddy’s got you covered.”

Then he looked to the reporters, who were seated six or seven rows deep for the press conference.

“Look under your seats!” he said excitedly as the journalists mumbled in surprise, finding small gift-wrapped boxes there. “You, the young lady from CBS News! You get a hug! You, the angry guy from InfoWars! You get a hug! BBC, you get a hug too! You all get hugs!”

The press conference was supplemented with an announcement of a $20 million television ad buy publicizing the Hugs From Buddy program, as well as a new site where the angry and stressed can log on, request a hug from Buddy, and make travel arrangements to bring him to their cities.

Reaction to the announcement was mixed.

A panel on Real Time with Bill Mahar concluded Buddy was sincere, trying to be helpful, and “absolutely adorable.”

But in a statement issued later Friday, catnip cartel Los Gatos International accused the New York feline of “shameless self-promotion, which he will undoubtedly parlay into goodwill for his own catnip empire,” while former Fox News host Tucker Carlson declared Buddy a threat to national security.

“Buddy the Cat is a dangerous tiger in kitten’s clothing,” Carlson declared on his X show as a chyron scrolled below with the headline: “IS BUDDY THE CAT WORKING FOR TERRORISTS?”

Tucker Carlson: Buddy A Bad Guy? — Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson wasn’t convinced of the feline’s supposedly noble intentions.

“You might say Buddy the Cat is a danger to America, softening us up at precisely the time when we need to be tough to fight China, North Korea, Iran, the school board of Boise, Idaho, Taylor Swift, and the WNBA,” Carlson said, pounding a fist on his desk. “Up next, a conversation with Nick Fuentes. But first: Is Buddy the Cat a Chinese operative? Is he an agent of anti-American cat ladies who want us all to be hummus-eating vegans? Why does he ignore the beauty of the Moscow subway system? And is there any truth to the rumor that he’s working with the San-Ti from 3 Body Problem to help them invade Earth? Just asking questions here, folks. Nothing wrong with that.”

Buddy Celebrates New Status As ‘Senior’ Kitty

Senior cats enjoy perks and membership in secret clubs, Buddy the Cat recently learned.

NEW YORK — Most don’t like to hear they’re entering their golden years, but Buddy the Cat welcomed the news this week as he approached his 10th birthday and was informed he’s now a “senior kitty.”

“That’s great!” he said, according to sources. “It’s about time I get some seniority around here!”

Sources say the gray tabby believes he’s been promoted in rank and has been anticipating the perks he believes his new seniority grants him, speculating that it will lead to more frequent catnip nights, better spots on the couch, more delicious meals and the ability to boss around other cats.

“I got a beautiful pamphlet from the AARC (American Association of Retired Cats) that says I’m entitled to early bird dinners and invited to bingo nights now that I’ve achieved senior cat rank!” Buddy enthusiastically told reporters. “It’s like having VIP access to events. There’s a whole world of secret gatherings and clubs I wasn’t previously aware of.”

Buddy the Senior Kitten — Buddy ponders his new seniority

Despite his years, Buddy retains his kitten-like enthusiasm and still sounds like a mewing baby, but says his seniority has afforded him a deeper appreciation for a slower pace of life with more naps and fewer outbreaks of the zooms, in which he ricochets around his domicile like a screeching pinball.

“As a senior feline I’m expected to maintain a certain decorum befitting my station,” he explained.

Although he’s pleased by his new status, Buddy said he hasn’t been thrilled with the social aspect.

“I imagined high-ranking cats would party and enjoy the fine things in life,” he said. “I mean, we’re OGs, right? Instead, they mostly complain about joint pain and watch Wheel of Fortune. It’s weird.”

Senior Cats — Senior cats have their own exclusive private club, the community center, where they host wild bingo parties and stay up until all hours, sometimes as late as 7

As of press time, Buddy said he was looking into investing in gold and was considering a stair lift system after watching several hundred commercials in which the devices were described as “essential.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m gonna buy my first gold bullion this afternoon,” he said, “after telling these kittens to get off my lawn!”

Matt Damon’s Cat Is One Tough Little Dude

Matt Damon rescued a stray living on the periphery of a Costa Rican jungle.

Matt Damon stopped by the Late Show With Stephen Colbert this week, and somehow they got on the topic of Damon’s cat.

The Oppenheimer actor described how he and his wife gained the feline’s trust while staying at an AirBnB in Costa Rica. The cat, who was living on the edge of the nearby jungle and “fighting for his life every night,” gratefully accepted food from the Damons and grew to trust them over the month they spent at the rental.

“By the end we were like, ‘We have to take this cat. This guy’s gonna die. Now he’s relying on us.'”

It turns out the little brawler was done with living rough and enthusiastically took to the life of a pampered house cat.

“He moves into our house, and I’m thinking ‘I have a little yard out in LA, it’ll be great out there [for him],'” Damon told Colbert. “He never went outside ever again.”

Damon’s cat had a serious health scare, but the story has a happy ending and it’s better to hear Damon tell it, so turn up your speakers/headphones:

@colbertlateshow

Matt Damon shares an incredible story about the cat he adopted from Costa Rica. #Colbert

♬ original sound – colbertlateshow – colbertlateshow

Yes, Damon’s cat may be “jacked,” and he may even be the Arnold Schwarzenegger of felines, but surely he doesn’t compare to the OG of ripped and meowscular cats.

The Buddinese Jaguar: A Fitting Feline For The One Percent!

You can’t have a jaguar pet and you can’t have Buddy the Cat, but what if you could have a breed that combines the best features of both? You’d pay a lot for that, wouldn’t you? Good, ’cause they start at $10k!

SATIRE/CAT HUMOR

Inspired by the exclusive Ashera cat, we proudly present to you the Buddinese Jaguar, the pinnacle in feline luxury.

Why settle for a pedestrian Bengal or Savannah when you could own the ultimate in feline status symbols?

Our Buddinese Jaguars feature royal lineage, the finest genetic modifications, and they’re extremely handsome!

– Ultra exclusive luxury cat
– Available in hypoallergenic variants
– Version 2.15 now available!
– Patented SilkySmooth™ technology results in a luxuriously soft coat
– Eye colors available in Neon Emerald, Viridescent Beryl, Azure Sky, Amber Glow, Flecked Gold, Elvis Pink Cadillac, Crystal Cobalt and Electric Sapphire
– Optional moon roof
– Easy to use Quiet Mode™ technology guarantees your Buddinese Jaguar will shut up when you want it to
– Extended 5-year warranty

Each Buddinese Jaguar comes with a rapid USB 3.0 charger, a V8 engine that provides plenty of power for HyperZooms, and an Apple AirTag-enabled collar.

Buddinese Jaguar kitten — From kittenhood until adulthood, Buddinese Jaguars are exemplars of handsomeness.

In addition to guaranteed software updates for at least five years, your Buddinese Jaguar is equipped with onboard analog algorithms ensuring it downloads exclusively in its litter box and nowhere else.

Base models start at only $9,950! Hypoallergenic models with patented Fel-d-1 Guard™ technology available starting at $12,495.

We are an officially authorized retailer accredited by the Buddinese Jaguar Association and the Buddinese Authorized Distributor Association Service Standards (BADASS), awarded only to retailers who maintain the highest breed standards.

About the breed:

The Buddinese Jaguar was developed by Buddesian Labs. Lead scientist Buddy the Cat tirelessly and selflessly engaged in coitus with 217 jaguarundi females, producing the magnificent offspring that would comprise the first generation of these extremely handsome cats. Using pioneering techniques in CRISPR gene-editing, Buddy did the impossible and improved upon perfection by eliminating allergens and adding even more meowscle mass.

Note: Buddy the Cat himself is not available for purchase, although he will entertain offers for his human.

Buddy sleeping — Chief scientist Buddy recovers after selflessly and heroically engaging in coitus with 217 jaguarundi females in the name of science.

Local Cat Enjoys 7 Meals A Day From 7 Houses

The resourceful cat has mastered the art of meowing adorably and appearing hungry, tugging at the heartstrings of seven neighbors who all think he doesn’t get enough to eat.

NEW PALTZ, NY — It’s not easy playing the part of a hungry stray to seven different families in a one block radius, but local cat Tangerine says he makes it work by sticking to a strict schedule.

“I’m always at the green house at 7:45 am sharp, ’cause that’s when the kids leave for the school bus. When they see me they call out to their mom, who’s usually got tuna or eggs for me,” the enterprising feline said.

From there it’s on to the three-story Dutch revivalist house on the corner, where a retired gentleman calls Tangerine “Rusty” and offers him a generous bowl of kibble.

“The key is to master the plaintive meow and to look just a bit unsure of yourself,” Tangerine explained, “like you haven’t had a meal in ages and aren’t sure where your next meal is coming from.”

But Tangerine isn’t nearly done after only two houses. The crafty cat has his stops all planned out and knows the routines of every one of his neighbors, a feat of efficiency and logistical planning that would make FedEx envious.

If the weather’s nice, the orange tabby will settle down for a rest in the neighbor’s yard, which has flowers that are particularly enjoyable to defecate on. If it’s chilly or raining, Tangerine heads back home for his morning snooze.

Immediately after First Nap is the highlight of the morning: a visit to the Bacon House where the inhabitant, a 47-year-old software engineer, has bestowed the name Simba on Tangerine and always offers deliciously crispy bacon, the feline said.

A visit to Bacon House — Visiting Bacon House is a highlight of the day, never to be missed. Image: PITB

Next it’s Second Nap followed by Fourth Meal at the wrap-around porch two houses down, which provides ample shade for subsequent snoozing. The people there call Tangerine “Creamy Delicious” and offer him a wide variety of palate-pleasing treats.

Tangerine prepares for the visit by rolling in the dirt for a minute or two, making himself look scruffy and unkempt.

“You poor thing!” the woman who lives there often says as Tangerine nuzzles against her hand and meows cutely. “You probably haven’t eaten since yesterday!”

The rest of the afternoon through early evening takes the orange tabby between three additional homes where he enjoys diced chicken, crumbled sausage and occasional steak.

By the time he’s finished his rounds, Tangerine is drained and returns home to rest.

“It’s not easy doing that much eating and sleeping,” Tangerine said with a wide yawn. “If it were easy, every cat would be out there like I am with the side hustle.”

As of press time Tangerine said it was too early for a formal announcement, but said he’s been working on “considerations of sleep and logistics” that would allow him to expand to an ambitious route of nine houses and nine meals daily.