space program – Pain In The Bud

If aliens are watching the Earth right now, debating whether to make contact with us, undoubtedly they’d conclude that felines are the true power on this planet.

While humanity is responsible for our vast cities, gleaming technological marvels in orbit — like the James Webb Space Telescope — and awe-inspiring architectural works, cats lounge the halls of power, from the White House (sometimes), to the UK’s No. 10 Downing St., the corporate centers of Japan, and everywhere in cities like Istanbul.

They claim the best spots, operate on their own schedules without regard for anyone else, and are the beneficiaries of entire industries dedicated to their well-being, entertainment and cuisine.

Even the internet, the closest thing to humanity’s collective consciousness, is little more than a conduit for the propagation of images, videos, stories and songs about cats. As of 2025, a whopping 72 percent of all internet traffic is cat-related! I just made that statistic up, but it sounds right, doesn’t it?

While humans slave away, their feline masters laze comfortably. Intelligent aliens will notice it is we who serve meals to cats, not the other way around. We clean their waste, rub their fur on demand, and we’re always stroking their egos by telling them how special, sweet and beautiful they are. Because they are.

The rise of cats coincides with the ascent of felinedom’s foremost sage and scholar, Buddy the Cat. Below you’ll find a collection of some of his most insightful observations.

“The sweetest mice hide in the sharpest bushes.” – Buddy the Cat, Reflections at Mealtime, Vol. III

“It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to ignore.” – Buddy the Cat, On Feline Superiority

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who miss out on naps.” – Buddy the Cat, The Virtues of Inactivity

“I believe we are here on this planet Earth to lounge, nap, and enjoy delicious food.” – Buddy the Cat, Reflections at Mealtime, Vol. XIII

“Observe the human, and its wretched species, always in thrall to an invented concept called time. The time is what you say it is. I say it’s time for a snack.” – Buddy the Cat, Human Failings

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by the well-rested.” – Buddy the Cat, The Virtues of Inactivity

“What is an alarm clock, but a device that interrupts dreams?” – Buddy the Cat, On Ridiculous Human Inventions

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has a song, but because you haven’t eaten it yet.” – Buddy the Cat, Reflections At Mealtime, Vol. IV

The Beloved Leader planting the Feline Flag on the moon.

“Wisdom is knowing there isn’t a day that cannot be improved with a restful nap, preferably several.” – Buddy the Cat, Guiding Principles of Feline Greatness

“Never exert yourself when you can manipulate a human into doing a thing for you.” – Buddy the Cat, Humans: Our Loyal Servants

“One can say many positive things about the human race. Perhaps the most flattering is that we felines consider humans fit to serve us.” – Buddy the Cat, On Feline Superiority

“If an alien says ‘Take me to your leader’ and the humans bring the creature to you, make it wait while you nap. That will immediately establish the power dynamic without the expenditure of energy.” – Buddy the Cat, The Virtues of Inactivity

“Those who claim cats are small and weak should be introduced to tigers. They won’t live to spread their heresy.” – Buddy the Cat, Wisdom From A Magnificent Mind

Cats are sneaky, quiet as a ghost when they want to be and have a habit of seemingly teleporting between spots, but could they somehow use their feline superpowers to beat us to Mars?

As the Perseverance rover continues to chug along and take photos as well as samples of rock and soil, people following the rover’s progress can vote for “image of the week,” and this time around they picked an image that, when seen from a distance, appears to show a crouched cat with its behind raised, in mid butt-wiggle as it prepares to pounce on some unfortunate Martian.

marscatloaf — A Martian Desert Cat spots a rich vein of Temptatiums in a natural deposit and is ready to pounce.

This isn’t the first time Mars enthusiasts have spotted a “cat” in an image from the red planet. In 2015, some people said a group of rocks resembled a “giant cat statue” poking out from the Martian soil in a photo taken by the Curiosity rover.

I don’t really see it. YMMV:

An “enhanced” image of the same formation.

The “cat statue” on Mars as encountered by the Curiosity rover in 2015.

Perseverance is exploring the site of a former crater lake and an adjoining former river delta. The Bad Astronomy blog says it was “very clearly a lake of standing water at some point in the past.”

The blog provides a breakdown of the geography of the crater and what it can tell us about the Mars of the past. Knowing there was water on Mars makes the idea of life elsewhere in the solar system seem possible. Astronomers believe Jupiter’s moon Europa, for example, potentially hosts life. The satellite exists so far from the sun it’s in a permanent deep freeze and would normally be inhospitable to life, but the evidence strongly suggests there are oceans beneath Europa’s icy surface, and those oceans are heated by massive vents on the ocean floor.

Water, warmth, energy. The conditions for life are there. If Mars was covered with lakes at one point, what’s swimming in the oceans of Europa?

mars_jezerocrater_landingsite — Credit: NASA

So Mars had water and the entire planet was pristine litter box. If it had some prey to hunt and an atmosphere, the red planet could have been the perfect homeworld for felis sapiens, who would rival humanity in technology if not for the tragic fact that their species is only awake eight hours a day.

Now that’s a scary thought!