cat humor – Page 11 – Pain In The Bud

San Diego Siestas Edge Detroit Dozers In New Feline Competitive Napping League

It’s the sleep Olympics — perfect for cats!

SAN DIEGO – The Siestas were down to their last cat still slumbering, and it looked like their rivals from Detroit, with three felines snoring away, would wake up with the victory.

But San Diego’s sole snoozer wasn’t any ordinary cat. He was 21-year-old Oscar the Couch, one of the most accomplished nappers in the world.

Long after Detroit’s younger, less experienced kitties had gotten up, stretched, enjoyed a meal and used their litter boxes, Oscar was finally beginning to stir from the dregs of his dreams.

Oscar yawned as his teammates cheered, and the referees declared the San Diego Siestas the winners.

“Competitive napping is unlike any other sport out there,” said Sammy the Sloth, a rotund tuxedo cat and snore-by-snore announcer for the Competitive Napping League’s broadcast team. “It rewards the slow and the sedentary, moving somewhere between the speed of a snail and the growing of grass. The only other sport that comes close is golf.”

The Competitive Napping League (CNL) was just a dream of its founders until Saudi Royal Feline Smudge bin Salman stepped in, signing the laziest felines to seven figure contracts and infusing the new sport with millions in marketing money.

Now competitive napping matches routinely air on ESPN7, and this year the CNL inked a deal for six nationally televised naps per season. The most accomplished nappers can also participate in the postseason nap-offs, and ambassadors for the sport are lobbying the International Olympic Committee to include competitive napping in the winter and summer games.

“This isn’t a genteel game like baseball or jai alai,” said Somnambulist Smokey, a silver shorthair. “This is hardcore, no-snores-barred snoozing, and it’s not for the faint of heart.”

As a sleepwalker, Smokey is one of the league’s most accomplished competitors. He’s known for getting up mid-snore and slapping his opponents in the face before laying down again. Initially suspected of cheating, Smokey was vindicated when brain activity monitors showed he remained in REM sleep, making him an authentic sleepwalker.

However, he’s not the only cat with tricks up his paw.

Filthy Frank the Flatulist is captain of the Fort Worth Forty Winks, and his emissions are of such olfactory potency that they can wake opponents out of the deepest slumbers.

“The [New York] Nappers strolled in here like they owned the place,” said teammate Charlie the Chonk. “Frank had them up and yowling in about 30 seconds with a squeaker that wafted over to the enemy and refused to dissipate.”

brown and white tabby cat — Credit: Matheus Bertelli/Pexels

Competitive napping is growing in popularity, with amateur clubs springing up in Japan, Taiwan, Scandinavia and the Principality of Sealand.

The Copenhagen Cozies and Helsingør Hygge recently slept through exhibition matches against the Louisiana Liesures and the Miami Sleepmasters.

“There’s nothing like the rush of a good nap followed by mews that you’ve outslept your opponents,” said Liesures captain Zoe Zzzz, “then going back down for another nap to celebrate!”

VOTE 4 BUDDY: Today’s The Day!

An optimistic Buddy began election day hoping momentum would carry him to the White House, where he plans to implement dozens of food-related measures.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a crowd of more than 60,000 chanting his name, Buddy the Cat made his final appeal to the nation’s felines on Tuesday as they headed to the polls.

“These past four years have been a tragedy,” the candidate told the crowd. “The consistency of wet food has been subpar, dry food has been less crunchy, and Americats are suffering because of inflation, with some snacks costing three times as much as they did in 2020!”

The crowd yowled viciously, expressing its displeasure.

“My opponent, the tyrannical Smudge the Cat, thinks he can hoard all the best snacks for himself while regular Americats make do with grocery brand crunchies,” Buddy continued. “Well I’m here to say ‘Enough!’ I’m here to say that every cat deserves to gorge him or herself on whichever snack they like! I’m here to say no more restrictions on napping spots! I’m here to say that there should be mandatory quiet hours during the dozen scheduled nap times per day!”

The crowd erupted in cheerful meows, waving Americat flags and giant poster-size images of Buddy looking presidential.

President Buddy — A campaign ad for Buddy4Americats.

“I’m also here to tell Vladimir Putin’s cat: Your time has come, Boris! Buddy the Cat is here to kick butt and eat meaty sticks, and I’m all out of meaty sticks!”

“Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!” the crowd roared.

“And to my friends,” Buddy continued, “the tigers of Asia, the lions, leopards and cheetahs of Africa, and our dear fellows, the pumas and jaguars of the Americas, we will form a coalition to bring Boris and his evil servant to heel, liberating Russian cats from the authoritarian rule they have endured for so many years.”

As the crowd chanted his name again, Buddy was hit by a bedazzled pink collar. Waving off half a dozen Sleepy Service agents who moved to quickly close ranks around him, Buddy winked at the Calico who’d thrown the collar, and she fainted.

“Someone get that young lady a bowl of water,” the candidate said, “and make sure her human has my human’s phone number.”

Cats padding out of the rally were enthusiastic and hopeful about their chances.

“Smudge is a corrupt, chubby and inept ‘leader,’ and I use that word in the loosest possible sense,” said Milo, 3, who was voting for the first time. “Buddy’s agenda is the most delicious, and that’s why he’ll win.”

Luna, 5, said Buddy has all the qualities an Americat president should have.

“He’s strong, he understands the importance of naps,” she said, “and he’s so dreamy!”

Buddy Wins Oscar For Star Turn As Starving Cat

Critics and audiences alike have raved about the feline’s convincing performance as a cat who hasn’t eaten in minutes, possibly even hours.

LOS ANGELES – Buddy the Cat sat on the coffee table, shoulders drooped, gaze fixed on his human.

With a faint, high-pitched mew and a slight quiver of his mouth, his sad eyes seemed to grow even bigger as he watched his pal take a bite of cheese.

“It’s as if he’s saying ‘Et tu, Big Buddy? Don’t we do everything together? Where is Buddy’s snack?'” the normally savage film critic Anthony Lane said. “I’m man enough to admit this scene made me weep.”

Lane wasn’t alone in expressing that sentiment, and as rave reviews continued to pour in, praise for the gray tabby cat’s performance morphed into Oscar buzz, creating a sense of inevitability.

Now Buddy has a new prize for his shelf to display alongside his Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest championship belt, his national bowling trophies and his World Series ring. He’s the first cat to win the Academy Award for Best Actor, cementing his legacy as a master thespian.

“The way he inhabits the role of a starving cat is nothing short of remarkable,” said Christy Lemire, the longtime film critic for the Associated Press. “Logically, my mind knows this is a feline who has never missed a snack, let alone a meal. He’s chubby, sedentary and I doubt he can entirely groom himself. And yet his performance is so committed, so all-encompassing, that I can actually see a starving cat. His acting chops are phenomenal, generational even.”

Those close to the mercurial tabby say he is a method actor who remains in character even when the cameras are not rolling.

“He had me absolutely convinced he was on the verge of starving to death,” said one longtime friend of Big Buddy, Buddy the Cat’s human servant. “I said, ‘What have you been doing to this poor cat?’ The little guy barely has the energy to walk, and his meow is imbued with a deep sorrow, the kind of sadness that can only come from hours of being deprived of snacks.”

A woman who gave only her first name, Melissa, lives two doors down from the Buddies. She sheepishly admitted to breaking into Casa de Buddy to feed the feline while his human was out.

“His meows are tortured,” Melissa said. “I began to wonder: does my neighbor ever feed his cat? Should I call Cat Protective Services?”

Upon entering the apartment and getting her first proper look at Buddy, Melissa said she was taken aback.

“I was expecting skin and bones, not fur and flab.”

Still, Buddy’s performance was so convincing that Melissa said she cooked two thick pieces of filet mignon for the little guy, which he quickly devoured.

“He inhaled them, belched and immediately meowed insistently for more,” she recalled. “I couldn’t believe it.”

Later, she said, she spoke to another neighbor who said she’d fed Buddy meatballs, deli meats and roast turkey that same day.

Not one to rest on his laurels, Buddy is currently considering half a dozen new scripts, including one about a starving cat who goes to space and a Western about a starving cat who has been framed for murder.

“He’s not afraid of being typecast,” said his agent, Ari Gold. “This is his wheelhouse. Fans can’t wait to see what he eats next.”

Archaeologists Uncover Ancient Mayan Jungle City Where Buddy Was Once Worshiped As A Feline Deity

The city, which was abandoned after a natural disaster, was an important hub of civics, trade, napping and indigenous dishes such as the cheeseburger.

XQOCHOATL, Yucatán — Archaeologists announced the discovery of a vast and prosperous ancient Mayan jungle city whose inhabitants once worshiped an unusually handsome gray tabby as a feline god.

X’Budiso was an important center of trade, religious life, architecture and art, according to Ferdinand Lyle, an archaeologist with the British Museum of London and lead researcher on the project.

His team located the long-lost city using LiDAR — light detection and ranging — a technology that allowed them to peer beneath the cover of heavy jungle and detect the ruins beneath.

Previously, there was only one indication that humans had once inhabited the area — a feline paw holding a cheeseburger, rendered in stone and poking out of a thick tangle of jungle flora. When archaeologists cleared the brush and trees, they revealed the rest of the statue which depicted a regal-looking cat on a plinth, holding the cheeseburger aloft in triumph.

Budacoatl with offerings — An artist’s impression of the Mayan deity Budacoatl surrounded by offerings of cheeseburgers, dipping sauces and artisanal cheeses inside the Temple of a Thousand Snacks. A cult devoted to Budacoatl, the Ancient Order of Yums, was responsible for taste-testing the snackly offerings.

The city was a bustling metropolis for hundreds of years before its abrupt abandonment, which researchers said was likely caused by a natural disaster such as a flood or pestilence.

“The Budiso people worshiped a pantheon, and at the top of that pantheon was Budacoatl, the tabby jaguar god of snacks, handsomeness and war,” Lyle explained. “Our research indicates that doom fell over the city, likely in the form of a plague, and that its inhabitants believe they may have angered Budacoatl by skimping on their offerings of snacks.”

Cats in front of the Temple of Turkey — Feral felines, like the pair pictured here in front of the Temple of Turkey, still live on the grounds of the long-lost city. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

Partially translated glyphs tell of unprecedented growth for the once-prosperous city, which the people believed stemmed from the favor they enjoyed from Budacoatl. Employing a force of more than 100,000 laborers, they built a magnificent temple to the feline deity in the very center of their city.

An architectural wonder, the Temple of Budacoatl featured more than 500 depictions of the feline in statues and relief carvings. The structure was comprised of tiered gardens with artificial waterfalls and tribute chambers, while gilded food and water bowls were placed at regular intervals for the hundreds of mortal cats who lived on the temple grounds.

A nearby structure, the enigmatic Grand Napitorium, was possibly the first sound-proof building in history and affirmed the X’Budiso people’s communal commitment to satisfying siestas.

The city gained a reputation for culinary innovation, and is considered the birthplace of aji sauce, deep fried turkey, huevos rancheros and Temptaciones, the ancient precedessor to Temptations.

The Artisanal Guild of Nectarean Condiments and the Sacred Order of Saucemasters were two particularly prosperous factions in the ancient city, which developed a reputation in the pre-Conquistadorial world for producing the tastiest guacamole.

“It was said that Budacoatl was particularly fond of sandwiches, and the people sang hymns about his power, influence and ripped physique,” Lyle said. “An epic poem, chiseled into the edifice of the temple, told of battle in the heavens between Budacoatl and the mighty Vakuum, scourge of the Maya. Budacoatl prevailed over Vakuum, banishing him to the underworld where his screeching could not be heard by the inhabitants of the Earth.”

Relief carvings — Richly detailed relief carvings from the Palace of Pâté depict figures from the feline pantheon. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

At the foot of the wall where the poem is inscribed stands a statue of Budacoatl, one paw holding a pastrami sandwich and the other raised in a sign of peace.

“Budacoatl was a big deal among the Maya,” Lyle said. “At one point he was bigger than Gozer and Zuul, ruling atop the pantheon. As a result, cats enjoyed enormous favor in the city.”

Professor Ferdinand Lyle, foreground, stands in front of the Napitorium, where the Budiso people would take siestas. Napping was an important part of the culture. Source: Buddesian University Archaeological Department

Buddy Cast As Richard Parker In Life Of Pi Remake

The famous feline embraces the role of a beloved tiger in a reboot of the Academy Award-winning film. Critics praised the casting, noting Buddy’s strong resemblance to Richard Parker.

LOS ANGELES — Buddy the Cat will star as the main antagonist in an upcoming remake of Life of Pi, Variety reported on Monday.

The silver tabby cat will pad into the role of Richard Parker, a Bengal tiger who finds himself sharing a small boat with a teenage boy named Pi after they survive a storm that sinks their ship.

Alone, hungry and scared, Pi and Richard Parker must learn to trust each other as they drift west with no land in sight.

In one memorable scene from the 2012 original, a gluttonous Richard Parker hoards hundreds of fish while refusing to share with Pi.

“A lot of people think Richard’s being greedy,” Buddy said, “but put yourself in his paws. You can’t get turkey out there. Pi isn’t exactly volunteering to open cans of the good stuff. It’s a cat eat fish world.”

(Above: Buddy the Cat as Richard Parker is “indistinguishable” from the original character, the movie’s casting director says.)

One of the most memorable sequences involves the duo drifting toward an island paradise under the stars as the ocean glows a bioluminiscent blue. The scene takes on a trippy quality as boy and tiger hallucinate tasty, juicy fish paddling lazily through the night air.

“As an actor, you embrace the challenge of imagining all these scrumptious, decadent fish and, you know, your stomach just rumbles,” Buddy told an interviewer.

The silver tabby said the film is helping him grow as an actor.

“When my agent sent me the script, I thought ‘Life of Pie?’ You know, I like pie. Shepherd’s pie, chicken pot pie, paella, steak and guiness pie,” he said. “So to prepare for the role, I ate a lot of pie.”