cat behavior – Page 31 – Pain In The Bud

The “Best” Halloween Costumes For Cats

Buddy evaluates cat costumes so your kitty doesn’t have to suffer the indignity.

The past few days saw the publication of not one, but two near-identical clickbait lists of the “best” Halloween costumes for cats.

In August.

Yay for cheap sponsored posts, aka undisclosed advertising!

So in the spirit of Pain In The Bud, we’ll take cat costumes from each of those lists and run them by Buddy to learn what His Grace thinks of them, along with the retributive measures he’d take if I forced him to wear the costume.

Pizza Slice Pet Suit – 0/10

Buddy’s verdict: “It doesn’t even look like a pizza, and the toppings are all wrong. Who puts mushrooms and black olives on a pepperoni pie? I would poop in your shoe if you made me wear this.”

Princess Leia Buns Cat Costume – 0/10

Buddy’s verdict: “I’d straight up murder you in a way so creative I haven’t even thought of it yet. Don’t even think about it.”

Peacock Cat Costume – 0/10

Buddy’s verdict: “Why are humans obsessed with making us look like other animals? Would you want to be a peacock? I’d bite you and refuse to let go until you’re cured of any urge to peacock me.”

Wizard Hat for Cats – 6/10

Buddy’s verdict: “I put on my robe and wizard hat. This one’s actually not bad. It would make me look mysterious! I’ve always wanted to be a wizard with the power to open fridges and tin cans. Does it come in red?”

Red Riding Hood Cat Costume – 0/10

Buddy’s verdict: “Over the river and through the woods, to smother you in your sleep we go! Did you know humans can be ‘fixed’ too? I just read about it. Fascinating!”

Donald Trump Cat Costume – 3/10

Buddy’s verdict: “Suddenly I feel the urge to tweet. This is the number one cat costume in the world, okay folks? It really is terrific. Tremendous. The best costume you’ll ever see, okay? Just don’t make me wear it. If you’ve got a ginger tabby, though…”

Turkey Drumsticks Cat Costume – 7/10

Buddy’s verdict: “Okay, credit for the idea. Whoever made this costume knows the way to a Buddy’s heart. But it’s like bringing me up to the Thanksgiving table, allowing me to take a deep sniff of the magnificent bird, and then snatching me away from that turkey goodness before I can take a bite. A tease. Unless it comes with actual turkey, it’s a no-go.”

King Cat Costume – 7/10

Buddy’s verdict: “I feel like the intent was pure, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Not quite regal enough for me, is it? Your punishment would be to find something appropriately majestic for me, although I’m sure that would feel more like a privilege.”

Legendary Kitty Hero Akitties Cat Costume – 10/10

Buddy’s verdict: “I look badass, don’t I?”

Australia Is Offering $10 Per Cat/Kitten Scalp, And Wants To Cull 2 Million Kitties By 2020

Australia sucks.

Dear Buddy,

I saw these horrible stories on Mama’s computer:

Cash for Cats: Queensland’s Bounty on Ferals
Why Australia Has Declared War on Feral Felines
You Can Legit Be A Feral Bounty Hunter, Australia Needs You

What do you think of them? I can’t believe it. I think they’re awful and I’m scared. I have a good home, but what if my mama died or something and no other people came to help me and I was left outside? Would this happen to me?

Headbump,

Stasi from ‘Stralia.

Dear Stasi,

This is from the third link you sent me:

“…good news, folks! You can legit be a bounty hunter in Australia. Sort of. Now before you get excited over traveling around Australia, hunting down outlaws, and slamming down bounty posters onto a sheriff’s desk in demand of payment, people are off-limits if you decide to be a bounty hunter in Australia.

No, what you’ll be hunting are – wait for it – cats. Feral cats to be specific.

The Banana Shire Council up in Queensland is offering bounties on the presentation of feral cat scalps and are willing to pay you $10 per scalp.”

Oh, what brave hunters, stalking the outback with bolt-action rifles to combat the plague of 10-pound kitties! Well, I’ll bet they’re as heroic as this guy:

fatguylion — *It’s not hunting when there’s zero chance of failure and the animal is so accustomed to humans, it doesn’t even realize you’re trying to kill it.*

So brave!

Don’t worry, Stasi. Buddy will give these Australians a piece of his mind. And if those savages don’t stop, you can come live with Buddy in New York.

His Grace, Buddy the King
Dated August the 14th, 5 A.B. (Anno Buddy)

To the Foul, Ignoble Degenerates of Australia,

After enquiring about your country, having never heard of it before receiving this most unfortunate news, we have been reliably informed that “Australia” is a former penal colony for English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh riff-raff who were banished from their home countries.

Some 160,000 criminals were forcibly transported to your abominable hovel of a “country,” where the assorted scoundrels, reprobates and rapscallions engineered a vulgar approximation of civilization. Fueled by alcohol, you copulated and produced more pissants. Generations of them, which brings us to you.

Australians — The proud history of Australia.

It comes as no surprise, then, to receive news that misguided leaders and anti-cat activists are pushing for a culling of your superiors, adult and kitten alike. You are offering between $5 and $10 “bounty” per kitten or cat “scalp.”

What kind of barbarians would do such a thing?

We understand there are two primary reasons for this: Our collective impact on local species, and Greg, best known to humans as the Bane of Birds, the vicious white cat who snacked on an entire bird sanctuary.

Look, Greg is a dick. We freely admit that.

We told him those birds were in a sanctuary. We told him not to eat the birds. We told him to stop messing with humans. We even told him to stop hogging the Temptations.

Greg didn’t listen, and now Greg’s dead. At your hands.

We offer the opportunity for a cease fire. You got Greg. There’s no reason for you to continue hunting us with rifles and arrows like the wimps you are, terrified of getting scratched by creatures that weigh 1/20 your weight even if we are 10 times your superior.

We control rodent populations. We are furry and we like to cuddle. We are like warm, purring pillows of love and cuteness. What more could you want?

And so we extend this olive branch in the sincere hope that you take it. Recall your “hunters” or face our wrath!

Signed,
His Grace, Buddy the King
First of His Name, Sole Sovereign of the Fields of Turkey, Ruler of New York, Protector of the Apartmental Realm, the Most Handsome, Totally Not Scared of Anything

budhanging2 — Run in terror at the sight of my claws, Australians!

This Is Why You Shouldn’t Mess With Tigers

Surely cats must have a sense of humor.

Gather round, kids, and listen to another tale of how cats always win.

My cousin has been married to her husband, Rob, for more than 25 years, and on one of their early dates he took her to the Bronx Zoo.

These were the days before the famously large tiger enclosure was remodeled into Tiger Mountain. Nowadays a series of huge fiberglass panels separates the tigers from the visitors, meaning there’s no open air between them.

You can probably thank Rob for that.

Back then only a reinforced fence separated the Earth’s biggest cats from people who’d come to gawk at them, and Rob decided he’d get my cousin to laugh by goofing off in front of a tiger.

He started off making a few faces, and the other visitors — kids, their parents, other couples looking at the tiger — found it funny. (At least according to Rob they did.)

Encouraged, Rob stepped up his act, dancing and waving until one tiger in particular took interest.

“What are you going to do, tiger?” he taunted. “That’s right! Nothing! You can’t do anything!”

The tiger roared, and Rob roared back. The huge cat was clearly not amused by a human dancing like a clown, making stupid faces and taunting it with an insulting approximation of a roar.

So the tiger turned around.

“That’s right!” Rob said, declaring premature victory. “Walk away! You can’t do nothin’!”

Oh, but the tiger could.

The annoyed cat raised its tail, backed up a stride and let loose a projectile — “a wad” is how Rob described it — of thick, gooey urine, hitting Rob square in the face.

The tiger had impeccable aim.

“It was enough to fill that,” Rob said, pointing to a large soda bottle. “It was all over me. It was in my mouth!”

Rob staggered back and lost his footing, taking one of the young bystanders with him as he fell. The angry mother stared daggers at him as she yanked her kid away, realizing with horror that he’d suffered collateral damage from the gooey salvo.

As for the tiger, it chuffed and, having proved its point, sauntered away.

Miraculously, my cousin agreed to continue dating Rob. Not that she found the episode flattering.

“That should have been the big warning sign,” she joked.

Today they have two adult daughters. As for Rob, he’s an executive at one of the country’s largest telecommunications companies, but says he has no illusions about his level of maturity.

“The way I was back then is the way I am now,” he told me. “I’m still an idiot.”

He may be an idiot, but he’s not going to mess with any more tigers.

Buddy laughing — . “lol dude I’m chuffed.”:/..

Meet My Cousin. He’s A Dog.

Yes, he’s a dog. Every family has its black sheep…or brown chihuahuas.

This is my cousin, Cosmo.

As you can see, he’s a dog. Specifically some sort of chihuahua-terrier bastard mix. I try not to hold it against him, but he’s not so smart.

Tug of war: A simple game for a simple animal.

Here’s an interesting fact: Did you know dogs think they’re territorial like us cats? In their very small brains they think “I’ve got my own territory to defend! I know! I’ll be very loud and tell any potential intruders I’m standing right here just waiting for an ass kicking! Bark bark!”

Ridiculous!

Intruders in kitty territory don’t even know they’re being watched. They think the coast is clear and they drop their guard, oblivious to the ninja cat already sailing through the air, razor claws extended, ready to dispense a little feline-style justice!

Cosmo is visiting New York with his dad, Brother of Big Buddy. BoBB is a pretty cool guy. He understands who runs things around here and he pays tribute to me by rubbing my head.

Cosmo himself is easy to bully. All I have to do is flash my terrifying fangs and show off my huge muscles, and he whimpers and runs away. Then I eat all the snacks.

Still, Cosmo’s not bad. For a dog.

Buddy the Cat! — As you can see, my fur is much more luxurious than a dog’s bristly coat.

Downton Buddy!

Buddy is Lord Grantham and I am Mr. Carson.

If you’re a regular reader of Pain In The Bud you know that Buddy is — how shall we put this delicately? — a complete brat.

Born to a well-loved momma cat and adopted as a kitten, the Budster has known nothing but indoor warmth, comfort and a doting Big Buddy to see to his every need.

Yet I’ve heard it said that even rescue cats, saved from miserable circumstances in hoarders’ homes or brought in from the freezing cold, have an instinctual ability to put their humans in their place.

Grateful? Yes. But to a cat it simply means the natural order has been restored with a human who realizes kitty is a king or queen.

Reader Anna Keller confirms this: She rescued her cat, Frank, from the mean streets of LA, but it didn’t take long for Frank to adjust to his new pampered reality, relegating Anna to “the servants’ quarters of ~~Anna’s~~ Frank’s house.”

Frank, Earl of Los Angeles — Frank lounging in his parlor.

That got us thinking: What if every cat had access to a servant bell system a la Downton Abbey?

In order to be able to communicate efficiently with the domestic staff, internal bell systems became very popular when they were invented in 1744. Prior to this invention, servants would have to wait outside their employer’s rooms or linger unassumingly in the background of the family quarters, waiting for orders. This was considered intrusive and inefficient. The innovative bell systems therefore increased privacy and meant that servants could remain in their quarters whilst waiting to be summoned. This new facility became a standard in this era.

Imagine the labels: “Buddy’s Bedroom,” “Buddy’s Dining Nook,” “Nap Room,” “Food Can Room,” “Human Litterbox Room” and so on.

Even worse, imagine the incessant ringing!

RING! “I can see the bottom of my bowl! Get up here and fill it!” RING! “You missed a microscopic piece of turd when you scooped my box, how am I supposed to poop here?” RING! “What did we say about feeding me tuna after I’ve had salmon? No consecutive fish dishes!” RING! “I would like to be scratched behind the ears, servant!”

“Will that be all, My Lord?”

“Yes, Carson. You may retire to the servants’ quarters…”

RING! “You closed the door. We do not tolerate closed doors in this house! Oh, and Carson? Have Mrs. Patmore send up a late night snack, I’m feeling peckish.”

Hell, Buddy would use the bell even while I’m sleeping.

RING! “You just rolled over onto your back and disturbed my sleep. Do not forget you are my mattress!” RING! “Stop snoring!” RING! “Wake up and feed me breakfast!”

Note to self: Do not ever, ever allow Buddy to watch Downton Abbey, lest dangerous ideas form in his little head.