NEW YORK – Jeffrey “Raddog” Raddatz brought an unblemished record, a 9.7 jawline symmetry score and prestige as one of the greatest Looksmaxxers of all time to the aura battle.
His opponent? A relative unknown named Buddy the Cat with impressive canthal tilt and enviable hair silkiness stats who was nonetheless untested in the brutal world of aura battles, where only the most symmetrical Chads and Chadettes can take the heat.
The crowd, which had already been whipped into a frenzy by a packed undercard, broke into raucous applause when 19-year-old Raddatz mewed to display his high cheekbones, then peeled off his shirt to reveal abs rated 9.3 and 9.1 respectively by Looksmaxxer and Aurascore.
“Siuuuu!” the Raddog taunted, imitating footballer Ronaldo’s signature celebration as he flexed chiseled pectoral muscles as he goaded his stoic opponent.
By the time Raddatz had finished his blistering attack the crowd was coursing with his zesty aura.
Buddy the Cat, however, had not moved a muscle. The 12-pound tabby remained in a nonchalant curl, eyes closed, his frame rising and falling in a gentle respiratory rhythm.
Onlookers exchanged confused glances at the lack of any response when Raddatz declared premature victory.
“This cat is cringe AF and has, like, no rizzitude,” he announced, just loud enough for the crowd to hear but not so loud as to appear desperate or cause any accidental damage to his own considerable aura.
Then he added a final taunt.
“What’d yah think about that, cat?”
Without so much as a twitch, Buddy answered with a thunderous fart that echoed off the nearby playground equipment and the glass-fronted buildings around the park, amplifying the flatulent sibilance to a powerful hum.
The crowd erupted in shock and disbelief.
“This cat just mogged my man without moving a muscle! Dayyyum!” said one onlooker who was streaming the battle to an audience of more than 3.2 million.
“An unconscious mogging!” another shouted. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Imagine the kind of aura you need to pull that off! This changes everything! It’s like historical and futuristical!”
Raddatz stumbled back in shock, a single tear heralding the imminent downpour as he realized his aura had been completely shattered.
Ethel Studebaker, who runs the “Explained for Seniors” page on Facebook, said terms like aura farming and aura battles may seem obtuse to adults, but they’re merely the latest spins on old concepts.
“Having ‘riz’ or ‘farming aura’ are just the latest terms for trying to look cool,” she explained. “In the 70s they would have been ‘far out’ or ‘groovy,’ in the 80s they would have been ‘gnarly’ and ‘bodacious,’ and in the 90s they’d be described as ‘fresh’ or ‘diggity diggity dope,'” she explained. “Although the battling itself simply by posing is a bit eccentric, and can be compared to the famous David Bowie-judged ‘Walk Off’ between male models in the movie Zoolander.”
Asked why generations Z and Alpha would prefer posing flamboyantly in “battles” rather than engage in time-honored methods like beating the crap out of each other, Studebaker was blunt: “Because they’re a bunch of good-for-nothing weaklings who stare at their phones 20 hours a day and can’t lift a box of Wheaties.”
Braden Peters, the 20-year-old known as Clavicular, praised Buddy but said he would need considerably sharper facial symmetry to “hang with the top tier riz artists.”
“The road isn’t easy,” Clavicular noted. “Some of us have been at it for years doing it the hard way, spending tens of thousands on face creams and hammering our faces with chisels to achieve those elusive last few symmetry points. But the results speak for themselves.”
