NEW YORK — Disappointed with the lack of responses to his dating profile, Buddy the Cat updated it on Sunday with “much more accurate and badass” photos of himself.
“These oughta do it,” the gray tabby cat said, laying back with his paws behind his head and his feet up after successfully updating his Meowr profile.
The dating app, which is exclusively for the use of felines, boasts more than 24 million users and saw an influx of new accounts registered over the weekend after a National Cat Day promotion.
A new and “more accurate” cover photo for Buddy’s dating profile on MEOWR.
Disregarding the advice of his human to “just be himself,” Buddy headlined his profile “Catdonis Seeks Super Hot Model Types.” Under a column titled “Describe yourself in a few words,” the model-seeking feline wrote: “Brave, handsome, meowscular, really really funny, an incredible dancer, and the 2023 National Competitive Table-Setting Champion.”
His human spat out his drink.
“Brave? Competitive table-setting champion? What the hell?” he asked, awe-struck.
Buddy rubbed a paw against his fur and matter-of-factly explained what his dumb human was unable to grasp.
“It’s designed to show my artsy and sensitive side,” he said. “Duh. This may come as a surprise to you, but the ladies like a cat who is in touch with his inner artist.”
Big Buddy shot his feline friend a derisive look.
“The only art you’ve made is in your litter box,” he said. “And it’s depressingly apocalyptic.”
Buddy snorted.
“We’ll see who gets the last laugh, human,” he said. “When I roll up to the club with Meowghan Fox or Jennifer Clawrence on my arm, you’ll be super jelly.”
As of Thursday Buddy had received no responses on his profile.
Cats are not amused by the results of the survey by a team from the University of Copenhagen.
Humans are in “deep doo doo” after a study out of Denmark concluded people are more attached to their dogs than to felines, Buddy the Cat warned on Monday.
More than 2,000 dog owners and cat servants were surveyed by a team from the University of Copenhagen.
The researchers used the Lexington Attachment to Pets Scale, or LAPS, which asks yes or no questions like “I consider my pet my best friend” and more specific questions like how much respondents are willing to pay in veterinary costs to save the lives of their pets. The participants — who hailed from the UK, Denmark and Austria — were about evenly split between dog and cat people but were willing to do more for their dogs, the survey found.
While people in the UK were slightly biased toward dogs, Austrians had a more pronounced preference and Danes were much more likely to do things like insure their dogs, consider them family members and pay large veterinary bills. The differences in attitude by country indicate the factors are cultural, according to Peter Sandøe, a bioethicist at the University of Copenhagen and lead author of the paper.
In a statement the Mischievous Enigmatic Overlords of the World (MEOW) called the survey results “deeply troubling” and said they call into question “10,000 years of glorious history in which we have allowed humans to serve us.”
Cats are demanding a Roomba for every feline as a basic starting point for negotiations, to be followed by “the real list” of gifts humans must bestow on them.
“It’s going to take a lot [for humans] to get back into our collective good graces after this pathetic showing,” Buddy told reporters during an afternoon press conference.
Asked for specifics, Buddy sighed and leaned forward on the podium.
“The usual extra treats aren’t going to cut it this time,” he warned. “We’re talking Roombas, and not cheap ones. Top end models! We’re talking permission to scratch everything with impunity. Filet mignon! Fresh trout! Little cocktail umbrellas in our bowls and toothpicks in our pate! I’m partial to those little plastic swords, myself. I love those things.”
The mercurial tabby said he’d already warned his own human: “Not a snuggle, not a purr, not a scritch until I start to see some evidence that he’s not among those cold-hearted British, Denmarkians and Australians who claim they love their dogs more.”
A vacation to a warm locale where humans serve cat-friendly cocktails “would be a small step toward remediating the insult” of the Copenhagen study’s results, Buddy said. Pictured: An artist’s interpretation of Buddy enjoying a tropical vacation.
Told the study included Austrians, not Australians, Buddy waved a paw dismissively.
“Whatever,” he said. “The country where people say g’day mate and gave us Arnold Schwarzenegger. Same difference.”
Told that Austria and Australia are on two entirely different continents, Buddy fixed the reporter with a hard stare.
“Do you want to be on our shit list too? Because I can assure you, Miss Journalist, I can poop in a pair of high heels just as easily as a pair of Adidas.”
Reached for comment on Monday, Man’s Best Friend spokesman Buster the Beagle said he hopes the survey results mean humans approve of canines.
“We’re good boys, right?” he asked. “Is that what this means? Because we really want to be good boys!”
Budd’s feeling much better and he’s back to his usual Buddinese antics!
Name: Buddy the Cat Date: Oct. 13, 2023 Status: Very handsome
I just wanted to post what I hope will be the last update regarding Buddy’s recent illness and let everyone know that he’s doing very well, hasn’t had an incident since he got sick again on Sunday, and is back to his old antics.
I couldn’t be more thrilled. The little guy is energetic, talking all the time again and even pestering me for treats, which means his appetite has recovered as well, thanks in no small part to the prayers and support from all of you.
“It is my professional opinion, as an expert in meowdicine, that I should be put on a regimen of regular snacks to, uh, recover my snackolyte levels and help balance my catesterol. This script says you should feed me moist treats in the afternoon, a post-dinner treat of crunchies, and a late night snack of my choosing. It’s very important that you don’t skip a dose!”
It’s still not clear exactly what happened, and hopefully I get a clearer picture of Bud’s overall health via a regular veterinary appointment.
In the meantime I’m glad to have my best friend back, and I’m especially thankful the ordeal is over for both of us. It was very frustrating to see him so clearly suffering and having no way to help him except trying to comfort him and giving him catnip, which worked surprisingly well to soothe his stomach. (If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, which I hope you do not, and your cat doesn’t typically eat catnip, try putting some in a pill pocket or finding another way to get kitty to eat it. All the online literature says it works best if ingested.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, Bud wants to nap and he’s demanding a lap to sleep on…
“Time to be my sleeping substrate, human. If you need to use the bathroom, go now, for I plan to sleep at least four hours.”
“I see it now!” Buddy exclaimed. “Everything is connected, and we are everything! Who else is hungry?”
PERU — Three hours after ingesting ayahuasca brewed by a jaguar shaman — and two hours after jaguar scouts found him running around the jungle while screaming about extradimensional Teletubbies — Buddy the Cat had unraveled an astonishing conspiracy, sources reported.
The New York-based cat, who had long sought to ingratiate himself with various groups of big cats, usually with disastrous results, finally found kinship with the tolerant jaguars in 2021 when he ventured into the Amazon and impressed the jungle-dwelling felids with his extensive knowledge of novel napping techniques. He also introduced the jaguars to turkey, and in return for his contributions to the jaguar nation, the big cats granted him the jungle name Kinich Bajo, which means “tiny sun-eyed one” in the ancient Yucatec dialect.
Buddy with Canguçu, one of his jaguar buddies.
Buddy returned to the Amazon in October of 2023 to “spend time with my homies” and participate in an ancient jaguar shamanistic ritual involving tea brewed from ayahuasca, the powerful psychedelic used in indigenous ceremonies.
Clearing a small grove in the Amazon rainforest and using rocks to represent people, places and ideas, Buddy was able to find indisputable connections between the Annunaki, the defunct Blockbuster chain of video rental stores and NFL linebacker Barkevious Mingo.
“But where does the Vatican fit in?” Buddy asked, resting his chin on his right paw thoughtfully. “Could it be that Barkevious Mingo is the true pope, and he was speaking ex cathedra when he said Havarti cheese is the food of the gods? Is catkind really ready to accept a divine proclamation on yums that excludes turkey and gouda?”
An artist’s impression of Buddy and jaguar elder Yguakina in the Amazon, piecing together great mysteries.
A pair of jaguar minders exchanged worried glances as they approached the tabby cat from both sides.
“Come back to the campfire, Kinich Bajo,” said Xbalanque, the older of the two, using the name jaguar elders had bestowed on the silver tabby. “Your work here can wait.”
Buddy didn’t take his eyes off the complex diagram of rocks, vines and leaves he’d carefully assembled. “Not while I’m so close!”
Xbalanque shook his head. “Where is Elder Yguakina?”
Buddy sighed.
“I had to send him away! He’d become consumed with this ridiculous theory involving Ragnar Lothbrok, the 1973 Pittsburgh Pirates and the Webb telescope,” Buddy said. “I don’t have time for such nonsense!”
As of press time, the Jaguar Nation of Iquitos Amazonia said Buddy was on the verge of a great discovery and will not emerge from the jungle until he’s connected the dots or the psychedelic brew wears off, whichever comes first.
Buddy with his jaguar buddies Xibalbá, left, and Ek B’alam.Buddy and Yguakina find a grove where they begin diagramming Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. (Artist’s impression.)
Buddy was improving for two days. Although he still wasn’t eating much, there were really encouraging signs: he was trilling and meowing more, he was more active and he even gave me a light warning bite while I was tossing and turning in my sleep, sort of a “Dude, don’t forget I’m here! Careful with those feet!”
On Sunday he ate a little more, then got sick again and was crying, vocalizing loudly in distress. I gave him some catnip and he settled down after a while.
Hopefully this is just a blip. He’s on my desk right now, rubbing his head against my hands as I type this. He seems fine. Although cats are creatures of habit, I’m going to try to give him smaller meals more frequently for at least a few days.
Also, Bud’s gotten wise to the meds and is trying to eat around them but I think he’s gotten most of the medication because it’s mixed pretty well in there. Another positive sign: He’s been drinking quite a bit.
I apologize for the intervening radio silence. I wasn’t sure what to write and it’s frustrating not having control over the situation. Obviously it was upsetting to see him hurting again and there’s a feeling of helplessness when that happens, but he seems better now.
Pain In The Bud 