Feline Ingenuity – Page 4 – Pain In The Bud

New Crypto Currency ‘BuddyCoin’ Takes Financial World By Storm

Buddy the Cat tries his paw at cryptocurrency in his latest scheme to get more turkey and become filthy rich.

NEW YORK — Despite recent volatility in the cryptocurrency market, investors are rushing back thanks to the newest and most promising digital currency, BuddyCoin.

“Buddy coin, like, leverages assets and annuities and stuff, and then it takes advantage of cyberbond yields in the arbitrage market to leverage incredible profits,” Buddy the Cat explained during a conference call with investors.

Whereas other coins were tethered to startups run by tech bros or susceptible to major price fluctuations dependent on the banking industry, BuddyCoin was “built from the ground up to be resilient,” its founder said.

“We empower our clients by highlighting our core competency through scalable synergies, giving us the bandwidth to grow our brand and our coins,” the gray tabby cat said. “This leads to enormous profits because, like, they get more profitable and stuff. We pride ourselves on our ability to drill down into the financials, taking a deep dive via blue sky thinking and, uh, synergize and streamline the efficiencies in emerging markets through our product.”

Buddy Coin Crypto — BuddyCoin has been the hottest cryptocurrency of late, turning Buddy into the world’s first feline crypto king.

Buddy, who serves as founder and CEO of BuddyCoin’s parent company, Money4Buddy (MFB/Nasdaq), has been clearing hurdles to buy the largest turkey farm in North America and has been actively courting investors to help bankroll his attempt to take over several major players in the pet food and poultry markets.

The business-minded feline has also accrued assets in laser technology, a company that manufactures can openers, and several nutritional supplements labs, which have been repurposed to research supplements intended for felines despite market analysts saying there is little to no demand.

“When’s the last time you saw a cat lifting weights or running on a treadmill?” said one analyst who spoke on condition of anonymity.

A market expert from another firm cast doubt on the future of BuddyCoin.

“Have you heard Buddy talk about this stuff?” the cryptocurrency analyst asked. “None of it makes any sense. This is clearly a scam by a well-fed cat to become even more well-fed.”

Buddy ended his call with investors by trying to rally them to his cause.

“BuddyCoin is only going to get more valuable because we leverage our key priorities to push the envelope with lots of moving parts, which helps grow our portfolios,” he said. “Also, I really like turkey, so give me your money. Thank you.”

Above: Paper currency from the feline world: A 10 cat dollar note, top left, a 00 cat dollar note, etc. Unlike human currency, cat dollars come in every conceivable denomination because cats don’t have pockets to carry change.

‘Where’s Mine, Dude?’: How My Cat Makes Me Feel Guilty

“I will make you feel guilty, human. Then you will feed me.”

When I adopted Buddy I never thought I’d have such a talkative and friendly cat. Or one who seems to be an expert on human psychology, for that matter.

The little guy has made a habit of following me to the kitchen, even rousing himself from naps the instant he hears the fridge door opening, the rustling of a bag or the clunk of a closing cabinet.

Employing a different strategy than the meow-heavy, “FEED ME NOW!” style he uses at meal time, he sits in the doorway of the kitchen and watches me silently. If I fail to retrieve a snack for him, he doesn’t move.

Last night I’d forgotten to get him something and when I set my cereal bowl down on the coffee table and sank back into the couch, I looked over and saw Bud still sitting in the kitchen doorway, managing to simultaneously look sad and silently incriminating with his big green eyes.

“Where’s mine, dude? Dude, where’s mine?” he seems to say, pouring it on thick. “I thought we did everything together, yet here you are enjoying a snack while your best little Buddy is standing just a few feet away, feeling betrayed as you eat your Frosted Flakes. I guess we weren’t best buddies after all.”

Because I can’t stand that incriminating look and I know the situation will escalate if I don’t act, I dutifully rise from the couch and assume my responsibility as Bud’s faithful human servant, fetching some of his favorite dental treats.

His tail curls into a happy question mark and he trills his happiness.

“Guilty? Betrayed? Ah, all forgotten! Difficulties are dissolved into mere misunderstandings where snacks are concerned, my human friend!”

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m anthropomorphizing the little guy. Or maybe he really is a master of human psychology who can manipulate human emotions with the twist of his paw.

Family’s Cat Follows Kids To School, Gets His Class Picture Taken

Ziggy’s an “honorary student,” and faculty say he’s got an attendance record other students should aspire to.

Ziggy the cat must figure school is an interesting place if his two young human siblings walk there every day, so he’s taken it upon himself to go too.

The four-year-old cat is such a common sight at Drury Primary School in Wales, about 30 miles south of Liverpool, that faculty there consider him an “honorary student.” Ziggy makes himself comfortable for naps on the headmaster’s desk, attends school assemblies and likes to run around the playground.

Ziggy, who pops in and out of classrooms as he sees fit, walks 10 minutes to the school every day with his humans, Megan Roberts, 10, and Chloe Roberts, 7.

Mark Bitcliffe, Drury’s head teacher, told local daily The Leader that it’s “impossible” to keep Ziggy out, so the school has accepted him as a “student.” The cat shows up so reliably that Bitcliffe said he’s “an example to other pupils.”

But Ziggy really “took the biscuit” during school picture day during the last week of September, mom Emma Roberts said. The orange and white feline waited until he felt it was his turn to pose for a school photo, then hopped up onto the chair in front of the photographer as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The school sent his photos home along with school portraits of Chloe and Megan.

“Chloe handed the letter to me [after school] and I expected it to be her photos. But then when I looked I was just in floods of laughter and so were the other mums standing by me,” Emma said. “I asked her what had gone on and she said he just jumped on the chair. He didn’t need any encouragement, he just got up there for a photo.”

A preview of Ziggy’s school photos, which was sent home to his humans like every other student’s portraits.

Ziggy’s an honorary student.

Ziggy walks to school with Chloe and Megan.

Bitcliffe, the faculty and the students at Drury love Ziggy’s antics, and they say he’s been educational too, as he’s given kids without pets the opportunity to learn how to interact with animals.

“It’s difficult to keep a cat off the school grounds, even if you wanted to, but thankfully he’s one of the nicest cats I’ve ever come across,” Bitcliffe said. “He thinks he’s a pupil so it’s fitting he’s had his own photo. I think it’ll be put up on the staff noticeboard. One time he was on the top ledge of the shelves in the secretary’s office and he’s been known to sneak into mine, sit on the chair and fall asleep. It’s his second home I think. His attendance is not an issue and he’s actually setting a good example to the other children.”

“We’ve not been looking to have a school cat or dog really, but he chose us.”

Buddy: ‘It Wasn’t Me!’

Cats don’t accept blame, George Carlin once observed. Even when you catch them red-handed.

A few nights ago I was watching the Yankees lose when Buddy jumped on the coffee table, settled into a loaf position and started doing what he does best — knocking things onto the floor.

Usually it’s remote controls, water bottles, my phone. Usually he has the good sense not to knock over glasses with liquid in them, or plates of food. But not always.

Bud turned, looked me in the eye, meowed and proceeded to swipe a tub of wasabi peas (just the like one pictured above) off the table. The package hit the ground and popped open, spilling the peas and their powdered wasabi coating all over the floor.

buddyaliens — “They came down in a big spaceship, and they said ‘Buddy, we’re gonna spill your human’s snacks and then blame it on you!’ And I said ‘No, aliens! Not on my watch!’ But they distracted me with turkey…”

Bud looked at me, trilled, then took off, perhaps put off by the scent of the wasabi.

A few seconds later he returned as I was sweeping them up, trilled again, and looked at me like “What happened, dude? Someone knocked over your wasabi peas? That’s terrible!”

If he could speak — you know, besides his incessant trilling and meowing — the conversation would probably go something like this:

“It was you! You did it!”

“No I didn’t.”

“I watched you do it! You made eye contact with me as you casually slapped them off the coffee table!”

“You’re mistaken. Perhaps it was another cat who looks like me.”

“You’re the only cat who lives here!”

“Then it was a chalupacabra.”

“You mean a chupacabra? Those don’t actually exist, you know. Have you ever heard of Occam’s Razor?”

“Aliens, then. Yeah. Probably aliens. I keep trying to tell you, aliens are responsible for those hairballs. Remember the time you found puke in the bed? That was aliens too. I told them ‘Be gone, aliens! You’re not welcome here!’ but they just can’t help themselves….”

As George Carlin said, “Cats don’t accept blame.” Even when they do things right in front of you, apparently.

‘Sleep Scritches’: Buddy’s Latest Innovation

Buddy has devised a method to get me to scratch his head without even waking me.

I’m not exactly sure when I first consciously noticed it, but over the last six months I’ve woken up in odd circumstances in the middle of the night: My hand is raised and Buddy is there, nuzzling against it and purring.

It started with the Budster nudging my hand with his muzzle, then somehow he got me to raise my hand without waking me.

Not content to stop there, Bud has somehow engineered what I call “Sleep Scritches,” in which he triggers me to pet him while I’m unconscious.

It’s really weird to wake up on your back with your hand raised and your cat sounding like a motorboat as he guides his forehead beneath your fingertips. It’s also weird to wake up with said cat sitting on your chest and licking your nose or your beard.

Buddy the Clever — “You shall pet me even whilst you are asleep, human servant!”

Let no one say Bud isn’t a clever cat when he wants to be, which is basically whenever there’s food, attention or affection involved.

He saw a problem, which is that it’s really difficult to wake me up once I’m properly asleep. And he solved that problem not by waking me up, but by getting what he wants without having to wake me. He does the same thing when dealing with my tendency to toss and turn in my sleep: He finds a nook wherever one is available and burrows in when it’s cold, or simply drapes himself on top of me when it’s warm.

Score another one for feline ingenuity.

At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to discover he’s got me sleepwalking to the treat cabinet every night.

Of course I could set up a camera to record me while I sleep a la Paranormal Activity, but I’m afraid I might see him grooming his butt before licking my face while I remain unconscious. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.