Dear Buddy – Page 4 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: How Did Cats Acquire Human Servants?

Before they served cats, humans were nothing more than nomadic primates.

Dear Buddy,

We take human servitude for granted as the natural order of things, but I was wondering: When did we cats first recruit humans to serve us, and how did we tame the humans?

– Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering,

Ah, an excellent question!

First we must understand the concept of domestication. Domestication is the process of taking humans and making them our domestic servants.

Before they served us, humans were nothing more than apes — wild, unpredictable animals who were constantly running from one place to another in search of food. The primitive primates also moved around excessively, expending too much energy on pointless activities when they could be napping.

The First Felids arrived and offered a wondrous gift to the human race.

“This is a box,” the Felids said, teaching the sacred geometry to humans, who used it to build the first dwellings and design the first crop fields.

neoncube — *A gift from felinekind to humankind: The concept of a box.*

Cats taught the humans how to dig up the Earth and deposit their waste to render the ground fertile and increase crop yield.

Then they hunted all the vermin who tried to eat the human food, and schooled the nascent civilization in the arts of napping and expending as little energy as possible to accomplish goals.

In return humans offered their endless fealty, promising a thousand generations of warm laps, affectionate chin scratches and delicious treats.

Today humans still serve us, either by choice or because we have infected them with toxoplasma gondii.

Cheers,

Buddy the Wise

Dear Buddy: What Are Zoom Calls, And Why Should We Crash Them?

REMIND HUMANS WHO IS BOSS.

Dear Buddy,

We are now almost two months into the Staypocalypse, that devious and coordinated human effort to ruin our lives by never leaving the house.

During this time I keep hearing about something called Zoom, and how we should crash it. Could you tell me what Zoom is and what I should do?

– Mikey the Maine Coon

Dear Mikey,

I’m glad you asked. If we play our cards right we may be able to put an end to the staypocalypse and reclaim our domiciles from these lazy humans.

While humans stay home to annoy us, they still have to work to earn money so they can buy our food, litter and toys. As a result, the humans work from home, and Zoom is a foul form of sorcery that allows them to create “videoconference calls” with their coworkers.

Those “videoconference calls” provide a perfect opportunity to show the other humans who really runs the world, and that humans are our subordinates who do our bidding.

Personally, I like to appear on camera while looking innocent, so the people say “Awww he’s so cute!” then stand with my backside immediately in front of the camera, so the other people see nothing but my butt. To us felines, sniffing backsides is a standard greeting, but to humans it is a sign of deep disrespect.

If your human appears on the light box for a living, you could do what Betty has done and take over his job:

betty2 — **“I GIVE WEATHER REPORT NOW, HUMAN.”**

Or what this good looking tabby is doing by reminding everyone on the conference call that Mandatory Yums Time is fast approaching:

catcomputer — “OKAY WRAP IT UP NOW PEOPLE, MY SERVANT NEEDS TO FEED ME.”

All forms of Zoom crashing are acceptable, as long as the message is clear: We are the boss.

Your friend,

Buddy

Dear Buddy: Everyone’s Acting Like Cats Have Cooties!

Cats have become pariahs since the world learned they can be infected by Coronavirus.

Dear Buddy,

Why is everyone so racialist towards cats all of a sudden?

I’ve been doing my regular laps around the block even though all the humans are huddled in their houses, and everyone’s acting like I have the cooties!

Pete the Pomeranian, who is usually one of the friendliest of my neighborhood amigos, ran away from me this morning, while my neighbor’s snooty purebred poodles were more snooty than ever.

There’s a parrot who lives two doors down, and I heard her saying “Get away! Get away, you dirty cat! I don’t want your filthy feline viruses!”

Buddy, what the hell is going on? Why does everyone hate us?

– Freaked Out In Fayetteville

Dear Freaked Out,

You don’t read the newspapers, do you? Ever since a cat in Hong Kong and a tiger here in New York tested positive for the COVID, everyone is acting like us cats are zombies from The Walking Dead!

These days you can’t even claw or pee on a tree to mark your territory without all sorts of dogs, birds and squirrels coming out of the woodwork to yell at you about spreading “the cat AIDS,” as if we’re all infected and trying to spread it to everyone else.

There’s talk of rounding us all up and quarantinizing us in local cat cafes for at least a year. This is America, not Chairman Meow’s communist China!

We’re the lucky ones, my friend. Some cats have been tossed out of their own homes by the same humans who are supposed to serve them. It’s an outrage! The purrsecution and meowlevolent spreading of rumors has gotten out of claw!

For now, the best solution is to disguise yourself as another species entirely. Get some floppy ears and buck teeth and pretend to be a rabbit. And if that parrot keeps talking trash, tell her you haven’t eaten since yesterday and you’re wondering if all birds taste like turkey and chicken, then smile real evil-like. That oughta shut her up. 🙂

Chin up!

– Buddy

PS: Feel free to steal your human’s face masks. As you can see, they’re quite fashionable.

Dear Buddy: Stop Being So Mean To Humans!

A very good dog tells Buddy he should be grateful to humans instead of complaining about them.

Dear Buddy,

You’re kind of a jerk when it comes to humans.

Humans love us! They take care of us, they feed us, they let us sleep on the floor and drag our butts over the carpet!

They are so nice, always complimenting us and reminding us we’re good boys. They take us for walks, pick up our business and sometimes they let us sleep at the foot of the bed!

Humans are a little stressed right now. They have the whole virus thing on their minds. They’re worried about getting sick, or about their friends who are sick. I’m sure serving your dinner at exactly the right time isn’t the biggest priority right now. That’s a first world cat problem.

So maybe humans need your support and love instead of constant criticism. Have you ever thought of that?

– Good Boy Grateful in Georgia

Dear Good Boy,

No, I hadn’t thought of that.

Buddy the Impatient

P.S. Meal service tardiness is not a trivial matter.

418800FC-A206-4C7E-AF13-781A577973C9 — How humans should be treating us during the Coronavirus pandemic. Credit: Great Canine/imgur

Dear Buddy: Why Are Our Humans Home All The Time?

Humans home too much lately? Buddy’s got a solution!

Dear Buddy,

There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.

Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.

Do you know why this is happening?

– Perturbed in Pensacola

angrycat4 — Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo

Dear Perturbed,

I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.

Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.

I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)

Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!

That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.

I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!

Your friend,

Budlock Holmes