Category: cat humor

AMAZON RAINFOREST — At the peak of the hill, still well within the darkness of the tree canopy where only a few slabs of light penetrate through the understory to the jungle floor, a path stops abruptly.

In its place is a steep drop and the mouth of an underground chasm carrying water over the edge, creating one of the planet’s most spectacular waterfalls — and a sweeping vista of the lake and its shores below, where structures from deep antiquity seem to exist only as outlines in the mist.

It is here in the Lost City of Casarabe that intrepid explorer Buddy the Cat believes he’ll find the legend his species has sought for more than a thousand years.

It is, he believes, the site of the Lap of Luxury.

“Many explorers have braved these jungles in search of the legendary Lap of Luxury,” Sir Buddy says as members of his team pad around their camp. “I stand on the shoulders of some pretty big cats here, on the cusp of history, to finally achieve what so many felines set out to do.”

Buddy believes the Lap of Luxury will be found in this ancient city, which was abandoned more than a thousand years ago for reasons that so far elude the experts accompanying him. Only a very small part of the Lost City of Casarabe is visible even this deep in the jungle. The flora here is too dense and the jungle floor too dark to give up its secrets so easily.

Under Sir Buddy’s direction, teams have cleared a thick network of vines to reveal a stepped pyramid, the twelve spires of a temple dedicated to a mysterious jaguar deity, and a remarkably well-preserved palace that Buddy believes once belonged to an aristocratic feline.

Some seventy rooms are contained in the palace, including a chamber the team has dubbed the Hall of a Thousand Naps, where stunning stone-carved reliefs depict an advanced felid civilization that engaged in napping not only as a biological necessity, but a function of religious fervor.

“The Caztecs were known for their brutality and the Layans were known for their enduring empire, but the hallmark of Casarabian society was the elevation of napping into high art,” says Ferdinand Lyle, an expert on South American antiquities with the British Museum. “Indeed, grand murals depict a civilization that measured time in naps and meals, and even military disputes with neighboring powers were scheduled around shut-eye. To the Casarabians, violating the sanctity of the Nap Schedule was considered an affront to the very fabric of society.”

Legends and the surviving records of neighboring civilizations mention the Lap of Luxury using a dictionary’s worth of superlatives to describe its magnificence. Aztec scholars called it “simultaneously radiant and outrageously comfortable, always the perfect temperature, the substrate upon which kings enjoyed serene naps and gentle massages while being fed candied figs.”

It is alternately described as gilded, soft, gem-like in its facets and silken in tactile sensation.

“Of its comforts, it knows no equals,” wrote 19th century explorer Percy Fawcett, who spent the latter part of his life searching for Casarabe. “If today’s artisans were capable of emulating such perfection, which they are obviously not, all of civilization would grind to a halt as millions fall into deep, satisfying slumber.”

Khalbalique, a jaguar historian and contemporary of the Casarabians, wrote that the Lap of Luxury “thrillified me down to my paws.”

“Such was the lazification of this tremendulomentous relaxatory,” the big cat wrote, “that I found it extraordinatiously operose to extractify my personage from its embraculations.”

Regardless of the conflicting accounts, all agree on one thing: the Lap of Luxury is magnificent.

Sir Buddy and his team are working out the details of bringing a helicopter into the deep jungle in order to use LIDAR, or light detection and ranging, to sweep the area. Using a mix of near-infrared, ultraviolet and visible light, a team using LIDAR from the air can digitally “remove” the dense jungle to reveal the structures underneath, natural and man-made.

For the intrepid explorers it’s an advantage their forebears never had, and it’s one reason why Sir Buddy believes he will succeed where those who came before him did not.

“With this technology we can map the entire city and find its most opulent palaces and temples, the places most likely to house the elusive Lap of Luxury,” Sir Buddy says. “When we find it, it shall be my honor to be the first cat in more than two hundred years to settle into it, get comfortable and have a nice nap.”