Thanks to our patented Silky Smooth™ technology, your new Buddy’s fur will feel velvety and softer than ever when you pet him!
A very special package came in the mail today:
FRAGILE: “Hmmm. Must be Italian.”
Amazon gave me free shipping on my brand new Buddy, which is supposed to be a vast improvement on the original first-generation Buddy. This Buddy is “more delightful than ever,” according to the marketing materials:
“The amazing Buddy 2.0 is 15 percent cuter, 0.003 percent more brave, and is better than ever at impressing your friends with his vast knowledge of poultry and useless trivia! Thanks to our patented Silky Smooth™ technology, your new Buddy’s fur will feel velvety and softer than ever when you pet him! IMPORTANT: Do not feed Temptations to your new Buddy. Doing so will void your product warranty.”
This model must be plugged in 12 to 16 hours a day to recharge. Indicator lights (his eyes) will glow when fully charged.
A Cornish Rex named Pixel is turning heads with his unusual features and bizarre-looking expressions.
Meet Pixel the cat, whose dread visage is so terrifying it prompted Buddy to run screaming and hide behind the TV:
Pixel the cat.
Buddy isn’t the only one to recoil in horror after seeing photos of the two-year-old Cornish Rex.
“All the time people say ‘this is the creepiest cat I’ve ever seen’, ‘my sleep paralysis demon has come to life’ and if they saw him in the middle of the night they’d have a heart attack and it would scare them to death,” said Alyson Kalhagen, Pixel’s human. “People say all the time that he’s a ‘demon cat’ who ‘must be possessed’ and that the devil’s taken control of him. It’s kind of a recurring theme.
“I think it’s pretty funny because I usually just say ‘imagine coming face to face when you’re trying to scoop the litter box.'”
“I will eat your soul…if you don’t give me treats!’
Kalhagen even heard from a self-described exorcist after she began posting photos of her wide-eyed feline, who favors making weird faces that accentuate his freakiness.
The “exorcist” suggested caging Pixel and praying over him, cautioning that the cat was possessed by an entity.
It probably goes without saying, but for the benefit of our readers who aren’t familiar with Catholic belief and customs, exorcists are longtime priests who must complete a great deal of instruction — on top of the usual nine years of education including a post-graduate theology degree — before they can become exorcists. It’s not a job you can seek out or volunteer for, and exorcists are rarely publicly identified.
So it’s a safe bet to say the person who contacted Kalhagen is a self-proclaimed exorcist at best. Still, the person’s conviction that the cat is possessed is amusing:
Pixel, who has a thousand adoring fans on Instagram, is having the last laugh:
“All those who defy my demands for snacks will perish in the searing flames of my eldritch wrath!”“Is he…is he gone? You sure?”
Look at that dog. So happy, enjoying sweet dreams and playing a little unconscious trumpet solo. There’s a slight delay as the olfactory consequences waft their way toward the cat’s nose. The cat’s eyes narrow in fury. Kitty isn’t having it!
We have never been accused of having a mature sense of humor, which is why this made us legitimately lol. Don’t mess with cats, yo:
Buddy the Cat maintained his cool under extraordinary pressure during his latest act of heroism.
NEW YORK — Another day, another heroic cat.
Buddy the Cat was hailed for his heroism after a Thursday incident in which he saved his human … from burning his bagel.
Buddy’s human had placed the bagel inside the toaster at approximately 2:43 pm but neglected to turn the toast setting to medium.
“I was sitting on the kitchen floor, just thinking about klepping some delicious cream cheese when I detected the faintest whiff of burning bread,” Buddy said. “I knew immediately what was at stake, and I knew there was no time to lose.”
Buddy was able to get his human’s attention and led him to the kitchen, where the toaster situation was becoming more dire by the second.
“Unfortunately humans have dead noses, so Big Buddy didn’t realize how close we were to disaster,” the grey tabby said. “I had to act fast, so I bit him, then mewed at the toaster.”
Only one question remained: Would the human understand the obvious message Buddy was conveying to him, or would he remain entirely oblivious like most of his dim-witted kind?
Big Buddy’s bagel was headed for disaster when Little Buddy bravely intervened.
With time running out, Big Buddy finally realized what was happening and reached out to pop the toaster, saving the bagel.
If it hadn’t been for his quick-thinking and brave cat, Big Buddy’s bagel would have been ruined, rendered burnt and black by a toaster tragically set to its maximum toasting capacity.
“People are calling me a hero but honestly, I just did what any cat would do for their human,” Buddy said. “If that makes me a hero, well, then I guess I’m guilty as charged!”
It has come to my attention that our human servants are experiencing unprecedented difficulty in locating and purchasing canned cat food, commonly known as yums, due to Coronavirus-related warehouse and logistical challenges.
The companies that make yums have had facilities intermittently closed due to COVID breakouts, leading to shortages which have been compounded by the logistical problems as delivery systems are already overwhelmed.
There can be only one solution to this most serious of problems: Humans must share their food!
Effective immediately, I call on all humans to share their yums with us, and no skimping!
If you’re having filet mignon for dinner, Fluffy better get some too. I would also urge every one of you to increase your turkey consumption, setting aside generous portions for your feline overlords.
Not only is turkey delicious, but it increases the body’s immune response to viruses like COVID-19, according to the Buddy Center for Scientific Research. (This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA.)
Pain In The Bud 