cat fur – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: Do All Cats Look Like Wrinkly Aliens Under Their Fur?

Would your cat resemble a sphynx if you shaved its fur? Buddy the Cat investigates!

Dear Buddy,

Do all cats look like sphynxes underneath their coats? What I mean is, if someone were to shave off all your fur, would you look like a weird wrinkly little alien thing too?

Wondering In Wyoming

Dear Wondering,

Who told you that? Is Big Buddy planning to have me shaved? Is he gonna condemn me to one of those “groomers” and have me transformed into some undignified, naked, dumb-looking creature?

I will end him!

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Whoah, hold up there, champ! No one’s got anything planned for you, it’s just a hypothetical. I’m genuinely curious about the no fur thing, that’s all. And I asked you because you’re the expert on every topic!

Wondering in Wyoming

Wondering,

Okay, okay, but I’m not letting my guard down. As the wise man George W. Bush once said: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me…uh, you can’t get fooled again!”

I thought about your question and became more curiositized as well because sphynxes are weird and I don’t want to look like those freaks. Get mistaken for one and the next thing you know, they’re bringing you back to their mothership.

Above: These sphynxes are plotting your doom! They want to beam you up to their ship, test your skin for potential scratching post material, and eat your brains.

I can assure you that I would not resemble a sphynx if somehow I was overpowered (a tall order that would require a small army), drugged and shaved of my luxurious fur. I would just look more ripped, as there wouldn’t be any long fur to cover up my six pack and my rippling meowscles.

Due to his impressive meowsculature, Buddy would simply look even more ripped if someone with a death wish tried to shave his fur.

As for other cats, apparently they would not look like sphynxes either, because those freaks are uniquely covered in wrinkly skin, which is probably a side effect of the strange atmospheric conditions on their homeworld.

During my detailed investigatory investigation, I found images of domestic shorthairs, Maine Coons, Persians, Bengals, ragdolls and many other types of cats who were forced to endure ignominious “lion cuts” and other ridiculous “grooming” efforts. While many of them looked skinny and much less impressive without their fur bulking them up, they pretty much look like regular cats with a fuzzy, velvety coat instead of fluff.

Not as ripped as me, obviously, but not like sphynxes either.

I hope that answers your question. Remain vigilant, my friend! One never knows when one’s devious human might decide to humiliate one by shaving off all of one’s fur.

Your friend,

Buddy

Buddy: “I Don’t Like The Weather, Human. Fix It!”

Buddy, convinced that his human can control the weather, would like more moderate temperatures. Is that too much to ask?

A big chunk of ‘Merica has been sweltering this week, and New York has been no exception.

Tuesday was supposed to be the most brutal of the brief heat wave, but Wednesday felt the most oppressive to me, like walking through a hot soup and having no choice but to “drink” it until you can escape to the air conditioned indoors again.

The temperature was in the high 90s with a heat index of 104 thanks to the humidity. That’s the real killer: while I don’t envy parts of the southwest that see temperatures of 100+ more frequently, summers here are marked by disgustingly sweaty weather. Humidity reached 99 percent on June 2, and this week we’ve had spikes of 80 percent and higher.

As bad as it is for us, it’s worse for our furry little pals. For them it’s like wearing a jacket you can’t take off.

Poor Buddy! Is it too much to ask to have a human who can control the weather?

The Budster has been shedding like crazy the past few weeks, and I’ve been brushing him to help him get rid of that excess fur — and prevent it from “decorating” the place.

On Tuesday I decided to open the door to the balcony, mostly to see how he’d react. He loves the balcony, which offers cat TV, the opportunity to soak up the sun and take in new scents and sounds.

But with the sweltering temperature, Buddy approached the door to his beloved balcony with caution. He stepped outside, paused for a second or two, gave me a disgusted look, then turned right back around and padded inside, where he recovered from his ordeal by lounging.

Life’s tough for a cat.

Buddy in his heroic Mega-Buddy (Megaru Badi) form, in the style of Bikkuriman.

The little dude may be following Marjorie Taylor Greene on Twitter, because the look he gave me strongly suggests he thinks I can control the weather.

“It’s unacceptably brutal out there!” I imagine he’s thinking. “Fix it, human! Do I have to verbalize everything, or can you be a proper servant and anticipate my needs ahead of time?”

Of course we’re talking about a cat who refuses to set paw outside unless it’s a balmy 65 degree minimum, preferably between 73.5 and 76 degrees. No rain, no cold, definitely no snow, and no excessive heat!

Thankfully the heat broke, and today we’re forecast for a balmy 75. Cue the Sir David Attenborough voice: “But there’s a problem! A tomato plant has appeared on the balcony, and even though Buddy’s a meowscular tiger who shows no fear*, tomatoes and their vines are poisonous to him.

On the off chance that we’ve got some readers who don’t have cats, would anyone like a tomato plant?

* Buddy exhibits no fear except when it comes to rustling paper bags,vacuums, Swiffers, brooms, music intended for cats, sudden movements, floppy fish toys, loud vehicles including but not limited to trucks, outdoor animals who make scary noises, and certain kinds of cheese. But other than that, he’s totally fearless.

Another Study Finds Cat Hair Can Place Suspects At Crime Scenes

Through a new resequencing technique, forensics can yield more information from a single cat hair than ever before, with major implications for crimes in places where felines are present.

Last year a forensic study broke new ground by proving there’s usable human DNA in cat fur which can prove a person was in a home or interacted with a particular pet.

Now a new study looked at the opposite situation, establishing that a single cat hair on a person’s clothes can tie them back to an individual cat — and the scene of a crime.

The general public, criminals included, are more aware of DNA and forensic techniques than they’ve ever been thanks to ubiquitous police procedurals, some of which focus heavily on the investigation and evidence-gathering aspect of police work.

But even the most fastidious criminal who is careful not to leave a single print or strand of his own hair at a crime scene can be undone by cat fur clinging to clothes. In fact it’s almost impossible for a person to spend more than a few minutes inside a cat-occupied home without picking up at least some fur, the research team said.

Detective Buddy — “Detective Inspector Buddy, at your service. Now tell me about the missing turkey…” Credit: Pain In The Bud

The paper, published this month in Forensic Science International: Genetics, outlines a new method for sequencing genetic information found on strands of cat fur.

“Hair shed by your cat lacks the hair root, so it contains very little useable DNA,” said Emily Patterson, the paper’s lead author.

Previously it wasn’t possible to narrow down with certainty whether a strand of hair belonged to a particular cat, but the research team found a new way to resequence DNA in a way that can link it to individual felines. The team’s new method doesn’t require any additional hair or roots, solving the original problem.

To prove their method works, they extracted fur from the body of a deceased cat and were able to match it to her surviving brother.

“In criminal cases where there is no human DNA available to test, pet hair is a valuable source of linking evidence, and our method makes it much more powerful,” said Mark Jobling, a geneticist at the University of Jobling and co-author of the new study. “The same approach could also be applied to other species — in particular, dogs.”

While dog hair can potentially be used in the same way, cat hair may have more forensic value from a prosecurorial standpoint because cats are territorial and many don’t leave their homes. It’s much easier to prove a suspect was inside a home if he or she is linked to an indoor-only cat than if the suspect’s clothes have fur from a dog who is walked around the neighborhood a few times a day.

This Cat Looks Like He’ll Murder You In Your Sleep

Feline or Lovecraftian horror? You decide.

Meet Xherdan.

Also, we assume, known as Xherdan the Sun Eater, Xherdan the Bane of Hope, He Who Sups on Souls, and Xherdan the Earthcrusher.

The incredibly wrinkly Sphinx cat is served by a Swiss woman named Sandra Filippi, who insists the feline, despite looking like the brain of a malevolent alien, is just a big softy who enjoys cuddling and napping when he’s not talking. We’ll give Filippi the benefit of the doubt and won’t allege those talks include nefarious plans for the subjugation of the human race, but only until we get solid evidence.

Where some of us see a Lovecraftian horror from the deepest Cthulian depths, Filippi sees an adorable kitty.

“When I first saw him, he immediately stole my heart,” Filippi told the Daily Mail. “His wrinkled pink skin, as fine as a peach, and his turquoise eyes, I was in love.”

Although she doesn’t explicitly say so, it appears her cat is named after footballer Xherdan Shaqiri, a Swiss midfielder who plays for Liverpool.

We’ve taken the liberty of making some very small adjustments (barely noticeable, really) to one of Xherdan’s photos in Pixlr, just to show our readers what an excellent Evil Overlord this cat would make:

But the truth is, he doesn’t need glowing smoke coming from his eyes or dramatic lighting. He looks terrifying enough as it is:

sphinxcat — **Xherdan orders his minions to feast on the corpses of unbelievers.**

sphinx5 — **Xherdan grooms himself after easily reducing another human city to rubble and salting the earth it stood on.**

sphinx4 — **Xherdan threatens to wipe motorists from existence in a column of balefire if they don’t make way for his vehicle.**

Buddy’s Mailbag: Get Your Tongue Off Me!

“I want my human to lick me with a rubber tongue!” said no cat ever.

Dear Buddy,

I know your advice column is meant for cats, but I thought you’d make an exception for a human who seeks your wise and benevolent guidance, Oh Great Handsome One, for who else is as smart and perceptive as Buddy?

My question is: Should I buy a Licki? You know, one of those silicon rubber “tongues” with spikes that are supposed to mimic a kitty’s bristled tongue. I’d like to bond with my cat, and according to the people who make the Licki, grooming my kitty just like a momma cat is the best way to bond.

What do you think?

– Human In Hawkins, Indiana

Dear HiHi,

Oh hell no!

Big Buddy bought one of those things and creeped up on me all stealth-like when I was taking a nap one day. One second I’m dreaming about bountiful feasts with endless roast turkey, the next I’m waking up to that daft two-legs dragging a rubber tongue back and forth through my fur, looking like an epileptic seal.

I thought I was being attacked by a porcupine dipped in crazy glue! Once I realized what was happening, I gave Big Buddy a hard paw smack and bit his hand for emphasis: Get that weak shit out of my personal space!

Licki Terrorist! — Horrific and embarrassing for everyone involved. Don’t. Just don’t.

So no, don’t buy a Licki. You’ll just waste $25 on a piece of rubber that makes your cats loathe you. Instead, provide massages on-demand and step your treats game up. Now that is something your kitties will appreciate.

– Buddy out