Feline Weirdness – Page 16

Disses Fly At Feline Freestyle Federation’s Cat Fight 2023 Battle Rap Tournament

The annual tournament pitted more than 20 furry emcees against each other in a battle of rhymes and wit.

NEW YORK — Gripping the microphone in his paw, Panther the Pulverizer took aim at Buddy the Funky Feline and, when the beat dropped, launched into a blistering verse filled with punchlines about his opponent.

“You got no chance, so say sayonara,” the Pulverizer rhymed. “You’re so fat, cats thought you was a capybara!”

“My flow’s a gale, in a storm you’re supposed to bail. How you gonna carry weight when you broke the scale?” he rapped, drawing laughter from the crowd. “You’re known to fail, terrified with a bloated tail, so walk your ass home ’cause you won’t prevail!”

Rapping Felines — Hektah tha Headhunta, one half of duo Spliff an’ Wessin’, earned himself a quarterfinal berth with a raucous verse that dismantled Boss the Bocelot.

“Oh, snap!” one cat exclaimed and the all-feline crowd whooped and cheered as the Pulverizer continued his verbal assault.

The Pulverizer pressed forward, invading his opponent’s personal space as he fired the next salvo of punchlines.

“What’s wrong, lil’ Bud? Is it hard to diss us? You couldn’t move these cats if you farted citrus. Pardon it’s cause you’re avoiding this bout, knowing I’ll make you bounce like your primordial pouch.”

A collective “Dayum!” echoed throughout the crowd while the DJ doubled over with laughter. Meanwhile, Buddy sucked in his gut, suddenly self-conscious.

“My man got punchlines about primordial pouches, yo!” an approving member of the audience shouted, his tail swishing with excitement.

“Am I supposed to be intimidated? Hell no! You sound like a constipated Elmo. Truth is both my waistline and my raps are leaner,” he rhymed, gesturing toward Buddy. “While this cat runs screaming from a vacuum cleaner. Face it lil’ Bud, we ain’t rivals. You came here dead on arrival!”

The crowd roared for several seconds after the beat cut out as the Pulverizer basked in the audience’s approval.

Panther the Pulverizer, a kitty rapper from Astoria, Queens.

Buddy, dressed in oversized Tommy Hilfiger jeans, a bubble jacket and a Yankees cap turned sideways, took the mic for his turn and wasted no time launching into his retaliatory verse.

“My name’s Buddy, I’m ferocious in fights. Little known fact: also dope on the mic!” he rapped. “You’re a joke over-hyped, frozen with fright, lookin’ like a ghost you’re so white! It’s hopeless, allright? You’re a featherweight, I’m Mike Tyson tonight.”

“Get ’em, champ!” a supporter shouted from the crowd.

“You don’t have the balls to diss me, that’s truth in fact! I’m the real tom, you’re just a neutered cat. Your whole crew is wack, don’t even try to diss! Buddy’s a lion, you’re just a pride of wimps.”

The Pulverizer glowered as the crowd roared with laughter.

“I got fans across the world, it’s me they’re feeling, the only fans you got are spinning on your ceiling,” Buddy the Funky Feline rapped, waving a paw at the roof. “Buddy’s the illest, thats why I spit it hot. You’re full of shit like an unscooped litter box.”

“Damn! Damn, damn, damn!” host Meowthod Man of the Mew Tang Clan shouted, waving off the beat. “Let’s hear what the judges have to say!”

The judges called the battle 2-1 in favor of Buddy, granting him the split decision and sending him to the semifinals.

The Funky Feline is due to face Crouching Tiger, the highly favored big cat with a smoky voice and crisp flow. The winner of that bout will advance to the finals to battle the winner of the semifinal match pitting the Deft Leopard against MC Hektah the Headhunta.

Da Funky Feline — Buddy tha Funky Feline, also known as Snackmaster Flex, is known for his vivid lyricism about life in the ‘hood and exuberant rhymes about junk food.

Buddy the Funky Feline has been the target of criticism claiming that while he rhymes about “life in the hood” as a hardscrabble stray, he actually grew up as a pampered house cat in the suburbs. He seeks to burnish his street cred ahead of his new album, Chillmatic, which is expected to break record sales when it’s released later this month. It’s the first full-length release from the New York-based kitty rapper since 2020’s Got 2 Have Turkeys and his 2021 EP, Fowl Play.

While promoting the former record during a concert stop in Tokyo, Buddy’s tour bus was infamously overturned by a crowd of screaming female fans, who pelted the bus with bras and held signs professing their love for him.

His entry into the Cat Fight 2023 battle rap tournament is meant to signal that he’s more than just a prettyboy, with an appeal beyond his massive female fanbase.

“Buddy is so kawaii, we love him,” gushed Kei Kikuno, one of Bud’s many Japanese admirers. “I just want to pinch those little cheeks!”

Feds Nab Couple Selling Jaguar, Margay, PLUS: Cat Wins ‘Hambone’ Award For Derpy Accident

Giles the cat is recognized for the most ridiculous pet insurance claim of the year, while federal prosecutors use the new Big Cat Public Safety Act to go after alleged illegal wildlife traders.

A Texas man and his wife were arrested after allegedly selling a margay kitten and trying to sell a jaguar cub in a second deal, federal authorities said.

Rafael Gutierrez-Galvan, 29, and his wife Deyanira Garza, 28, whom prosecutors describe as “legal permanent residents,” sold the margay cub for $7,500 to an undercover agent, meeting him in the parking lot of a Texas sporting goods store on Aug. 24. On Sept. 26 Gutierrez-Galvan made plans to sell the jaguar cub to the same man, and agents arrested him and his wife en route to the meet-up, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of Texas.

Gutierrez-Galvan and Garza face federal charges under the new Big Cat Public Safety Act, which was signed into law in 2022. They can be sentenced to a maximum of five years in federal prison and ordered to pay a $20,000 fine if convicted.

Prosecutors did not say how the couple obtained the two wild cats or if they were working with anyone else.

jaguarmargray — The margay kitten, left, and jaguar cub recovered from a Texas couple who are accused of illegally selling them. Credit: U.S. Attorney’s Office, Southern District of Texas

Jaguars are endangered and margays are threatened. Both are native to South America, although jaguars once ranged as far north as Ohio and Pennsylvania. Margays (leopardus wiedii) are small arboreal wildcats who thrive in the deep jungle, away from human interference. They’re typically smaller than domestic cats, with an average weight of six pounds, and are among the most sure-footed of all felid species.

Jaguars (panthera onca) are true big cats and the only extant big cat species native to the Americas. They’re under enormous pressure from Chinese poachers, who capture and kill them to use their body parts in traditional Chinese “medicine,” as well as local illegal wildlife poachers. Both jaguars and margays, as well as other cat species native to South America, are also endangered by habitat loss.

Header image of a margay in Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil, credit: Anderson Cristiano Hendgen via Wikimedia Commons

New York cat wins Hambone Award for most ridiculous pet insurance claim

The Hambone Award was started in 2009 when a family filed a pet insurance claim for their dog who got trapped in a refrigerator, suffered mild hypothermia and tried to make the best of the situation by eating an entire ham.

That inspired the Veterinary Pet Insurance Company, a subsidiary of Nationwide, to create the award and make it an annual event. The first recipient of the “honor” was Lulu, an English bulldog who ate 15 baby pacifiers, a bottle cap and part of a basketball, necessitating a trip to the veterinarian and an insurance claim.

This year the award went to Giles, a handsome black kitty who has a habit of hiding in a sofa bed and getting stuck there when one of his humans folds the bed back into the couch. His humans, Kaitlyn and Reid, always check to make sure Giles isn’t in the space beneath the bed when they fold it up, and had warned Reid’s visiting parents that the playful cat likes to hang out there, but they forgot to check and ended up smooshing Giles.

c1920_giles-hamboneaward — Giles poses proudly next to his Hambone Award. Credit: Nationwide

Luckily the little guy didn’t break any bones, but he did take a hit to the face pretty hard and needed stitches.

“I [had] no idea what’s going on—we got him in his carrier and ran him up the street,” Reid said. “Luckily, we have a wonderful vet hospital just around the corner from us, so we were able to take him right there. Fortunately, it wasn’t too bad. He did need some stitches … but he was the model patient, as he always is.”

Giles’ competition this year was mostly dogs, but the other feline finalist was Miko, a New Orleans cat who spotted a pair of doves nesting in a hanging plant just outside on the patio. Miko executed a Jordanesque leap and swatted at the doves, but as the birds fled one of them gave the bold cat a parting gift, pecking Miko in the face. Thankfully he wasn’t seriously injured.

For his exploits, Giles received a trophy and his humans will receive a gift card and a donation in their name to the pet charity of their choice.

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think Of Taylor Swift And Trevor Kelsey?

If humans are talking about it, surely cats care too, right?

Humans can’t stop talking about Taylor Swift showing up to cheer her rumored boyfriend Tristan Kenney’s Atlanta Braves as they took on the Chicago Bulls last weekend.

And it’s not just Swifties! The game’s announcers were naturally more interested in Tay Tay than the boring events on the field, with the cameras capturing every grin, grimace and shocked expression on the pop star’s face as the teams traded three-pointers and penalty kicks.

We asked cats: What do you think of Taylor and Terrence?

Creamy, 3

“How can one compare the savory crunch of Temptations to the silky texture of pâté? You cannot ask me to pick one, human.”

Chester, 9

“I saw the most curious thing through the front window yesterday: a dog no larger than kitten, wagging its tail furiously as it tried to free its head from a Beefaroni can.”

Ellie, 11

“I ‘re-organized’ every shelf in the house while my humans slept. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!”

Mr. Mewp, 18 weeks

“There is a kitten who looks exactly like me behind that glass! See how he mocks me? What vile sorcery is this?”

Swiffer Added To List Of Buddy’s Mortal Enemies

Ever brave, the unshakeable feline survived an encounter with a dangerous Swiffer.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat poked his head around the side of the couch, cautiously investigating a pressured liquid sound he’d never heard before.

“And that’s when I saw it,” Buddy recalled. “This monstrous purple creature thing, and it was spitting liquid and making the floor all wet, smelly and disgusting. It was terrifying!”

Recoiling from the strong scent of citrus, that vile fruit, Buddy beat a hasty retreat, stopping every few feet to hiss at the floor-defiling automaton. The brave feline jumped and climbed to the safety of a high perch, where he was able to meow insistently at his inconsiderate human.

Brave Buddy — “Now’s an excellent time for a nap.”

When the Swiffing was complete, Big Buddy coaxed his furry friend down with the offer of a snack.

“Who’s a good, brave boy?” Big Buddy asked, shaking the bag.

“Well, I suppose I am pretty brave,” Buddy acknowledged.

After he finished his well-deserved snack, Buddy ran screaming into the bedroom and dived under the bed when he heard the rustle of a large paper bag.

Little Buddy’s Blog Takeover: The Mystery Of The Missing Cat-Sitters!

Tired of waiting for his human servant to convalesce, Little Buddy has assumed blogging duties. The world looks very different through the eyes of a handsome cat.

Big Buddy is still sick, which annoys me for several reasons including: 1) The level of service is subpar and has NOT returned to pre-COVID standards of excellence. Unacceptable! 2) I’m told I have fans on something called the internet, and Big Buddy has been derelict in his duties, which I’m told involve updating all my fans about how delightful I am, and all the awesome stuff I do on a daily basis. (In between regularly scheduled naps, of course.)

So in the interest of serving my many fans, and not because I have a big ego, I’m taking over the blog for the immediate future! If there was ever a time you wanted to hear directly from Little Buddy, now’s your chance.

So where was I? Right. All the awesome stuff I’ve been doing. Here’s the cover of my newest comic book, the Adventures of Baby Bud. It’s about all the awesome stuff I did as a kitten. I am much bigger and more meowscular now, but I was already very handsome in my kitten days:

Buddy the Cat and the Mystery of the Missing Cat-Sitters!

We have a mystery on our hands, people! A real head-scratcher!

You see, the number of people willing to cat-sit me has dwindled to zero. That’s ~~really sad~~ awesome, because it means Big Buddy can’t go away OR he has to take me with him to all the places he goes, like Washington, the Outer Banks and upstate New York.

Some of you may remember that I accidentally attacked my original cat-sitter, Sue. There may have been some light clawing and maybe teeth involved, but it was no biggie. Humans are so dramatic about these things.

Well, Sue is very nice and the next time Big Buddy went away, she said she’d still stop by to feed me every day but she wouldn’t play with me anymore. (So dramatic.) Also, she had some sort of shield when she entered my domicile, and she kept saying “Be calm, Buddy, be calm! I’m just here to feed you!”

The thing is, I sort of maybe attacked her again. It wasn’t my fault, okay? I thought a chalupacabra was breaking in and I had to defend my territory!

Fast forward to late June and everyone who had cat-sat for me before was suddenly “busy.” Very strange. So Big Buddy turned to the one person who wouldn’t say no, Mother of Big Buddy, or MoBB, and she watched me while Big Buddy cruelly jetted off to Washington to hang out with Brother of Big Buddy (BoBB), his wife and their vile miniature humans. What? Is vile too strong of a word? Okay, their unpredictable, undeveloped-motor-skills-having, loud, terrifying miniature humans. Is that better?

Anyway, I sort of accidentally attacked MoBB too LOL. See, what happened was she woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee, and I got agitated when I didn’t see any movement indicating she was going to feed me, and I sort of tripped and tried to break my fall by wrapping all four paws around her right leg, raking them down her calf and maybe kind of biting her shin a little bit until the skin broke.

And, uh, she might have had to go to urgent care, where the doctor claimed the “wound” from my “bite” was “infected” and prescribed her some sort of pills.

Like I said, it was all very dramatic. So now no one will watch me. Poor Little Buddy. I guess I’m just gonna have to sacrifice and accompany my Big Buddy on his next adventure. It’ll be tough, but I’m a team player and I’ll see this through so that my pal can get away for a few days without having to leave me home.

So that’s what’s been up in La Casa de Buddy. What’s up with you? 😎