“And the turkey, it were just gone, just like that!” said the fat cat relaying his story to Purrlock in the sitting room at 221B Baker St. “The bowl was full of fresh, delicious turkey one minute, then licked clean the next. Third time this week. I’m at me wit’s end!”
Purrlock plucked a discordant note on his cello and shifted in his seat.
“It’s all perfectly obvious then, isn’t it?”
The pudgy cat looked hopeful, his primordial pouch jiggling as he leaned forward.
“It is?”
“Indeed. Your roommate Socks is known for fastidious grooming, yet he had a Klingon on his rear two hours after the turkey went missing, which means someone was using the litterbox more frequently and Socks was far less careful than normal in his haste to exit the befouled box. From the abundance of tracked litter outside the box we can deduce that another cat made use of it on several more occasions between the time it was last cleaned at 10 pm the previous evening and 10 am this morning.
“In addition, only two of the three bowls — yours and Socks’ — were licked clean, with several morsels of beef pate still left in Oreo’s bowl. Thus we can deduce Oreo ate your turkey and most of his beef pate, necessitating twice his usual trips to the litter box, accounting for the larger-than-usual mess inside, Socks’ unfortunate Klingon, and the extra tracked litter. Ergo, Oreo was your turkey thief. Next!”
Purrlockian attire.
Mr. Fuzzy stood up as Purrlock returned to plucking his cello.
“That were amazing, that was!” Fuzzy said to Watson as he shuffled out of the sitting room. “Now it’s time for me to have a little talk with me mate Oreo. Good day, Mr. Holmes, Mr. Watson!”
Watson waited until Fuzzy had descended the steps leading out from 221B Baker Street before clearing his throat.
“Forty six seconds,” he said, managing to sound impressed. “Might be a new record.”
Purrlock didn’t look up from his cello.
“Please. London’s criminals are becoming tediously predictable, Watson. If a criminal mastermind doesn’t emerge soon, I’ll have to go and rob a tin cannery myself just to alleviate this dreadful boredom!”
“Your brother Meowcroft phoned earlier. Said he had a case of national importance.”
Purrlock sighed. “Boring!”
Watson jumped onto his desk, pawing through a pile of letters and documents.
“How about this then, Purrlock? From this morning’s paper: ‘Mistmoor Gentlecat Found Dead, Witnesses ID ‘Spectral Hound’ As Culprit.'”
Purrlock played arpeggios.
“Yokels convincing themselves they saw ghostly Beagles? We can do better than that, my dear Watson.”
Tires screeched and a car horn blasted in the street below, followed by obscenities in at least three languages.
“That’s too bad,” Watson meowed, feigning disinterest. “Mistmoor’s home to one of the nation’s largest turkey farms, you know.”
Purrlock’s ears pricked up and swiveled.
“Did you say turkey? My dear Watson, when there’s turkey involved, always lead with that!”
He put down his cello and reached for his coat and hat.
“What are we waiting for, Watson? The game is apaw!”
You may have noticed that turkey is a frequent topic of conversation on this blog, and since we’ve had new readers join us it’s a good time to explain just what the hell is going on with my cat’s fowl obsession.
It’s simple: Buddy really loves turkey.
I first noticed it when he was about 10 weeks old. Like most cats he enjoys all kinds of food, but when I fed him turkey one day, he scarfed every last bit of it down, licking his bowl clean.
When he was finished he looked like the happiest kitten in the world, sitting there licking his lips enthusiastically, sopping up every stray morsel before letting loose a tiny, satisfied belch.
“The turkey!”
Before adopting Bud, I’d read enough cautionary stories about finicky cats who’ll only eat a certain kind of meat, in only one texture, from a particular cat food company.
Not only does food become perfunctory for those cats, but if the cat food company discontinues the product, both cat and owner are in for frustration that could stretch for weeks of trial and error. Finding an acceptable alternative is usually an expensive, wasteful process as kitty repeatedly turns his or her nose up at substitutes.
Heeding the cautionary advice of those devoted cat servants, I fed as much variety as was possible from the very beginning. Bud eats salmon, chicken, beef, tuna, shrimp and duck, among other varieties when available.
He genuinely enjoys his meals thanks to the variety, and I’d recommend the same strategy for anyone else bringing a new kitten home. Get ’em started early and you won’t have a picky cat.
But for Bud, nothing compares to turkey. No other food prompts such meows of pure joy, or the urgency with which he leads me to his dining nook when he knows his bowl is filled with yummy turkey goodness, frequently looking over his shoulder to make sure I’m just a step behind him with his beloved turkey.
It’s been that way since he was a baby, and in more than six years it hasn’t changed.
So for Buddy, life’s finest things are turkey, catnip, napping, napping on top of his Big Buddy, and turkey.
A story from Turkey illustrates the deep bond animals share with their favorite people.
A story about an extraordinarily loyal dog has touched the hearts of animal lovers all over the world, and probably has many of us thinking: If I had a medical emergency, would my pet chase an ambulance to the hospital and wait there for days until I emerged?
That’s what Boncuk the loyal dog did after her owner, Cemal Senturk, suffered a brain embolism and was taken to a hospital in the northern Turkish city of Trabzon on Jan. 14.
Boncuk waited patiently for her best friend until Aynur Egeli, Senturk’s daughter, took the loving pup home the first night.
The next morning Boncuk was gone, and Egeli knew exactly where she was going.
“She comes every day around 9 a.m. and waits until nightfall,” Muhammet Akdeniz, a security guard at the hospital, told local media. “When the door opens she pokes her head inside,” Akseniz said, but the polite pooch “doesn’t go in.”
Boncuk poked her head inside but knew she wasn’t allowed inside the hospital.
Boncuk was reunited with Senturk on Wednesday when an orderly wheeled the man out to the hospital entrance. Senturk was later discharged.
In photos and a short video of the reunion, Boncuk is the image of happiness and relief: Her tail wags uncontrollably and she can’t contain her enthusiasm as she literally jumps for joy.
“She’s very used to me,” Senturk said. “And I miss her, too, constantly.”
Boncuk’s story reminds us of Hachiko, the Japanese Akita dog who was so devoted to his owner, Hidesaburō Ueno, that he’d run to Shibuya station every day to greet Ueno as he stepped off the subway. Ueno was in mid-lecture in front of a class of students when he suffered a brain hemorrhage and died on the spot.
It’s a story of animal devotion that resonates so strongly with people that Hachiko was memorialized with a statue just feet from the spot where he stood every day, waiting for Ueno.
Boncuk waits for her owner in front of the hospital.
Yes, this wonderful story begs the question: Would my pet do the same for me?
Putting aside the problem of actually getting to the hospital — which would be almost impossible given the distance, traffic and the fact that he’s an indoor cat — if Bud were allowed to stay in a hospital room with me, I believe wholeheartedly that he would remain by my side.
Like other pets who have strong bonds with their people, he knows when I’m not feeling well, and when I was sidelined with Bell’s palsy and a debilitating headache a few years ago, he never left my side.
That is not to say he wouldn’t be his usual incorrigible self. You know that little button that calls the nurse? He would abuse the hell out of it if he knew its function, and he’d probably think the nurses were there to serve him, bring him snacks and fluff his pillow.
“Nurse! In here! My pillow needs fluffing! Also, could you be a doll and fetch me some Temptations?”
The truth is that pets are not allowed in the vast majority of hospitals. Writing in PetLife, Alicia Beyer notes pets “not only brighten patients’ spirits, but hospitals are reporting that the pet visits can have dramatic effects on patient’s health, recovery and emotional well-being.”
In Canada, there’s an organization called Zachary’s Paws, which was started by Donna Jenkins in honor of her 25-year-old nephew.
“While Zachary was in the hospital for many weeks and very sick after having a stem cell transplant, he begged to see his dog, Chase,” Jenkins told Bored Panda. “We sneaked Chase into ICU to see him and the effect it had on Zachary was remarkable. When Zachary realized he was not going to survive his cancer, he made me promise to start the organization.
But as PetMD notes, there are good reasons why most hospitals don’t allow pets, including problems pets can pose to patients with compromised immune systems and allergies. Hospitals that do allow pet visits have strict standards, and the animals must be thoroughly cleaned by staff before they’re allowed in.
Alas, even as more hospitals allow pet visitation or therapy animals, many exclude cats, and a 2015 report by the Society for Healthcare Epidemiology of America says cats “should be excluded.” The report claims cats can’t be trained as well as dogs, the risk of bites and scratches is higher, and more patients may be allergic to cats.
Jeopardy featured an astonishing 32 clues about turkey during Buddy’s first night guest-hosting the game.
CULVER CITY, California — Buddy the Cat began his week-long stint guest-hosting Jeopardy on Monday to mixed reviews, with viewers divided on whether the famous cat was doing justice to the late, beloved host Meowlex Trebek.
The food-obsessed feline was said to have a heavy influence on category selection on the episodes he filmed, with approximately 63 percent of clues involving the consumption, description or preparation of yums.
“Enough turkey already,” one social media user fumed. “Is this a game show or a cooking show?”
Others praised Buddy’s performance as guest host.
“Buddy is absolutely dreamy as the host of Jeopardy, as we all knew he would be,” Twitter user @KittyKalico wrote. “Now all he needs is a mustache and everything will be right with the world.”
The game board during the first round of play on Monday, Buddy the Cat’s first episode as guest host.
Former champion Austin Rogers, architect of the Burj Khalifa and inventor of the Cuisinart, returned to the show as a contestant for Buddy’s first night guest-hosting the program and won handily, taking home a hefty $42,607 and successfully answering all three Double Jeopardy questions, which were all centered around poultry.
Rogers nearly doubled his score on Final Jeopardy, which offered contestants the following clue under the category “Space Yums”: “Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin ate this food during the first-ever meal on the moon.”
Rogers correctly responded “What is freeze-dried roasted turkey?”, earning him the win.
Jeopardy champion Austin Rogers reacts after successfully answering a turkey-related question en route to his Final Jeopardy win on Monday night.
“Vote 4 me and all your wildest dreams will come true!!” Buddy tweeted. “Turkey and bacon will rain down from the heavens! Great rivers of catnip will flow through the streets!”
Twitter generated another round of controversy Wednesday after censoring meows by President Buddy, claiming they were misleading or inaccurate.
It was the fourth time in less than a week that the social media giant censored or amended warnings to the president of the Americats’ messages. The first was President Buddy’s election day tweet to his followers:
“Vote 4 me and all your wildest dreams will come true!!” Buddy tweeted. “Turkey and bacon will rain down from the heavens! The panda demic will last forever, ensuring your humans are always home to do your bidding! Chihuahuas will be deported back to Chihuahua! Great rivers of catnip will flow through the streets!”
The tweet was up for more than 20 minutes before Twitter amended it with a warning to users: “Our community guidelines team have decided this tweet violates our terms of service. No politician can make turkey or bacon rain down from the sky.”
A second tweet was semi-censored late on election night, with Twitter’s team deactivating retweets on the post.
“Well, that looks about wrapped up!!!” Buddy tweeted to his 56.3 million followers. “Tremendous victory! Stand by for turkey — oven roasted, sliced and fried — to rain down from the heavens, my friends, amid clouds ushering in the sweet smell of bacon as crispy bits of it form a deluge over patriotic American skies. (The counties that voted for me.) I’ll sleep well knowing I have four more years! ‘MERICATS!”
By Wednesday morning, President Buddy’s posts had changed in tone as vote tallies indicated tighter contests in North Carolina, Arizona and Georgia. Exit polls indicated the president did well with desert cats in Arizona, who said poultry and bacon were two of the most important issues this election cycle.
“WHAT IS THIS BULLS–? They CHEATED. This is the work of the Siamese, folks! They’ll tell you it was the Russian Blues, but who are all these tech companies beholden to? THE SIAMESE. Americat tech companies are conspiring with the Siamese to censor me, President Buddy, and STEAL THE ELECTION! Sad!”
Less than a half hour later, Twitter tagged the post with another warning: “Our fact-checking unit has determined this tweet is wrong or misleading. There is no evidence the great and powerful Siamese, led by the awe-inspiring Chairman Xinnie the Pooh, have exerted any influence in the Americat election. Xinnie is too wise a man to trouble himself with such rubbish. May he live forever!”
The president’s supporters cried foul, calling for anti-trust proceedings against social media giants like Twitter, Facebook and Google.
The fourth and most recent censored tweet was sent on Thursday.
“It’s been an exhausting few weeks, but we made it to the finish line!” Buddy tweeted. “Gonna go crash on my human and enjoy a nice long nap. Nothing’s better than sleeping on my Big Buddy.”
Like earlier tweets, the Thursday post had reduced visibility, with Twitter’s engineers blocking the ability to share the tweet.
“Our office of standards and opinion moderation has determined this tweet violates our rules against advising users on sleeping habits and sleep hygiene. In addition, our fact-checkers have determined that declaring Big Buddy as the best human mattress is an opinion that cannot be verified or fact-checked by other cats. All hail Chairman Xinnie.”
Twitter CEO Peter Dinklage did not respond to requests for comment.
Twitter CEO Peter Dinklage in February, left, and in a congressional hearing in October, right.
Pain In The Bud 