NEW YORK — Despite recent volatility in the cryptocurrency market, investors are rushing back thanks to the newest and most promising digital currency, BuddyCoin.
“Buddy coin, like, leverages assets and annuities and stuff, and then it takes advantage of cyberbond yields in the arbitrage market to leverage incredible profits,” Buddy the Cat explained during a conference call with investors.
Whereas other coins were tethered to startups run by tech bros or susceptible to major price fluctuations dependent on the banking industry, BuddyCoin was “built from the ground up to be resilient,” its founder said.
“We empower our clients by highlighting our core competency through scalable synergies, giving us the bandwidth to grow our brand and our coins,” the gray tabby cat said. “This leads to enormous profits because, like, they get more profitable and stuff. We pride ourselves on our ability to drill down into the financials, taking a deep dive via blue sky thinking and, uh, synergize and streamline the efficiencies in emerging markets through our product.”
Buddy, who serves as founder and CEO of BuddyCoin’s parent company, Money4Buddy (MFB/Nasdaq), has been clearing hurdles to buy the largest turkey farm in North America and has been actively courting investors to help bankroll his attempt to take over several major players in the pet food and poultry markets.
The business-minded feline has also accrued assets in laser technology, a company that manufactures can openers, and several nutritional supplements labs, which have been repurposed to research supplements intended for felines despite market analysts saying there is little to no demand.
“When’s the last time you saw a cat lifting weights or running on a treadmill?” said one analyst who spoke on condition of anonymity.
A market expert from another firm cast doubt on the future of BuddyCoin.
“Have you heard Buddy talk about this stuff?” the cryptocurrency analyst asked. “None of it makes any sense. This is clearly a scam by a well-fed cat to become even more well-fed.”
Buddy ended his call with investors by trying to rally them to his cause.
“BuddyCoin is only going to get more valuable because we leverage our key priorities to push the envelope with lots of moving parts, which helps grow our portfolios,” he said. “Also, I really like turkey, so give me your money. Thank you.”
Above: Paper currency from the feline world: A 10 cat dollar note, top left, a 00 cat dollar note, etc. Unlike human currency, cat dollars come in every conceivable denomination because cats don’t have pockets to carry change.
Pain In The Bud 